Saturday, December 29, 2007
Pakistan Now Where Mexico Once Was
As the Mike Huckleberry campaign rethinks its decision to hire Lauren Caitlin Upton, the renowned Miss South Carolina, as a speechwriter to replace striking writers, the candidate--stumping in Pella, Iowa--stumbled through a pop quiz on his least favorite subject: Geography.
Mrs. Vernon Schaaksbref of Vinton, Iowa asked the former Arkansas governor, "Governor, given the recent tragic events in Pakistan, vis-a-vis Bhutto's assassination, or as the Musharraf government now considers it, a suicide--how would a Huckleberry administration react?"
The Southern Baptist, gun-waving, weight-losing, marathon-running, constantly-evolving, Republican(ish) front-runner squirmed uncomfortably while eyeing the plate of glazed Dutch Letters within reach before answering, "I'm glad you asked that question, and personally I believe it's a question that needs to be asked and one that, such as, as far as I can tell, no one, such as, has asked to this point. And to that point, such as," the sweating candidate continued to layout his geopolitical worldview in Miss South Carolina wing-it fashion, "we have more Pakistani illegals coming across our border than all other nationalities, except those immediately south of the border.”* He pointed vaguely at Missouri and then seemed to recover and shot back at the inquisitor: "Can we just focus on my weight lose? Does everything in politics nowadays have to be about world events?"
*That bit is a real quote.dateline: Pellawindows, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights researched, refined and redefined for easier consumption.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Citing a looming deadline and the need to "pick someone," The Des Moines Register-Picayune announced its choices for the upcoming Iowa Caucus. At an unscripted live press conference, the newspaper's Politics-As-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpsun, read the winners' names from the back of a Court Avenue Brew Pub coaster: "Ah, for the Republican Party we picked...ah, just a sec," Yawpsun adjusted his reading glasses, "Can't read my own writing...least I think it's my handwriting." A hush filled the room until Yawpsun directed an Iowa Public TV reporter to quit hushing, and then continued, "Best I can tell, I recommend Governor...no, wait, that's Senator...yeah, Senator McCain for the Republican nomination, and...huh?" Yawpsun paused, appearing confused. "Whaddya know," he mused, "I had written what looks like 'Obama,' could be 'Oprah'...might even be 'Omagosh,' can't tell. Anyhoooo, looks like I crossed it out and wrote in "The Clintons." An even bigger hush filled the room until Yawpsun, removing his glasses stared at the press corps and with arms wide, asked, "What? It was a long night; can't expect me to remember all them names...." He then left the stage muttering, "Not like anyone attending the caucus actually knows who the hell's running..."
Contacted in New Hampshire where he was changing a tire with his bare hands on his Never Give Up; Never Surrender Galaxy Quest campaign bus outside the Marlow VFW Hall, John McCain (R-AZ) said of the Des Moines Register-Picayune's endorsement: "Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I think we are starting to see some of the same thing we saw in 2000.” * Which, to this reporter, means that McCain sees himself getting trashed, again, by George W. Bush.
Meanwhile, a person-of-spokes for The Clintons campaign issued a carefully worded statement on legal paper stating, in part, that "It's about f*&ing time! What's wrong with those square-headed farmers? They think we slogged through that stupid state fair just to smell the pig poop? I mean, come on!"
Candidate Obamaladama paused while healing lepers before an estimated crowd of 300,000 at the Iowa State University Political Science Arena as moderator, Professor Stephano Schlitz, aka, "Dr. Political Death," informed the one-term Illinois candidate of the Des Moines newspaper's selections. Obamalamadama replied by striking a nearby stone with his staff and beer flowed forth. "Let's see them top that," the Senator quipped as the Iowa multitudes surged forward chanting: "Beer! Beer! Beer! Oh, Oh, Obamalamadama!"
In other endorsements: The Urbandale Shopper selected Mitt The Kid Romney (R?-MA) after he purchased the weekly handout for a reported $3 million. The NRA's The Rifleman magazine scoped New Mexico's Bill Richardson, because, as editor Lucas McCain noted, "He's the closest thing we got to the late Chuck Connors." Marie Osmond, in a surprise move, chose Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon) saying she could never resist a good bass man. Striking NBC writers voted to back Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-And/Or-Order Thompson and were immediatly hired to rewrite his campaign. The Minuteman Manifesto selected Tom Tancranko (R-CO). Senator Joseph Biden endorsed fellow Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), who, in a show of good sportsmanship, endorsed the Delaware Senator. No one endorsed Ron Paul (L-TX), but another $12 million magically appeared in his account from Internet donors, and Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) received the endorsement of the East Cleveland Middle School Gazette, narrowly defeating Republicanish Rudy The G-Man Giuliani.
* actual quote NY Times, December 18, 2007
dateline: Poliennui, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reaffirmed.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Candidates Without Mouthpieces Babble In Des Moines
Resorting to puns, cliches and...those other things that sound dumb, Republican candidates shuffled through yet another debate in Iowa, this one hosted by Sister Maria Belladonna, Guest Political Editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune. After making all candidates "line up behind his respective rostrum," Sister Belladonna fired the opening question at Governor Mitt The Kid Romney (R-MA, mostly): "Mister Romney, if elected president...stand up straight, please, Mr. Romney."
"And unless you've brought enough for everyone, please remove that smug confidence from your face."
Obligingly, Mitt stood up straight and waited the avenging nun to finish her question: "...how would you simultaneously secure our nation's borders, increase American worker productivity and mow your lawn?"
Romney began to smile, hesitated and replied, "I'm glad you asked that question."
Sr. Belladonna could be heard to mutter, "I'll bet you are," as she slapped a ruler against her palm.
Romney swallowed hard, seemed to be confused and resorted to an old stump speech: "Blah, blah, blah...blah, blah...blah!"
Both supporters in the audience of 12 applauded as the moderator turned her attention to Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR): "Mr. Huckleberry..."
"Please don't interrupt."
"As the current front-runner, how will you maintain this (pause) unlikely lead, given your opponents' willingness to, well, do whatever it takes to bring you down? You have 30 seconds."
"Thirty seconds for what?"
"To answer the question, Mr. Huckleberry."
With his patented deer-in-the-headlights gaze, Huckleberry--working for weeks without a speechwriter--replied: "kill the snake rather than just treat the snakebites...I can’t part the Red Sea, but I believe I can part the red tape...(and) a polarized country has led to a paralyzed government.”*
Sr. Belladonna stared, said nothing for 15 seconds as Huckleberry squirmed. Finally, "Thank you, Governor."
"I'm a governor, too, Sister!" Mitt Romney shouted.
"No talking out of turn..."
"I want to talk about illegal aliens, please, Sister," Congressman Tancranko (R-CO) whined.
"Not today, Mr. Tancranko," Sr. Belladonna said. "We're only talking about real issues today."
Tancranko, knowing he hadn't done his homework and would have nothing further to say, stormed off the stage muttering, "Stupid issues...stupid illegal space aliens...."
After a few more questions to which candidates simply repeated previously memorized speeches, Sister Belladonna removed her reading glasses and asked the assembled Republican presidential candidates: "Have any of you gentlemen done your homework?"
Romney's hand shot up, but Belladonna ignored him adding, "Anyone actually done his own homework?" Romney's hand slowly dropped, after which Rudy Giuliani shot a spit wad and Johnny McCain giggled, while Ronnie Paul tried to unravel his tie from the microphone cord.
Sister Belladonna rapped the moderator's rostrum with her ruler and demanded: "Show of hands, is anyone of you able to write his own words, to have an independent thought?" An awkward silence was interrupted by Freddie Thompson who pumped and arm fart. And with that, another presidential candidates debate was concluded and they all ran outside for recess...all except Romney who remained behind offering to help fold chairs. Sr. Belladonna refused his offer and was last seen lighting a cigarette as she left the building.
*real quotes: NY Times Dec. 13, 2007
dateline: Des Moines, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights revered.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Crowds Show For Oprah; Some Stay To Hear Candidate
In the final countdown to Iowa Caucus 2008 (TM), candidates now divide their precious Hawkeye state moments between poking ever sharper sticks at each other and dragging out celebrity endorsements. Front runner, Mike Huckleberry (D-AR), has signed up aging Texas Fearless-Fu Fighter, Chuck Norris, as well as the previously uncommitted, Jesus Christ, who until recently was assumed to be remaining on the sidelines. A person-of-spokes for Christ told BPNN: "Jesus doesn't like to endorse candidates, per se, but ever since..." (she paused to whisper) "he whose name must never be spoken* has come out for Rudy "The G-Man" Giuliani, well, heaven knows we had to move, and since Oprah's made her pick, and Streisand hers, the selections were getting thin. So, we went with Mike."
The Streisand endorsement refers to the critical backing of Barbra Streisand, LLC., a factor sure to put Iowa caucus goers in a quandary, or as one potential caucuser, Millie Eckdevaalt, said at a recent Dancing With the Candidates event held at the newly remodeled, Pella IHOP **: "Barbra who?" When pressed about who'd she'd support, Eckdevaalt pointed to her red and black ABH (Anyone But Hillary) button and said, "I'd vote for Gilligan before I'd voter for them Clintons again."
Bob Denver (aka Gilligan) would not return our calls confirming his recent entry into this already crowded race. A person-of-spokes for Mr. Denver did, however, imply that Denver might be ineligible to run as he was dead. Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, reportedly has said that death could disqualify the otherwise "electable" candidate. Freddie "Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order" Thompson (R-NBC), who has long been rumored to be The Skipper, views a Gilligan run as potentially disastrous for the Iowa Caucus TV vote. Gilligan's campaign manager, Alan Hale, Jr., would neither confirm nor deny these rumors, which tells us that there's either a last-minute "Caucus surprise" in the works or not.
In other breaking Iowa campaign news, Mitt "The Kid" Romney (R-MA, MI, UT?)--who's trailing well behind Huckleberry and Gilligan in a recent BPNN/Des Moines Register-Picayune poll of illegal aliens likely to attend the caucus--appeared on live TV without the aid of striking speechwriters to announce that he is not a Muslim. Apparently, this was an Internet rumor and has been squashed, although, one has to wonder what the lingering effects will be. Candidate Romney went on to explain that his wife wears a respectable Republican cloth coat and that his son "Tagg" lives in a shoe with his dog and will not come out. The Romney campaign machine hopes this puts the whole Mormon/Muslim controversy to bed and the candidate can return to doing what Iowans like best about the Massachusetts governor--showering the state with money.
**Iowa House Of Politics (TM)
dateline: Pella, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all flights canceled
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Brew It Yerself, Pol Says
Democratic candidates elbowed for the lead in sustaining Iowa's ethanol caucus boom during a recent Iowa Public Radio candidates debate, with Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) seeming to take the lead with a new tact: "Under my administration, there will be an ethanol plant in every garage!" His Rooseveltian delivery impressed many listeners who immediately went on line to http://www.kuspinichrunsforever.org/ and pledged a record $456 to his flagging campaign. When pressed by moderator--NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me celeb, Carlos Casttillo--to explain just how the f*&# you plan to do that," Kuspinach flashed his famous lack of smile (rumor has it his tongue is pierced, which doesn't play well in Iowa) and said: "If caucusers will go to my website and make a pledge to become a Friend of Ethanol (TM), they will receive an Energy Independence Starter Kit (TM), which consists of four ears of price-supported Iowa corn, a tax credit and directions on how to build a wind-powered ethanol plant out or recycled campaign posters, suitable for either backyard or basement use."
Upon further investigation, it should be noted that Kuspinach may have gleaned the idea from George Bush, Jr.'s 2000 campaign proposal to put a "nucular power plant in every backyard, heh," an idea put on hold by his Uncle Dick until complete victory is achieved in the Mideast. Persons-of-spokes for neither The White House (TM) nor the the Kuspinach campaign responded to our repeated plans to contact them for comment. Nor, it should be noted, were we able to get our Homeland Ethanol Plant (TM) to produce as much gasoline substitute as candidates seem to promise. Although, by adding yeast and hops we have produced a drinkable beer and have invited all the candidates over for a post-Caucus party to be held at the Des Moines IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics) (TM) located on the corner of Court and 2nd Avenues. So far only Christopher Dodd (D-CT of West Des Moines) has responded: "Free beer? Damn skippy, I'll be there!" And then after some reflection asked, "I don't have to actually win the caucus to get the beer do I?"
No, Senator, Iowans are willing to share with anyone--Democrat, Republican--Winners and Losers alike....except, Hillary, she gets all mouthy and tries to dance when drunk.
dateline: Templeton, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor on the lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reworked.
Monday, December 3, 2007
It's a rare event when the media err (pause to double check noun/verb agreement) and admit their mistake. We've made ours and, worse, have been caught. Over the years, we--The Media (TM) --have learned that it's not the mistake that causes the rukus, but the inevitable cover-up that gives a story legs. Take Condi Rice, for example--great legs. And she's rarely off the front page. Go back in political history to Donna Rice of Gary Hart lap-dancing fame--good legs, not great, so that scandal quietly slipped away. More recently, former fat Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR) surged in Iowa Polls when he came in third at the IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics (TM)) annual Run For Your Political Life Marathon held in Britt, Iowa, home of the Hobo Museum,* by pumping his post-heavy weight legs faster than any pundit willing to leave the Britt Bar & Grill could've imagined. Huckleberry easily passed Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons who have been stumbling recently while trying to run a three-legged race in a two-legged state.
We've learned this because making up news is easier than reporting it. So, we make stuff up. That's our job as dedicated members of the Fourth Estate. All of this makes it especially difficult for this editor to admit that we were wrong all along about former Massachusetts Governor Mitt "The Kid" Romney. His name isn't Mitt. It's Willard...yeah, like the creepy guy in the 1971 movie about the rats. Mitt is short for Milton....yeah, like the guy who wrote that boring Paradise Lost. You remember, that thing we were all supposed to read in college but no one did but laughed nonetheless when it was made into the movie Animal House.
No one may ever read this correction, but after several months of covering up our error, we knew it was time to come clean and clear Willard Milton's name. So, Mr. Romney...Mitt, we are truly sorry about your name.
dateline: Indianola, Iowa, editor, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights redefined.
*Britt Iowa's Hobo Museum--real place.