Friday, November 23, 2007

Musharraf Tosses Helmet in Iowa Caucus Ring

Iowa Caucus Race In Turmoil!

In a shocking special session Thanksgiving decision, the nation's highest court ruled that President-General Perezzzzzz Musharraf (R-PK) could reelect himself to the nation's highest office. Reaction from the White House was supportive: "He's a good man," President Bushcheney said while serving turkey and dressing to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (TM) at Camp David (TM) as the musical troupe prepared to deploy to Iraq, in what has been viewed as an effort to derail former Governor Mitt Romney's (R-MA) influence in the Iowa Caucus. The President then added with a smirk (TM): "(But) Mufassa (sic) needs to take off his uniform."


It took a week or so to translate "take off his uniform" into a workable phrase that the Pakistani General/President could accept, and with speechwriters still on strike, the White House was forced to outsource the translation to a Karachi firm, which apparently found just the right wording, because, today, Musharraf stood before his Parliament in civie skivvies and a NY Yankees baseball cap. With his voice echoing through the great hall, he said: "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth, oh yes, thank you very much, indeed." Musharraf then donned Johnny Edwards designer campaign blue jeans (TM) and announced his candidacy for the President of the United States.

Reaction in Iowa, the First-In-The-Nation Caucus State (TM), was swift-boat fast. "Now that Musharraf has entered the race," the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpson announced on his syndicated TV program, The Barbaric Yawp, "this changes the entire equation." Yawpsun--himself struggling in the wake of the writers strike, now in its seventh week--proceeded to illustrate his analysis on an erasable board using non-union phrases such as "it's a whole new ballgame," and "proof that Iowa voters are an independent-minded lot." He seemed to be on the verge of saying "as we go forward," when Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, took the microphone and said that "there were serious issues and questions regarding Mr. Musharaff's candidacy. Do we know anything about this guy? Is he really an Iowan or just pretending? I want bona fides."
The question seemed moot as the Internet was already awash with rumors that Musharaff was a "Mormon," and conservative radio host, Surge Windbag, rallied his WHO-Knewsradio audience to throw its support behind Chicago Senator Obamalamadama because, as Windbag seemed to imply (or we inferred), "he's no Mormon." Later, station owner, Don Imus, expressed shock and regret at Windbag's remarks and promised that former General President Musharaff would receive a big, friendly Iowa welcome and a seasonal "Ho-Ho-Ho!"
Elsewhere in Iowa, the Huckleberry (R?-AR) campaign--which has been surging in recent polls much to the candidate's own surprise and Romney-Rudy's collective chagrin--expressed, through his campaign spokesman and former Iowa Senate pro tem, Danny Carroll, moral concern about run-on sentences and Musharaff's ability to lead the United States: “I think it just causes some uneasiness as to how somebody is going to respond when heavy responsibility is placed on them. I think the Christian would like to know that the person has a strong anchor and prays to the God of the Bible (TM).”* Bibles of the God © were then dropped from a circling USAF C-130 cargo plane onto the Iowa masses undecided about which God endorsed which candidate. Those not enraptured by the message were rendered unconscious. "The Christian," Carroll referenced was unavailable for comment.
dateline: Turmoil, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party Muse Network ©, all rights returned for deposit.
* actual quote: NY Times November 28, 2007

Monday, November 12, 2007

Writers Strike At Clintons Iowa Campaign

With The United Brother and/or Sisterhood of Amalgamated Speechwriters, Seamfitters and Lollipop Leaguers still on strike, presidential campaigns across Iowa are spinning out of control as candidates' aides desperately comb local colleges for any unused words. Aides in the Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons' Brigade took a page from the FEMA self-examination book and allegedly coaxed a Grinnell College Student to toss the New York senator a slow pitch during a recent campaign stop. "Um, Ms. Senator Clintons, like, um, if you were to um, you know, like, should get, um, like elected or even caucused?"
Senator Clintons immediately picked up the ball and launched into a practiced speech on motherhood, clean air and her evolving views on water-boarding. She then vanished in a puff of smoke while a deep voice, rumored to be from Billy, her darker half, warned the suddenly terrified Grinnellkins to "Ignore the words behind the curtain." Unfortunately for the Clintons a reporter from the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Inc. persisted in pulling back that curtain and discovered that the student's questions was a plant, a dupe, a patsy, I tells ya, and the Hilly/Billy campaign knew all along.
A campaign staffer immediately stopped the BPNN investigation by invoking the Moving Forward immunity card: “It’s not something we do,"* Mr. Elleithheeheehee smugly announced.
"What, water-boarding?"
"No, planting questions," Elleithheeheehee continued unfazed. "It’s not an 'official' campaign policy.” He seemed to punctuate his 'statement' with air quotes and then elaborated on Clintons' My dog didn't bite you, but if it did, it wasn't my dog campaign rationale: “But it is now an 'official' campaign policy that we will not do this moving forward.” **
There it is. Once a candidate "moves forward" there's nothing anyone can do, especially in Iowa, a state with the motto: A Place To Go Forward © . As though to emphasize the hopelessness, Grinnellkens saw Senator Hilly/Billy turn over an over sized hour glass and declare, "Only eight weeks to Caucus time, my pretties...!" Her cackling laugh terrified second tier candidates cowering in a nearby shrubbery.
In a usual display of rehearsed pluck, candidate Johnny Edwards (D-ESQ) announced, "Wait! I just might have an idea..."
(to be continued?) ***
dateline: Emerald City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network, (BPNN) ©, all rights temporarily wronged.
*Actual quote from Elleithheeheehee, NYTimes, November 12, 2007
** ibid
*** Not if you vote first and Vote Iowa Blog Party!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Writers Strike Enters Week 2 in Iowa Caucus

Candidates Speechless!
With presidential hopefuls wandering wordlessly across freshly harvested Iowa cornfields in desperate search for quips and original thoughts, neither party can deny the effects wrought by the Speechwriters Guild strike, now entering its second week and causing even Blog Party News Network (BPNN) writers to resort to excessive adjective build-up, camp metaphor and lack of sentence-ending punctuation..."We're reduced to using an ellipse at the end of every darn sentence..." said David Yawpson, the Politics-As-Entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, where staff writers--although not Guild members, themselves--refuse to cross striking writer picket lines, "Unless there's, like, an exclusive, you, interview just sitting there," Yawpson admitted while flashing his boyish grin, recognizable by viewers of his hit PBS TV series, The Barbaric Yawp...and with no end to that sentence in sight, we're forced to shift to a new paragraph.
Seemingly unaffected by the Writers Strike (TM) is former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckleberry, who's amassed a war chest of words, most from Ye Olde Testament! © and therefore considered, by some, to be in public domain. When confronted by fellow self-proclaimed conservative alternative to Rudy The G-Man Giuliani, Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order Thompson pulled out all the metaphorical stops and stopped just short of calling Huckleberry a "Hillary" by, instead, labeling him a “pro-life liberal.”*
Bold talk for a one-term fat man, but former fat man Huckleberry, dressed in flowing robe and sandals shot back: "Lo! Verily though the Writers Guild beith on strike, and Fred doth struggle to get some lines,” he paused to allow the swelling masses to catch up on his march across the vast Iowa landscape, “Whoever doth put such line together doth writeth for the comedy and, verily, not for a serious political drama.”**
Outside a nearby MaidRite (TM) cafe, a bush burst into flame.
Dateline: Ecclesiastes, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, Blog Party News Network ©, all rights conferred by a First Amendment-loving God.
*True quote. Unbelievable but true.
**Actual quote...well, close to the actual thing. Go to and judgeth for thine self:

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Pat Robertson Comes Out...

...For Rudy!
In a stunning, and might we add--bold--display of political in-your-faceness, the Rev. Pat Robertson, who takes his orders directly from a gay-fearing God, ordered his Christian Broadcasting Network to get behind the pro-Choice, pro-Gay, New York City candidate. Why?
“Rudy’s a very good friend of mine,” Robertson admitted. *
To which we at BPNN say, "You go, Pat! You go!"
Maybe this time, he will.
Staff editorial, Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights no doubt condemned by Pat Robertson.
* Actual quote. For complete text of Pat Robertson's gushy relationship with the tough-talkin' Manhattan Mayor, go to: November 8, 2007.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Writers Strike At Iowa Caucus

Pols Dumbstruck as Ratings Plummet
Iowans awoke today to the consequences of the Writers Guild strike when the state's favorite reality program Democrat Party! © was removed from the Fox TV lineup and replaced by reruns of Ronald Reagan's hit 1980s series, Mornin', America! ©
"It's a nightmare," The Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-As-Entertainment-Editor, David Yawpson, remarked before a taping of the his weekly PBS series, The Barbaric Yawp. He then seemed stuck for words and stared blankly at this reporter until finally repeating, "It's a nightmare." Sweat was noticeable beneath his two-day old makeup, the result--this reporter can only conclude--from the Local Brotherhood of Makeup Artists and Seam Fitters (LBMASF) refusing to cross the writers' picket line that stretched around the public TV facility.
Effects from the writers walkout continued to be noticed across the Hawkeye state as presidential campaigns sputtered and stalled in small towns, where once glib politicians, armed by speechwriters, babbled aimlessly about Iraq, taxes and ethanol. With their writers on strike, they had to babble unassisted. It was ugly.
Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY, AR, IL), appearing in Iowa's famed Amana Refrigerator Colonies, feigned laryngitis and shrugged as reporters shouted questions. At her husband's suggestions, she managed a smile.
Senator Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order Thompson (R-NBC), currently floundering on the Iowa campaign trail even with the best Hollywood writers, was silenced mid-sentence while appearing at a Conservatives Against Everything rally in Waterloo. A quick-thinking aide noted the impending disaster and instantly reprogrammed the Senator to replay his role of the president in Hunt For Reds in October. The right-wing crowd seemed relieved and joined in Thompson's Marxist campaign song, "Whatever it is, I'm Against it!" *
Senator Obalamadama (D-CHI) didn't seem ruffled by the Writers Guild strike. "Read this," he quipped through cigarette smoke as he tossed an Iowa Code (law book) at this non-striking writer. "Iowa's a right-to-work state, man." My blank stare caused the senator to elaborate. "Dig it: I can use non-union writers here, and there ain't nuthin' the Guild can do or think about it." Appearing later that evening before the League of Homeless Voters in Ames, Iowa, Obalamadama launched into his non-union speech aimed at his nearest competitor, Senator Johnny Edwards (D-NC, LLC): "He wear no shine...He got holy roller...(But) He one mojo filter!" Pausing briefly to savor the applause, he drove home his message: "I am the walrus...coo-coo-ca-choo!" **
Former Governor Rudy The G-Man Giuliani (R-NY) smiled when asked if the writers' strike would negatively impact his plans to invade any country ending in an. "No way," Rudy dismissed the question. "I don't need no stinkin' script, I got Pat Robertson on my team--don't think that didn't cost me. 'sides, I memorized my line long ago." He then pushed away to work a crowd of adoring fans who chanted, "9-11...9-11...!"
Senator Joe Bidentime (D-DE), appearing before Cub Scout Troop 135 in Promise City, Iowa*** seemed least impacted by the writers' strike as he continued talking well past the strike deadline and his audience's bedtime.
Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), who claims to have never used professional writer staff, took the opportunity to resurrect an old script he's been trying to pedal for seven years. Impeach Cheney! was rejected by the Congressional Thought Control Committee but, in a move only possible in Iowa, was immediately scooped up by Rejection Slip Theater ©, which plans to turn the somewhat improbable storyline into a comedy. "Maybe add a dynamite dance number," RST's executive producer, Joe Pundzak, added when asked what could possibly be done to salvage the administration. When asked if he'd approve the Kuspinich radio musical, Rejection Slip Theater's host, Paul Berge, said, "I'm no writer; I just read the lines put in front of me."
Dateline: Denison, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights considered.
* Groucho Marx, gleaned under Fair Use, from Animal Crackers © 1930
** Yeah, Beatles ©. Whaddya expect from non-onion writers?
*** Real place in southern Iowa.

Friday, November 2, 2007

O, Mama--Obama Wanna Change!

There, it's on the table: "I think it is important for us to send a signal," Senator Obamalamadama (D-CHI) said after the butt-whuppin' he took in Philadelphia when he dared attack Senator Clintons during a taping of the Fox-TV sitcom (1) , Democrat Party! © "That," Senator O continued, "we are not hellbent on regime change, just for the sake of regime change, but expect changes in behavior." *
That word, again--"behaviour." Clintons' behaviour has long been the whispered undercurrent of the Democratic Primary season. Party faithful know that to speak what must never be spoken (that the 30-year war between the two royal families: Clintons and Bushcheney cannot be allowed to go on) plays into media hands. "This thing, " Party capo regime, Dean Howard, recently noted at a secret meeting of Iowa Democrat leaders in a backroom of the West Des Moines IHOP **, "This si...silly thing cannot be allowed to go's unholy and stops here."
Obamalamadama apparently agreed and showed remarkably restrained courage--if not self-destructive political impulses--by cautiously signalling it was, perhaps, maybe, could be time for "regime change" or behaviour change, whatever. Hellbent or otherwise, the freshman senator has been losing muscle in Iowa polls, but his sudden willingness to lash out against Clintons, comparing her--as we interpret it--to Bushcheney, says something about the entire process. Frankly, what it says is beyond us. But playing the Behavioural Card (TM) is clearly a signal that something is afoot, begging the question: Plots has he laid? What other cards, we must ask, is the Chicago senator yet willing to play? Does he, like so many other Dems, suspect that Clintons may not be the real power behind the party and that the strings are being pulled by that shadowy political operative, Iowa's governor Chet Barzini? We can only speculate, because the facts stubbornly refuse to expose themselves to the sunlight of tough investigatory reporting without actually getting the facts. That said, we can only note that "regime change," may indeed, already be under way. Still, as party leaders stood to applaud what Obamalamadama called, "the peace we have made here today," this reporter can only wonder if the Clintons will calmly accept regime change or, once again, "go to the mattresses."
dateline: Corleone, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, © Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reserved, take the cannolis ©.
(1) Democrat Party! © a BPNN production, was recently cancelled by NBC and sold to Fox.
*Actual quote...although, upon reflection, the senator may have been referring to regimes other than the Clintons/Bushcheney 30-year war.
Iowa House Of Politics, a division of the International House Of Parody (TM) . Not a real quote.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Rudy's Mouthpiece Takes Biden Bait

Referring to Joe Bidentime as “The good senator,"* Rudy The G-Man Giuliani's communications director, Katie Levinson (rumored to be one of the ex-mayor's next ex-wives) signaled that the Giuliani team sees the Delaware senator as a clear and present threat in 2008 and not the also-ran as viewed by most Iowa Democrats.
Beyond being merely "good" Ms. Levinson went on to explain that Joe "is quite correct that there are many differences between Rudy and him.”* She then reached back two decades to Bidentime's failure to footnote sources in a Poli-Sci 101 term paper he'd handed in while still a sophomore in presidential politics: “For starters,” Ms. Levinson continued, “Rudy..." The casual, almost familiar, use of the the former mayor's first name should be noted here: "(Rudy) rarely reads prepared speeches..." *
Levinson then clarified that apparently when Rudy does read so-called prepared speeches "he isn’t prone to ripping off the text from others. And," she continued her attack with a metaphorical shift, "Senator Biden certainly falls into the bucket of those (at the recent Democrat Philly-Whup-Hilly debate) who have never had executive experience and have never run anything."*
In fairness, it should be noted that the Delaware senator had run for president in 1988, losing because of the improperly-cited (plagiarized) passage and the fact that his paper was not typed.
"Wait," Levinson then added, as though having an original thought, while turning to the next page in her prepared statement, "I take that back; Senator Biden has never run anything (wait for it...) but his mouth.”*
This neener-neener-neener comment seemed to signal the next phase of Rudy's campaign to win in Iowa, or at least be distinguishable from the other out-of-staters in gray suits posing in bean fields. Rudy's campaign supporters immediately held up signs reading Has Run More Than His Mouth! when to everyone's surprise, Ms. Levinson, pulled off her glasses, undid the top button on her Republican clothe blouse and announced: "I, Katie Levinson, have a better chance of becoming president than he does!” *
Rudy supporters looked momentarily stunned, but being well-trained, instantly dropped their Rudy placards and replaced them with lipstick red: Katie--A Better Chance!
In a faraway castle, atop a dark mountain shrouded in fog, Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons, surrounded by winged monkeys, watched the shifting images in her crystal ball and smiled. "We'll see about your 'better chance,' my pretty." Her cackling laugh sent shivers through all the Who's in Whoville, Iowa, who--unbeknown to her--slowly found the courage to stand up to her dinner-time robo-calls.
As for the Delaware senator, who had been polling in single digits in the Ethanol State, Joe Bidentime was scheduled to speak at the opening of a new IHOP (TM) (Iowa House of Politics ©) in River City, Iowa, ** but was, instead, spotted by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-As-Entertainment editor, David Yawpson, at a Kinko's copying parts of the Gettysburg address for his next stump speech.
Dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reworded.
* Actual lengthy Levinson statement taken out of context, because it's just too boring to run unedited with an imagined background and laugh track. To read the more-or-less complete text of Levinson's rant, visit NY Times Nov 1 edition.
** Real place and future birthplace of Captain James Tiberius Kirk
IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics, a division of the International House Of Parody (TM). Not affiliated with pancakes, international, domestic or otherwise.