Another Taylor Announces Candidacy

Readers may have noticed that the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) has been off the air since April. The reason is simple. We lost our password. Now that we have it back, we can report that The Clintons, LLC have agreed to leave the presidential race provided we pay them $10 million. "Cheap at half the price," BPNN comptroller, Edmond D. Feader said as he wrote the check after downing a fifth of Gentleman Jack. "Anything to get them off the front page." That's when BPNN--like conservative talk show host and draft dodger, Surge Windbag--discovered that without The Clintons, LLC we go nuthin'. Thankfully, a new candidate has tossed his hat--or flying helmet--into the ring.

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Richard L. Taylor (yeah, that Richard L. Taylor) has announced that he is the man to lead this country into the sunny uplands. We like him because he's a pilot, but non-pilots may like Taylor for more earthly reasons. To judge for yourself go to: http://www.news3online.com/

Send us your opinions about Mr. Taylor, and if they agree with ours, we'll post them. Until then, consider this a complete endorsement by BPNN and The Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP) of Richard L. Taylor for President of the United States of America.

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Dateline: Columbus, OH, Artie Azetti, editor-on-the-lam, BPNN

© 2008, BPNN, all rights refreshed

From Shock and Awe to Fragile and Reversible

Senate Lends Ear To the Front

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“We haven’t turned any corners," General Petraeus Maximus Iraqus warned Senators in the Forum yesterday about the state of the seemingly endless presidential campaign. "We haven’t seen any lights at the end of the tunnel.” His words, carefully chosen so as not to betray any personal political ambitions, were no doubt aimed at the three Senators--Clintonavia Minor, Obamamajoritus and McCainonized--all plotting to replace the flagging Emperor Georgeus Augustless. McCainonized defended his own, often rudderless campaign, by saying: “We’re no longer staring into the abyss of defeat, and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of success.”

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As unenthusiastic applause from Republicans quickly died away, Senator Clintonavia Minor rose to the dais to warn her challengers that her own policies could easily shift once again to suit her own purposes: “It might well be irresponsible to continue the policy that has not produced the results that have been promised time and time again.” Nearby in the shadows, her husband, former Emperor Williesgivesus, opened is robe front as though to expose plots to be laid, only this time it was a long knife he bared.

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Senator Obamamajoritus took his time adjusting his toga before addressing his own strategic faults, particularly his earlier failure to dispatch Clintonavia Minor, by saying only that it had been a “massive strategic blunder” on his part, one that surly he would not repeat.

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Lunch was then served, and all attended as the Senators competed in a game of ten pins, while Emperor Georgeus Augustless entertained the masses with stimulating song, stopping briefly to ask, "Does anyone smell smoke?"

No one did.

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dateline: Rome 2008 CE, Artus Azzetti Scribinus, Blog Party News Network BPNN, ©, all rights in praise of the Emperor.

All quotes real and taken from NY Times, April 9, 2008 edition

Hillary Heads To Oz

To Ask Wizard For a Heart.

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According to today's NY Times The Clintons, LLC (TM) campaign strategist, Mark Penn--whose ancestors discovered Pennsylvania--has been allowed to fall on his sword for several strategy gaffes, chief among them Hillary's inability to win the nomination despite husband Bill's aide, but as The Times reported, Penn had one overriding fault: "Mr. Penn also early on resisted efforts to humanize Mrs. Clinton..."

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Insisting that Hillary is, or could be, human--depending on what the definition of "is" is--former President Bill Clinton announced that his running mate, Hillary, will finally take that yellow road all presidential hopefuls must crawl to Oz in order to ask the Wizard for, in her case, a heart. President Clinton noted that she'd better not "chill out," since chief rival, Obama, long ago made the journey and received his courage, plus, Senator McCain, who hasn't been seen since locking up the Republican nomination, is reportedly in Oz and close to getting an economic and foreign policy brain (with help from his tutor, Joe "Whisper In My Ear" Lieberman).

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The Lollipop League (r) superdelegates are at this stage uncommitted but given how much cuter Obama is than The Clintons, LLC (TM), BPNN polls indicate that independent Oz voters may cut Hillary loose and let her drift away....and that goes for her little dog, too.

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© 2008, Dorothy, Ks., Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, all rights rescinded. Some irritation may occur.

Hillary Action Figure Shoots Self in Foot

Many presidential candidates have tried to claim the Ronald Reagan mantle—McCain by confusing Iran and Iraq, Romney by attempting the “ah shucks” pose and, now, The Desperate Democrat (TM), Senator Hillary Clinton, has taken a shot at faking one for the Gipper only to find her aim and memory a tad unreliable. In a recent press conference, Hillary faded into Reaganesque memory mode and thrilled reporters with her daring 1996 raid on Tuzla, Bosnia. Spinning a ripping yarn of the former First Lady dodging sniper fire, pulling hand grenade pins with her teeth while scooping an eight-year old child off the airport ramp, “Rocky” Clinton was determined to show voters that she—not McCain—was the tough guy, hinting that, perhaps, McCain’s war record paled in comparison to her Commando First Lady days.

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Anonymous sources now support Senator Clinton’s war memories and confirm that The Clintons, LLC, ™ Action Team has released a limited edition Hillary Action Hero Figure (TM), complete with eye patch, M-16, grenade launcher plus paste-on battle wounds and medals to compliment her Camouflage Pants Suits (White House 3 AM Red Phone sold separately).

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Insiders on The Clintons, LLC Delta Force hint that they may have uncovered evidence that Senator John McCain never served in the Navy, as he's claimed all these years and, "In fact," the unnamed source added, "We don't believe he was a POW in the Hanoi Hilton for five-and-a-half years but, instead was hiding in the Honolulu Hilton while The Clintons, LLC (TM) were fighting in Vietnam!" Senator McCain was in a special AP World Geo-Politics class given by Professor Joseph Lieberman and unavailable for comment until he'd done his homework.

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Ralph Nader Picks New Running Mate?

Independent presidential candidate and fun hater, Ralph Nader, announced his new running mate today at a news conference held on the loading dock at Dunder-Mifflin Paper in Scranton, Pa., a state widely considered to be crucial in his campaign for the Nut House: “He’s experienced. He’s tested and fully vetted. And he’s the kind of guy who could deflect a lot of criticism from me,” Nader said to the assembled crowd of lunchtime workers who briefly stopped playing foursquare to listen to the 105-year-old candidate. “That is why I have selected Elliot Spitzer, lantern-jawed crime-fighter and former governor of New York, to be my running mate…that, and he seems to have some good lodging connections in Washington, DC, which should help with our transition team after the election.”
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Nader then took a question from BPNN reporter, Sharon Klontz, who asked if Ralph had seen a newspaper lately, hinting that, perhaps, his Spitzer choice might be untimely. “Don’t need papers,” Nader replied. “Nothing but obfuscations and monkey shines in the media. I determine my own truths.” Nader then attempted to force the foursquare players to wear safety helmets and goggles. When he subsequently found himself stuffed inside a dumpster Nader admitted that his campaign had hit a bit of a “speed bump,” but that he and his cause—yet to be determined—will still, as all politicians like to say when they have no cause—be “going forward.”
When asked why Spitzer was unable to attend the announcement, Nader replied, “His text message said something about ‘spending more time with his family.’ I like that. Shows character, donchya think?” He didn’t wait to hear what our reporter thought.

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© 2008, Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, all rights recycled. Discontinue use if rash persists.

Ralph Nader Challenges McCain To Race of the Ages

He'll Never Catch Me!

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In a surprise move, perennial presidential candidate and Corvair hater, Ralph Nader, launched his bid for President of the United States, much as other candidates, now forgotten, had--with a rally at the Iowa Sate Fairgrounds. Standing tall on a snowy stage, Nader addressed his supporter with a rousing speech about the benefits of a high-fiber diet and an expose on kitchen appliance that don't really make mounds of jullien fries. He stopped briefly to answer a question from the press corps, Sharon Klontz of the Jackson County FFA News: "Ah, Mister Neber, sir, what are you doing here? The Iowa Caucus was months ago and the Fair isn't until August."

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Ralph didn't flinch under the withering media scrutiny. "Why am I running?" his gestures seemed to reply. “If there was no other reason to run — other than the civil liberties, civil rights issue of ballot access — it’d be worth it.”* He then left the stage escorted by a homeless man pushing a shopping cart full of Nader For President '04 pamphlets with the '04 crossed out and '08 penciled in.

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Klontz, who has since been hired by the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), canvassed the crowd asking, "What do you think of Ralph Nader?" Justin Milsap of West Des Moines--the crowd--answered, "Um, I was, like, here for, you know, a job interview to run the Tilt-O-Whirl next season, and, like, I got lost, but something about this dude standing on, like, a stage, in the snow made me think he just might be the real thing." Milsap then added, "But he wasn't...Do you know where the Tilt-O-Whirl is?" She did.

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When asked about Nader's late entry into the '08 campaign, The Clintons, LLC (TM) scowled, Barrage Obama took notes, and McCain called Nader an old fart and that he was ready to fight him for a hundred years if that's what it took to convince his dear friends that he was a real conservative.

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dateline: Des Moines, Iowa--again--Artie Azzetti and Sharon Klontz, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refried.

* real quote

Barrage Obama

Continues to Pound The Clintons' Camp

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Side-by-side, bloodied but unaware, on stage after yet two more primary defeats calculated to throw their opponent off guard, The Clintons, LLC (TM) released a joint statement: “This is the choice we face: One of us is ready to be commander in chief in a dangerous world,” Clinton #2 said. “One of us has faced serious Republican opposition in the past," Clinton #1 picked up. Then, in unison they concluded: "— and one of us is ready to do it again.” *

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It's now up to the voters in Texas and Ohio--possibly Pennsylvania--to decide which Clinton is ready. The crowd cheered on cue as The Clintons, LLC (TM) latest campaign theme song, "Do It To You One More Time" by the Captain and/or Taneal, blared over the PA system while The Clintons, LLC (TM) campaign manager, Howie Mandel, tazed the crowd into a frenzied stupor before the candidates once again boarded the candidates' Spare Change mother ship in their never-ending quest for the co-leads in Fox/TV's newest reality series, White House! ©

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*actual quotes taken way out of context
dateline: Brewpub, Wi., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reordered.