Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Hillary Action Figure Shoots Self in Foot

Many presidential candidates have tried to claim the Ronald Reagan mantle—McCain by confusing Iran and Iraq, Romney by attempting the “ah shucks” pose and, now, The Desperate Democrat (TM), Senator Hillary Clinton, has taken a shot at faking one for the Gipper only to find her aim and memory a tad unreliable. In a recent press conference, Hillary faded into Reaganesque memory mode and thrilled reporters with her daring 1996 raid on Tuzla, Bosnia. Spinning a ripping yarn of the former First Lady dodging sniper fire, pulling hand grenade pins with her teeth while scooping an eight-year old child off the airport ramp, “Rocky” Clinton was determined to show voters that she—not McCain—was the tough guy, hinting that, perhaps, McCain’s war record paled in comparison to her Commando First Lady days.
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Anonymous sources now support Senator Clinton’s war memories and confirm that The Clintons, LLC, ™ Action Team has released a limited edition Hillary Action Hero Figure (TM), complete with eye patch, M-16, grenade launcher plus paste-on battle wounds and medals to compliment her Camouflage Pants Suits (White House 3 AM Red Phone sold separately).
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Insiders on The Clintons, LLC Delta Force hint that they may have uncovered evidence that Senator John McCain never served in the Navy, as he's claimed all these years and, "In fact," the unnamed source added, "We don't believe he was a POW in the Hanoi Hilton for five-and-a-half years but, instead was hiding in the Honolulu Hilton while The Clintons, LLC (TM) were fighting in Vietnam!" Senator McCain was in a special AP World Geo-Politics class given by Professor Joseph Lieberman and unavailable for comment until he'd done his homework.
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Friday, March 14, 2008

Ralph Nader Picks New Running Mate?

Independent presidential candidate and fun hater, Ralph Nader, announced his new running mate today at a news conference held on the loading dock at Dunder-Mifflin Paper in Scranton, Pa., a state widely considered to be crucial in his campaign for the Nut House: “He’s experienced. He’s tested and fully vetted. And he’s the kind of guy who could deflect a lot of criticism from me,” Nader said to the assembled crowd of lunchtime workers who briefly stopped playing foursquare to listen to the 105-year-old candidate. “That is why I have selected Elliot Spitzer, lantern-jawed crime-fighter and former governor of New York, to be my running mate…that, and he seems to have some good lodging connections in Washington, DC, which should help with our transition team after the election.”
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Nader then took a question from BPNN reporter, Sharon Klontz, who asked if Ralph had seen a newspaper lately, hinting that, perhaps, his Spitzer choice might be untimely. “Don’t need papers,” Nader replied. “Nothing but obfuscations and monkey shines in the media. I determine my own truths.” Nader then attempted to force the foursquare players to wear safety helmets and goggles. When he subsequently found himself stuffed inside a dumpster Nader admitted that his campaign had hit a bit of a “speed bump,” but that he and his cause—yet to be determined—will still, as all politicians like to say when they have no cause—be “going forward.”
When asked why Spitzer was unable to attend the announcement, Nader replied, “His text message said something about ‘spending more time with his family.’ I like that. Shows character, donchya think?” He didn’t wait to hear what our reporter thought.
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