Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Clintons Show Steel In Philly

Democratic candidates came together last night in the City of Brotherly Love for a rare display of unity to kick the tar out of the Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY, ETC)...or so they hoped. Candidate Obalamadama (D-CHI) seemed to lead the suicide attack by strapping on the threadbare Rush Limbaugh mantle of If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Just Say 'Clinton'. The half-term Senator from Chicago forgot that Rush is a clown, so his imitation of the Republican court jester took some of the sting out his stab: “It is the fight that we’ve been through since the ’90s," Obamalamada said. "And part of the job of the next president is to break the gridlock and to get Democrats and independents and Republicans to start working together to solve these big problems.”* Those big problems, presumably, being Clintons--maybe Bushcheneys--it was a little unclear to this reporter.
Former Senator Johnny Edwards (, NC) egged Obamalama on, whispering that he knew a good lawyer in case this tactic failed. He could be seen slipping him a business card on which was printed, Edwards, would make a swell VP. Works on contingency. Call.
Clintons, dazed but still standing, replied: “I need to rebut that,"** Whereupon her supporters broke with NBC debate protocol and chanted "Rebut that! Rebut that..." until moderator Tim Russet threatened to "clear the courtroom if there was one more outburst. This is a circus not a debate...ah, a debacle, not a, a ...oh, never mind."
Two bright spots in the Democrats' evening of discontent were Bill Richards (D-NM), sporting a black cape and mask, jumping to Clintons' defense. Waving a sword and stroking his pencil-thin mustache he challenged his fellow candiditoes to "Unhand that fairly lady. These are no ways for Democraticos for to be behaving. It is the Senor Bushcheneys we must defeat. There is no honor on this path you have chosen." He then rode off on his white charger and was never heard from again. Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!) took advantage of the awkward silence that followed to announce that he'd seen a UFO. Whereupon, everyone laughed, and theme music rose to indicate that another episode of Democrat Party! © had come to a close. Citing low ratings, though, NBC subsequently announced that the political sitcom was being replaced by Howie Mandel's Republican reality show: Appeal/No Appeal ©, in which a half-dozen rich white guys in dark suits vie to hide their pasts and appear tougher than an old Vietnam POW/fighter pilot. Early audience response seems to indicate a possible hit series with comments such as "Rudy's imitation of the Fonz is killer, just killer," a likely voter from Des Moines said.
Dateline: Philadelphia, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights regurgitated, opinions may vary.
* Actual quote
**Actual quote

Friday, October 26, 2007

Iowa Update: Hair Raising Torture

As Iowa plays Hide-The-Caucus by continually shifting the date, presidential hopefuls continue undeterred to search for it. This week, alone, candidates Rudy The G-Man Giuliani (R-NY) and Senator Mickey McCain (R-AZ) struggled for Hawkeye hearts and/or minds by parsing the meaning of torture vis-a-vis waterboarding. The argument is mute to many Iowans who quietly believe that all presidential candidates should be tortured, "Give 'em back a little taste of what they been puttin' us through," Earl Soyrust, an independent voter from Twofourdee, Iowa, remarked after leaving a mandatory Meet Hillary Or Else event. "She calls in the middle of dinner, she calls on weekends," he lamented. "The lady just don't know when to shut up." At which point, Earl's wife, Annette, quipped, "Lot like that Biden fella." Earl nodded but said nothing more, suspecting that Clinton informants might still be in the crowd.
Democrats aren't the only ones feeling the shift in Iowa attitudes toward the political pestilence that won't leave the prairie. Giuliani recently complained while doing his Rodney Dangerfield act in Davenport: "I’m getting tortured running for president of the United States."* Rudy rolled his eyes and adjusted his tie, pausing to relish the laughter, before concluding: "That’s plain silly. That’s silly.”* The fallout was almost immediate as David Yawpson, Politics-As-Entertainment-Editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, wrote in his syndicated column, My Barbaric Yawp ©: "Mr. Giuliani is slowly learning that Iowans know silly. Iowans like silly. And we like it plain."
Other candidates less concerned about looking silly, immediately charged into the expanding silly gap. Senator Chris Dodd (rhymes with "God") unleashed a barrage of silly TV ads, produced by unemployed actors from Iowa's Rejection Slip Theater, (TM) in which fictitious Iowans politely note how great the senator's hair is despite the grueling demands of campaigning in a state where a haircut costs $15. **
The candidate who will probably benefit most from this "silly" shift in the run-up to the Iowa Caucus Night (whenever it is), could be Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), who has a long record of looking and sounding silly on the stump. In an uncharacteristic stance against silliness in politics, Kuspinich, speaking before a homeless audience in Ames, Iowa, allegedly said that once he solved all the problems facing the other candidates--war, poverty, insurance renewal forms--he'd reshape the entire public forum, "beginning," he was heard to say, "with those damn Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers (TM) ads on National Public Radio (NPR)! You know the ones, something about car owners needing a sympathetic ear...and engine shampoos!" The crowd leapt to its feet as though to leave, but, since the exit doors were locked, cheered Kuspinich on. "When elected, I promise to eliminate engine shampoos!"
This reporter missed the remainder of the stump speech, presumably drowned out by the madding crowd, although, in reality, I just couldn't hear Game 2 of the World Series and wanted to know how Mitt The Kid Glove Romney's team was doing against Tancredo's Colorado Rockettes. (TM)***
* actual quote taken completely out of context, and out of Davenport.
** Honest, he's really running ads about his hair. Great hair, to be certain, as BPNN has noted for months.
*** Romney 2, Tancredo 1
Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artiie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, © The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights remaindered, all bottles rinsed before recycling.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Mitt Sox Colorado

Iowa Next?

Mitt The Kid Glove Romney, strode onto the field at Boston's Fenway Park last night before Game 1 of the 2007 World Series/Caucus to toss out the first unbeliever and simultaneously launch sidearm high heat at the Democrats (or Terrorists; that distinction has been muddied in this campaign): "Just look at what Osam, uh, Barack Obama, said just yesterday, Barack Obama, calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq."* The Fenway Park crowd of 47 million adoring fans of their former governor, instantly broke into song: "Come together, right now...over Mitt!"

Massachusetts Governor Romney then rose in a swirl of honey bees and was placed in the highest sky box to watch his Red Sox paste the devil-worshipping Colorado Rockies 130-1. Mitt barely suppressed a smirk as his youngest son, Dustin, led the Red Sox order with a homer off the rim of the center field Green Monster. Mitt's middle son, Josh, rallied the Romney boys' defense of their Dad's presidential run by pitching a nearly perfect game, allowing only one run when Hilly/Billy Clinton momentarily distracted him by skywriting above the stadium: "This ain't Iowa!" Two of Romney's other sons--Manny and Youk--made certain Dad's line drive for the White House remained on course with performances Boston hasn't seen since the Romney family led troops up nearby Bunker Hill in 1775.

Meanwhile, Colorado's manager, Tom Tancredo, could be seen rending his garments and weeping visibly in the Rockies' dugout as he sent his last reliever pitcher, 12-year-old Little Leaguer, Ronnie Paul from Greeley, CO, in to face the the Romney juggernaut. Paul is reported to be resting in stable condition.

After the game, a Mitt aide reportedly said to this BPNN reporter: "Major League Baseball teams just shouldn't be named for states, that's the point we made and the point that will spearhead this team to the White House..."** Tancredo meanwhile seemed to collapse when told that Game #2 would be fought against Romney's eldest son, Curt.

Elsewhere: In response to Romney's unprecedented march through Boston, rival candidate Rudy The G-Man Giuliani redoubled his efforts by reportedly telling a packed crowd of 37 at a newly opened IHOP*** in Elsewhere, Iowa that "Iowans have nothing....nothing to fear but," he warned, "Stay very, very afraid."**** Sadly for Rudy, most Iowans aren't afraid and were home watching the series and quietly mourning the Cubs.

*actual quote. Tomato/potato, they're all good.
**unverified at press time...or any time for that matter.
***IHOP Iowa House of Politics, not affiliated with IHOP--International House of Parody.
****unverified but reasonable
Dateline: Boston, Artie Azzetti, sports editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network-Sports (BPNN-S), all rights returned.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Romney Leads Red Sox To Victory

Not since Rudy The G-Man Giuliani led the '69 NY Mets to the World Series has a baseball club rallied behind a leader such as Mitt (as in baseball) Kid-Glove Romney. Or so was the impression the former Governor of Massachusetts, wearing BoSox red, seemed to convey during last night's Republican cage debate, during which Senator McCain responded by pulling off his face mask and knee guards to show fellow candidates what real leadership scars looked like, noting that he couldn't attend the '69 World Series (or '69 Woodstock for that matter* ) because, as the former Navy pilot and POW noted: "I was tied up at the time." **
Mitt lost no time responding that he, too, was otherwise committed in 1969, saving Parisians from perdition as a Mormon missionary and therefore unable to serve in either the US military or Major League Baseball. And without drawing breath--as though breathing through gills--Mitt said that his five sons--all of eligible baseball age--could have and would have played for the Red Sox, but chose, instead, to support their dad in his line drive for the White House. "Although," the former Massachusetts governor quickly reminded, "I'm not now pro-choice." To which Giuliani blew a loud raspberry and stage-whispered, "Been there, done that, got the wet T-shirt."
Mike Huckleberry (R-AR) desperately tried to remind the candidates that Ronald Reagan (D&R CA)--who'd played many a warrior, sports hero and a US president with convincing skill--had warned on his deathbed that Republicans should never attack Republicans. Whereupon, Giuliani shot a spit wad across the room at Huckleberry. It missed, ricocheted off Tancredo--known as the Green Card Monster of Politics--and caught former TV star Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson (R-NBC) square in the jowls. As moderator Chris Mathews waded into the GOP meltdown, Huckleberry pleaded to the camera for comity, quoting Martin Luther King: "Can't we all just get along?" McCain pulled down his catcher's mask, leaped atop his rostrum and howled: "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" ***
Luckily, for the GOP, no one was watching as the nation's TVs were set to witness Boston beat the beans out of Cleveland 11-2. Tancredo (R-CO), however, mumbled something about the National League champion Colorado Rockies being unbeatable. He then weighed into the fight hoping to collar an illegal immigrant among the candidates.
*Woodstock, for those who can't forget...or remember, will soon be re-immortalized thanks to a million-dollar taxpayer grant for a Woodstock Museum, compliments of HillyBilly Clinton (D-NY)
**Actual quote
*** © Galaxy Quest, used without permission by the McCain Rebirth Campaign
Dateline: River City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, BPNN (Blog Party News Network) (TM), all rights returned.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Iowa Caucus Round Up the Usual Suspects

What We Know So Far (in Cliffs Notes depth) of the Front Runners and Boot Lickers

Can't keep track of the presidential hopeful field of dreams? No problem. We can't either, and here in Iowa the truth is, we don't really pay much attention until Caucus night, and by then we vote for whatever candidate brings the best caramel rolls. But for political junkies outside the ethanol belt, here's how Iowans see the Red and Blue lightweight contenders:

Senator Brownbag (R-KS?): Out and not missed, because we weren't really sure which one he was. Kept confusing him with Governor Huckleberry. One's from Kansas and the other from Arkansas, although on mailings the abbreviation for Arkansas (AR) was often mistakenly printed as AK, which is Alaska, and there's just no way Iowans will vote for anyone from a state that a) is colder than Mason City and b) gets more federal subsidies.

Governor Huckleberry (R-AK?): We think he's the one who's not Tancredo. Big eyes, never appears in a bathing suit due to stretch marks but a mean-ass bass player. Promises to eliminate income taxes (which doesn't get him the CPA vote here) and wants all US citizens to due push-ups. Bottom line: Huckleberry is on the way out. Still, dynamite bass man. Shame.

Tancredo (R-CO): Not since Lyndon LaRouche have so many Iowans been so...what's the word...? Scared of a Johnny-one-note political cartoon. Note to Tancranko: We don't really care that much about immigration. Many Iowans come from immigrant stock, yah, you be bechya. Tancredo: never in, so Out.

Senator Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson (R-NBC): We love this guy. Not since Professor Harold Hill sang and danced his way into Marion the Librarian's bloomers, have Iowan's taken to a conman with such enthusiasm. But, as we like to say in River City, "He's got Trouble...with a capitol T that rhymes with P and stands for Polls, my friends. They lie. We lie. Iowans love to lie to the big-city pollsters who call us up during chore time askin' who we's gunna caucus fer. We lie. We'll keep Thompson alive just 'cause he's kinda funny to Ed Sullivan with a southern accent. In the end: Thompson is cancelled. We'll still watch him in reruns, though.

Obamalamadama (D-CHI): We dig this guy, want to hang out with him in smokey blues joints off downtown Des Moines. Not quite the bass man as Huckleberry, but smoooth with three ooo's. We're told he's black, and Iowan's are famously comfortable in our multi-cultural skins. Those who aren't, quietly note that he's also half-white. Either way, we like Obamalamadama...but don't expect too many to actually vote for him. Shame, he's probably the best of the lot.

Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY/AR/DC...): While Obamalamadama may only be half-black (or half-white, depending upon your Rorschach view) Hillary is all woman. We think. Frankly, she's scares some of us, so we'll probably vote for her in open caucus. Which means she'll win the Iowa Caucus, go on to scare the tar outa New Hampshire and South Carolina (but not Nevada) and win the nomination. Once we Iowans get into the secret voting booth, however, we'll vote for whatever plastic bobble head the Republicans offer.

Edwards (D-NC/IA): Johnny has been in Iowa so long he's become un-noticeable, except for those stupid blue jeans. No one in real Iowa wears jeans that fit like that. The average Iowan (male or female) has a 43 waistline. Off-the-Walmart-rack, you can only buy size 42 or 44. That means Iowa women look like summer sausage extruding from their undersized jeans while the male crowd flops around in Depression-era pants with plenty of comfort zone for emergencies. Here's the deal, though: Johnny Edwards' one theme is poverty. Hello, FDR? Iowans are raking in the federally subsidized ethanol dollars lately and don't care to be treated as Lil' Abner characters in the Edwards passion playground. 'sides, Freddie Boom-Boom does a better good-ole-boy drawl.

Dodd (D-CT/Fenway Park): Rhymes with "God." Great hair. Drinks beer. Served in the military. What's not to like? We'll find something and, like Biden, the other truly qualified candidate in this hog race, we'll dump him.

Bidentime (D-DE): Funny guy. Won't shut up, but funny. Smart, too. Won't shut up. Like Dodd, knows a lot about foreign policy, like, fer instance that the Iraq war thing didn't work out so well. Plan to undo that mess? Not invade Iraq again. Voter response: See Dodd.

Giuliani (R-NYC): Like Tancredo, Rudy The G-Man Giuliani is a one-hit wonder. Yeah, he was mayor of NYC when it was attacked...SIX YEARS AGO! Since then, he's gone through almost as many political and social conversions as Iowa's least favorite candidate...

Mitt The Kid Romney (R-UT, MA, MI): In purple trucks, weighing in at whatever weight gets him the most support for the bucks he's slathered on Iowa (a state that appreciates out-of-town subsidies). Mitt and Sons, LLC has all the charm to Iowans as someone trying to impersonate Prof. Harold Hill. Hey, Mitt, if you're gonna con, get a better song and dance. But, keep buying that air time for your Leaver It To Beaver TV ads. Iowa media like the revenue stream. Bottom line: we'd vote for Eddie Haskel or Lumpy Rutherford before Romney. And it's not just because of that whole Larry Craig thing, either. We found that rather amusing, because Iowans have long had our suspicions about Minnesota. I'm just saying...

Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY): Did I mention she really scares us? In a recent secret poll by David Yawpson, Politics as Entertainment Editor of the Des Moines Register/Picayune, 78% of Iowa males likely to caucus, said that Hillary reminded them of their junior high school vice-principal. That same poll showed that 89% of Iowa males likely to caucus, who'd attended Catholic school, said that Hillary reminded them of the "a mean nun who knows what naughty thoughts you harbor."
McCain: Tired, beat up, getting a little short-tempered... That's how Iowans' feel about McCain's constantly reemerging campaign. Although, we do like his Galaxy Quest motto: "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" Still, we admire the old warrior, and where we might view Hillary as the evil vice-principal, Mr. McCain is the principal who wants to catch us smoking by the dumpster. With respect, Senator: Time's up.

Kuspinich (D-OH!): Remember, America, we Iowans get to vote first, so if you don't buy our ethanol--and we mean in big boatloads--or send us a serious candidate we just might caucus Dennis Kuspinich onto your ballot.


Dateline: River City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, BPNN (Blog Party News Network) (TM), all rights reserved for possible revision.

*Margin of error +/- 100%. Yes, caucus is used as a verb.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

FaceBlog: Iowa

What a Long Strange Trippi It's Been
Remember this cool statement? “As far as the Internet, this is still the wagon trains coming across the prairie...Everyone is still a pioneer out there. Everything is learn by doing it.”* Joe Trippi--who rode herd on the Howard Dean Dream Scream Team to political Armageddon in the Iowa 2004 Caucus, and should not be confused with Joe Torre who is rumored to being considered as the new manager of the Rudy The G-Man Giuliani campaign 2008--predicted in April, 2007 that Iowans would embrace the promising technology of ox-drawn political metaphors, thus stampeding like so many dumb heifers in support of his man, Johnny I Wear Farmer Pants Edwards. What Trippi and many outsiders never grasp about Iowa is that the real 19th Century wagon trains may have moved on to the West Coast, but Iowa was settled by pioneers who, after crossing the Mississippi River and seeing all that prairie stretching to the horizon, looked around and said, "Screw it. This is far enough." They then held a Steak Fry (TM) and built a mighty tollgate to any future presidential hopefuls trying to cross the mid-continent bridge to the White House (TM) . **
Apparently, after some reflection, and the prospects of an old-fashioned Hawkeye butt-whoopin' come January, Trippi has conceded that: “Dude, it’s clearly true, you know, like, blogs and Web sites, and even some of the, like, cool stuff that our team is, you know, doing in like Iowa, has got less of an impact in Iowa.” ***
Well, Mr. Trippi, that ain't yellow matter custard dripping from this campaign dog's eye, it's, instead, Iowa ethanol-boosted pride that opposes forced high-tech impact on the low-tech state. Every candidate should memorize the Iowa state motto: "Ibbin nicht gotsum; nibbin nebus needsum" or: "If we don't got it, we don't need it."
* Actual quote: NY Times October 12, 2007 ©
** White House is a trademark property of Haliburton, used without permission.
***Actual quote (if you remove the "likes" "you know" and "Dude") © (Oct 12, 2007 NY Times)
Dateline Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), ©, all rights revered.