The Blog Party News Network ©

Another Taylor Announces Candidacy

2008-07-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

Readers may have noticed that the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) has been off the air since April. The reason is simple. We lost our password. Now that we have it back, we can report that The Clintons, LLC have agreed to leave the presidential race provided we pay them $10 million. "Cheap at half the price," BPNN comptroller, Edmond D. Feader said as he wrote the check after downing a fifth of Gentleman Jack. "Anything to get them off the front page." That's when BPNN--like conservative talk show host and draft dodger, Surge Windbag--discovered that without The Clintons, LLC we go nuthin'. Thankfully, a new candidate has tossed his hat--or flying helmet--into the ring.

Richard L. Taylor (yeah, that Richard L. Taylor) has announced that he is the man to lead this country into the sunny uplands. We like him because he's a pilot, but non-pilots may like Taylor for more earthly reasons. To judge for yourself go to: http://www.news3online.com/

Send us your opinions about Mr. Taylor, and if they agree with ours, we'll post them. Until then, consider this a complete endorsement by BPNN and The Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP) of Richard L. Taylor for President of the United States of America.

****

Dateline: Columbus, OH, Artie Azetti, editor-on-the-lam, BPNN

From Shock and Awe to Fragile and Reversible

2008-04-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

Senate Lends Ear To the Front

“We haven’t turned any corners," General Petraeus Maximus Iraqus warned Senators in the Forum yesterday about the state of the seemingly endless presidential campaign. "We haven’t seen any lights at the end of the tunnel.” His words, carefully chosen so as not to betray any personal political ambitions, were no doubt aimed at the three Senators--Clintonavia Minor, Obamamajoritus and McCainonized--all plotting to replace the flagging Emperor Georgeus Augustless. McCainonized defended his own, often rudderless campaign, by saying: “We’re no longer staring into the abyss of defeat, and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of success.”

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As unenthusiastic applause from Republicans quickly died away, Senator Clintonavia Minor rose to the dais to warn her challengers that her own policies could easily shift once again to suit her own purposes: “It might well be irresponsible to continue the policy that has not produced the results that have been promised time and time again.” Nearby in the shadows, her husband, former Emperor Williesgivesus, opened is robe front as though to expose plots to be laid, only this time it was a long knife he bared.

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Senator Obamamajoritus took his time adjusting his toga before addressing his own strategic faults, particularly his earlier failure to dispatch Clintonavia Minor, by saying only that it had been a “massive strategic blunder” on his part, one that surly he would not repeat.

Lunch was then served, and all attended as the Senators competed in a game of ten pins, while Emperor Georgeus Augustless entertained the masses with stimulating song, stopping briefly to ask, "Does anyone smell smoke?"

No one did.

....****

dateline: Rome 2008 CE, Artus Azzetti Scribinus, Blog Party News Network BPNN, ©, all rights in praise of the Emperor.

All quotes real and taken from NY Times, April 9, 2008 edition

Hillary Heads To Oz

2008-04-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

To Ask Wizard For a Heart.

According to today's NY Times The Clintons, LLC (TM) campaign strategist, Mark Penn--whose ancestors discovered Pennsylvania--has been allowed to fall on his sword for several strategy gaffes, chief among them Hillary's inability to win the nomination despite husband Bill's aide, but as The Times reported, Penn had one overriding fault: "Mr. Penn also early on resisted efforts to humanize Mrs. Clinton..."

Insisting that Hillary is, or could be, human--depending on what the definition of "is" is--former President Bill Clinton announced that his running mate, Hillary, will finally take that yellow road all presidential hopefuls must crawl to Oz in order to ask the Wizard for, in her case, a heart. President Clinton noted that she'd better not "chill out," since chief rival, Obama, long ago made the journey and received his courage, plus, Senator McCain, who hasn't been seen since locking up the Republican nomination, is reportedly in Oz and close to getting an economic and foreign policy brain (with help from his tutor, Joe "Whisper In My Ear" Lieberman).

The Lollipop League (r) superdelegates are at this stage uncommitted but given how much cuter Obama is than The Clintons, LLC (TM), BPNN polls indicate that independent Oz voters may cut Hillary loose and let her drift away....and that goes for her little dog, too.

....****

Hillary Action Figure Shoots Self in Foot

2008-03-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

Many presidential candidates have tried to claim the Ronald Reagan mantle—McCain by confusing Iran and Iraq, Romney by attempting the “ah shucks” pose and, now, The Desperate Democrat (TM), Senator Hillary Clinton, has taken a shot at faking one for the Gipper only to find her aim and memory a tad unreliable. In a recent press conference, Hillary faded into Reaganesque memory mode and thrilled reporters with her daring 1996 raid on Tuzla, Bosnia. Spinning a ripping yarn of the former First Lady dodging sniper fire, pulling hand grenade pins with her teeth while scooping an eight-year old child off the airport ramp, “Rocky” Clinton was determined to show voters that she—not McCain—was the tough guy, hinting that, perhaps, McCain’s war record paled in comparison to her Commando First Lady days.

Anonymous sources now support Senator Clinton’s war memories and confirm that The Clintons, LLC, ™ Action Team has released a limited edition Hillary Action Hero Figure (TM), complete with eye patch, M-16, grenade launcher plus paste-on battle wounds and medals to compliment her Camouflage Pants Suits (White House 3 AM Red Phone sold separately).

Insiders on The Clintons, LLC Delta Force hint that they may have uncovered evidence that Senator John McCain never served in the Navy, as he's claimed all these years and, "In fact," the unnamed source added, "We don't believe he was a POW in the Hanoi Hilton for five-and-a-half years but, instead was hiding in the Honolulu Hilton while The Clintons, LLC (TM) were fighting in Vietnam!" Senator McCain was in a special AP World Geo-Politics class given by Professor Joseph Lieberman and unavailable for comment until he'd done his homework.

.....****

Ralph Nader Picks New Running Mate?

2008-03-14T09:09:00.001-07:00

Independent presidential candidate and fun hater, Ralph Nader, announced his new running mate today at a news conference held on the loading dock at Dunder-Mifflin Paper in Scranton, Pa., a state widely considered to be crucial in his campaign for the Nut House: “He’s experienced. He’s tested and fully vetted. And he’s the kind of guy who could deflect a lot of criticism from me,” Nader said to the assembled crowd of lunchtime workers who briefly stopped playing foursquare to listen to the 105-year-old candidate. “That is why I have selected Elliot Spitzer, lantern-jawed crime-fighter and former governor of New York, to be my running mate…that, and he seems to have some good lodging connections in Washington, DC, which should help with our transition team after the election.”
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Nader then took a question from BPNN reporter, Sharon Klontz, who asked if Ralph had seen a newspaper lately, hinting that, perhaps, his Spitzer choice might be untimely. “Don’t need papers,” Nader replied. “Nothing but obfuscations and monkey shines in the media. I determine my own truths.” Nader then attempted to force the foursquare players to wear safety helmets and goggles. When he subsequently found himself stuffed inside a dumpster Nader admitted that his campaign had hit a bit of a “speed bump,” but that he and his cause—yet to be determined—will still, as all politicians like to say when they have no cause—be “going forward.”
When asked why Spitzer was unable to attend the announcement, Nader replied, “His text message said something about ‘spending more time with his family.’ I like that. Shows character, donchya think?” He didn’t wait to hear what our reporter thought.

****

Ralph Nader Challenges McCain To Race of the Ages

2008-02-26T05:52:00.000-08:00

He'll Never Catch Me!

In a surprise move, perennial presidential candidate and Corvair hater, Ralph Nader, launched his bid for President of the United States, much as other candidates, now forgotten, had--with a rally at the Iowa Sate Fairgrounds. Standing tall on a snowy stage, Nader addressed his supporter with a rousing speech about the benefits of a high-fiber diet and an expose on kitchen appliance that don't really make mounds of jullien fries. He stopped briefly to answer a question from the press corps, Sharon Klontz of the Jackson County FFA News: "Ah, Mister Neber, sir, what are you doing here? The Iowa Caucus was months ago and the Fair isn't until August."

Ralph didn't flinch under the withering media scrutiny. "Why am I running?" his gestures seemed to reply. “If there was no other reason to run — other than the civil liberties, civil rights issue of ballot access — it’d be worth it.”* He then left the stage escorted by a homeless man pushing a shopping cart full of Nader For President '04 pamphlets with the '04 crossed out and '08 penciled in.

Klontz, who has since been hired by the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), canvassed the crowd asking, "What do you think of Ralph Nader?" Justin Milsap of West Des Moines--the crowd--answered, "Um, I was, like, here for, you know, a job interview to run the Tilt-O-Whirl next season, and, like, I got lost, but something about this dude standing on, like, a stage, in the snow made me think he just might be the real thing." Milsap then added, "But he wasn't...Do you know where the Tilt-O-Whirl is?" She did.

When asked about Nader's late entry into the '08 campaign, The Clintons, LLC (TM) scowled, Barrage Obama took notes, and McCain called Nader an old fart and that he was ready to fight him for a hundred years if that's what it took to convince his dear friends that he was a real conservative.

..... *****

dateline: Des Moines, Iowa--again--Artie Azzetti and Sharon Klontz, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refried.

* real quote

Barrage Obama

2008-02-20T05:36:00.000-08:00

Continues to Pound The Clintons' Camp

Side-by-side, bloodied but unaware, on stage after yet two more primary defeats calculated to throw their opponent off guard, The Clintons, LLC (TM) released a joint statement: “This is the choice we face: One of us is ready to be commander in chief in a dangerous world,” Clinton #2 said. “One of us has faced serious Republican opposition in the past," Clinton #1 picked up. Then, in unison they concluded: "— and one of us is ready to do it again.” *

It's now up to the voters in Texas and Ohio--possibly Pennsylvania--to decide which Clinton is ready. The crowd cheered on cue as The Clintons, LLC (TM) latest campaign theme song, "Do It To You One More Time" by the Captain and/or Taneal, blared over the PA system while The Clintons, LLC (TM) campaign manager, Howie Mandel, tazed the crowd into a frenzied stupor before the candidates once again boarded the candidates' Spare Change mother ship in their never-ending quest for the co-leads in Fox/TV's newest reality series, White House! ©

....****

*actual quotes taken way out of context
dateline: Brewpub, Wi., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reordered.

Barbarella's Back

2008-02-15T10:51:00.000-08:00

And She's Talkin' Dirty Politics

--Editorial Staff

Jane Fonda, long rumored to be the paramour of Rush Limbaugh--the 300-pound gorilla in any political room--let slip an unutterable utterance live, on the air, while appearing on NBC's Today yesterday…ah, the name of the show is Today, that is, and she was on it yesterday, which is not the name of the show. It just sets the timeline as not being today on Today, but, instead, yesterday when all her troubles seemed so far away. Well, Jane—if that’s, indeed, your real name—looks as though your troubles are here to stay after saying (if there are any children in the room, leave now), as the liberal media reported, “the c-word.”

Jane, 70, but not looking a day over 54, was promoting her new movie with co-star Sylvester Stallone, 75, Barbarella IV, the Rambo Years, when she mentioned that she would be appearing on stage with a lot of other famous old women in the long-running play, “The You Know What Dialogues.” But instead of saying "you know what," she chose to use “the c-word.” You know, the word that automatically got boys in trouble in middle school for saying it instead of, well, you know what.
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Fonda, who confirms BPNN's theory that Rush Limbaugh is not gay, was not publicly endorsing any presidential candidate—of which there are three, if you don’t count the kooks—but the septuagenarian actress--about the same age as McCain--who's never shied from controversy, has long been associated with political causes leaning toward the L-word persuasion (Liberal). So, we were surprised that it came as such a shock to yesterday’s Today host when Jane said, “I’m appearing in The C-Word Monologues!”
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This magazine wishes to take a stance. But in lieu of that, let us say that Ms. Fondue has shown courage and backbone—plus just a little cleavage and leg—by her willingness to use the C-word, instead of the more “Politically Correct” (in air quotes for emphasis) other word for, well, you know what. Therefore, the editorial staff—guys all—wish to say that from now on, it will be our policy to follow Jane’s lead in using the C-word. And with that we have reserved the second row seats for Jane’s opening night performance in “The Conservative Dialogues.” Limbaugh, reportedly, takes up the front row.

Barbarella IV, the Rambo Years opens tomorrow at theaters everywhere and we'll be sure to get front row seats for that.

.....****

Views expressed aren't necessarily those of the editorial staff and do not reflect actual research or command of the subject but are subject to change. Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights and seats reserved. ©

The Clintons Roll Out New Strategy

2008-02-13T05:23:00.000-08:00

Make 'em Think We're Losing--Then Spring the Trap!

In a scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail, The Clintons, LLC (TM), faced yet another defeat in yesterday's primaries with the courage of the legless and armless Black Knight: “I’m tested. I’m ready. Let’s make it happen!” Hillary shouted in support of her husband's quest for the nomination. “We are going to sweep across Texas," she warned Democrats, "...bringing our message about what we need..."*

The Clintons, LLC (TM), juggernaut only appears to be stalled after a string of inconvenient losses to their archrival, Barrage Obama, who was reported to be campaigning in his native state, Hawaii, while Hillary and Bill passed the campaign hat for gas money to refuel their Time For Spare Change campaign bus before heading to Texas. Donations were sluggish to the point that Hillary was about to once again offer to lend their campaign another $5 million, on "very attractive terms," a campaign staffer leaked to BPNN. "We're just waiting for the credit report to come back," he added. "Seems we can't loan large amounts of unsecured cash to subprime candidates anymore."

The loan, however, proved unnecesary and cash flowed in as co-candidate Once-and-Future President Bill Clinton, led the Clintons For Spare Change cheerleaders in the campaign's new cheer:

"We're tested.

We're ready.

Let's make it...

Hap-pen!"

Mr. Clinton seemed ready, indeed, to make it happen until co-candidate, Hillary, forced him back on the bus, which immediately left for El Paso.

*actual quotes taken way out of context

dateline: Waterloo, Va., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights rearranged.

Stimulus Package Jolts GOP and Dems

2008-02-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

Recession Ends!

In a rare kumbuya photo moment, Speaker Nancy Pelosi appeared on stage at the Viva Las Vegas Gaming By Government Convention beside Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., to announce the passage of the bi-partisan, bi-polar, by golly Economic Stimulus Package 2.0. “We are making history," the joint commission on spending other people's money declared while tazing a middle class taxpayer in effigy. "What has passed the Congress in record time is a gift to the middle class and those who aspire to it in our country.” *

Reaction was immediate as dozens of taxpayers responded warmly to the "gift" from their government by announcing that they would immediatly borrow more on their already-leveraged homes and credit cards. "It's the only American thing to do," Janice Bellwether of St. Cloud, Mn. said when interviewed in the oxygen tent at the Mall of the Americas outside Minneapolis. "It supports the troops," she added. "And shows France that...that we're not France and are still number one as we Go Forward!" She then held aloft a large, foam, red-white-blue, made-in-Russia, #1 finger to punctuate her stance while chanting, "As we go forward! As we go forward!"

Other grateful middle-class American taxpayers declared their love for Pelosi and Paulson Junior's "gift" by saying they'd buy more Indian car parts and Venezuelan oil.

Survivors of the recent Super Taco Tuesday episode of America's Favorite Candidate ** were quick to share in the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior success. "I'm suspending my campaign," Willy Milton Romney announced just minutes before the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior Gift to America was announced, whereupon, Romney--going against tradition--changed his mind. "With my rebate, I will continue my campaign to become America's Favorite Candidate!" BPNN accountants did the math and figuring Romney earned no more than $75,000 in 2007, he should receive $1,200 (married, filing jointly) plus $300 per child, in rebates, which nets the Reborn Romney campaign roughly $123,000,000, enough to carry his message of conservative change to the Republican convention to be held in August at the Minneapolis Mall of the Americas.

Candidate, and presumptive front-runner (the Dean sympton of an imploding candidacy), Mickey "I'm Really, Really a Conservative" McCain, voted for giving the "gift" to the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior masses--this, after originally not voting for it.

Not to be outdone, The Clintons, LLC, fresh from their stunning primary victory in American Samoa, announced through an attorney that the stimulus rebate was their collective idea and that if they're elected, the gifts will be even bigger.

Governor/Pastor Mike Huckleberry, of Arkansas, was unavailable for comment as he and Senator Obamalamadama were jamming all night at the Blue Note jazz club in Manhattan. A person-of-spokes for the Governor/Pastor/Bassman said, "Like, the Huckman, was, you know, so on the beat tonight playing his hit single, Down With the IRS...we're taking this mojo all the way to Mall of the Americas, dude."

The IRS Director, Henry F. Potter, said that rebate checks should be in the mail as soon as financing was secured from the Bank of Mao in Beijing, and taxpayers should have their gifts in time to pay their 2007 taxes.

* actual quote, NY Times, February 8, 2008

** FoxTV

dateline: Las Vegas, Nv., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refinanced.

Rudy Defeats Huckabee

2008-01-30T05:38:00.000-08:00

Florida Race Fields The Winnows.

Floridians forced an insight into Rudy The G-Man Giuliani's constantly-evolving campaign strategy by handing him a resounding victory over fellow GOP front-runner, the non-evolving Reverend/Governor Mike Huckleberry, in a race that has been likened--by those of us who didn't witness it--to Dewey v. Truman or Rocky v. Apollo Creed. Bloodied, but unevolved, Huckleberry, with his wife, Adrian, at his side, conceded to the former NYC mayor-turned-superhero by saying that he didn't want a rematch. Rudy graciously accepted Huckleberry's surrender and, then, stunned the Sunshine State voters, who'd braved 80-degree temperatures, by announcing that he'd quit the race and return to fighting international terrorism. In a flash, Rudy swirled his cape across his shoulders and leaped onto the lecture circuit at $100,000 a show. But before leaving the Floridians below to shuffle off to early-bird specials where they'd complain about the air-conditioning, he pulled yet another stunner and charged his supporters to rally behind anyone but Romney. And with that, Rudy was gone from the '08 race.

While Republicans hogged most of the headlines yesterday, Democratic candidate, The Clintons, LLC (TM), racked up another upset victory over front-runner, Barrage Obama, by continuing their strategy to campaign only in states that don't count. Hillary wasn't available for comment as she campaigned for her husband along the side roads of American Samoa. Bill, aware that his VP was out of sight, stumped in a Fort Lauderdale hot tub with Michigan State coeds auditioning for the new political reality Fox/TV series, Spring Break With The Candidates!.

.......*****

dateline: Boca Subprimo, Fl., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights half-price before 6 PM.

Kennedys Don't Go For Clintons

2008-01-28T09:04:00.000-08:00

GOP in Panic

Conservative radio talk show host, Surge Windbag, abandoned his usual schoolyard bully tone as he shocked his 13.5 million listeners by pleading on air for The Kennedys--Senator Ted and JFK's daughter, Caroline--to reconsider their separate endorsements of Barrage Obama. "You must support Hillary!" Surge begged. "My whole career rests on her...(sniffle)...she's always been there for me...(whimper)...without Hillary," Windbag confessed, "I got nothing...(radio tears)...nothing....we'll be back after this..."

When asked to comment on the Kennedy defection, The Clintons (TM) responded by saying, "I don't need 'em, I still plan on getting elected...oh, heh, just don't tell the wife, though." Hillary, who was campaigning in American Samoa, could not be reached for comment.

.......*****

dateline: New York, New York, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights rerecorded.

The Clintons Whupped Good in SC

2008-01-27T06:16:00.000-08:00

NASCAR State All Agog For...No, Not Her

In a concession speech that can only be described as uninspiring--due, in part, to the ongoing Speechwriters Strike, now in its eight year--suddenly-second-tier presidential hopeful Bill Clintonredux, congratulated his opponent, Barrage Obamalamadama, and refocused The Clintons' (TM) campaign sights on what can be salvaged in the remaining primary days: “We now turn our attention to the millions of Americans who will make their voices heard in...American Samoa....”* And then, to make sure he was taken seriously, he added the obligatory, "As we go forward...you, know, for change!" Seeing no reaction from the dozens of supporters, and this reporter, inside the Fort Sumter Hotel ballroom, Bill then kicked over the microphone stand and stomped offstage while a lone Celine Dion sang, "The Sun Comes Out Tomorrow" in Canadian.

Bill's running mate, what's her name, wasn't immediately available for comment in the Columbia, SC strip club, The Hanging Chad, where BPNN had set up an all-night poll watch. But, it's rumored that the former head of the once front-running Democratic ticket was headed to Samoa, located somewhere near Hawaii, in hopes of repeating The Clintons (TM) breathtaking Michigan victory by running unopposed.

.....****

*Real quote. There's more to it, but we gleaned the important parts. For the complete concession text go to NYTimes.com

dateline: Columbia, SC, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights remanded.

Shocking Shakeup in Primary Shag

2008-01-25T05:07:00.000-08:00

Kuspinach to Run?.

According to Jérôme Kerviel, person-of-spokes for Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!), the Congressman may announce his candidacy for President of the United States, "If," Kerviel emphasized, "we can, how you say...gin up ze dough necessary for such a lengthy campaign, say, six, maybe, ten billion Euros...er, bucks." Presidential futures markets in Asia were closed for a run-on-bank holiday when the Kerviel announcement was leaked, but this can only bode ill since campaign markets are still reeling from the announcement earlier this week that Freddie "Boom-Boom-Law-And/Or Order" Thompson (R-NBC) had abandoned his quest for the lead in White House!, the much anticipated reality show replacement for Friday Night Lights, a victim of the ongoing Speechwriters Strike. John Travolta had been rumored to host White House! until photos of the NJ movie star in a woman's fat suit appeared on YouTubeTop dashing that hope; although, Trovolta is still considered a strong contender for the #2 slot on the Kuspinach ticket, especially since, as the actor notes, he comes with his own Air Force Two jet. *

In other campaign whispers, the Clintons' (TM) campaign let it leak that a running mate has been chosen, but, as of press time Hillary would neither confirm nor deny that she will accept the VP assignment Bill offered her.

......*****

*Boeing 707

dateline: The Paris Hilton Hotel, Beowulf, Quebec, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights left out.

Huckabee Update: Pol's Pole Poll

2008-01-24T04:31:00.000-08:00

These Colors Don't Run (For President)

The Reverend/Governor of Arkansas--one of the many former Arkansas governors running for president--Mike Huckleberry, abandoned his usual aw-shucks approach to weighty issues, such as should Tony Dow be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and squarely faced the Confederate Flag Burning Amendment issue by stating: "We tell them, you're going to tell us what to do with our flag? We'll tell you what to do with the pole."*

"Them" was not available for comment, having been stunned by the Reverend/Governor's white lightning wit. But, as folks here 'bouts in Arkansas know, when them says nuthin', them's sho-nuf plannin' somethin'.

Meanwhile half of the other former Arkansas governor team running for president responded by saying, "I suggested that Hillary add a pole to her campaign stage performances."

A recent PBS/Fox/BPNN poll suggests that the pole issue plays well in Arkansas and South Carolina where candidate Johnny "Also-Ran" Edwards is expected to release a pole plan of his own, one that recognizes the pole as an integral part of the US economy "going forward."

................****

* True quote

dateline: Polecat Trailer Haven, Arkansas, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reheated.

Huckabee: From God's Lips To Your Ballot

2008-01-19T04:52:00.000-08:00

We Can't Make This Stuff Up

When Divine Inspiration strikes, we in the media--as our conservative radio talk show colleague Surge Windbag notes--"must give pause." And after that pause, when our senses return, we usually comment on whatever the current egregious proclamation from the dwindling field of presidential candidates might be. We call our commentaries "editorials," a Latin term meaning, "slow news day." And on the day of the South Carolina Primary and Las Vegas Caucus we offer this unedited comment from former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon):

"I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do is amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than trying to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view of how we treat each other and how we treat the family." *

As promised, we won't comment, nor could we get a comment from God (TM), who was reportedly busy rewriting the United States Constitution. It should be noted, however, that God (TM) is not registered to vote in either South Carolina or Las Vegas, Nevada; only in Iowa, where he's already cast his ballot for the Southern Baptist televangelist turned Republican front-runner.

***

* True quote. Be afraid, be very, very afraid....almost makes Romney seem rational.

"God" is the registered trademark of the Republican Party which is solely responsible for your salvation.

Those passages not copyrighted by God, LLC (TM) or his agents, is the property of the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©.

Massachusetts Governor Wins Native State

2008-01-16T05:16:00.000-08:00

GOP Faces New Challenge

In the wake of former Massachusetts Governor Romney's stunning victory in Michigan--his home state that he left 40 years ago to serve as a front-line missionary in France during the Vietnam War--Mitt "The Kid" faces unforeseen Comeback Kid challenges. "We're running out of candidates," Republican National Lapel Pin chair, Darby Wawson, noted aboard the Romney Limited campaign jet as it lifted off from George Romney International Airport in Lansing, Michigan just minutes after the ballots we're counted and destroyed. "So far," Wawson said off -the-record, "We've allowed each candidate to win a state; we call it our 4-H policy--every candidate a winner." Dawson then shrugged and giving a George W grin, he continued, "Who could've foreseen that we'd still be in this race after New Hampshire? I mean, we thought Obamalamadama was a lock, and we was lookin' toward 2012 when we get another shot at Hillary. But, now? Sh&#, we're screwed." Shifting uncomfortably in the club seat while pouring another two fingers of Johnny Walker Blue label and looking over his shoulder to make certain the candidate hadn't seen, Wawson confided with us: "It's a mess, this whole GOP primary is a mess." He ticked off the reasons on his fingers, wet with whiskey: "Rudy has dibs on Florida, Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and-or-Order Thompson has an option on South Carolina, and just 'tween you and I..."

"You and me," our correspondent corrected.

"...I think Freddie's gonna exercise his Carolina option. I haven't seen the script yet, what with that writers strike and all...So, where's that leave us? Every candidate's got hisself a primary win, and still this thing won't end! We just need more Republican candidates."

"What about McCain?"

"Who?

"Mc...."

"Oh, yeah, he who's name must never be spoke," Wawson dismissed the second-place Michigan winner. "He's not really one of us." Wawson's wink combined with the secret sign of touching his nose and flag lapel pin, indicated how uncommitted the GOP really was to its one veteran candidate.

Still, Wawson admitted in further confidential conversations before the Johnny Walker ran dry, "Romney's finally got a couple of good one liners, stuff voters can hold onto."

"Such as...?"

"The Fence...."

"Border fence?"

"Yeah, shhh...." Wawson waved his glass, "This is where he trumps even Rudy. While everyone else is focusing on the Mexican fence...."

"I think it's the US fence along the Mex...."

"Romney will build a fence along Michigan's northern border."

"Canada?"

"Wisconsin. Keep them cheeseheads outa the U.P.; bunch of Hillary liberals not supporting the troops or even going forward..." And before elaborating on the Border Security issue, Wawson gave us a taste of Romney's new campaign slogan: "A New Pessimism." And seeing my no-reaction, Wawson quoted from Romney's victory speech: "Tonight is a victory...over Washington-style pessimism."* Wawson grinned, "Good, huh? Everyone is sick to death of Washington-style this and Washington-style that...including pessimism. Romney knows the voters want change..."

"And hope..."

"And hope...but change more than hope," Wawson said, "And he's the only hope we have for change to a 'New Pessimism' in America...going forward. Always going forward."

Meanwhile, The Clintons, LLC (TM) easily won Michigan's Democratic primary with a new strategy of only running in states where no other candidates are on the ballot. When asked at the Democrat's Texas Hold 'em Debate last night in the Evel Knievel Room at Little Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, to comment on The Clintons' Michigan surge, Senator Obamalamadama said nothing but gave a street-wise digital gesture indicating disgust.

When asked how he might do in the upcoming make-or-break-firewall-metaphor-challenged South Carolina Primary, Senator Johnny Edwards, esq., (D-NC) threatened legal action against anyone who voted against him.

*Taken from Romney's real victory speech...leaving out the words we thought were boring and didn't capture our interpretation of events.

dateline: Sumter, South Carolina, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refuted.

Romney Correction

2008-01-09T05:34:00.000-08:00

We Goofed

In yesterday's BPNN Update, our field reporter, Artie Azzetti, referred to the former governor of some northeastern, liberal state--where gay abortions are required when purchasing a handgun--as Milton Willard Romney, aka "Mittens." He erred and, if he could be contacted, Azzetti would no doubt be concerned, as we are, that his mistake had been discovered. Milton Willard was actually the name of a TV cartoon dinosaur, voiced by Sandy Becker, on WPIX in New York City in the late 1950s. Governor Romney's real name is Willard Milton, and apparently went by the nickname, Willy, as in this kid gives us the willies. For that reason, and with an eye toward a possible presidential run in 2008, Willy, in 1959, had his nickname legally changed to Mitt, named for the family dog, which unfortunately disappeared on a summer vacation road trip and therefore, was unavailable for comment. This was almost confirmed when our research staff attempted to contact Wilton Millard's son, Zip, at Romney's New Hampshire campaign headquarters on the shores of Lake Sunapee near Keene. However, after winning yet another "silver medal" in yesterday's primary, the entire Romney staff decamped before we could get a comment. The Romneys were reportedly headed to Wyoming where Mitt, the former governor of that state where everyone is named Kennedy, could savor his one "gold medal" win.

The entire staff of the Blog Party News Network and its IHOP affiliate, the International House Of Paranoia, sincerely regret any discomfort or inconvenience this error may have caused us.

Meanwhile, in a curious upset, former Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon) turned in a surprisingly weak third-place finish behind Romney and Senator John McCain (R-AZ). Initially, BPNN exit polls suggested that New Hampshire voters--unlike Iowans--couldn't bring themselves to vote for a Hanna-Barbera character in an election where characters count. But, then, it was reported that just minutes before the polls opened 86% of Huckleberry supporters had actually been swept heavenward in an ill-timed Republican Rapture that pushed McCain over the finish line ahead of God's chosen one. God was reportedly mulling his/her options.

On the Democrat field, The Clintons (TM) scored an even curiouser upset against Senator Obamalamadama, winning that primary by enough margin to ensure gas money toward next week's Michigan primary. At dawn today, a crocodile-teary Hillary could be seen at the wheel of the Clintons' Count Your Change campaign bus leaving the granite-willed state.

***

dateline: Lindys Diner, Keene, NH, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights perceived.

Iowa Caucus Wrap-up

2008-01-08T09:49:00.000-08:00

Iowa--A Look Back .

Former whatever he was, Milton Willard Romney (R-MA, MI, UT), aka Mitt--short for Mittens--finally took off the gloves as he boarded his Gulfstream IV family-jet at Des Moines Interdenominational Airport (KDSM) and headed for New Hampshire, where polls indicated he'd find a primary election. Stunned by his recent second-place, "silver medal," finish to Reverend/Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR), Romney declared, "We are doing God's work now," and while flashing a Nixonesque double V-for-Validation salute in the airplane's doorway, added, "in my opinion, by keeping al Qaeda and Hezbollah from establishing a safe haven."* Unable to hear his entire statement due to the noise level inside the airport bar where my press corps two-for-one vouchers were about to expire, we can only assume that the safe haven Romney referred to was Iowa, a state that had just shown Mitt that silver medals only count in the Olympics. But before I could ferret out any more facts from CNN the bartender switched off the TV set and said we had pay up or leave. The Iowa Caucus was over and the media's credit no longer any good..

In fairness, it should be noted that since then, neither al Qaeda nor Hezbollah--neither of which had candidates polling more than 2% in Iowa, slightly ahead of Rudy Giuliani (R-FL) and Ron Paul (R-Mars)--have shown themselves in the Hawkeye state, and Iowans, once again, feel safe to venture onto the streets, where, unfortunately, many have been run down by truckloads of ethanol promises heading out of town. Still, this reporter must admit that had Operation Enduring Primary not included Iowa, one can only guess what might have been. For that conjecture, we need only look toward New Hampshire, another state most Americans couldn't find on an IHOP map and one that Michael Bloomberg could purchase with his lunch money. And yet, New Hampshire--like Iowa--is tasked with fine-tuning the candidates until one is finally deemed The Least Loser. (TM) **

Today, as memories of Iowa fade like Hillary's press briefing tears, and Granite staters head to their polls despite 50-degree weather, Iowans can only feel a misty sense of loss, knowing that they're not to be pandered to for another four years, although, the John Edwards' campaign has already replaced its Edwards '08 billboards that appear like so many Burma Shave signs along Interstate 80, with Edwards '12...'16...'20....

###

* actual quote: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/06/romney-i-want-bin-laden-_n_80072.html

** FoxTV, premiers January 20, 2009 8 EST/7CST

dateline: Last exit along I-80 in eastern Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights conveniently shifted left as the campaigns go forward in search of spare change.

Markets Crash As Huckabee Blitzes Iowa

2008-01-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

Chaos in the IHOP *

Not since the burning of Atlanta or the fall of Miss Saigon have fictionalized images so dramatically captured a made-for-TV political crisis. With Huckleberry supporters whooping it up until nearly 11 PM CST last night, Des Moines residents found no rest after months of relentless siege by political warlords and their armies of inhuman robo-dialers.

Just before dawn the voters had had enough, though, and the last of the Hillary campaign staff had to be airlifted off the Embassy Suites rooftop by helicopter. Aides reportedly tried to rally campaign volunteers--desperate for change--who tried to climb aboard and were last seen clinging to the copter's skids as it disappeared toward New Hampshire and an uncertain future. By first light, the Huckleberry troops controlled the city--smiling, helping old ladies across streets and brandishing their bass guitars and bibles.

Apparently, in reaction to this stunning political upset, stock markets around the world performed a collective plotz. Japan's markets sank over 4%, while the Dow Jones shed over 200 points. "It's a scary number," Joe Balestrino, senior portfolio manager at Federated Investors, said in response to an unrelated issue, but we liked the quote so much we've used it here without relevance, permission or footnote. "No question about it," Joe added, again, on that other issue. "No matter how good you wanted to feel...(and he added more facts we didn't need)...there is far less conviction than even two or three days ago."

Conviction, indeed. And where does that leave Iowa? Alone, between two very cold rivers, I'll tell ya. Abandoned like last night's prom date, without a friend as these candidates leave for other states; there to make promises, eat more things on a stick and pretend as though they--the candidates--actually want to attend your state fair or sit in your cafes and drink your weak coffee. Well, wake up, America. It happened in Iowa and can happen to you.

Democracy--It's not just for Iraq. And Caucus. It's not just a guttural word anymore; it's the name of a new movie by Michael Moore about how Iowa did its part to keep this country entertained until the writers strike ended.

***

* IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics

dateline Des Moines, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights rehashed.

Iowa Caucus Boffo Biz in Better Bistros

2008-01-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

Wallace and Davis To Team? They'll Have Competition...

Two unknowns swept the Iowa Caucus (TM) last night, stunning old-guard party stalwarts on both sides of the now crumbling aisle while potentially changing the face of American politics. Senator Hillary Rodham (D-NY) and former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL), seemed to come out of nowhere to win Hawkeye hearts and minds. Little is known of these two centrist, erudite politicians who have smashed the mold of what’s expected in Beltway politics. (Not that we understand any of those metaphors, but are required by a vague code of journalistic ethics to use them while "going forward.")
.
In his concession speech, Mitt Romney (R-MA) said: “In the next ten years, we'll see more progress, more change than the world has seen in the last ten centuries,”* thus admitting that his campaign theme, “Return With Me To the Middle Ages!” was ill advised. He’s reported to have fired all five sons from his campaign payroll, telling them to “Go get real jobs, ya bums.” Three have reportedly joined the Army, now that they’re no longer encumbered by a promise to help elect their Daddy to the White House.
.
Rudy Giuliani, reached at the North Miami AARP Supper Club during the Early Bird Surge, told reporters: “9-11…9-11…terror….9-11…no cole slaw, just a pickle, dear….9-11….”
.
Fred Thompson (R-NBC), who scored a respectable 14% in the caucus said he’d release a victory statement as soon as the writers strike ended and he was given his lines.
.
Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) watched the Caucus results on his iPhone in the IHOP** coffee shop in Dayton, where he and Ralph Nader plotted an alliance for 2012. They reportedly left no tip.

***

* true quote

** International House Of Pathos, not affiliated with Iowa House Of Politics or the International House Of Pancakes.
dateline: Bush 08 HQ, West Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) © all rights reserved and defended in order to maintain a well regulated militia.

Iowa Caucus Home Stretch

2008-01-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

Candidates Grovel Toward the Finish Line
.

Sinking dramatically in the most recent Des Moines Register-Picayune poll of Iowans most likely to lie to pollsters who keep annoying them with dumb questions, Johnny Edwards (D N or SC) responded in Dylanesque verse:

"I don’t need a poll

To tell me that--

We’re moving,”* he sang while plucking on a folk guitar at the Java Jurors coffee house off Court Avenue in downtown Des Moines on this final full day of pandering and rationalizing before the Iowa Caucus.

"And I don't need a weatherman

To tell which way the wind blows," Edwards continued into the second verse before the crowd dispersed as word spread that candidate Obamalamadama (D-CHI) was playing down the street at the Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP). .

Throughout the Hawkeye state desperate presidential hopefuls attended to last-minute campaigning. Mitt The Kid Romney was spotted shoveling snow with his five sons at the Odd Fellows Hall in Garden Grove, Iowa. John McCain took a turn as a bouncer at Big Earl's Club in Des Moines tossing out underage voters by the coattails, sending each one into the night with a "Thanks, ya little twerp."

In Eastern Iowa, candidate HillyBilly Clintons (D-NY+/-) dressed up as Mother Theresa and walked barefoot through the snow spreading health care insurance pamphlets while supporters in saffron robes chanted, "Time For Change? Spare Change..." and tore down Obamalamadama banners.

In southern Iowa, former Governor Mike Huckleberry (R?-AR), still smarting from his failed Don't Watch My Video campaign, reverted to his roots and preached before dwindling crowds of mouth-breathing undecided voters before picking up his bass guitar and, despite fingers numbed by the cold, launched into a Christian version of Free Bird.

Delaware's, Joe Bidentime addressed a packed room at the Indianola Day Care Center where many in the crowd, made up largely of his own family, grew cranky having listened well beyond their normal nap time. Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT), meanwhile, tended bar a block away at Signatures Grill on the Indianola square. A slow night, as it turned out, his tip jar netted $4.50 according to a FEC filing..Dodd has reportedly requested federal matching funds.

And in North Dakota, candidate Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) briefly addressed a polite crowd at the Fargo Bowl 'n Wash before a campaign aide checked the rental car GPS and informed the candidate that they'd accidentally left Iowa several days before.

This just in: Michael Bloomberg's personal jet has been spotted at the Des Moines International Airport (where there are no international flights). Unconfirmed reports of the NY City mayor arriving with bags of billion-dollar bills, ready to buy the Caucus state, are just that--unconfirmed--but, even at this late date, may portend a major shift in the Iowa Caucus, especially if we continue to use words such as "portend."

***

*real quote

Huckleberry Turns The Other Cheek in Iowa

2008-01-01T06:08:00.000-08:00

Christian Candidate's Bona Fides Still Largely Intact

“It’s never too late to do the right thing,”* front-runner Mike Huckleberry (C-AR), Christian candidate for president said in New Year's Eve press briefing just days before Iowans caucus in a collective ritual that determines what candidates the rest of the country will receive. Mr. Huckleberry was referring to his decision to not air by airing an ad attacking his attacker, Mitt "The Kid" Romney. "See?" Huckleberry shouted from the pulpit before a press corps hardened by years of Iowa campaigning. "You asked for it!"

"No we didn't," Davis Yawpsun, Politics-as-Entertainment-Editor for the Des Moines Register - Picayune, noted from the open bar.

Still, Huckleberry pressed on by pressing the press into watching the controversial ad he'd just banned. In it, a small female child picks daisies in an undisclosed Iowa ethanol field. Overhead, angels fly unaware of the looming Romney doom. Suddenly, as the child sings the glories of Huckleberry in Biblical verse, with a faint image of the candidate dressed in a white robe and playing a mean Martin bass guitar in the background, Romney--portrayed as a dark angel of death in a Boston Red Sox jacket--unleashes a mushroom cloud of hellfire, tax increases, gun control, and state-sponsored illegal gay space aliens forcing abortions upon the Iowa electorate.

As the screen fades to black, Governor Huckleberry's voice, amid a choir of cherubim, is heard to say, "I'm Mike Huckleberry, and I approved this message...then...but now I don't, so please don't watch it, again and again, and please don't write any front page stories about it or put it on your blogs or, heavens forsake my campaign--on YouTube!"

Well, editorially speaking, the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) is not beholden to any one candidate--except to those who donate the most to our travel funds--and therefore, although no one on our staff has actually seen the ad, BPNN refuses to fall for the governor's blatant attempt to get this respected media vehicle to run one word about the Mike Huckleberry banned ad, which can be viewed on our website and forwarded to your friends so that they, too, won't see it. Again, the banned ad is not to be viewed at http://www.wehearthuckleberry.org/ and on the BPNN website.

***

*actual quote

Huckleberry Puts Pakistan on the Map

2007-12-29T06:18:00.000-08:00

Pakistan Now Where Mexico Once Was

As the Mike Huckleberry campaign rethinks its decision to hire Lauren Caitlin Upton, the renowned Miss South Carolina, as a speechwriter to replace striking writers, the candidate--stumping in Pella, Iowa--stumbled through a pop quiz on his least favorite subject: Geography.

Mrs. Vernon Schaaksbref of Vinton, Iowa asked the former Arkansas governor, "Governor, given the recent tragic events in Pakistan, vis-a-vis Bhutto's assassination, or as the Musharraf government now considers it, a suicide--how would a Huckleberry administration react?"

The Southern Baptist, gun-waving, weight-losing, marathon-running, constantly-evolving, Republican(ish) front-runner squirmed uncomfortably while eyeing the plate of glazed Dutch Letters within reach before answering, "I'm glad you asked that question, and personally I believe it's a question that needs to be asked and one that, such as, as far as I can tell, no one, such as, has asked to this point. And to that point, such as," the sweating candidate continued to layout his geopolitical worldview in Miss South Carolina wing-it fashion, "we have more Pakistani illegals coming across our border than all other nationalities, except those immediately south of the border.”* He pointed vaguely at Missouri and then seemed to recover and shot back at the inquisitor: "Can we just focus on my weight lose? Does everything in politics nowadays have to be about world events?"

***

.(c)

*That bit is a real quote.

dateline: Pellawindows, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights researched, refined and redefined for easier consumption.

Endorsements Fly in Iowa

2007-12-18T05:18:00.000-08:00

Citing a looming deadline and the need to "pick someone," The Des Moines Register-Picayune announced its choices for the upcoming Iowa Caucus. At an unscripted live press conference, the newspaper's Politics-As-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpsun, read the winners' names from the back of a Court Avenue Brew Pub coaster: "Ah, for the Republican Party we picked...ah, just a sec," Yawpsun adjusted his reading glasses, "Can't read my own writing...least I think it's my handwriting." A hush filled the room until Yawpsun directed an Iowa Public TV reporter to quit hushing, and then continued, "Best I can tell, I recommend Governor...no, wait, that's Senator...yeah, Senator McCain for the Republican nomination, and...huh?" Yawpsun paused, appearing confused. "Whaddya know," he mused, "I had written what looks like 'Obama,' could be 'Oprah'...might even be 'Omagosh,' can't tell. Anyhoooo, looks like I crossed it out and wrote in "The Clintons." An even bigger hush filled the room until Yawpsun, removing his glasses stared at the press corps and with arms wide, asked, "What? It was a long night; can't expect me to remember all them names...." He then left the stage muttering, "Not like anyone attending the caucus actually knows who the hell's running..."

Contacted in New Hampshire where he was changing a tire with his bare hands on his Never Give Up; Never Surrender Galaxy Quest campaign bus outside the Marlow VFW Hall, John McCain (R-AZ) said of the Des Moines Register-Picayune's endorsement: "Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I think we are starting to see some of the same thing we saw in 2000.” * Which, to this reporter, means that McCain sees himself getting trashed, again, by George W. Bush.

Meanwhile, a person-of-spokes for The Clintons campaign issued a carefully worded statement on legal paper stating, in part, that "It's about f*&ing time! What's wrong with those square-headed farmers? They think we slogged through that stupid state fair just to smell the pig poop? I mean, come on!"

Candidate Obamaladama paused while healing lepers before an estimated crowd of 300,000 at the Iowa State University Political Science Arena as moderator, Professor Stephano Schlitz, aka, "Dr. Political Death," informed the one-term Illinois candidate of the Des Moines newspaper's selections. Obamalamadama replied by striking a nearby stone with his staff and beer flowed forth. "Let's see them top that," the Senator quipped as the Iowa multitudes surged forward chanting: "Beer! Beer! Beer! Oh, Oh, Obamalamadama!"

In other endorsements: The Urbandale Shopper selected Mitt The Kid Romney (R?-MA) after he purchased the weekly handout for a reported $3 million. The NRA's The Rifleman magazine scoped New Mexico's Bill Richardson, because, as editor Lucas McCain noted, "He's the closest thing we got to the late Chuck Connors." Marie Osmond, in a surprise move, chose Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon) saying she could never resist a good bass man. Striking NBC writers voted to back Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-And/Or-Order Thompson and were immediatly hired to rewrite his campaign. The Minuteman Manifesto selected Tom Tancranko (R-CO). Senator Joseph Biden endorsed fellow Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), who, in a show of good sportsmanship, endorsed the Delaware Senator. No one endorsed Ron Paul (L-TX), but another $12 million magically appeared in his account from Internet donors, and Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) received the endorsement of the East Cleveland Middle School Gazette, narrowly defeating Republicanish Rudy The G-Man Giuliani.

...........................***

* actual quote NY Times, December 18, 2007

dateline: Poliennui, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reaffirmed.

Writers Strike Disrupts Republican Debate

2007-12-13T05:59:00.000-08:00

Candidates Without Mouthpieces Babble In Des Moines

Resorting to puns, cliches and...those other things that sound dumb, Republican candidates shuffled through yet another debate in Iowa, this one hosted by Sister Maria Belladonna, Guest Political Editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune. After making all candidates "line up behind his respective rostrum," Sister Belladonna fired the opening question at Governor Mitt The Kid Romney (R-MA, mostly): "Mister Romney, if elected president...stand up straight, please, Mr. Romney."

"Sorry, sister."

"And unless you've brought enough for everyone, please remove that smug confidence from your face."

Obligingly, Mitt stood up straight and waited the avenging nun to finish her question: "...how would you simultaneously secure our nation's borders, increase American worker productivity and mow your lawn?"

Romney began to smile, hesitated and replied, "I'm glad you asked that question."

Sr. Belladonna could be heard to mutter, "I'll bet you are," as she slapped a ruler against her palm.

Romney swallowed hard, seemed to be confused and resorted to an old stump speech: "Blah, blah, blah...blah, blah...blah!"

Both supporters in the audience of 12 applauded as the moderator turned her attention to Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR): "Mr. Huckleberry..."

"Yes, sister?"

"Please don't interrupt."

"Yes..."

"As the current front-runner, how will you maintain this (pause) unlikely lead, given your opponents' willingness to, well, do whatever it takes to bring you down? You have 30 seconds."

"Thirty seconds for what?"

"To answer the question, Mr. Huckleberry."

"Oh..."

"Twenty-five seconds."

With his patented deer-in-the-headlights gaze, Huckleberry--working for weeks without a speechwriter--replied: "kill the snake rather than just treat the snakebites...I can’t part the Red Sea, but I believe I can part the red tape...(and) a polarized country has led to a paralyzed government.”*

Sr. Belladonna stared, said nothing for 15 seconds as Huckleberry squirmed. Finally, "Thank you, Governor."

"I'm a governor, too, Sister!" Mitt Romney shouted.

"No talking out of turn..."

"I want to talk about illegal aliens, please, Sister," Congressman Tancranko (R-CO) whined.

"Not today, Mr. Tancranko," Sr. Belladonna said. "We're only talking about real issues today."

Tancranko, knowing he hadn't done his homework and would have nothing further to say, stormed off the stage muttering, "Stupid issues...stupid illegal space aliens...."

After a few more questions to which candidates simply repeated previously memorized speeches, Sister Belladonna removed her reading glasses and asked the assembled Republican presidential candidates: "Have any of you gentlemen done your homework?"

Romney's hand shot up, but Belladonna ignored him adding, "Anyone actually done his own homework?" Romney's hand slowly dropped, after which Rudy Giuliani shot a spit wad and Johnny McCain giggled, while Ronnie Paul tried to unravel his tie from the microphone cord.

Sister Belladonna rapped the moderator's rostrum with her ruler and demanded: "Show of hands, is anyone of you able to write his own words, to have an independent thought?" An awkward silence was interrupted by Freddie Thompson who pumped and arm fart. And with that, another presidential candidates debate was concluded and they all ran outside for recess...all except Romney who remained behind offering to help fold chairs. Sr. Belladonna refused his offer and was last seen lighting a cigarette as she left the building.

***

*real quotes: NY Times Dec. 13, 2007

dateline: Des Moines, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights revered.

O, Yes, IOWA

2007-12-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

Crowds Show For Oprah; Some Stay To Hear Candidate

In the final countdown to Iowa Caucus 2008 (TM), candidates now divide their precious Hawkeye state moments between poking ever sharper sticks at each other and dragging out celebrity endorsements. Front runner, Mike Huckleberry (D-AR), has signed up aging Texas Fearless-Fu Fighter, Chuck Norris, as well as the previously uncommitted, Jesus Christ, who until recently was assumed to be remaining on the sidelines. A person-of-spokes for Christ told BPNN: "Jesus doesn't like to endorse candidates, per se, but ever since..." (she paused to whisper) "he whose name must never be spoken* has come out for Rudy "The G-Man" Giuliani, well, heaven knows we had to move, and since Oprah's made her pick, and Streisand hers, the selections were getting thin. So, we went with Mike."

The Streisand endorsement refers to the critical backing of Barbra Streisand, LLC., a factor sure to put Iowa caucus goers in a quandary, or as one potential caucuser, Millie Eckdevaalt, said at a recent Dancing With the Candidates event held at the newly remodeled, Pella IHOP **: "Barbra who?" When pressed about who'd she'd support, Eckdevaalt pointed to her red and black ABH (Anyone But Hillary) button and said, "I'd vote for Gilligan before I'd voter for them Clintons again."

Bob Denver (aka Gilligan) would not return our calls confirming his recent entry into this already crowded race. A person-of-spokes for Mr. Denver did, however, imply that Denver might be ineligible to run as he was dead. Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, reportedly has said that death could disqualify the otherwise "electable" candidate. Freddie "Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order" Thompson (R-NBC), who has long been rumored to be The Skipper, views a Gilligan run as potentially disastrous for the Iowa Caucus TV vote. Gilligan's campaign manager, Alan Hale, Jr., would neither confirm nor deny these rumors, which tells us that there's either a last-minute "Caucus surprise" in the works or not.

In other breaking Iowa campaign news, Mitt "The Kid" Romney (R-MA, MI, UT?)--who's trailing well behind Huckleberry and Gilligan in a recent BPNN/Des Moines Register-Picayune poll of illegal aliens likely to attend the caucus--appeared on live TV without the aid of striking speechwriters to announce that he is not a Muslim. Apparently, this was an Internet rumor and has been squashed, although, one has to wonder what the lingering effects will be. Candidate Romney went on to explain that his wife wears a respectable Republican cloth coat and that his son "Tagg" lives in a shoe with his dog and will not come out. The Romney campaign machine hopes this puts the whole Mormon/Muslim controversy to bed and the candidate can return to doing what Iowans like best about the Massachusetts governor--showering the state with money.

.....................................****

*Pat Robertson

**Iowa House Of Politics (TM)

dateline: Pella, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all flights canceled

Ethanol State Caucus Turns Grassroot

2007-12-06T04:59:00.000-08:00

Brew It Yerself, Pol Says

Democratic candidates elbowed for the lead in sustaining Iowa's ethanol caucus boom during a recent Iowa Public Radio candidates debate, with Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) seeming to take the lead with a new tact: "Under my administration, there will be an ethanol plant in every garage!" His Rooseveltian delivery impressed many listeners who immediately went on line to http://www.kuspinichrunsforever.org/ and pledged a record $456 to his flagging campaign. When pressed by moderator--NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me celeb, Carlos Casttillo--to explain just how the f*&# you plan to do that," Kuspinach flashed his famous lack of smile (rumor has it his tongue is pierced, which doesn't play well in Iowa) and said: "If caucusers will go to my website and make a pledge to become a Friend of Ethanol (TM), they will receive an Energy Independence Starter Kit (TM), which consists of four ears of price-supported Iowa corn, a tax credit and directions on how to build a wind-powered ethanol plant out or recycled campaign posters, suitable for either backyard or basement use."

Upon further investigation, it should be noted that Kuspinach may have gleaned the idea from George Bush, Jr.'s 2000 campaign proposal to put a "nucular power plant in every backyard, heh," an idea put on hold by his Uncle Dick until complete victory is achieved in the Mideast. Persons-of-spokes for neither The White House (TM) nor the the Kuspinach campaign responded to our repeated plans to contact them for comment. Nor, it should be noted, were we able to get our Homeland Ethanol Plant (TM) to produce as much gasoline substitute as candidates seem to promise. Although, by adding yeast and hops we have produced a drinkable beer and have invited all the candidates over for a post-Caucus party to be held at the Des Moines IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics) (TM) located on the corner of Court and 2nd Avenues. So far only Christopher Dodd (D-CT of West Des Moines) has responded: "Free beer? Damn skippy, I'll be there!" And then after some reflection asked, "I don't have to actually win the caucus to get the beer do I?"

No, Senator, Iowans are willing to share with anyone--Democrat, Republican--Winners and Losers alike....except, Hillary, she gets all mouthy and tries to dance when drunk.

.....................................................***

dateline: Templeton, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor on the lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reworked.

Mitt Schmitt, We Got It Wrong

2007-12-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

Correction

It's a rare event when the media err (pause to double check noun/verb agreement) and admit their mistake. We've made ours and, worse, have been caught. Over the years, we--The Media (TM) --have learned that it's not the mistake that causes the rukus, but the inevitable cover-up that gives a story legs. Take Condi Rice, for example--great legs. And she's rarely off the front page. Go back in political history to Donna Rice of Gary Hart lap-dancing fame--good legs, not great, so that scandal quietly slipped away. More recently, former fat Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR) surged in Iowa Polls when he came in third at the IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics (TM)) annual Run For Your Political Life Marathon held in Britt, Iowa, home of the Hobo Museum,* by pumping his post-heavy weight legs faster than any pundit willing to leave the Britt Bar & Grill could've imagined. Huckleberry easily passed Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons who have been stumbling recently while trying to run a three-legged race in a two-legged state.

We've learned this because making up news is easier than reporting it. So, we make stuff up. That's our job as dedicated members of the Fourth Estate. All of this makes it especially difficult for this editor to admit that we were wrong all along about former Massachusetts Governor Mitt "The Kid" Romney. His name isn't Mitt. It's Willard...yeah, like the creepy guy in the 1971 movie about the rats. Mitt is short for Milton....yeah, like the guy who wrote that boring Paradise Lost. You remember, that thing we were all supposed to read in college but no one did but laughed nonetheless when it was made into the movie Animal House.

No one may ever read this correction, but after several months of covering up our error, we knew it was time to come clean and clear Willard Milton's name. So, Mr. Romney...Mitt, we are truly sorry about your name.

****

dateline: Indianola, Iowa, editor, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights redefined.

*Britt Iowa's Hobo Museum--real place.

Musharraf Tosses Helmet in Iowa Caucus Ring

2007-11-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

Iowa Caucus Race In Turmoil!

In a shocking special session Thanksgiving decision, the nation's highest court ruled that President-General Perezzzzzz Musharraf (R-PK) could reelect himself to the nation's highest office. Reaction from the White House was supportive: "He's a good man," President Bushcheney said while serving turkey and dressing to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (TM) at Camp David (TM) as the musical troupe prepared to deploy to Iraq, in what has been viewed as an effort to derail former Governor Mitt Romney's (R-MA) influence in the Iowa Caucus. The President then added with a smirk (TM): "(But) Mufassa (sic) needs to take off his uniform."

It took a week or so to translate "take off his uniform" into a workable phrase that the Pakistani General/President could accept, and with speechwriters still on strike, the White House was forced to outsource the translation to a Karachi firm, which apparently found just the right wording, because, today, Musharraf stood before his Parliament in civie skivvies and a NY Yankees baseball cap. With his voice echoing through the great hall, he said: "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth, oh yes, thank you very much, indeed." Musharraf then donned Johnny Edwards designer campaign blue jeans (TM) and announced his candidacy for the President of the United States.

Reaction in Iowa, the First-In-The-Nation Caucus State (TM), was swift-boat fast. "Now that Musharraf has entered the race," the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpson announced on his syndicated TV program, The Barbaric Yawp, "this changes the entire equation." Yawpsun--himself struggling in the wake of the writers strike, now in its seventh week--proceeded to illustrate his analysis on an erasable board using non-union phrases such as "it's a whole new ballgame," and "proof that Iowa voters are an independent-minded lot." He seemed to be on the verge of saying "as we go forward," when Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, took the microphone and said that "there were serious issues and questions regarding Mr. Musharaff's candidacy. Do we know anything about this guy? Is he really an Iowan or just pretending? I want bona fides."

The question seemed moot as the Internet was already awash with rumors that Musharaff was a "Mormon," and conservative radio host, Surge Windbag, rallied his WHO-Knewsradio audience to throw its support behind Chicago Senator Obamalamadama because, as Windbag seemed to imply (or we inferred), "he's no Mormon." Later, station owner, Don Imus, expressed shock and regret at Windbag's remarks and promised that former General President Musharaff would receive a big, friendly Iowa welcome and a seasonal "Ho-Ho-Ho!"

Elsewhere in Iowa, the Huckleberry (R?-AR) campaign--which has been surging in recent polls much to the candidate's own surprise and Romney-Rudy's collective chagrin--expressed, through his campaign spokesman and former Iowa Senate pro tem, Danny Carroll, moral concern about run-on sentences and Musharaff's ability to lead the United States: “I think it just causes some uneasiness as to how somebody is going to respond when heavy responsibility is placed on them. I think the Christian would like to know that the person has a strong anchor and prays to the God of the Bible (TM).”* Bibles of the God © were then dropped from a circling USAF C-130 cargo plane onto the Iowa masses undecided about which God endorsed which candidate. Those not enraptured by the message were rendered unconscious. "The Christian," Carroll referenced was unavailable for comment.

***

dateline: Turmoil, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party Muse Network ©, all rights returned for deposit.

* actual quote: NY Times November 28, 2007

Writers Strike At Clintons Iowa Campaign

2007-11-12T05:56:00.000-08:00

With The United Brother and/or Sisterhood of Amalgamated Speechwriters, Seamfitters and Lollipop Leaguers still on strike, presidential campaigns across Iowa are spinning out of control as candidates' aides desperately comb local colleges for any unused words. Aides in the Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons' Brigade took a page from the FEMA self-examination book and allegedly coaxed a Grinnell College Student to toss the New York senator a slow pitch during a recent campaign stop. "Um, Ms. Senator Clintons, like, um, if you were to um, you know, like, should get, um, like elected or even caucused?"

Senator Clintons immediately picked up the ball and launched into a practiced speech on motherhood, clean air and her evolving views on water-boarding. She then vanished in a puff of smoke while a deep voice, rumored to be from Billy, her darker half, warned the suddenly terrified Grinnellkins to "Ignore the words behind the curtain." Unfortunately for the Clintons a reporter from the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Inc. persisted in pulling back that curtain and discovered that the student's questions was a plant, a dupe, a patsy, I tells ya, and the Hilly/Billy campaign knew all along.

A campaign staffer immediately stopped the BPNN investigation by invoking the Moving Forward immunity card: “It’s not something we do,"* Mr. Elleithheeheehee smugly announced.

"What, water-boarding?"

"No, planting questions," Elleithheeheehee continued unfazed. "It’s not an 'official' campaign policy.” He seemed to punctuate his 'statement' with air quotes and then elaborated on Clintons' My dog didn't bite you, but if it did, it wasn't my dog campaign rationale: “But it is now an 'official' campaign policy that we will not do this moving forward.” **

There it is. Once a candidate "moves forward" there's nothing anyone can do, especially in Iowa, a state with the motto: A Place To Go Forward © . As though to emphasize the hopelessness, Grinnellkens saw Senator Hilly/Billy turn over an over sized hour glass and declare, "Only eight weeks to Caucus time, my pretties...!" Her cackling laugh terrified second tier candidates cowering in a nearby shrubbery.

In a usual display of rehearsed pluck, candidate Johnny Edwards (D-ESQ) announced, "Wait! I just might have an idea..."

(to be continued?) ***

*****

dateline: Emerald City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network, (BPNN) ©, all rights temporarily wronged.

*Actual quote from Elleithheeheehee, NYTimes, November 12, 2007

** ibid

*** Not if you vote first and Vote Iowa Blog Party!

Writers Strike Enters Week 2 in Iowa Caucus

2007-11-09T05:37:00.000-08:00

Candidates Speechless!

With presidential hopefuls wandering wordlessly across freshly harvested Iowa cornfields in desperate search for quips and original thoughts, neither party can deny the effects wrought by the Speechwriters Guild strike, now entering its second week and causing even Blog Party News Network (BPNN) writers to resort to excessive adjective build-up, camp metaphor and lack of sentence-ending punctuation..."We're reduced to using an ellipse at the end of every darn sentence..." said David Yawpson, the Politics-As-Entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, where staff writers--although not Guild members, themselves--refuse to cross striking writer picket lines, "Unless there's, like, an exclusive, you know...um, interview just sitting there," Yawpson admitted while flashing his boyish grin, recognizable by viewers of his hit PBS TV series, The Barbaric Yawp...and with no end to that sentence in sight, we're forced to shift to a new paragraph.

...

Seemingly unaffected by the Writers Strike (TM) is former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckleberry, who's amassed a war chest of words, most from Ye Olde Testament! © and therefore considered, by some, to be in public domain. When confronted by fellow self-proclaimed conservative alternative to Rudy The G-Man Giuliani, Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order Thompson pulled out all the metaphorical stops and stopped just short of calling Huckleberry a "Hillary" by, instead, labeling him a “pro-life liberal.”*

Bold talk for a one-term fat man, but former fat man Huckleberry, dressed in flowing robe and sandals shot back: "Lo! Verily though the Writers Guild beith on strike, and Fred doth struggle to get some lines,” he paused to allow the swelling masses to catch up on his march across the vast Iowa landscape, “Whoever doth put such line together doth writeth for the comedy and, verily, not for a serious political drama.”**

Outside a nearby MaidRite (TM) cafe, a bush burst into flame.

***

Dateline: Ecclesiastes, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, Blog Party News Network ©, all rights conferred by a First Amendment-loving God.

*True quote. Unbelievable but true.

**Actual quote...well, close to the actual thing. Go to and judgeth for thine self: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/09/us/politics/09huckabee.html?_r=1&ref=todayspaper&oref=slogin

Pat Robertson Comes Out...

2007-11-08T06:24:00.000-08:00

...For Rudy!

In a stunning, and might we add--bold--display of political in-your-faceness, the Rev. Pat Robertson, who takes his orders directly from a gay-fearing God, ordered his Christian Broadcasting Network to get behind the pro-Choice, pro-Gay, New York City candidate. Why?

“Rudy’s a very good friend of mine,” Robertson admitted. *

To which we at BPNN say, "You go, Pat! You go!"

Maybe this time, he will.

***

Staff editorial, Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights no doubt condemned by Pat Robertson.

* Actual quote. For complete text of Pat Robertson's gushy relationship with the tough-talkin' Manhattan Mayor, go to: NYTimes.com November 8, 2007.

Writers Strike At Iowa Caucus

2007-11-07T05:39:00.000-08:00

Pols Dumbstruck as Ratings Plummet

Iowans awoke today to the consequences of the Writers Guild strike when the state's favorite reality program Democrat Party! © was removed from the Fox TV lineup and replaced by reruns of Ronald Reagan's hit 1980s series, Mornin', America! ©

"It's a nightmare," The Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-As-Entertainment-Editor, David Yawpson, remarked before a taping of the his weekly PBS series, The Barbaric Yawp. He then seemed stuck for words and stared blankly at this reporter until finally repeating, "It's a nightmare." Sweat was noticeable beneath his two-day old makeup, the result--this reporter can only conclude--from the Local Brotherhood of Makeup Artists and Seam Fitters (LBMASF) refusing to cross the writers' picket line that stretched around the public TV facility.

Effects from the writers walkout continued to be noticed across the Hawkeye state as presidential campaigns sputtered and stalled in small towns, where once glib politicians, armed by speechwriters, babbled aimlessly about Iraq, taxes and ethanol. With their writers on strike, they had to babble unassisted. It was ugly.

Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY, AR, IL), appearing in Iowa's famed Amana Refrigerator Colonies, feigned laryngitis and shrugged as reporters shouted questions. At her husband's suggestions, she managed a smile.

Senator Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order Thompson (R-NBC), currently floundering on the Iowa campaign trail even with the best Hollywood writers, was silenced mid-sentence while appearing at a Conservatives Against Everything rally in Waterloo. A quick-thinking aide noted the impending disaster and instantly reprogrammed the Senator to replay his role of the president in Hunt For Reds in October. The right-wing crowd seemed relieved and joined in Thompson's Marxist campaign song, "Whatever it is, I'm Against it!" *

Senator Obalamadama (D-CHI) didn't seem ruffled by the Writers Guild strike. "Read this," he quipped through cigarette smoke as he tossed an Iowa Code (law book) at this non-striking writer. "Iowa's a right-to-work state, man." My blank stare caused the senator to elaborate. "Dig it: I can use non-union writers here, and there ain't nuthin' the Guild can do or think about it." Appearing later that evening before the League of Homeless Voters in Ames, Iowa, Obalamadama launched into his non-union speech aimed at his nearest competitor, Senator Johnny Edwards (D-NC, LLC): "He wear no shine...He got holy roller...(But) He one mojo filter!" Pausing briefly to savor the applause, he drove home his message: "I am the walrus...coo-coo-ca-choo!" **

Former Governor Rudy The G-Man Giuliani (R-NY) smiled when asked if the writers' strike would negatively impact his plans to invade any country ending in an. "No way," Rudy dismissed the question. "I don't need no stinkin' script, I got Pat Robertson on my team--don't think that didn't cost me. 'sides, I memorized my line long ago." He then pushed away to work a crowd of adoring fans who chanted, "9-11...9-11...!"

Senator Joe Bidentime (D-DE), appearing before Cub Scout Troop 135 in Promise City, Iowa*** seemed least impacted by the writers' strike as he continued talking well past the strike deadline and his audience's bedtime.

Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), who claims to have never used professional writer staff, took the opportunity to resurrect an old script he's been trying to pedal for seven years. Impeach Cheney! was rejected by the Congressional Thought Control Committee but, in a move only possible in Iowa, was immediately scooped up by Rejection Slip Theater ©, which plans to turn the somewhat improbable storyline into a comedy. "Maybe add a dynamite dance number," RST's executive producer, Joe Pundzak, added when asked what could possibly be done to salvage the administration. When asked if he'd approve the Kuspinich radio musical, Rejection Slip Theater's host, Paul Berge, said, "I'm no writer; I just read the lines put in front of me."

***

Dateline: Denison, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights considered.

** Yeah, Beatles ©. Whaddya expect from non-onion writers?

*** Real place in southern Iowa.

O, Mama--Obama Wanna Change!

2007-11-02T05:54:00.000-07:00

Editorial

There, it's on the table: "I think it is important for us to send a signal," Senator Obamalamadama (D-CHI) said after the butt-whuppin' he took in Philadelphia when he dared attack Senator Clintons during a taping of the Fox-TV sitcom (1) , Democrat Party! © "That," Senator O continued, "we are not hellbent on regime change, just for the sake of regime change, but expect changes in behavior." *

That word, again--"behaviour." Clintons' behaviour has long been the whispered undercurrent of the Democratic Primary season. Party faithful know that to speak what must never be spoken (that the 30-year war between the two royal families: Clintons and Bushcheney cannot be allowed to go on) plays into media hands. "This thing, " Party capo regime, Dean Howard, recently noted at a secret meeting of Iowa Democrat leaders in a backroom of the West Des Moines IHOP **, "This si...silly thing cannot be allowed to go on...it's unholy and stops here."

Obamalamadama apparently agreed and showed remarkably restrained courage--if not self-destructive political impulses--by cautiously signalling it was, perhaps, maybe, could be time for "regime change" or behaviour change, whatever. Hellbent or otherwise, the freshman senator has been losing muscle in Iowa polls, but his sudden willingness to lash out against Clintons, comparing her--as we interpret it--to Bushcheney, says something about the entire process. Frankly, what it says is beyond us. But playing the Behavioural Card (TM) is clearly a signal that something is afoot, begging the question: Plots has he laid? What other cards, we must ask, is the Chicago senator yet willing to play? Does he, like so many other Dems, suspect that Clintons may not be the real power behind the party and that the strings are being pulled by that shadowy political operative, Iowa's governor Chet Barzini? We can only speculate, because the facts stubbornly refuse to expose themselves to the sunlight of tough investigatory reporting without actually getting the facts. That said, we can only note that "regime change," may indeed, already be under way. Still, as party leaders stood to applaud what Obamalamadama called, "the peace we have made here today," this reporter can only wonder if the Clintons will calmly accept regime change or, once again, "go to the mattresses."

***

(1) Democrat Party! © a BPNN production, was recently cancelled by NBC and sold to Fox.

*Actual quote...although, upon reflection, the senator may have been referring to regimes other than the Clintons/Bushcheney 30-year war.
**Iowa House Of Politics, a division of the International House Of Parody (TM) . Not a real quote.

Rudy's Mouthpiece Takes Biden Bait

2007-11-01T05:25:00.000-07:00

Referring to Joe Bidentime as “The good senator,"* Rudy The G-Man Giuliani's communications director, Katie Levinson (rumored to be one of the ex-mayor's next ex-wives) signaled that the Giuliani team sees the Delaware senator as a clear and present threat in 2008 and not the also-ran as viewed by most Iowa Democrats.

Beyond being merely "good" Ms. Levinson went on to explain that Joe "is quite correct that there are many differences between Rudy and him.”* She then reached back two decades to Bidentime's failure to footnote sources in a Poli-Sci 101 term paper he'd handed in while still a sophomore in presidential politics: “For starters,” Ms. Levinson continued, “Rudy..." The casual, almost familiar, use of the the former mayor's first name should be noted here: "(Rudy) rarely reads prepared speeches..." *

Levinson then clarified that apparently when Rudy does read so-called prepared speeches "he isn’t prone to ripping off the text from others. And," she continued her attack with a metaphorical shift, "Senator Biden certainly falls into the bucket of those (at the recent Democrat Philly-Whup-Hilly debate) who have never had executive experience and have never run anything."*

In fairness, it should be noted that the Delaware senator had run for president in 1988, losing because of the improperly-cited (plagiarized) passage and the fact that his paper was not typed.

"Wait," Levinson then added, as though having an original thought, while turning to the next page in her prepared statement, "I take that back; Senator Biden has never run anything (wait for it...) but his mouth.”*

This neener-neener-neener comment seemed to signal the next phase of Rudy's campaign to win in Iowa, or at least be distinguishable from the other out-of-staters in gray suits posing in bean fields. Rudy's campaign supporters immediately held up signs reading Has Run More Than His Mouth! when to everyone's surprise, Ms. Levinson, pulled off her glasses, undid the top button on her Republican clothe blouse and announced: "I, Katie Levinson, have a better chance of becoming president than he does!” *

Rudy supporters looked momentarily stunned, but being well-trained, instantly dropped their Rudy placards and replaced them with lipstick red: Katie--A Better Chance!

In a faraway castle, atop a dark mountain shrouded in fog, Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons, surrounded by winged monkeys, watched the shifting images in her crystal ball and smiled. "We'll see about your 'better chance,' my pretty." Her cackling laugh sent shivers through all the Who's in Whoville, Iowa, who--unbeknown to her--slowly found the courage to stand up to her dinner-time robo-calls.

As for the Delaware senator, who had been polling in single digits in the Ethanol State, Joe Bidentime was scheduled to speak at the opening of a new IHOP (TM) (Iowa House of Politics ©) in River City, Iowa, ** but was, instead, spotted by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-As-Entertainment editor, David Yawpson, at a Kinko's copying parts of the Gettysburg address for his next stump speech.

***

Dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reworded.

* Actual lengthy Levinson statement taken out of context, because it's just too boring to run unedited with an imagined background and laugh track. To read the more-or-less complete text of Levinson's rant, visit NY Times Nov 1 edition.

** Real place and future birthplace of Captain James Tiberius Kirk

IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics, a division of the International House Of Parody (TM). Not affiliated with pancakes, international, domestic or otherwise.

Clintons Show Steel In Philly

2007-10-31T05:45:00.000-07:00

Democratic candidates came together last night in the City of Brotherly Love for a rare display of unity to kick the tar out of the Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY, ETC)...or so they hoped. Candidate Obalamadama (D-CHI) seemed to lead the suicide attack by strapping on the threadbare Rush Limbaugh mantle of If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Just Say 'Clinton'. The half-term Senator from Chicago forgot that Rush is a clown, so his imitation of the Republican court jester took some of the sting out his stab: “It is the fight that we’ve been through since the ’90s," Obamalamada said. "And part of the job of the next president is to break the gridlock and to get Democrats and independents and Republicans to start working together to solve these big problems.”* Those big problems, presumably, being Clintons--maybe Bushcheneys--it was a little unclear to this reporter.

Former Senator Johnny Edwards (D-IA...er, NC) egged Obamalama on, whispering that he knew a good lawyer in case this tactic failed. He could be seen slipping him a business card on which was printed, Edwards, would make a swell VP. Works on contingency. Call.

Clintons, dazed but still standing, replied: “I need to rebut that,"** Whereupon her supporters broke with NBC debate protocol and chanted "Rebut that! Rebut that..." until moderator Tim Russet threatened to "clear the courtroom if there was one more outburst. This is a circus not a debate...ah, a debacle, not a, a ...oh, never mind."

Two bright spots in the Democrats' evening of discontent were Bill Richards (D-NM), sporting a black cape and mask, jumping to Clintons' defense. Waving a sword and stroking his pencil-thin mustache he challenged his fellow candiditoes to "Unhand that fairly lady. These are no ways for Democraticos for to be behaving. It is the Senor Bushcheneys we must defeat. There is no honor on this path you have chosen." He then rode off on his white charger and was never heard from again. Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!) took advantage of the awkward silence that followed to announce that he'd seen a UFO. Whereupon, everyone laughed, and theme music rose to indicate that another episode of Democrat Party! © had come to a close. Citing low ratings, though, NBC subsequently announced that the political sitcom was being replaced by Howie Mandel's Republican reality show: Appeal/No Appeal ©, in which a half-dozen rich white guys in dark suits vie to hide their pasts and appear tougher than an old Vietnam POW/fighter pilot. Early audience response seems to indicate a possible hit series with comments such as "Rudy's imitation of the Fonz is killer, just killer," a likely voter from Des Moines said.

***

Dateline: Philadelphia, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights regurgitated, opinions may vary.

* Actual quote

**Actual quote

Iowa Update: Hair Raising Torture

2007-10-26T05:44:00.000-07:00

As Iowa plays Hide-The-Caucus by continually shifting the date, presidential hopefuls continue undeterred to search for it. This week, alone, candidates Rudy The G-Man Giuliani (R-NY) and Senator Mickey McCain (R-AZ) struggled for Hawkeye hearts and/or minds by parsing the meaning of torture vis-a-vis waterboarding. The argument is mute to many Iowans who quietly believe that all presidential candidates should be tortured, "Give 'em back a little taste of what they been puttin' us through," Earl Soyrust, an independent voter from Twofourdee, Iowa, remarked after leaving a mandatory Meet Hillary Or Else event. "She calls in the middle of dinner, she calls on weekends," he lamented. "The lady just don't know when to shut up." At which point, Earl's wife, Annette, quipped, "Lot like that Biden fella." Earl nodded but said nothing more, suspecting that Clinton informants might still be in the crowd.

Democrats aren't the only ones feeling the shift in Iowa attitudes toward the political pestilence that won't leave the prairie. Giuliani recently complained while doing his Rodney Dangerfield act in Davenport: "I’m getting tortured running for president of the United States."* Rudy rolled his eyes and adjusted his tie, pausing to relish the laughter, before concluding: "That’s plain silly. That’s silly.”* The fallout was almost immediate as David Yawpson, Politics-As-Entertainment-Editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, wrote in his syndicated column, My Barbaric Yawp ©: "Mr. Giuliani is slowly learning that Iowans know silly. Iowans like silly. And we like it plain."

Other candidates less concerned about looking silly, immediately charged into the expanding silly gap. Senator Chris Dodd (rhymes with "God") unleashed a barrage of silly TV ads, produced by unemployed actors from Iowa's Rejection Slip Theater, (TM) in which fictitious Iowans politely note how great the senator's hair is despite the grueling demands of campaigning in a state where a haircut costs $15. **

The candidate who will probably benefit most from this "silly" shift in the run-up to the Iowa Caucus Night (whenever it is), could be Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), who has a long record of looking and sounding silly on the stump. In an uncharacteristic stance against silliness in politics, Kuspinich, speaking before a homeless audience in Ames, Iowa, allegedly said that once he solved all the problems facing the other candidates--war, poverty, insurance renewal forms--he'd reshape the entire public forum, "beginning," he was heard to say, "with those damn Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers (TM) ads on National Public Radio (NPR)! You know the ones, something about car owners needing a sympathetic ear...and engine shampoos!" The crowd leapt to its feet as though to leave, but, since the exit doors were locked, cheered Kuspinich on. "When elected, I promise to eliminate engine shampoos!"

This reporter missed the remainder of the stump speech, presumably drowned out by the madding crowd, although, in reality, I just couldn't hear Game 2 of the World Series and wanted to know how Mitt The Kid Glove Romney's team was doing against Tancredo's Colorado Rockettes. (TM)***

***

* actual quote taken completely out of context, and out of Davenport.

** Honest, he's really running ads about his hair. Great hair, to be certain, as BPNN has noted for months.

*** Romney 2, Tancredo 1

Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artiie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, © The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights remaindered, all bottles rinsed before recycling.

Mitt Sox Colorado

2007-10-25T05:59:00.000-07:00

Iowa Next?

Mitt The Kid Glove Romney, strode onto the field at Boston's Fenway Park last night before Game 1 of the 2007 World Series/Caucus to toss out the first unbeliever and simultaneously launch sidearm high heat at the Democrats (or Terrorists; that distinction has been muddied in this campaign): "Just look at what Osam, uh, Barack Obama, said just yesterday, Barack Obama, calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq."* The Fenway Park crowd of 47 million adoring fans of their former governor, instantly broke into song: "Come together, right now...over Mitt!"

Massachusetts Governor Romney then rose in a swirl of honey bees and was placed in the highest sky box to watch his Red Sox paste the devil-worshipping Colorado Rockies 130-1. Mitt barely suppressed a smirk as his youngest son, Dustin, led the Red Sox order with a homer off the rim of the center field Green Monster. Mitt's middle son, Josh, rallied the Romney boys' defense of their Dad's presidential run by pitching a nearly perfect game, allowing only one run when Hilly/Billy Clinton momentarily distracted him by skywriting above the stadium: "This ain't Iowa!" Two of Romney's other sons--Manny and Youk--made certain Dad's line drive for the White House remained on course with performances Boston hasn't seen since the Romney family led troops up nearby Bunker Hill in 1775.

Meanwhile, Colorado's manager, Tom Tancredo, could be seen rending his garments and weeping visibly in the Rockies' dugout as he sent his last reliever pitcher, 12-year-old Little Leaguer, Ronnie Paul from Greeley, CO, in to face the the Romney juggernaut. Paul is reported to be resting in stable condition.

After the game, a Mitt aide reportedly said to this BPNN reporter: "Major League Baseball teams just shouldn't be named for states, that's the point we made and the point that will spearhead this team to the White House..."** Tancredo meanwhile seemed to collapse when told that Game #2 would be fought against Romney's eldest son, Curt.

Elsewhere: In response to Romney's unprecedented march through Boston, rival candidate Rudy The G-Man Giuliani redoubled his efforts by reportedly telling a packed crowd of 37 at a newly opened IHOP*** in Elsewhere, Iowa that "Iowans have nothing....nothing to fear but should...so," he warned, "Stay very, very afraid."**** Sadly for Rudy, most Iowans aren't afraid and were home watching the series and quietly mourning the Cubs.

***

*actual quote. Tomato/potato, they're all good.

**unverified at press time...or any time for that matter.

***IHOP Iowa House of Politics, not affiliated with IHOP--International House of Parody.

****unverified but reasonable

Dateline: Boston, Artie Azzetti, sports editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network-Sports (BPNN-S), all rights returned.

Romney Leads Red Sox To Victory

2007-10-22T05:35:00.000-07:00

Not since Rudy The G-Man Giuliani led the '69 NY Mets to the World Series has a baseball club rallied behind a leader such as Mitt (as in baseball) Kid-Glove Romney. Or so was the impression the former Governor of Massachusetts, wearing BoSox red, seemed to convey during last night's Republican cage debate, during which Senator McCain responded by pulling off his face mask and knee guards to show fellow candidates what real leadership scars looked like, noting that he couldn't attend the '69 World Series (or '69 Woodstock for that matter* ) because, as the former Navy pilot and POW noted: "I was tied up at the time." **

Mitt lost no time responding that he, too, was otherwise committed in 1969, saving Parisians from perdition as a Mormon missionary and therefore unable to serve in either the US military or Major League Baseball. And without drawing breath--as though breathing through gills--Mitt said that his five sons--all of eligible baseball age--could have and would have played for the Red Sox, but chose, instead, to support their dad in his line drive for the White House. "Although," the former Massachusetts governor quickly reminded, "I'm not now pro-choice." To which Giuliani blew a loud raspberry and stage-whispered, "Been there, done that, got the wet T-shirt."

Mike Huckleberry (R-AR) desperately tried to remind the candidates that Ronald Reagan (D&R CA)--who'd played many a warrior, sports hero and a US president with convincing skill--had warned on his deathbed that Republicans should never attack Republicans. Whereupon, Giuliani shot a spit wad across the room at Huckleberry. It missed, ricocheted off Tancredo--known as the Green Card Monster of Politics--and caught former TV star Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson (R-NBC) square in the jowls. As moderator Chris Mathews waded into the GOP meltdown, Huckleberry pleaded to the camera for comity, quoting Martin Luther King: "Can't we all just get along?" McCain pulled down his catcher's mask, leaped atop his rostrum and howled: "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" ***

Luckily, for the GOP, no one was watching as the nation's TVs were set to witness Boston beat the beans out of Cleveland 11-2. Tancredo (R-CO), however, mumbled something about the National League champion Colorado Rockies being unbeatable. He then weighed into the fight hoping to collar an illegal immigrant among the candidates.

***

*Woodstock, for those who can't forget...or remember, will soon be re-immortalized thanks to a million-dollar taxpayer grant for a Woodstock Museum, compliments of HillyBilly Clinton (D-NY)

**Actual quote

Dateline: River City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, BPNN (Blog Party News Network) (TM), all rights returned.

Iowa Caucus Round Up the Usual Suspects

2007-10-21T06:22:00.000-07:00

What We Know So Far (in Cliffs Notes depth) of the Front Runners and Boot Lickers

Can't keep track of the presidential hopeful field of dreams? No problem. We can't either, and here in Iowa the truth is, we don't really pay much attention until Caucus night, and by then we vote for whatever candidate brings the best caramel rolls. But for political junkies outside the ethanol belt, here's how Iowans see the Red and Blue lightweight contenders:

Senator Brownbag (R-KS?): Out and not missed, because we weren't really sure which one he was. Kept confusing him with Governor Huckleberry. One's from Kansas and the other from Arkansas, although on mailings the abbreviation for Arkansas (AR) was often mistakenly printed as AK, which is Alaska, and there's just no way Iowans will vote for anyone from a state that a) is colder than Mason City and b) gets more federal subsidies.

Governor Huckleberry (R-AK?): We think he's the one who's not Tancredo. Big eyes, never appears in a bathing suit due to stretch marks but a mean-ass bass player. Promises to eliminate income taxes (which doesn't get him the CPA vote here) and wants all US citizens to due push-ups. Bottom line: Huckleberry is on the way out. Still, dynamite bass man. Shame.

Tancredo (R-CO): Not since Lyndon LaRouche have so many Iowans been so...what's the word...? Scared of a Johnny-one-note political cartoon. Note to Tancranko: We don't really care that much about immigration. Many Iowans come from immigrant stock, yah, you be bechya. Tancredo: never in, so Out.

Senator Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson (R-NBC): We love this guy. Not since Professor Harold Hill sang and danced his way into Marion the Librarian's bloomers, have Iowan's taken to a conman with such enthusiasm. But, as we like to say in River City, "He's got Trouble...with a capitol T that rhymes with P and stands for Polls, my friends. They lie. We lie. Iowans love to lie to the big-city pollsters who call us up during chore time askin' who we's gunna caucus fer. We lie. We'll keep Thompson alive just 'cause he's kinda funny to watch...like Ed Sullivan with a southern accent. In the end: Thompson is cancelled. We'll still watch him in reruns, though.

Obamalamadama (D-CHI): We dig this guy, want to hang out with him in smokey blues joints off downtown Des Moines. Not quite the bass man as Huckleberry, but smoooth with three ooo's. We're told he's black, and Iowan's are famously comfortable in our multi-cultural skins. Those who aren't, quietly note that he's also half-white. Either way, we like Obamalamadama...but don't expect too many to actually vote for him. Shame, he's probably the best of the lot.

Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY/AR/DC...): While Obamalamadama may only be half-black (or half-white, depending upon your Rorschach view) Hillary is all woman. We think. Frankly, she's scares some of us, so we'll probably vote for her in open caucus. Which means she'll win the Iowa Caucus, go on to scare the tar outa New Hampshire and South Carolina (but not Nevada) and win the nomination. Once we Iowans get into the secret voting booth, however, we'll vote for whatever plastic bobble head the Republicans offer.

Edwards (D-NC/IA): Johnny has been in Iowa so long he's become un-noticeable, except for those stupid blue jeans. No one in real Iowa wears jeans that fit like that. The average Iowan (male or female) has a 43 waistline. Off-the-Walmart-rack, you can only buy size 42 or 44. That means Iowa women look like summer sausage extruding from their undersized jeans while the male crowd flops around in Depression-era pants with plenty of comfort zone for emergencies. Here's the deal, though: Johnny Edwards' one theme is poverty. Hello, FDR? Iowans are raking in the federally subsidized ethanol dollars lately and don't care to be treated as Lil' Abner characters in the Edwards passion playground. 'sides, Freddie Boom-Boom does a better good-ole-boy drawl.

Dodd (D-CT/Fenway Park): Rhymes with "God." Great hair. Drinks beer. Served in the military. What's not to like? We'll find something and, like Biden, the other truly qualified candidate in this hog race, we'll dump him.

Bidentime (D-DE): Funny guy. Won't shut up, but funny. Smart, too. Won't shut up. Like Dodd, knows a lot about foreign policy, like, fer instance that the Iraq war thing didn't work out so well. Plan to undo that mess? Not invade Iraq again. Voter response: See Dodd.

Giuliani (R-NYC): Like Tancredo, Rudy The G-Man Giuliani is a one-hit wonder. Yeah, he was mayor of NYC when it was attacked...SIX YEARS AGO! Since then, he's gone through almost as many political and social conversions as Iowa's least favorite candidate...

Mitt The Kid Romney (R-UT, MA, MI): In purple trucks, weighing in at whatever weight gets him the most support for the bucks he's slathered on Iowa (a state that appreciates out-of-town subsidies). Mitt and Sons, LLC has all the charm to Iowans as someone trying to impersonate Prof. Harold Hill. Hey, Mitt, if you're gonna con, get a better song and dance. But, keep buying that air time for your Leaver It To Beaver TV ads. Iowa media like the revenue stream. Bottom line: we'd vote for Eddie Haskel or Lumpy Rutherford before Romney. And it's not just because of that whole Larry Craig thing, either. We found that rather amusing, because Iowans have long had our suspicions about Minnesota. I'm just saying...

Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY): Did I mention she really scares us? In a recent secret poll by David Yawpson, Politics as Entertainment Editor of the Des Moines Register/Picayune, 78% of Iowa males likely to caucus, said that Hillary reminded them of their junior high school vice-principal. That same poll showed that 89% of Iowa males likely to caucus, who'd attended Catholic school, said that Hillary reminded them of the "a mean nun who knows what naughty thoughts you harbor."

McCain: Tired, beat up, getting a little short-tempered... That's how Iowans' feel about McCain's constantly reemerging campaign. Although, we do like his Galaxy Quest motto: "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" Still, we admire the old warrior, and where we might view Hillary as the evil vice-principal, Mr. McCain is the principal who wants to catch us smoking by the dumpster. With respect, Senator: Time's up.

Kuspinich (D-OH!): Remember, America, we Iowans get to vote first, so if you don't buy our ethanol--and we mean in big boatloads--or send us a serious candidate we just might caucus Dennis Kuspinich onto your ballot.

***

*Margin of error +/- 100%. Yes, caucus is used as a verb.

FaceBlog: Iowa

2007-10-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

What a Long Strange Trippi It's Been

Remember this cool statement? “As far as the Internet, this is still the wagon trains coming across the prairie...Everyone is still a pioneer out there. Everything is learn by doing it.”* Joe Trippi--who rode herd on the Howard Dean Dream Scream Team to political Armageddon in the Iowa 2004 Caucus, and should not be confused with Joe Torre who is rumored to being considered as the new manager of the Rudy The G-Man Giuliani campaign 2008--predicted in April, 2007 that Iowans would embrace the promising technology of ox-drawn political metaphors, thus stampeding like so many dumb heifers in support of his man, Johnny I Wear Farmer Pants Edwards. What Trippi and many outsiders never grasp about Iowa is that the real 19th Century wagon trains may have moved on to the West Coast, but Iowa was settled by pioneers who, after crossing the Mississippi River and seeing all that prairie stretching to the horizon, looked around and said, "Screw it. This is far enough." They then held a Steak Fry (TM) and built a mighty tollgate to any future presidential hopefuls trying to cross the mid-continent bridge to the White House (TM) . **

Apparently, after some reflection, and the prospects of an old-fashioned Hawkeye butt-whoopin' come January, Trippi has conceded that: “Dude, it’s clearly true, you know, like, blogs and Web sites, and even some of the, like, cool stuff that our team is, you know, doing in like Iowa, has got less of an impact in Iowa.” ***

Well, Mr. Trippi, that ain't yellow matter custard dripping from this campaign dog's eye, it's, instead, Iowa ethanol-boosted pride that opposes forced high-tech impact on the low-tech state. Every candidate should memorize the Iowa state motto: "Ibbin nicht gotsum; nibbin nebus needsum" or: "If we don't got it, we don't need it."

***

** White House is a trademark property of Haliburton, used without permission.

Steaks Alive!

2007-09-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

Harkin Snake Fry

When the stakes are high with candidates begging to be grilled by pundits fired up by metaphor, the media return like swallows to Indianola, Iowa, home of the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) headquarters and (as Dave Barry says, "I'm not making this up") the Hot Air Museum.* Actually, it's a hot air balloon museum, but the allusion worked for Senator Tom Harkin's (D-IA) Snake Fry, a chance for party faithful to get drunk while roasting what might possibly be the next President of the United States plus a half-dozen future losers. During the quadrennial Kiss-the-Senator's-ring-and-win-a-caucus event, hungry candidates smile 'til their cheeks ache and promise "Change" 'til their noses reach the White House.

Senator Johnny John Edwards, esq. (D-N/SC) set the tone in his direct examination of the crowd by announcing that the '08 election was over, and that Democrats should quit bickering among themselves and kick the tar outta former President Hillary Clinton. Whereupon, Clinton, unrecognizable at first without her husband hovering overhead, said, in cross-examination how much she enjoyed being President and to show her gratitude, showered the 12,000 attending fans with cash, which they were forced to return upon FEC investigation immediately following the concert.

As the sun set over the subdivisions rapidly replacing farmland in this once bucolic Des Moines suburb, Senators Joey Bidentime (D-DE) and Bill Blain Richardson III (D-NM) drank beer and told long jokes that no one got. Barack Obama (D-Chicago) looked concerned but cool throughout his guitar solo, which went well, until during his finale he tried unsuccessfully to light his guitar on fire, at which point both the Indianola fire chief and Mrs. Obama demanded to know where he got the lighter and was he secretly smoking again. Obama deflected the queries with a universal health care plan and a call for troop withdrawal.

Closing act, Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), rhymes with 'God,' wowed the crowd with a reading from Adam Smith in Spanish while changing a diaper. The 3% of the audience remaining applauded with polite constraint in lieu of hope.

Notable by his absence was Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), an admitted vegetarian campaigning in a state renowned for its pork. Dennis, instead, participated in the competing Melon Fry held in Muscatine, Iowa, a town known for its Muscatine melons, tongue piercing salons and the Max Allen Collins Mystery Writer's Workshop, held every fall inside the refurbished Road To Perdition Amphitheater along the Mississippi River.

***

*There really is a hot air museum in Indianola, Iowa. For more go to: http://www.nationalballoonmuseum.com/

Dateline Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-at-home-for-once, The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), (c), all rights, rightfully acclaimed.

McCain Still Alive in Iowa...Again

2007-09-13T05:13:00.000-07:00

Climbing aboard is shiny new tour bus, The Straight Talk Expression, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) waved to his hastily assembled adoring crowd and shouted, "Never Give Up; Never Surrender!"

Okay, that's from the movie Galaxy Quest. McCain's new, beta-tested campaign slogan is simply: "Never Surrender,"* which was created by his newly-reformed campaign advisory team, apparently after viewing Galaxy Quest, when his previous Iowa Caucus campaign theme, "You Little Jerks," didn't catch fire in the Hawkeye state quite the way his California advisers expected it should. Other tested and rejected McCain movie slogans included: "You dirty rats," "You ain't seen nuthin'" and "Oh, you, you, you!"

Later, as the McCain Failure Is Not An Option party bus left town it passed the Iowa Caucus Momentum Depot where the HillyBilly Clinton campaign bus was stalled for unexpected and unexplainable repairs. Estimates run in excess of $850,000. Rumors of butt cheeks pressed to the McCain bus glass were not confirmed.

***

* True.
dateline: Waterhole, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all righteousness reserved.

Dodd o Richardson?

2007-09-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

Quien Es Mas Macho?*

The University of Miami audience, attending the latest in a series of countless presidential debates for Poli-Sci 101 credit, was treated to an impromptu duet by Senator Cristo Dodd (rhymes with "God") (D-CT) and Governor Bill Blaine Richardson III (D-NM) singing La Bamba in nearly flawless Spanish, while fellow candidates, Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!) looked on helplessly, and Senator Hilly/Billy (D-AR/NY/DC/Wherever) attempted to keep time by tapping her foot and pretending to know the words, until candidate Obamalamadama (D-Chicago) quietly leaned over telling her to give it up. And, oh, she gave him such a look every male in the audience recoiled and apologized to the nearest female.

With the musical portion of the pageant complete, and Cristo Dodd clearly ahead, the competition moved on to the "Foreign Political Figures" category. Inside reports tell us that President George Jr., was watching the pageant in the White House rec room and reportedly told Uncle Dick Cheney, "Oh, I'm good at these."

Moderator, Jimmy Smitts, then asked the candidates, "For 5 electoral points from the Dade County bloc, explain why Hugo Chavez is el Diablo..."

"Chavez!" George Jr. shouted at the wide screen TV, "I met him, didn't I...at OPEC? Don't tell me...Chavez...isn't he the farmer union guy? Hey, you smell sulfur?" Uncle Dick smiled and passed the president another Oreo.

Meanwhile in Miami, Senator Dodd was first on the button: "We shouldn’t be losing a public relations battle to Hugo Chavez!" **

"Correct!" Smitts replied and complimented the Senator from the unspellable New England state, home to the largest Native American casino reservation in the world. "And your pronunciation of the dictator's name, as well as your hair," Smitts continued...."Perfecto!"

The Miami crowd went nuts, and had the election been held that night, Florida would've have fallen into the Dodd camp. But as Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama were discussing off-camera, the election wasn't held that night.

***

Dateline: Miami, FL, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all rights shift left.

* "Quien Es Mas Macho," is copyright material of SNL, 1978, gleaned under Fair Use.
**Actual quote taken out of context for parody porpoises only, although in Spanish it sounds really cool.
PSA: To Save The Parody Porpoises, contact your representative.

God To Team With Richardson?

2007-09-08T05:24:00.000-07:00

Mike Huckleberry Miffed at Riff

The Sioux City audience was dispersing after HillyBilly and Obamalamadama had performed, when closing act, William Blaine "Bill" Richardson III (D-NM) took the stage. As whispers of "Who's that guy?" floated through the dwindling crowd, Richardson quietly announced, "The Lord has spoken..." Nothing, except monster trucks, gets a Sioux City crowd's attention faster than talking lords, so as one it turned in time to see the overcast skies part and a giant, silvery beam of pure light shone down on Richardson's third-tier body. He shimmered and seemed to expand by several percentage points (+/-3 margin of error) as he spread his arms and, verily, did sayeth: "Iowa, for good reason...for con-sti-tu-tional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."*

"And even as he spoke it was so," reported David Yawpson, senior politics-as-entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune in his weekly column, The Barbaric Yawp. "Richardson has surged. From here," Yawpson continued in his copyrighted story, gleaned here without permission, "he can only go forward. He has The Lord (TM)** on his side now, and the Republicans will wake up tomorrow wondering who'd lost their Lord."

Across town, Republican late entry, Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson, upon being told of The Lord's defection from the Republican Party immediately "aw-shucked" and with his campaign banjo on his knee told a story about how he once saved the world from nuclear holocaust. He then, paused, seemed to listen to a faraway voice, chuckled and said, "We’ve got to learn to skip and chew gum at the same time."*** Dozens of Young Republicans in the crowd cast aside their Romney signs and openly wept with joy, knowing The Lord (TM) was still in their midst.

***

* Actual quote.

*** Actual quote.

Dateline: SUX, Iowa Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rewrites rehearsed.

Thompson Launches Fall Season Presidential Bid

2007-09-06T06:09:00.000-07:00

Bartlett To Counter Freddie's Drive to the West Wing

Coming fast on the heels of last night's scheduled surprise announcement by Freddie Boom-Boom, Law and/or Order Thompson (Rep-NBC) to RNC Director, Jay Leno, that he would run for President this Fall, DNC Director, Conan O'Brien, hinted that his guest, tonight, former President Jeb Bartlett (Dem-NBC), will have an equally surprising announcement concerning rumors that he, Bartlett, may challenge the 22nd Amendment to his contract and run as an indie for president. Both TV candidates are scheduled to appear in Iowa before large audiences of digitally enhanced farmers. Stockard Channing was not available for comment and is rummored to have turned down the offer to continue in her role as the Bartlett First Lady, preferring, instead, to revive her role as Rizzo in Grease, saying, "I'm still cute and still got the legs." The viewing nation has yet to see if Thompson has any legs.

***

dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, (c) The Blog Party News

Republican Quits Iowa Caucus

2007-08-28T05:39:00.000-07:00

Standing atop a leftover prop hay bale shipped to the Crawford Ranch from the 2007 Iowa State Fair (concluded August 19), Republican presidential hopeful, Alberto R. Gonzales of Texas, declared No Mas: “I have lived the American dream.”* And, indeed, he had. Along with lifetime political partner, Karl Rove, Gonzales had risen from an obscure Texas political crony to become the first Hispanic Cabinet leader to be forced to spend more time with his family. Rove, who has reportedly denied ever being Hispanic himself--although, a Senate Investigative Committee led by Larry E. Craig, Republican of Idaho, was rumored to be looking into the matter--was forced earlier this month to also spend more time with his family, part of the Republican Party's desire to get out in front of, as an Iowa Caucus spokesperson for the Blog Party News said, "this family values thing before the Democrat Party steals that, too." When reached for a statement at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport, Senator Craig, wouldn't elaborate, indicating he needed to use the restroom. This reporter speculates that Craig, sensing opportunity, will head across the border into Iowa to fill the void left by Gonzales and announce his own run for president atop yet another hay bale.

In a now familiar sign of political death, White House support for Gonzales remained strong until the end. "They made a good team, Roberto y Karlo," declared Gonzales' one remaining friend, Jorge Bush, Jr., from his ranch where he was showing reporters and his Dad how he'd learned to do handstands on the handlebars without Uncle Dick holding the bike steady. "Alberto is a good man...heh...a good man..." Then Bush smirked and just had to add, "But I bet he can't do this!" Bush then executed one of his dazzling dismounts from an uncomfortable stance to the applause of White House a press corps that suddenly forgot all about the former Hispanic person who would never become Iowa's choice for President of the United States.

Jorge Bush, Jr. raced off on a standby bicycle as Uncle Dick quietly smiled before turning his curious gaze toward Jorge's mother, Barbara, who stood on the hacienda's balcony looking wistfully toward the horizon, as though recalling long summer evenings from a bygone era about which no one speaks. Mournful strands from Jorge Sr.'s acoustic guitar could be heard below, competing with a distant coyote and Jorge, Jr.'s peels of happy summertime fun.

****

* actual quote

dateline: Crawford, Tejas, Arturo Azzetti, editor-con-queso, el Blogo Partina Nuevos (c)

Edwards Takes On Robber Barons

2007-08-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

Bully!

Trailing Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama in Iowa polls, former North Carolina Senator/Attorney and Born Again Po' Boy, Johnny Edwards swapped his workingman overalls for a fresh San Juan Hill look as he waved his stump sword at the unseen enemies of 21st Century Iowans: Robber Barons.

“I’ve been fighting these people all my entire life,”* Po' Boy Attorney Edwards declared in a wide gap-toothed grin beneath his pith helmet. A chorus of Iowa townsfolk backed up his every stanza:
“I fought them in the courtroom..."*
Chorus: (soft) Fought-fought-fought...
"And I’ve beat them and beat them."*
Chorus: (louder) Beat-beat-beat...
"We’ve got to stop being mealy-mouthed and careful."* And Edwards thrust a finger skyward while tucking his other hand inside his safari jacket.
Chorus: Got to Stop! Right Here! Because we've got Trouble...
Yes, this reporter noted, we've got trouble.
"We’ve got to get rid of the robber barons. We need to have some Guts.”*
That's Guts with a capitol G that rhymes with T and stands for whatever it takes to get noticed in the Hawkeye Caucus Circus.

And the townsfolk sang and danced around their candidate before he continued with arms akimbo and fire flashing from behind his steely pince-nez:
“It makes me angry,"* Edwards declared.
"I feeeel out-rage."*
Chorus: Out-rage!
"I won’t let them get away with it.” *
Underwhelmed, the Iowa townsfolk lifted Captain Edwards high above their shoulders and swept him--if not into the Oval Office--at least on the path to victory as they all sang "Hooray For Captain Edwards" to the tune of Hooray For Captain Spaulding.

***

dateline River City, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the lam, The Blog Party News, all rights rehearsed.
* True quotes, emphasis added

Mitt Punch-Drunk In Straw Poll Slam Dunk

2007-08-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

"Golly," Tough-Talking Mitt Declares In Victory

In a stunning affirmation of the power of persistent campaigning with an unlimited war chest and a hand-picked electorate, former Massachusetts Governor and french missionary, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney declared himself the Strawman at the Republican-only, $35-per-vote Straw Poll (TM) held Saturday in Ames, Iowa in opposition to the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) in Des Moines. Unlike the Strawman Poll, the State Fair is open to all regardless of political affiliation and admission is considerably less than $35.

Mitt, dazed with his own brilliance to rally almost one-third (32%) of the Iowa Republicans bussed at his expense to the Straw Poll to vote for him, barely contained his enthusiasm when he shouted: “I’m pleased as punch that I won.”* Had he not mentioned "that I won," straw poll watchers across the country, no doubt, would've wondered what so pleased the candidate to motivate him to compare himself to a watery fruit drink. So, we polled our readers asking: "Is Mitt 'The Kid' Romney as electable as a bowl of punch now that he's swept the Iowa Straw Poll?"
Answers:
"Mitt Who?" Ed Frangazzi, Hackensack, NJ
"What's a straw poll?" Jeanne Metcalf, Santa Cruz, CA
"Romney...is he the guy from Maine?" G.W. Bush, Wash., DC
"I'd vote for the punch. Unless, it's lime punch. I hate lime punch...still, I'd consider voting for the lime punch instead of Romney." Jarrell Mantooth, Detroit, MI
"Why should Idaho get all the credit?" Gloria Vasquez, Borger, TX
"Sheeiit..." Sgt. Al Sanchez, Baghdad
"Straw poll? was that this weekend?" Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani
"Sheeiit..." John McCain, Marlow New Hampshire
"Put a little Jack Daniels in that punch and you mighta got yourself somethin'" Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson, Sour Mash, TN

Romney shrugged off suggestions that winning the Iowa Straw Poll was like winning the T-Ball World Series. And, in what this reporter interpreted as a veiled threat to voters who might have a change of heart before the Caucus, Mitt said: "We know where the people are who showed up. We know how to get them. We know how to bring them again.” **

Second-place Strawman, Mikey Huckleberry, (R-AR) seemed unimpressed with Mitt's 32-percent sweep, commenting that his 18% polling shows he's a real player. Sam Brownbag's (R-KS) surprisingly strong third-place finish (15%) prompted rumors of Sam and Huck forming a joint ticket or build a raft to float down the Mississippi. This was reinforced as they strode on stage, where Huckleberry picked up his trademark bass guitar and after wind-milling the opening riff to The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction," Brownbag shouted into the microphone, as the sky opened up in a cloud burst of near-Biblical irony: "It's a free election, man..."

Concern immediately spread that Mitt's "punch" had been spiked and, maybe, wasn't punch at all but, instead--Koolaid (TM) .

***

* Gee willickers, but that's a real Romney quote.
** Another real dang-tooten' Romney quote.

Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights wronged.

South Caroline and Iowa Secede?

2007-08-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

Politoco Map Redrawn

Athwart the Fort Des Moines parapets, Governor Che 'Mr. T' Culvert, arms akimbo, announced Iowa's plans to leave the Union Primary System in response to the sovereign state of South Carolina's threat to form a "more perfect primary."

"A line has been crossed in the sands of time," South Carolina's Secretary of State For Elected Metaphors reportedly said, earlier, when informed that the Yankee state of New Hampshire had moved its capital to Boston and its primary date to January 2, 2005, a full three years before it was originally scheduled. Immediately, South Carolina ordered its political primary troops on full alert. Commodore Johnny Edwards, of neighboring North Carolina, phoned in his qualified support for the uprising from aboard his yacht-turned-frigate anchored near Charleston Bay, within view of Fort Sumter. "This injustice will not stand," the one-time, one-term, one-song attorney-turned-senator shouted from a pitching deck, having swapped his copyrighted Iowa workpersons' overalls for a support-the-troops sailor's suit (TM) complete with gold-braided epaulets, sash and a sword, which an aide showed the tiny admiral how to wield, since Edwards had no military background. *

Rebellion spread as news reporters leaked. By mid-afternoon Florida had announced that not only would it advance its primary date to January 1, 2004 in an effort to block "any northern aggression" but the governor ordered all Early Bird Specials moved to before noon. In response, Arizona moved Mexico a mile further from its border, New Mexico threatened to launch an unmanned space probe into California's primary slot, and swinging state Nevada posted five-to-one odds that the 2008 election would be held before the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago.

Throughout all this, President George W. Bush vacationed with Mum and Daddy in Kennebunkbed, Maine where he'd invited newly-elected-and-soon-to-be-impeached French President Bluubluubluu Sarkoozee--or some such unpronounceable name, for a sleepover. Through spokesman, Michael Moore, George Jr. said, "I've been to Iowa. It's a fine state of affairs." And since, the media love everything Mr. Moore says, it was accepted as truth. Upon seeing Michael Moore's hastily-produced docu-comedy on the new primary schedule, Electo, Iowa Governor Che 'Mr. T' Culvert, declared the first in the nation caucus over. “In this state," Culvert noted, "we’re going to still have Christmas.”**

And Mr. T was as good as his word. Tiny Edwards went on to sue South Carolina, and Mitt 'The Kid' Romney announced from a manger in Salt Lake City that he had already won the 2008 election, "Won it in 1968, when I was in France...with the Army."

And to all a good fight.

***

dateline: Des Moines, on a snowy August night. I'm Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights reserved and confidence refunded.

*Chris Dodd--rhymes with "God" and is the only Dem presidential candidate with any military experience

**actual quote, lifted out of context from the real Iowa governor, Chet Culver

Romney Struts His Military Prowess

2007-08-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

In the final days along the Iowa campaign trail leading to Saturday's Republican Strawman Poll (TM), Mitt 'The Kid' Romney, NRA member-for-life-since-last-year, waved the yellow ribbon in support of US troops by touting his family's military service record: "My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers and they've chosen not to serve in the military and active duty and I respect their decision in that regard."*

The Kid then went on to explain to a polite but unimpressed Bettendorf, Iowa audience how those sons of Mitt's serve the troops without the inconvenience of actually serving with the troops: "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president." *

Mitt, in his quest for greatness by becoming the new Commander Guy-In-Chief, has made it clear on several occasions that, as a draft-eligible young man, he'd chosen not to exercise his option to serve when eligible during the Vietnam War, preferering, instead, to take the Clintonian path of least draft exposure in Europe. Some analysts say that this pro-choice stance may come back to haunt, although, it's assumed that if pressed, The Kid -- and now The Kid's Kids -- will have a new stance, nullifying any previous stances. Because, dang, gotta admit, they do look presidential.

Former POW, Senator McCain (R-AZ), whose son is currently serving in the Marines, was not reached for comment. The Blog Party News would support and gladly referee a debate between the Romney Boys and Marine McCain. We suggest it be held in the Veterans Auditorium in Des Moines on November 11. Only veterans and their families would be invited to attend.

***

* Sadly, an actual quote

Blog Party Family Value Statement: The Blog Party News does not wish to drag innocent political family members into the arena. However, once a politician's relative steps on stage--all's fair.

--the publisher

Republicans Defy Iowa Sunday Norms

2007-08-06T05:15:00.001-07:00

TeleTubby (TM) (TT) candidate and self-inherited millionaire, liberal/conservative, pro/con Mitt 'The Kid' Romney came out swinging at the Republican's Sunday Bunch 4 Brunch Debatable Notions Meet held in Des Moines while most Iowans were asleep, hungover or in church: "I get tired of people,"* the Michigan/Massachusetts politician and lifetime-for-almost-a-year NRA member said when provoked by his arch nemesis, Senator Sam Brownbag, who appeared to hover along with Governor Mike Huckleberry above the other candidates on a silvery cloud while a choir of nongendered angels clouded voters' minds.

The Kid clarified which people tired him, saying (after consulting instant poll response to the first part of his statement) that he was tired of people "...that are holier than thou..."* At this point it was unclear to this reporter if Romney meant Brownbag or the breakfast club moderator, ABC-TV's tossle-haired Georgio Stepenonalotofus. Romney then admitted that the holier thous had been "...pro-life longer than I have." *

Meanwhile, as the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment editor, David Yawpsum noted in his Monday morning column, Barbaric Yawp: "...among the hundreds of Republican candidates appearing on stage Sunday morning, many, if not most, appeared ready to attend church services should their handlers advise such a move."

Questions remained fairly tame throughout the morning as various candidates yawned, read the funnies and Senator McCain slipped off stage to refill his coffee mug at nearby Java Joe's (TM), timing his absence to avoid the sticky question: "Who among you still supports the Iraq War and President Bushcheney?" After a long pause, during which candidates appeared to be struck deaf, Yawpsum directed the question at Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani who smiled, pointed to an imaginary offstage wife and shrugged, bringing much needed laughter relief from the dozen or so audience members. Representative Tom Tancankerous of Colorado blew a raspberry, and when asked to elaborate muttered something about bombing the s&%^ outta countries full of illegal foreigners he found offensive.

With that the event was brought to a close. The Ladies Aid Society served coffee and caramel rolls in the basement rec room, after which all candidates--except Giuliani and McCain--raced to Ames for Saturday's Strawman Poll (TM) where Mitt places all his hopes on winning the bathing suit contest portion of the pageant. Recent polls, however, show Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law and/or Order' Thompson holding a substantial lead by not declaring his candidacy. When reached for comment, Boom-Boom's non-campaign manager said, "We declare too soon, we lose the initiative, so Senator Boom-Boom has no plans to announce until after he's elected." Upon hearing that, Senator Mickey McCain immediately announced from his campaign minivan, on its way to Keene, New Hampshire, that he wasn't running either, whereupon, Governor Romney shouted to reporters over the whine of his Learjet's engines: "I wasn't running before any of them weren't running...and I wasn't running in Iowa first!"

***

* Actual quote dissected out of context.
dateline Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, The Blog News, editor-on-the-lam

Muck Flies in Iowa Caucus Ring Quest

2007-07-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

Candidates Race To Iowa's Bottom

In the final weeks leading up to the Democratic Iowa State Fair (TM), TT multi-candidate Hilly/Billy (version 0.8 (TM) D-NY/AR) was struck by a witless cow pie from second-rated TT candidate Obamalamadama on the Caucus-Rukus Trail. “I don’t want Bush-Cheney lite,”* Obamalamadama quipped about Hilly/Billy before a multitude at the Davenport Municipal Airport where he'd stopped briefly for the Quad Cities Quadrennial Quaker Qampaign Qualifier, considered a must-attend for any serious Iowa Caucus hopeful.

Obamalamadama's poll-tested, off-the-cuff reference to the state's official beverage--Lite beer--met with unexpected mixed results from the polite, but suddenly discomfited, crowd, which had stood for hours staring open-mouthed into a leaden sky awaiting the candidate's campaign Learjet to arrive.

"Normally, my man owns the crowd," Obamalamadama's campaign coolness analyzer, Bernie Emmelman, noted as his man floundered in the corporate jet's entrance way. "Obamalamadama is all about delivery, style; I hate to see him stumble like this," he added as he shoved a hastily scribbled note to the candidate, now desperate to change course. Obamalamadama read the note, smiled inwardly and announced: “I want a fundamental change.”** The crowd went wild, placated by the implied reference to Bush/Cheney, Iraq, Irabia, FEMA, Alberto Gonzales, Wolfowitz, Britney Spears and the Chicago Cubs. Obamalanadama also appeared to be reaching out to religious fundamentalists by embracing "fundamental change."

The religious euphoria was almost dampened by an unscripted question shouted from the crowd by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's politics-as-entertainment editor, David Yupson: "Is it true you smoke?"

"Oh, s*&^!" Emmelman uttered as he pulled the pin on a smoke grenade, rolled it onto the tarmac, and the candidate, his latest ideas and the luxury Learjet departed, leaving the adoring crowd staring, once again, at the dark sky wondering when--perhaps if--the Democratic saviour would reappear with a new message of hope.

TT candidate Hilly/Billy upon sensing the presence of unauthorized hope, rotated its all-seeing eye atop its dark campaign tower to find out who carried the ring of hope. "Hope," the dark and grating voice from Tower Hilly/Billy warned, "Is our message!" Lightning bolts punctuated the barely veiled threats across the Iowa shires where hairy-toed Caucus goers stopped for second breakfast, unafraid of the dark forces sweeping their state.

Meanwhile, at the site of the impending, and much ignored, Iowa Republican Strawman Poll (TM) to be held Aug 11--in competition with the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) --TT candidate Golum Huckleberry (R-AR) could be heard growling beside a shallow gene pool, "It's mine. Hope is a all mine, my precious, Hope...and fundamentalism--all mine...mine...."

***

dateline: Davenport, Iowa Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights revered.

* Actual quote: See NY Times July 27, 2007
** Actual quote: ibid

Giuliani Gloats, Edwards Glows

2007-07-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

Appearing at an unscheduled grand opening of the newest IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics (TM)) franchise in Sioux City, Iowa, TT candidate Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani, responded in RAP to accusations by RAP competitor, Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson that he'll "whoop The G-Man into G-Whiz" in the Iowa Republican Strawman Poll (TM) to be held August 11 during the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM).

Rapped the 'G-Man' in an impromptu composition he called "I Try Not To" © :
"I try not to, (but)
"I can’t con-trol
"What Thompson does
"And I can’t con-trol
"What Romney does
"And I can’t con-trol
"What John McCain does.”
The G-Man then danced backwards onstage, shifted his baseball cap (NY Yankees) and swung the gold chains around his next before rapping up:
“Maybe I can
"Re-act to
"Ul-ti-ma-te-ly
"What they do?
"But I try and think (pointing to his head)
"A-bout what’s
"Our stra-te-gy
"And our stra-te-gy
"Is to try and have
"A pro-por-tion-ate
"Effort in these states
"To try
"As best we can
"To put ourselves
"In a good position
"In the big states
"And then..."
Rudy spun around, vamped, and pointing his finger at the camera, concluded:
"Try and win
"As many of
"The small-er states
"As pos-si-ble." *

It was unclear if Giuliani thought Iowa was a small state given its geographic size.

Meanwhile, appearing on a poverty stage in West Virginia, TT candidate, Johnny 'The Hairman' Edwards (D-Attorney), wrapped up his Richman/Poorman '07 Tour (TM) with his new campaign song, "Everybody Else,"© to the tune of Paul Anka's (for Frank Sinatra) "My Way" © :

"This cause,

"This march we’re on,

"Is not just about--

"The po-or.”

Edwards paused to indicate the audience and flash his boyish, good-looks grin while untangling his running shoes from the mic cord, and, as the crowd begged for relief, he continued in a different key, because Insta-polling (TM) indicated a need for change:

"Everybody’s at risk.

"Everybody’s vulnerable.”

The band music swelled as Edwards wound up for the big finale:

"Two Americas:

"Are the very rich..."

And after thumping his own chest and shedding a digitally-enhanced tear visible on the large screen behind him, Edwards humbly spread his arms and concluded:

"And ev-er-y-bo-dy...else!” **

Amid fireworks, he then climbed aboard a campaign bus after unfurling a banner that read: Idaho Or Bus!

*****

*Actual candidate quotes: See NY Times July, 19, 2007

** Actual candidate quotes: (ibid)

IHOP To Purchase McCain Campaign?

2007-07-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

Iowa House Of Politics Said To Offer 4% Premium, Plus 15% Tip

Struggling to meet campaign payroll and remain the designated maverick Turk Republican front runner, Senator 'Mickey' McCain of Arizona faced the inevitable and is reported to have "taken a lunch" with representatives of the influential political latte chain, Iowa House Of Politics (TM) .

At the West Des Moines Denny's, after Waldorf salads and Pattymelts, it can only be imagined that McCain was in no position to "pick up the check" and had to beg for IHOP to intercede.

Transcripts from the meeting, secured by Blog Party News insiders and not verified for fear of what the truth might do to an otherwise good story, paint a picture of candidate with product to move but in need of cash. IHOP founder and patriarch, Vito "Don" Carlson, is reported to have listened politely, offered to refill McCain's water glass and then after brushing a few croutons from the begging candidate's knee whispered, "I'm afraid my answer is no." Don Carlson went on to explain that he had no problem with McCain's business, "How a man makes a living is not up to me." But, Don Carlson explained, "What you do (politics) is a little..." He wanted to say "dangerous" but the sundaes had arrived and Vito Carlson signaled that the meeting was over. The McCain campaign would have to find a way to survive without IHOP's support.

It was noted that Vito Carlson's eldest son, Sonny, seemed to be hot for the deal, but was rudely shushed by his father.

***

The Iowa House Of Politics is a political parody franchise licensed by the Iowa House Of Parody and not associated with the other IHOP, International House Of Pancakes, which is a really swell restaurant chain.

Dateline, Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News.

Mr. Huckleberry Goes To Washington

2007-07-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

"Maybe he's just a little crazy," the line from Miracle on 34th Street pops into some Iowa minds when first encountering Arkansas's newest hope, Mikey Huckleberry (picture on far right), Governor of the Clinton state and active candidate for the Iowa Strawman Poll to be held in Ames on some miserably hot and humid day with no one in attendance.

Not much is known about Governor Huck because without a map, we're not sure where Arkansas is; we keep confusing it with Louisiana, which may explain why Gov Huck emphasises "education" in his Iowa stump speeches. And it should be noted that the candidate's opinions don't seem to be evolving in any sense of the word.

Mr. Huckleberry pins his Iowa Caucus hopes on one item: Taxes. His plan to create a "Fair Tax" so far has fallen on unreceptive audiences as the Iowa Strawman Poll is scheduled to be held during the Iowa State Fair, and candidates plying Iowa political waters should know that, as politics-as-entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, David Yupson, warns: "You don't mess with taxes in the ethanol state, and Governor Huckleberry's plan to institute a tax on the State Fair (the so-called "Fair Tax") is just unworkable in Iowa. It's dead on arrival, like a deep-fried porkchop-on-a-stick."

Deep-fried Porkchop-on-a-stick (TM) is a trademarked item sold at the Iowa State Fair, and no candidate can be expected to win the Strawman Poll, let alone the Iowa Caucus without consuming at least seven Deep-Fried-Porkchop(s)-on-a-stick (TM) . The record is 17 set in 1992 by then candidate Bill Clinton; this after winning the Fastest Deep-Fried-Twinkies Eating Contest. Clinton later vomited on the SkyGlider and was elected president defeating then President George Bush, the Elder.

Mike Huckleberry, 51, Candidate Bio:

The self-admitted bass player and former preacher's biggest achievement to date was having the foresight to be born in the same trailer court in Hope, Arkansas as Hillary Clinton. Rumors that they might've been separated at birth could not be confirmed without research.

Military background: None that shows.

Major Belly Flops: Huckleberry's biggest failure to this point was to lose an election to a guy named "Bumpers." *

Conclusion:

Bubba, Bumpers, and now Hilly/Billy and Huckleberry? It makes writing editorials so, so easy. No content, just say the names: Bubba, Bumpers, Hilly/Billy or Huckleberry...repeat...vote.

***

* Dale Bumpers

McCain Campaign Seeks New Vision

2007-07-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

Campaign Stalls In Search For Aide's Glasses...

In what can only be described as "a slow news day on the Iowa campaign side roads," The Blog Party News © has learned that former front-runner and winner of the Adlai E. Stevenson Perennial Candidate Award, Senator 'Mickey' McCain (R-AZ), admits that is aide, Mark Salter, has lost his glasses (pictured at right searching for clues before FBI arrived*).

"This won't stop us," an unidentified POS for the McCain campaign told us outside McCain's Des Moines YMCA campaign headquarters, where she was having a smoke while rummaging through a trash barrel for deposit bottles. "You wouldn't believe what people toss out. Look at this--there's a nickle deposit here that could go toward victory!" She continued rummaging and ignored our follow-up questions about the campaign's alleged financial difficulties.

"We had false assumptions about how much money could be raised," Salter, injected from a nearby dumpster where he'd been searching for the missing glasses and discovered several inkjet cartridges that could easily be refilled. “It’s not fair to pin it on anybody (meaning him). We all had this expectation that money was going to be very easy for us to raise."** He seemed to ponder whether, if victorious in '08, running the US government, and its Iraq War, might not prove to be "very easy."

Rumors abound that the McCain campaign is down to its last $2 million and may have to stoop to accepting federal taxpayers' contributions. "Hey," a recently laid-off campaign worker informed us, "If we could find the damn glasses we wouldn't need to resort to this sorta nonsense!" He then spotted a juice carton, plucked it from the gutter and called to Salter: "Top Aide Salter, sir, are these good for anything?" The comment was quickly picked up by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's entertainment-in-politics editor, David Yupson, who reported in his column that "Mickey's campaign staff would be advised to do its homework and read the Iowa Study Group Report © by Jimmy Baker. Iowa has a strong bottle deposit law, but that law does not apply to juice cartons. It's nuances like this that can cost a candidate more than a nickel in the Ethanol State caucus."

When contacted in the Senate cloakroom for comment on reports that Salter's glasses were "Lost," Senator McCain told a NY Times reporter, whose notes were observed by this reporter, hiding behind a cloak: "No, no, no, no," McCain said. "I’d describe the campaign (to find Salter's glasses) as going well. I’m very happy with it."** McCain then excused himself to slip deeper into the cloaks to make a cellphone call, pausing briefly to shout to an unpaid aide, "Do I have to push SEND on this stupid thing...?"

Fellow TT candidate Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani's campaign immediately issued a statement saying they knew where all of their glasses were. They just weren't sure where Iowa was.

TT candidate Huckleberry (R-AR) released a statement on stone tablets saying that he didn't believe in glasses, because "Scripture makes no mention of spectacles..." But, Huckleberry added to mollify educated voters, "I'm not necessarily opposed to those who might live a lifestyle that includes alternative vision devices. I just don't believe that the taxpayers--and I intend to eliminate all taxes, when elected--should be forced to pay for this unholy vision thing. God knows I'm right." He then was lifted into the sky on a silvery cloud, only to reappear later in Keene, New Hampshire disguised as a moderate.

****

Obama bid Biden?

2007-07-07T07:01:00.000-07:00

Connect The Dots...

Warming up a packed audience of 70 for the opening of the newest IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics (TM)) in Iowa City, TT candidate, Joey Bidentime (D-DE), held the crowd for nearly two hours before FEC hostage negotiators arrived with a large matching-funds check, and the candidate agreed to stop talking provided fellow candidate, Obamalamadama, would coach him on the art of getting to the point. The Obamalamadama camp is reported to have issued a terse reply to our request for a meeting between the two TT candidates, saying, "Biden who?" and bid him good luck in his campaign. The Obamalamadama POS (Person Of Spokes) then bid us a "good day," after asking how we got their number. Knowing we were dealing with attorneys, our staff researcher claimed First Amendment immunity, pretended to speak only Spanish and quickly hung up.

Meanwhile, as the crowd swelled to 30 or so, including 23 reporters attracted by IHOP's open bar, Bidentime fielded a question from Des Moines Register-Picayune politics-in-entertainment editor, David Yupson: "What, if anything, is your strategy for getting elected president or, failing that, at least for getting your campaign troops out of Iowa?"

Bidentime appeared to be caught off guard and paused before admitting: “I must admit to you that I’ve thought more about what I would do as president than how to get elected as president.”* You could hear the italics in his voice.
Yupson followed up with: "Will you ever shut up?"
Bidentime, confused, shifted to the third person as he seemed to escape, ghostlike, from his own candidacy: “Yes, that’s the thing Biden has to get over. I’m conscious of it. I don’t always meet it, but I’m working on it.” *
The ghost then warned Iowans that they would be visited by three more Bidentime images, each more mercurial than the previous, but, by then, the crowd had dispersed because the bar had closed.

****

Dateline: Iowa City, Idaho, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News ©, all rights researched.

* Actual quotes. See NY Times Saturday, July 7, 2007
IHOP--Iowa House Of Politics (TM) -- is a trademark protected parody not associated with the International House of Pancakes, which in our editorial, First Amendment opinion, is about the silliest name possible for an eatery. --the editor

Where's Edwards in Iowa?

2007-07-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

Rumors that third-tier Telebubby (TM) candidate, Johnny 'Eddy' Edwards (Attorney-NC), may have dropped out of the Iowa Caucus and Tractor Pull (TM) flashed through the political press corps' House of Blues Des Moines headquarters, prompting newly hired Edwards operatives, Paul Blank and Chris Kofinis, to corner this reporter in an undisclosed, underground parking garage--complete with low-key lighting and ominous, foreshadowing, background music--where they offered this cryptic, off-the-record warning: "Wake up, Wal-Mart!"

Blank and Kofinis, who will eclipse Eddy's campaign manager, David Bonior, are little known but central figures in the shadowy, pro-labor, anti-Wal-Mart campaign, Wake up, Wal-Mart (TM)* , and therefore have the bona fides to wake up Edwards' flagging Iowa campaign. Plus, as Kofinis might've confided, "We're not afraid to use excessive adjective build-up." Blank stared in what could only be considered tacit agreement.

When asked to comment on his lackluster cash/vote numbers at Senator Tom Harkin's (D-IA) quadrennial Fishfry and Corn Pone Suckup (TM) event in Shinola, Iowa, Edwards, speaking through an interpreter, answered: "Ma daddy was a mill worker, his daddy afore him worked in da mills, and when Ah's elected president, Ah promise that all Iowinians will fullfill mah dream to become mill workers, too, or Ah sue der asses." He then smiled and pulled a can of Dapper Dan (TM)** hair grease from his freshly laundered Oshkosh (TM) bib overalls to slick back his famous coif, which, as Blank noted, is also (TMed) , along with his campaign accent, which no one from either Carolina can place.

Elsewhere on the Iowa campaign cow trail, Senator Paul Simon (D-Graceland) appeared on stage Wednesday evening with Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) at the Shinola Odd Fellows Hall (TM) for an impromptu AARP-endorsed concert featuring Simon with his trademark National Guitar (TM). Dodd, whose name rhymes with "God" (and, therefore, endorsed by the Christians for Church-in-State (Mathew: 501-c-3)), soothed the over-50-something crowd on lead vocals. Art Garfunkel, vacationing at the Santa Barbara Zen Skin and Chi Rehab Center (TM), appeared via satellite on a large screen singing harmony and looking even older than his former singing partner, Paul Simon. When the trio launched into Bridge Over Troubled Waters ©, a subliminal Flomax (TM) ad scrolled beneath Garfunkel's face and caused long lines to appear at the portable toilets. Police were called in when Simon yelled, "It's free concert, man!" He, then, set his guitar on fire, which is in violation of Iowa fire codes.

****

Dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, The Blog Party News ©, editor-on-the-lam.
* No kidding, there really is a campaign called Wake up, Wal-Mart associated with Kofinis and Blank. We can't make this stuff up. --the editor.
For details see: The Atlantic Online (blog), by Marc Ambinder.
**Dapper Dan (TM) Coen Bros, Ltd, Whereartthou, AL, all rights reversed.
"Bridge Over Troubled Waters," © Simon and/or Garfunkle, ASCAP, BMI, BMW

Dems Swap Roles and Rolls With Reps

2007-07-04T05:12:00.000-07:00

Coming on the heels of blockbuster second-quarter campaign contribution reports by major TeleTubby (TM) Democratic candidates, Obamalamadama and Hilly/Billy Clinton, Republican candidates Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani and his arch nemesis, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney were too embarrassed to show their faces in the bigger Iowa cities (those with populations over 500) after announcing less-than-Republicanly financial reports.

"It's like I gotta pay my own way," Mitt 'The Kid' grumbled as he wrote yet another personal check for $6.5 billion to his campaign coffer during a break in taping his latest campaign add in which he poses with a butter cow on a TV set made to look almost like the Iowa State Fairgrounds. "You people think I'm Bloomberg or something?" No one, that we contacted in Iowa, confused 'The Kid' with anyone else, except possibly Tony Dow, who was unavailable for comment, because we didn't contact him, and, we should note in all journalistic fairness, is never seen in the same room with Mitt 'The Kid' Romney. We're just saying...

Meanwhile, Senator 'Mickey' McCain, who appeared at a bake sale and July 4th party held on his behalf, and at his expense, at the Oskaloosa American Legion Hall in Oskaloosa, Iowa, appeared to be unperturbed by his own sagging chin and campaign earnings, but would not speak to us. Instead, his senior advisor, Charles Black, agreed to an interview if we purchased a blueberry muffin. We made the deal, and Black commented while absently brushing flies from a batch of caramel buns: “The general mood is bad throughout the party.” *
A quick look around the nearly empty hall confirmed that. Black continued: “There are some donors that are used to giving money all the time, and there are a whole bunch of people who are more casual donors who need to be fired up. The Democrats on the other hand are totally fired up, intensely fired...” *
Dude, like, a whole bunch of us totally agreed, this party sucked, so we left our blueberry muffin on the card table and drove away just as the band, 20/20 Hindsight ** of Mason City was arriving to set up for a NASCAR-themed wedding. Earlier, McCain had intensely fired half of his campaign staff.

Elsewhere, not in Iowa, the unannounced first tier Republican-like candidates, Michael 'I Took Manhattan' Bloomberg and Fred 'No Relation to Tommy' Thompson are both reported to have enough money on hand to buy the Democrat or Republic parties, maybe both. Rumors of Fred's first wife, Emma, donating half of her Harry Potter © film royalties to Fred's Law And/Or Order © campaign have not been verified.

Minor Republican TeleTubby (TM) candidates, Brokeback and Huckleberry have yet to report their campaign totals, which are expected to be totally, like, you know so Democrat. Totally.

****

* Actual quotes. For complete text see the July 4, 2007 NY Times ©: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/04/us/politics/04repubs.html
** Actual rock group and they don't suck.

Dateline: Oskaloosa, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News ©.

Clinton II Doesn't Skip Iowa!

2007-07-03T04:29:00.000-07:00

With her Canadian campaign theme song, You & I But Mostly I, eh, © blaring over the Iowa State Fair Ground PA system, TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Hilly 'Spouse o' Bill' Clinton was pulled from a trunk by her husband and set atop a bale of straw. There, as Bill appeared to drink from a water glass, Hilly launched into her stump speech: “You know, if I were as smart as Bill seems to suggest I am, I would say nothing.”*

The crowd cheered. Bill smiled, water dribbling down his chin. Hilly's head swiveled from extreme left to right and almost in a complete circle taking in the applause while flashing her heart-stopping painted grin. And she said nothing.

Husband Bill, whom, Hilly reminded us, had been such a great president that by the end of the impromptu rally attended by dozens of Hilly supporters, few noticed when the ex-president stuffed wife Hilly back into the trunk and climbed upon the straw bale to announce that he was, indeed, really the Clinton running for president, again, and that Hilly--adorable though his puppet was--could not compete against any Republican in 2008. "Bush, perhaps," Bill noted to smug amusement, "But," he added, "That durn Constitution had some clause about Presidents staying too long." When asked by Des Moines Register-Picayune politics-as-entertainment reporter, David Yupson, if Bill would have any issues with that very Constitution, the former two-term president smiled, ah-shucked and the question was withdrawn to great relief and applause.

A barbecue was held immediately after the rally during which candidate Bill bested the State Fair record for number of things-on-a-stick consumed by a candidate in less than 30 minutes. He then challenged all remaining Democratic candidates to a hard-boiled egg eating contest, boasting: "I can eat fifty of 'em!" Only TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Joey Bidentime, who was working the grills at the time accepted the challenge stating, "I've already eaten fifty-one!" By then, though, no one was listening to Bidentime as Bill climbed aboard the Clinton Campaign bus while surviving members of the 70s blandgroup, Fleetwood Big Mac, played:
"Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow.
Don't stop, it'll be here again.
Don't stop thinkin' about the sorrow.
Don't stop...
Or Hilly will run again." © ASCAP, KNEECAP, toss the crowd a bone

A muffled plea for recognition could be heard from the steamer trunk as it was slid into the bus baggage hold.

***

*Actual quote. For full text see NY Times July 3 ©: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/03/us/politics/03clintons.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Dateline: Des Moines, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News editor-on-the-lam

Iowa Replaces Voting Machines With ATMs

2007-07-02T06:04:00.000-07:00

"It seemed like the obvious choice," Governor Chet 'Mr. T' Culvert, said at a Shinola, Iowa ethanol judging contest, early Monday morning. "And the solution was staring up our noses the whole time!" He punctuated the air with an exclamation point to emphasize both his surprise and satisfaction at the Iowa Attorney General's rumored plans to replace the state's outdated voting machines, that simply counted votes, with ATMs (Automated Teller Machines) that track the true test of a candidate's viability.

"The idea came to me when I was on line for cash at the Caseys' store, conveniently located on the square in newly renamed Bloomberg, Iowa," the AG said in a telephone interview, where he didn't actually identify himself. "The fellow ahead of me--a little guy, North Carolina accent, flannel shirt, great haircut--had remarked, 'You know, if we could just get the good, hard working folks of Iowa to vote by ATM, we'd save democracy.' So, I took that as a sign and ordered all voting machines replaced with ATMs. Plus, to make it easier to vote, all ATMs already in place will be retrofitted to accept your vote. Plus, plus!" This reporter could hear the air punctuation over the phone. "I'm ordering TouchPlay (TM) slots to be reinstalled at all convenience stores throughout the state and reprogrammed to not only accept your vote, but to select a candidate at random for the undecided voter." We then lost his signal before being able to confirm his identity or the plans. Still, as the Des Moines Register-Picayune's, political entertainment editor, David Yupson, might well remark, "This represents a big shift...a big shift away from the last shift, which, in and of itself, was big."

When not reached for comment, Iowa State University's Political Science Professor, Stefan Kevorkian, PhD., aka Doctor Political Death (TM) , remarked, "Gimme a break, willya? It's four in the morning! Don't you people ever sleep? Besides, we've seen this all before...."

Doctor Political Death was correct, The Blog Party News nevers sleeps, and it's time to put this issue to bed.

In Shinola, I'm Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam for BPN.

***

Obamalamadama Wins Iowa Caucus!

2007-07-02T05:40:00.000-07:00

"It's all over but the shouting," TeleTubby (TM) candidate Obamalamadama's person-of-spokes (POS, formerly spokesperson), Jane Weatherall, announced at the candidate's Des Moines, Iowa headquarters. "We got the most cash votes!"

"Not so fast," TT candidate Hilly Clinton's POS, Bill, shouted back from Hilly's campaign bus double-parked outside the Obamalamadama HQ. "It's not over until the Supreme Court certifies the Price-Waterhouse tally and says it's over." Bill, who was difficult to hear over the constant blaring of Hilly's Canadian campaign theme song, "You & I But Mostly I," was referring to the campaign contribution, second-quarter tallies released this morning, which show the Obamalamadama camp raking in over $32,000,000 while Hilly, sucked up a measly $22,000,000, and half of that was spent on gas for the campaign bus at an Iowa based Casey's convenience store (NASDAQ: CASY) where, earlier, Hilly's manager, Bill, was seen buying a fresh glazed doughnut while chatting up the girl behind the counter.

The Eddy Edwards camp, meanwhile, known for running a much leaner, and better groomed, operation, reported raising $9,000,000 in the second quarter, thus raising the possibility of Eddy making another run at the Vice-President's slot. When learning that Eddy Edwards might want his job, the current VP, Dick 'Head of the Senate' Cheney was rumored to have said that Eddy could go (do something to himself).

TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Joey Bidentime, has yet to announce his second-quarter cash/vote tally, but it's expected to fall far short of what it takes to make it in this horse race. His first quarter total was $76.47. Bidentime is scheduled to open for Bobby Sherman in the Saddle Soap Lounge at Prairie Meadows Racetrack where, earlier, he was seen placing a bet at the To Show window.

So, with second quarter results almost in, and the Obamalamadama juggernaut reported to have an estimated $163,000,000,000 in its campaign war chest, The Blog Party News, in keeping with journalistic tradition is ready to declare Obamalamadama the winner of the 2008 Iowa Caucus.

For more on Iowa Caucus Campaign Contribution Vote Counting see sidebar: http://blogparty08.blogspot.com/2007/07/iowa-replaces-voting-machines-with-atms.html

***

Dateline: Shinola, Iowa, Staff Report Blog Party News

Bloomberg Buys Iowa?: Correction

2007-06-29T05:30:00.000-07:00

Corrections, Clarifications and Obfuscations:

"Phew, did we screw that one up, or what?" Blog Party News editor-on-the-lam, Artie Azzetti, said in a telephone interview with the Bloomberg News Cayman off-shore entertainment reporter, Kate Straus. Mr Azzetti, who sounded drunk at the time but attributed his political slurs to "iPhone lag" and not abuse of his reporter's expense account, went on to say that, upon further investigation--meaning he asked someone--it turns out that NYC Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg has not actually purchased Iowa, as first reported in the June 20, 2007 Blog Party News, but, instead, has merely leased the state "with an option to buy," once the whole Hilly/Rudy thing burns itself out at the upcoming Iowa State Fair where several of the TeleTubby (TM) Candidates are scheduled to compete for Iowa voter support in the annual Cow Chip Pitching Debate.

Azzetti also noted that former president, Bill Clinton, who is scheduled to crown this year's Pork Queen (TM), will warm up the crowd for Hilly by besting the fair's record in the Things-On-A-Stick Eating Contest on debate day. Iowa Public TV is expected to cover the event, although it's unknown at this time if IPTV's former Side Roads host will, again, be arrested for shameless on-camera mugging without a script. Sgt. Floyd Castle, of the Iowa State Fair Police Department, was not contacted for comment, but in the past has shown a zero-tolerance for such shenanigans.

Dateline: Grand Cayman Hotel, Suite 407b, knock first.

Bloomberg To Buy Iowa?

2007-06-20T04:52:00.000-07:00

Hot Air or Trial Baboon?

In a move, described by Iowa's Governor 'Chet' Culvert, former lead banjo player for the Ioway Caucus Bluegrass and Ethanol Boyz, as "Weird but doable," New York City's billionaire mayor, Richard R. Bloomberg, 65, placed a bid to buy Iowa. "All of it," Chet remarked, "even the State Fairgrounds, which gotta be worth somethin'." In anticipation of the new ownership, Culvert ordered Bloomfield, Iowa to change its name to Bloomberg. "Make him feel welcome," Chet added.

Bloomberg, who was formerly a Republican and before that a Democrat and whose 2002 mayoral campaign song included the lyrics, "I'll take Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island, too..."©, has shown a remarkable ability to clean up after former NYC mayor, Rudy 'the G-Man' Guiliani, who was last seen on the presidential rapper circuit trying to outdo Mitt 'the Kid' Romney for the coveted "Most Flipped Stancedance Award" on FoxNews' Dancing With The Pols (TM).

During an interview on board his Gulfstream jet, flown by actor and pilot, John Travolta (I-NJ), Bloomberg elaborated on the rumors of his plans to purchase Iowa and the possible conflict with his management of NYC, LLC: “I believe this brings my affiliation into alignment with how I have led and will continue to lead my city.”* Mr. Bloomberg’s use of "my city," reminded this reporter of Frank Sinatra (D-NJ later R-CA), and, therefore, should be considered by readers to be an endorsement of the Bloomberg campaign.

In a Bloomberg press release, not yet released, the candidate said: "...good ideas should take precedence over rigid adherence to any particular political ideology.” *

When confronted by that statement at a group debate sponsored by the Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP) in Shinola, Iowa, most of the other TeleTubby (TM) candidates stared blankly, some looked afraid and one (Mickey McCain) remarked, "What are good ideas? Nobody told me we're supposed to have those...Sh**, you pay people for ideas, only to find out you're supposed to have good ideas." He then scowled at the cameras and said, "Well, I can get good ideas, too."

When hearing that Bloomberg might outspend her, TeleTubby (TM) candidate, 'Hilly' Clinton, is reported to have smirked, and then on her husband's advice she forced a smile, although she appeared to be not amused.

Candidate Joey Bidentime was contacted on the campaign trail at the Des Moines Interdenominational Airport (KDSM) where he was removing his shoes for TSA screening: "Bloomberg? Is he the guy with the jet plane? Cool...hey, he knows Travolta doesn't he? You ever seen Travolta do that dance in Pulp Fiction? I taught him that move. Dude, watch me!" Bidentime then proceeded to attempt to Twist (TM) but was immediately escorted to a secure area of the terminal for further examination. Travolta, when not reached for comment, might've blamed Bidentime's behaviour on "drugs."

Governor 'Chet' Culvert reminded reporters that his last name ends with a 't' "They call me, Mr. T!" he added and then pittied the fool who might forget.

***

Dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam
*Actual quotes. For full story see: NY Times June 20, 2007 or your podiatrist if irritation persists.

Edwards Surges to Left Out in Iowa

2007-06-18T05:47:00.001-07:00

In a startling revelation, athwart the ethanol fields of Iowa dreams, TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Eddy 'the Hairman' Edwards, esq., remarked: “You’ve got a woman running who is a very serious candidate!" Apparently shocked (shocked) that a woman could be serious, and having sprayed Diet Mountain Dew (TM) across this Tipton, Iowa (pop 23) audience of casually dressed--one might say, populistly dressed--Edwards loyalists, the struggling Democratic candidate went on to note that besides a "woman" in the race: "You have an African-American candidate running who is new and dynamic.” * His campaign drummer rolled off a rimshot to emphasize the absurdity of anything either new or dynamic coming from the Democratic field, while Eddy adjusted his collar in a practiced Johnny Carson wait-for-the-laughter move. He's still waiting.

Barack Obamalamadama's media afterimage manager, Rev. Al 'the Sharpie' Sharpton, subsequently challenged Eddy's contention of a new dynamism in a court filing and accompanying MTV video, stating, "Barack is mainstream! Mainstream! Mainstream!"

TeleTubby candidate Joey Bidentime, participating in the Hy Vee Triathlon (TM) in Des Moines, was reported to complain: "What gives? When I mentioned that Obamalama-what'sinaname was 'new and dynamic' (he didn't), everyone jumped all over me." He then adjusted his tie and rolled his eyes while adding, "I don't get no respect." That much was verified. He finished well back in the pack at the Triathlon.

Sources report that "New 'n Dynamic" (TM) is the untested campaign slogan for New Diet Lite Mountain Dew.

****

*actual quote out of context. For full story as seen by the NY Times go to:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/18/us/politics/18campaign.html?pagewanted=1

UN Pol Fakes Death To Avoid Iowa Poll

2007-06-15T05:02:00.000-07:00

Claiming death might interfere with his campaign plans, former United Nations secretary general and self-absolved wartime Nazi intelligence officer, Kurt Waldheim, 88, withdrew from the nearly pointless Iowa Straw Poll (TM) . Speaking through a spokesperson and channeler, the late Austrian pol is reported to be spending "more time with his family" in a cemetery outside Vienna.

Austrian-turned-governor-of-California, Arnold Schwartzadrupen, was not reached for comment and is not considered a viable alternative to Waldheim in the Iowa Straw Poll (TM), although in a recent Shinola Register-Tattler/IHOP Poll*, the California governor clocked in 4 points higher than Senator Mickey McCain of Arizona (+/- 5 pts). McCain consistently polls slightly behind an undeclared bale of straw.

World leaders were quick to offer measured stunned silences on this announcement. The undeclared straw bale, however, issued a statement saying: "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Waldheim family and victims of Nazi tyranny."

***

*IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics (TM)

Mitt 'The Kid' Unleases Iowa Surge

2007-06-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

Dog Days Ahead for the 'Ethanol State,' Campaign Global-Warming Opponent Warns...

dateline: Des Moines; Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam

“We’re in the dog days of summer!" John Weaver, Mickey McCain's chief political adviser, warned spectators (mostly reporters) at the unveiling of a statue of Mitt 'The Kid' Romney at the Iowa State Fairgrounds (http://www.iowastatefair.com/). Mitt's chiseled image, 150% life-size and made of clay, is part of a multi-million-dollar media campaign to shock and/or awe Iowa voters. The TV onslaught, which comes six weeks before the traditional political monsoon season begins during the Fair, unnerved some reporters who already had vacation plans. "Most of us were headed to Branson (Missouri) for Jimmy Osmond's Salute To Iowa's Side Roads stage show," David Yupson, political entertainment critic for the Des Moines Register, complained. "We had tickets...and really swell rooms." Yupson, in an unusual show of editorial grit, challenged The Kid's campaign to explain its strategy. Yupson politely shouted: "Iowa's 'Dog Days' (TM) don't officially begin until the Des Moines Dog Obedience Club (TM) hosts the annual summer event in August." He then emphasized, "At the Fair and not on tel-o-vision!" (so) "Just what does Mitt's organization think it's doing?"

Yupson was silenced by conservatively dressed Mittian campaign volunteers who rushed through the crowd handing out free cardboard cutouts (80% life size) of the candidate posing before a 1968 Ford Mustang muscle car while giving a thumbs-up to the viewers.
Weaver then tried to undermine Mitt's campaign surge by explaining in Mickeyian terms that: “It would be like, if on a busy intersection, a hamburger chain puts up a store, and they’re the only hamburger chain around. People would buy their hamburgers there, but after a period of time, Burger King and McDonalds move in, and the hamburger chain wouldn’t do as well.”*

No one understood, or was listening at this point, and, with The Kid's Koolaid consumed, reporters, including this one, who'd run out of commas, then stared at Mitt's cardboard poster image and agreed, "Dude, he does look so presidential."
Only then were hamburgers served to Iowa's news-hungry Fourth Estate.

****

* Actual quote. For the full NY Times story go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/13/us/politics/13ads.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Tony Soprano Enters Iowa Caucus

2007-06-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

In what he sees as "a real threat to Homeland Security, LLC (TM)," embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, promised to get to the source of Sunday night's finale to the long-running NJ campaign of Tony Soprano (D-Passaic Co). Soprano, who couldn't be reached at his Park Ridge home, but was found at nearby Marcy's Tavern, is reported to have replied, "F***, 'em," I'm retired and goin' into national politics; (it) worked for Fred Thompson." He was referring to actor turned Republican front runner, Sen. Fred Thompson of NBC. A map of Iowa was visible on the wall behind the bar, where Soprano spoke casually while thumbing through a packet of Iowa Caucus Flashcards (TM) depicting cows, hogs, straw bales and mugshots of the other candidates.

When asked about the Attorney Generalissimo's threatened investigation, Soprano, smiled, shrugged and ordered manicotti with clam sauce before noting, "I ain't the embattled one here." And as a nod to Iowa, he ordered a bottle of Iowa Vineyards' Dandelion Red. "Tastes like ethanol," Soprano said, "But I'm told ya gotta pretend to like it to stay in the race."

***

Straw Pols Skip Iowa Staw Poll

2007-06-10T06:08:00.000-07:00

Unable to avoid the inevitable pun, straw candidates, Mickey McCain and Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani, begged out of the self-declared, prestigious Iowa Straw Poll. Candidate Rudy's unofficial spokesperson told David Yupsen of the Des Moines Register, on a recent edition of Iowa Public TV's Iowa News Sorta: "Rudy isn't opposed to straw, per se, he just can't stand Iowa." Candidate Mickey in his usual direct, no-holds-barred style stared directly at Yupsen--who didn't flinch--and said, "Straw, hay, sorghum, it's all good, and I might add..." (ed note: he did add) "...there isn't a candidate in the pack, except me, who knows a bale of straw from Shinola." Shinola, of course, is the small college town in north-central Iowa where the 2007 Iowa Straw Poll traditionally is held as a kick-off to the town's Shinola Days. Shinola's mayor, Adrian Shoemaker, 19, a sophomore at Iowa State University, who became Shinola's mayor last year as part of a class assignment in her Poli Sci 102 course with Prof. Stephan Kavorkian, aka "Dr. Political Death," said, "Like, only candidate Mitt 'The Kid' Romney, like, offered to, like, attend the Straw Poll this year. Either that or, like, buy it. Whatever." A spokesman for Mitt said in an e-mail: "We're attending, oh we're attending, all right, just as soon as we can find the damn place. We've looked all over MapQuest (TM) and nothing...it's near Boise, isn't it?"

Pundits speculate that the Straw Pols feared getting the stuffing knocked of their campaigns in Iowa, but this reporter suspects that reports--unconfirmed by the FAA--of Democratic candidate Hilly swooping over Shinola on a fiery broom screaming, "Afraid of a little fire, Strawmen?" might have played a role in the decision to skip Shinola altogether. Observers say her laugh was chilling, as were the flying monkeys who handed out refrigerator magnets promoting her MySpaceNotYours.com web site.

Candidate Joey Bidentime, when reached at closing time at the Raccoon River Brewery and Grill in Des Moines said, "S**t, was I supposed to be on Iowa News Sorta? Was that today?"

***

Dateline, Des Moines: Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News editor-on-the-lam

Dems Stunned by G8 VladBomb

2007-06-08T04:09:00.000-07:00

Undeclared candidate, Vladimir "Vlad-the-Impeller" Putin, stunned U-2 and G8 attendees in Germany yesterday by hinting that he might be "considering" forming an exploratory people's committee for a "possible" run at the White House. "These days, who isn't?" asked G8 host, Bono, who was sitting in for President George II (G2), who couldn't attend the working breakfast after allegedly vomiting during a pre-breakfast briefing, conjuring memories of his father's (G1) unfortunate 1992 encounter with a Japanese Prime Minister, as well as fanning speculation that he might be pregnant.
"Of course I am an absolute, pure democrat," Vlad quipped while signing autographs at a local Barnes unt Noblesse bookstore in the upscale former East Berlin Checkpoint Charlie shopping district, where he's promoting reemerging Russian ambitions and his new memoir, When 'W' Looked Into My Soul (Randomthoughts Publishing, LLC). Aping opponent Rudy G's rapper delivery style, Vlad, wearing gold chains over a black turtleneck sweater and shoulder holster, went on to recite:
"But you know the problem?
"It's not even a problem...
"It's a real tra-ge-dy."
He then pushed his shades down his sharp nose as though to address viewers directly through the MTV cameras and continued:
"The thing is that...
"I am the only one...
"There just aren't any...
"Others in the world." *
Former Stasi bodyguards then hustled Vlad into an awaiting Trabant sedan, which, after some pushing, sped away in a cloud of blue, two-cycle smoke. Vlad Putin is scheduled to visit Iowa in August with stops at the Iowa State Fair and to open a new IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics TM) in Iowa City.
White House spokesman, Tony Snow, said there was no truth to rumors of the president's pregnancy and that the president and Vlad were still "good friends." Putin, he noted, "is even scheduled for a two-day sleepover at the Bush Ranch."

***

* Actual quote. For complete Putin stump speech go to: http://news.oneindia.in/2007/06/05/i-am-a-pure-absolute-democrat-after-mahatma-gandhi-putin-1180983874.html

Editorial: Don't Mess With Bozo

2007-06-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

To one of the Thompson Twins currently running for president: I must take offense at your (which ever of you two said it) statement in New Hampshire last night: “It’s a badge of honor to get attacked by some of these bozos.”

At long last, sirs, have you no shame? Is there no decency left in this quest for glory, this dash for the gold, this, this Sicilian thing?

Now, I'm no Bozo, but Bozo (aka "the Clown" (TM) Larry Harmon) was a friend of mine when I was growing up, and you, sirs, will never--ever--be Bozos!

I remain as always, somewhere in Westwood, New Jersey:
--Artie Azzetti
Editor-on-the-Lam, the Blog Party News

Republican TeleTubbies Spar in NH

2007-06-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

TeleTuby Rudy, Whups on Mickey and Mitt
Dateline: Goofstown, NH

“It’s a typical Washington mess,” TT welter-weight, Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani in green trunks and red tie, called. Wide-eyed, he shook his taped fist at TT heavy-weight opponent, Senator Mickey McCain, in red trunks and blue tie, during the pre-fight weigh-in for the Republican's Rumble Into the Bungle presidential match-up held Tuesday evening at St. Elmo's College in Goofstown, New Hampshire.
“Everybody compromises," Rudy taunted, "four or five com-pro-mises." At this point it appeared Rudy was trying to rhyme: "And the com-pro-mises leave you with the following conclusion...." Rudy windmilled his arm as though readying a cartoon punch at Mickey, who stood quietly aside, grinning, yet coiled as Rudy danced about the room taunting:
"The litmus test you should have...
"For legislation is...
"Is it going to make things better?"
Rudy leaned into Mickey, both candidates restrained, now, by nervous handlers, aware that a third contender, TT lightweight Mitt 'The Kid' Romney had entered the room wearing boxer shorts and black tie.
Rudy sensing the upstart's appearance, turned on Mitt to finish his poetic diatribe:
"And when you look at these com-pro-mises..."
Mitt looked where Rudy pointed.
"It is quite possible...
It will make things worse.” *
Rudy then performed his patented double-shuffle dope-a-vote for the cameras and glared at Mickey and Mitt while singing: "You can't get me, I'm Ru-dy Gui-li!"

Later, when the actual bout began, all three contenders gut-punched themselves silly before a less-than-stunned audience of St. Elmo summer session students attending the event for Poli-Sci credit.

*Actual quote. Full text of the "debate" can be read at NY Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/06/us/politics/06debate.html

***

God Declares For Dems

2007-06-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

God, aka: "The Lord," Crosses Aisle to Become a Democrat
dateline: Keene, NH

Not since the early 1960s, has God "The Father" (not affiliated with 'The Godfather' (TM) Paramount Pictures) thrown his weight behind a presidential candidate. "Yeah," his son, Jesus, remarked when reached in Branson, Missouri, "Dad had a lot vested in the Kennedy bunch, but that soured after Bobby..." After a pause, he continued, "He made some inroads into the Republican Party, but, you know how that whole Pat Robertson thing got outa hand..." Again his voice trailed off before concluding, "So he's a Democrat now, although, God knows why. Look, I gotta run, Glen Campbell's due on stage and without me he's got nothing."

The switch from Red God to Blue God was announced last night during the Democratic Candidates' Debate at the IHOP Theater in Keene, New Hampshire. Moderator, Sean Penn, asked candidates to, "Explain in your own words why George W. Bush is evil." Candidate John Edwards was first on the button offering, "I'm glad you asked that question, Sean. As you know, I've long supported God, and now God has announced his support for not only me," Edwards pointed to his own chest before indicating his fellow candidates lined up like TeleTubbies on stage, "but for the Democratic Party as a whole."

Candidate Barack Obama, who'd momentarily ducked behind the rostrum to light a cigarette, took immediate umbrage when he mistakenly assumed that Edwards, an attorney, had called Obama, also an attorney, an "a**-a-hole." After a brief scuffle during which Hilly took the microphone to sell health insurance, and Joey Bidentime made jokes about Edwards' hair--none of which this reporter got--calm returned. Senator Chris Dodd, whose name rhymes with "God" looked stern and, frankly, Godlike with his white hair, throughout.

God 'The Father' could not be reached by any candidate for verification of the endorsement.

***

Clinton Serves It Up in Iowa

2007-06-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Hilly, Self-proclaimed TeleTubby Front Runner, Two-Steps at Iowa Pol Potluck

Proving, once again, that she has a long way to go before winning Iowa's uncommitted hearts, Hilly, appeared at the Iowa Blog Party's Candidate Pot Luck held in the Odd Fellows Hall in Cedar Rapids on June 2, with what she referred to as a "casserole" of ideas. The crowd--polite Midwesterners all--quietly gasped at the faux pas. "This is a potluck," Jane C. Freber of Muscatine, remarked on the serving line. "Hilly should know (that) you bring a 'hot dish' to a pot luck, not a casserole." Freber then scooped a small portion of scalloped potatoes onto her paper plate while quietly noting to her husband, Frank, that the edges weren't crisp. "Half-baked," he agreed. The Frebers had recently lost their home to a tornado and said that they appreciated Hilly's show of concern, aware that her "casserole" had--as Hilly noted twice in her opening comments--indeed, arrived sooner than FEMA. Still, as Mr. Freber noted, "That's no reason to vote for someone." Mrs Freber quietly added, "At least she didn't try to hug us, like her husband kept doing." Mr. Ferber corrected his wife, "Hugged you."

A dance immediately followed the pot luck at which point Hilly redeemed herself by challenging fellow TeleTubby candidate, Rudy, to break dance on the gymnasium floor. Both Frebers agreed that Hilly out-danced Rudy. "Kicked his butt," Jane C. Freber commented. Coffee and sheet cake were then served. At 9 PM chairs and tables were folded and stored away as the candidates left for New Hampshire, all except John Edwards who stayed behind to be photographed folding a chair and handing it to a retired union iron worker who complimented Edwards on his hair and blue jeans.

For more details see the NY Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/03/us/politics/03dems.html

****

Iowa Blog Party Caucus Turns to Teletubbies

2007-06-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

Mitt Declares: "I'm Not a TeleTubby!" And calls on Rev. Falwell to back him up.

Threatened by falling Iowa Caucus prospects as the Blog Party surges, Mitt Romney distanced himself from rumors of having once been a TeleTubby (TT) by reportedly saying that he may have dabbled in TeleTubbyism while in Spain but as Governor of Massachusetts, never personally condoned the movement. "However," Mitt was quick to add, "I have been a lifelong supporter of TeleTubbie's Second Commandment right to bare their arms."

Hillary and Rudy, long suspected of being TTs themselves, have refrained from comment.

****

Hillary, Mitt & Rudy Bow Out...

2007-05-31T05:22:00.000-07:00

Or at least the TeleTubby front runners should consider quitting the Iowa caucus as a native son enters the 2008 Race

It's a proud day in Iowa aviation politics. Thursday. Let that sink in, because pride goeth before the belly flop, which is the sound of Brent Taylor taking the plunge into national politics. Yes, the Antique Airplane Association's own Brent Taylor (seen at right in Air Force One) has announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Yeah, who hasn't these days? His complete announcement, including campaign promises and denials, can he accessed at: http://bergeflyingtheater.blogspot.com/2007/05/who-wants-to-ride-air-force-one.html For those of you unfamiliar with Iowa politics, it works like this: First, you find a large hog, get a tube of lipstick...no, wait that's how we pick winners at the State Fair. Picking a president, though, ain't far off. Politically speaking, Iowa is the king maker (note we haven't said queen maker yet as some candidate think she's too good to campaign here--no names mentioned). Iowa chooses who gets to run. The rest of the nation shuffles through the process of voting for whomever we select in caucus, and since no one really knows what a caucus is, we pick some winners, don't we? (That's a quiz question. You have 30 minutes to write a reply and post in the Comments section, where you can also declare your candidacy, challenging Taylor's front-runner status). Meanwhile, for extra credit go to the nomination link: http://bergeflyingtheater.blogspot.com/2007/05/who-wants-to-ride-air-force-one.html There, you'll meet the newest Blog Party candidate for President of these here, and those there, United States of America (except New Jersey. We couldn't afford to buy those votes, but we do have a lease with option should Brent's campaign take off.) Reality Check: Now, I can hear the skeptics asking, "Isn't it kinda late to be starting a presidential run, what with only 17 months left to election day? To which the Blog Party says, "Late? Hell, in 17 months we'll have spent all the campaign money and impeached the rascal!" So, feel the pain and do the right thing...no, delay that--do what's good for the party (which will be held in the Pilot's Pub on 9/29/07). Go to: http://bergeflyingtheater.blogspot.com/2007/05/who-wants-to-ride-air-force-one.html to support Brent Taylor's bid to become the next.....blah, blah, blah.... (applause, applause, release the balloons and pumpkins). Vote early, vote Blog. Bail bonds available. Thank you. Bar's open! --Paul Berge, Blog Party Host "Party Like It's 2008 and with the Blog Party in the White House, the hangover will be worth it..."

2007-05-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

Tired of Blue or Red States? Rep or Dem? Us v. Them? Paper or Plastic? Well, time to nominate the next President of the United States from the list of questionably qualified candidates available through the Blog Party ©.

Yes, that means anyone, including you, can announce a candidacy absolutely free.
It's so easy anyone--except those already running under the Democratic or Republican banners--can do it.

Simply click on the link to the left, or cut 'n paste this address:
http://rejectionsliptheater.blogspot.com/2007/05/rejection-slip-theater-presidential.html
Announce your candidacy and await the influx of campaign contributions.

Your Blog Party Host,

Paul Berge, reminding you to party like it's 2008

The Blog Party News Network ©

Another Taylor Announces Candidacy

From Shock and Awe to Fragile and Reversible

Hillary Heads To Oz

Hillary Action Figure Shoots Self in Foot

Ralph Nader Picks New Running Mate?

Ralph Nader Challenges McCain To Race of the Ages

Barrage Obama

Barbarella's Back

The Clintons Roll Out New Strategy

Stimulus Package Jolts GOP and Dems

Rudy Defeats Huckabee

Kennedys Don't Go For Clintons

The Clintons Whupped Good in SC

Shocking Shakeup in Primary Shag

Huckabee Update: Pol's Pole Poll

Huckabee: From God's Lips To Your Ballot

Massachusetts Governor Wins Native State

Romney Correction

Iowa Caucus Wrap-up

Markets Crash As Huckabee Blitzes Iowa

Iowa Caucus Boffo Biz in Better Bistros

Iowa Caucus Home Stretch

Huckleberry Turns The Other Cheek in Iowa

Huckleberry Puts Pakistan on the Map

Endorsements Fly in Iowa

Writers Strike Disrupts Republican Debate

O, Yes, IOWA

Ethanol State Caucus Turns Grassroot

Mitt Schmitt, We Got It Wrong

Musharraf Tosses Helmet in Iowa Caucus Ring

Writers Strike At Clintons Iowa Campaign

Writers Strike Enters Week 2 in Iowa Caucus

Pat Robertson Comes Out...

Writers Strike At Iowa Caucus

O, Mama--Obama Wanna Change!

Rudy's Mouthpiece Takes Biden Bait

Clintons Show Steel In Philly

Iowa Update: Hair Raising Torture

Mitt Sox Colorado

Romney Leads Red Sox To Victory

Iowa Caucus Round Up the Usual Suspects

FaceBlog: Iowa

Steaks Alive!

McCain Still Alive in Iowa...Again

Dodd o Richardson?

God To Team With Richardson?

Thompson Launches Fall Season Presidential Bid

Republican Quits Iowa Caucus

Edwards Takes On Robber Barons

Mitt Punch-Drunk In Straw Poll Slam Dunk

South Caroline and Iowa Secede?

Romney Struts His Military Prowess

Republicans Defy Iowa Sunday Norms

Muck Flies in Iowa Caucus Ring Quest

Giuliani Gloats, Edwards Glows

IHOP To Purchase McCain Campaign?

Mr. Huckleberry Goes To Washington

McCain Campaign Seeks New Vision

Obama bid Biden?

Where's Edwards in Iowa?

Dems Swap Roles and Rolls With Reps

Clinton II Doesn't Skip Iowa!

Iowa Replaces Voting Machines With ATMs

Obamalamadama Wins Iowa Caucus!

Bloomberg Buys Iowa?: Correction

Bloomberg To Buy Iowa?

Edwards Surges to Left Out in Iowa

UN Pol Fakes Death To Avoid Iowa Poll

Mitt 'The Kid' Unleases Iowa Surge

Tony Soprano Enters Iowa Caucus

Straw Pols Skip Iowa Staw Poll

Dems Stunned by G8 VladBomb

Editorial: Don't Mess With Bozo

Republican TeleTubbies Spar in NH

God Declares For Dems

Clinton Serves It Up in Iowa

Iowa Blog Party Caucus Turns to Teletubbies

Hillary, Mitt & Rudy Bow Out...

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