Friday, June 29, 2007

Bloomberg Buys Iowa?: Correction

Corrections, Clarifications and Obfuscations:

"Phew, did we screw that one up, or what?" Blog Party News editor-on-the-lam, Artie Azzetti, said in a telephone interview with the Bloomberg News Cayman off-shore entertainment reporter, Kate Straus. Mr Azzetti, who sounded drunk at the time but attributed his political slurs to "iPhone lag" and not abuse of his reporter's expense account, went on to say that, upon further investigation--meaning he asked someone--it turns out that NYC Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg has not actually purchased Iowa, as first reported in the June 20, 2007 Blog Party News, but, instead, has merely leased the state "with an option to buy," once the whole Hilly/Rudy thing burns itself out at the upcoming Iowa State Fair where several of the TeleTubby (TM) Candidates are scheduled to compete for Iowa voter support in the annual Cow Chip Pitching Debate.

Azzetti also noted that former president, Bill Clinton, who is scheduled to crown this year's Pork Queen (TM), will warm up the crowd for Hilly by besting the fair's record in the Things-On-A-Stick Eating Contest on debate day. Iowa Public TV is expected to cover the event, although it's unknown at this time if IPTV's former Side Roads host will, again, be arrested for shameless on-camera mugging without a script. Sgt. Floyd Castle, of the Iowa State Fair Police Department, was not contacted for comment, but in the past has shown a zero-tolerance for such shenanigans.

Dateline: Grand Cayman Hotel, Suite 407b, knock first.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Bloomberg To Buy Iowa?

Hot Air or Trial Baboon?

In a move, described by Iowa's Governor 'Chet' Culvert, former lead banjo player for the Ioway Caucus Bluegrass and Ethanol Boyz, as "Weird but doable," New York City's billionaire mayor, Richard R. Bloomberg, 65, placed a bid to buy Iowa. "All of it," Chet remarked, "even the State Fairgrounds, which gotta be worth somethin'." In anticipation of the new ownership, Culvert ordered Bloomfield, Iowa to change its name to Bloomberg. "Make him feel welcome," Chet added.

Bloomberg, who was formerly a Republican and before that a Democrat and whose 2002 mayoral campaign song included the lyrics, "I'll take Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island, too..."©, has shown a remarkable ability to clean up after former NYC mayor, Rudy 'the G-Man' Guiliani, who was last seen on the presidential rapper circuit trying to outdo Mitt 'the Kid' Romney for the coveted "Most Flipped Stancedance Award" on FoxNews' Dancing With The Pols (TM).

During an interview on board his Gulfstream jet, flown by actor and pilot, John Travolta (I-NJ), Bloomberg elaborated on the rumors of his plans to purchase Iowa and the possible conflict with his management of NYC, LLC: “I believe this brings my affiliation into alignment with how I have led and will continue to lead my city.”* Mr. Bloomberg’s use of "my city," reminded this reporter of Frank Sinatra (D-NJ later R-CA), and, therefore, should be considered by readers to be an endorsement of the Bloomberg campaign.

In a Bloomberg press release, not yet released, the candidate said: "...good ideas should take precedence over rigid adherence to any particular political ideology.” *

When confronted by that statement at a group debate sponsored by the Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP) in Shinola, Iowa, most of the other TeleTubby (TM) candidates stared blankly, some looked afraid and one (Mickey McCain) remarked, "What are good ideas? Nobody told me we're supposed to have those...Sh**, you pay people for ideas, only to find out you're supposed to have good ideas." He then scowled at the cameras and said, "Well, I can get good ideas, too."

When hearing that Bloomberg might outspend her, TeleTubby (TM) candidate, 'Hilly' Clinton, is reported to have smirked, and then on her husband's advice she forced a smile, although she appeared to be not amused.

Candidate Joey Bidentime was contacted on the campaign trail at the Des Moines Interdenominational Airport (KDSM) where he was removing his shoes for TSA screening: "Bloomberg? Is he the guy with the jet plane? Cool...hey, he knows Travolta doesn't he? You ever seen Travolta do that dance in Pulp Fiction? I taught him that move. Dude, watch me!" Bidentime then proceeded to attempt to Twist (TM) but was immediately escorted to a secure area of the terminal for further examination. Travolta, when not reached for comment, might've blamed Bidentime's behaviour on "drugs."

Governor 'Chet' Culvert reminded reporters that his last name ends with a 't' "They call me, Mr. T!" he added and then pittied the fool who might forget.


Dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam
*Actual quotes. For full story see: NY Times June 20, 2007 or your podiatrist if irritation persists.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Edwards Surges to Left Out in Iowa

In a startling revelation, athwart the ethanol fields of Iowa dreams, TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Eddy 'the Hairman' Edwards, esq., remarked: “You’ve got a woman running who is a very serious candidate!" Apparently shocked (shocked) that a woman could be serious, and having sprayed Diet Mountain Dew (TM) across this Tipton, Iowa (pop 23) audience of casually dressed--one might say, populistly dressed--Edwards loyalists, the struggling Democratic candidate went on to note that besides a "woman" in the race: "You have an African-American candidate running who is new and dynamic.” * His campaign drummer rolled off a rimshot to emphasize the absurdity of anything either new or dynamic coming from the Democratic field, while Eddy adjusted his collar in a practiced Johnny Carson wait-for-the-laughter move. He's still waiting.

Barack Obamalamadama's media afterimage manager, Rev. Al 'the Sharpie' Sharpton, subsequently challenged Eddy's contention of a new dynamism in a court filing and accompanying MTV video, stating, "Barack is mainstream! Mainstream! Mainstream!"

TeleTubby candidate Joey Bidentime, participating in the Hy Vee Triathlon (TM) in Des Moines, was reported to complain: "What gives? When I mentioned that Obamalama-what'sinaname was 'new and dynamic' (he didn't), everyone jumped all over me." He then adjusted his tie and rolled his eyes while adding, "I don't get no respect." That much was verified. He finished well back in the pack at the Triathlon.

Sources report that "New 'n Dynamic" (TM) is the untested campaign slogan for New Diet Lite Mountain Dew.


*actual quote out of context. For full story as seen by the NY Times go to:

Friday, June 15, 2007

UN Pol Fakes Death To Avoid Iowa Poll

Claiming death might interfere with his campaign plans, former United Nations secretary general and self-absolved wartime Nazi intelligence officer, Kurt Waldheim, 88, withdrew from the nearly pointless Iowa Straw Poll (TM) . Speaking through a spokesperson and channeler, the late Austrian pol is reported to be spending "more time with his family" in a cemetery outside Vienna.

Austrian-turned-governor-of-California, Arnold Schwartzadrupen, was not reached for comment and is not considered a viable alternative to Waldheim in the Iowa Straw Poll (TM), although in a recent Shinola Register-Tattler/IHOP Poll*, the California governor clocked in 4 points higher than Senator Mickey McCain of Arizona (+/- 5 pts). McCain consistently polls slightly behind an undeclared bale of straw.

World leaders were quick to offer measured stunned silences on this announcement. The undeclared straw bale, however, issued a statement saying: "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Waldheim family and victims of Nazi tyranny."


*IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics (TM)

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Mitt 'The Kid' Unleases Iowa Surge

Dog Days Ahead for the 'Ethanol State,' Campaign Global-Warming Opponent Warns...

dateline: Des Moines; Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam

“We’re in the dog days of summer!" John Weaver, Mickey McCain's chief political adviser, warned spectators (mostly reporters) at the unveiling of a statue of Mitt 'The Kid' Romney at the Iowa State Fairgrounds ( Mitt's chiseled image, 150% life-size and made of clay, is part of a multi-million-dollar media campaign to shock and/or awe Iowa voters. The TV onslaught, which comes six weeks before the traditional political monsoon season begins during the Fair, unnerved some reporters who already had vacation plans. "Most of us were headed to Branson (Missouri) for Jimmy Osmond's Salute To Iowa's Side Roads stage show," David Yupson, political entertainment critic for the Des Moines Register, complained. "We had tickets...and really swell rooms." Yupson, in an unusual show of editorial grit, challenged The Kid's campaign to explain its strategy. Yupson politely shouted: "Iowa's 'Dog Days' (TM) don't officially begin until the Des Moines Dog Obedience Club (TM) hosts the annual summer event in August." He then emphasized, "At the Fair and not on tel-o-vision!" (so) "Just what does Mitt's organization think it's doing?"

Yupson was silenced by conservatively dressed Mittian campaign volunteers who rushed through the crowd handing out free cardboard cutouts (80% life size) of the candidate posing before a 1968 Ford Mustang muscle car while giving a thumbs-up to the viewers.
Weaver then tried to undermine Mitt's campaign surge by explaining in Mickeyian terms that: “It would be like, if on a busy intersection, a hamburger chain puts up a store, and they’re the only hamburger chain around. People would buy their hamburgers there, but after a period of time, Burger King and McDonalds move in, and the hamburger chain wouldn’t do as well.”*

No one understood, or was listening at this point, and, with The Kid's Koolaid consumed, reporters, including this one, who'd run out of commas, then stared at Mitt's cardboard poster image and agreed, "Dude, he does look so presidential."
Only then were hamburgers served to Iowa's news-hungry Fourth Estate.


* Actual quote. For the full NY Times story go to:

Monday, June 11, 2007

Tony Soprano Enters Iowa Caucus

In what he sees as "a real threat to Homeland Security, LLC (TM)," embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, promised to get to the source of Sunday night's finale to the long-running NJ campaign of Tony Soprano (D-Passaic Co). Soprano, who couldn't be reached at his Park Ridge home, but was found at nearby Marcy's Tavern, is reported to have replied, "F***, 'em," I'm retired and goin' into national politics; (it) worked for Fred Thompson." He was referring to actor turned Republican front runner, Sen. Fred Thompson of NBC. A map of Iowa was visible on the wall behind the bar, where Soprano spoke casually while thumbing through a packet of Iowa Caucus Flashcards (TM) depicting cows, hogs, straw bales and mugshots of the other candidates.

When asked about the Attorney Generalissimo's threatened investigation, Soprano, smiled, shrugged and ordered manicotti with clam sauce before noting, "I ain't the embattled one here." And as a nod to Iowa, he ordered a bottle of Iowa Vineyards' Dandelion Red. "Tastes like ethanol," Soprano said, "But I'm told ya gotta pretend to like it to stay in the race."


Sunday, June 10, 2007

Straw Pols Skip Iowa Staw Poll

Unable to avoid the inevitable pun, straw candidates, Mickey McCain and Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani, begged out of the self-declared, prestigious Iowa Straw Poll. Candidate Rudy's unofficial spokesperson told David Yupsen of the Des Moines Register, on a recent edition of Iowa Public TV's Iowa News Sorta: "Rudy isn't opposed to straw, per se, he just can't stand Iowa." Candidate Mickey in his usual direct, no-holds-barred style stared directly at Yupsen--who didn't flinch--and said, "Straw, hay, sorghum, it's all good, and I might add..." (ed note: he did add) "...there isn't a candidate in the pack, except me, who knows a bale of straw from Shinola." Shinola, of course, is the small college town in north-central Iowa where the 2007 Iowa Straw Poll traditionally is held as a kick-off to the town's Shinola Days. Shinola's mayor, Adrian Shoemaker, 19, a sophomore at Iowa State University, who became Shinola's mayor last year as part of a class assignment in her Poli Sci 102 course with Prof. Stephan Kavorkian, aka "Dr. Political Death," said, "Like, only candidate Mitt 'The Kid' Romney, like, offered to, like, attend the Straw Poll this year. Either that or, like, buy it. Whatever." A spokesman for Mitt said in an e-mail: "We're attending, oh we're attending, all right, just as soon as we can find the damn place. We've looked all over MapQuest (TM) and's near Boise, isn't it?"

Pundits speculate that the Straw Pols feared getting the stuffing knocked of their campaigns in Iowa, but this reporter suspects that reports--unconfirmed by the FAA--of Democratic candidate Hilly swooping over Shinola on a fiery broom screaming, "Afraid of a little fire, Strawmen?" might have played a role in the decision to skip Shinola altogether. Observers say her laugh was chilling, as were the flying monkeys who handed out refrigerator magnets promoting her web site.

Candidate Joey Bidentime, when reached at closing time at the Raccoon River Brewery and Grill in Des Moines said, "S**t, was I supposed to be on Iowa News Sorta? Was that today?"


Dateline, Des Moines: Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News editor-on-the-lam

Friday, June 8, 2007

Dems Stunned by G8 VladBomb

Undeclared candidate, Vladimir "Vlad-the-Impeller" Putin, stunned U-2 and G8 attendees in Germany yesterday by hinting that he might be "considering" forming an exploratory people's committee for a "possible" run at the White House. "These days, who isn't?" asked G8 host, Bono, who was sitting in for President George II (G2), who couldn't attend the working breakfast after allegedly vomiting during a pre-breakfast briefing, conjuring memories of his father's (G1) unfortunate 1992 encounter with a Japanese Prime Minister, as well as fanning speculation that he might be pregnant.
"Of course I am an absolute, pure democrat," Vlad quipped while signing autographs at a local Barnes unt Noblesse bookstore in the upscale former East Berlin Checkpoint Charlie shopping district, where he's promoting reemerging Russian ambitions and his new memoir, When 'W' Looked Into My Soul (Randomthoughts Publishing, LLC). Aping opponent Rudy G's rapper delivery style, Vlad, wearing gold chains over a black turtleneck sweater and shoulder holster, went on to recite:
"But you know the problem?
"It's not even a problem...
"It's a real tra-ge-dy."
He then pushed his shades down his sharp nose as though to address viewers directly through the MTV cameras and continued:
"The thing is that...
"I am the only one...
"There just aren't any...
"Others in the world." *
Former Stasi bodyguards then hustled Vlad into an awaiting Trabant sedan, which, after some pushing, sped away in a cloud of blue, two-cycle smoke. Vlad Putin is scheduled to visit Iowa in August with stops at the Iowa State Fair and to open a new IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics TM) in Iowa City.
White House spokesman, Tony Snow, said there was no truth to rumors of the president's pregnancy and that the president and Vlad were still "good friends." Putin, he noted, "is even scheduled for a two-day sleepover at the Bush Ranch."


* Actual quote. For complete Putin stump speech go to:

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Editorial: Don't Mess With Bozo

To one of the Thompson Twins currently running for president: I must take offense at your (which ever of you two said it) statement in New Hampshire last night: “It’s a badge of honor to get attacked by some of these bozos.”

At long last, sirs, have you no shame? Is there no decency left in this quest for glory, this dash for the gold, this, this Sicilian thing?

Now, I'm no Bozo, but Bozo (aka "the Clown" (TM) Larry Harmon) was a friend of mine when I was growing up, and you, sirs, will never--ever--be Bozos!

I remain as always, somewhere in Westwood, New Jersey:
--Artie Azzetti
Editor-on-the-Lam, the Blog Party News

Republican TeleTubbies Spar in NH

TeleTuby Rudy, Whups on Mickey and Mitt
Dateline: Goofstown, NH

“It’s a typical Washington mess,” TT welter-weight, Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani in green trunks and red tie, called. Wide-eyed, he shook his taped fist at TT heavy-weight opponent, Senator Mickey McCain, in red trunks and blue tie, during the pre-fight weigh-in for the Republican's Rumble Into the Bungle presidential match-up held Tuesday evening at St. Elmo's College in Goofstown, New Hampshire.
“Everybody compromises," Rudy taunted, "four or five com-pro-mises." At this point it appeared Rudy was trying to rhyme: "And the com-pro-mises leave you with the following conclusion...." Rudy windmilled his arm as though readying a cartoon punch at Mickey, who stood quietly aside, grinning, yet coiled as Rudy danced about the room taunting:
"The litmus test you should have...
"For legislation is...
"Is it going to make things better?"
Rudy leaned into Mickey, both candidates restrained, now, by nervous handlers, aware that a third contender, TT lightweight Mitt 'The Kid' Romney had entered the room wearing boxer shorts and black tie.
Rudy sensing the upstart's appearance, turned on Mitt to finish his poetic diatribe:
"And when you look at these com-pro-mises..."
Mitt looked where Rudy pointed.
"It is quite possible...
It will make things worse.” *
Rudy then performed his patented double-shuffle dope-a-vote for the cameras and glared at Mickey and Mitt while singing: "You can't get me, I'm Ru-dy Gui-li!"

Later, when the actual bout began, all three contenders gut-punched themselves silly before a less-than-stunned audience of St. Elmo summer session students attending the event for Poli-Sci credit.

*Actual quote. Full text of the "debate" can be read at NY Times:


Tuesday, June 5, 2007

God Declares For Dems

God, aka: "The Lord," Crosses Aisle to Become a Democrat
dateline: Keene, NH

Not since the early 1960s, has God "The Father" (not affiliated with 'The Godfather' (TM) Paramount Pictures) thrown his weight behind a presidential candidate. "Yeah," his son, Jesus, remarked when reached in Branson, Missouri, "Dad had a lot vested in the Kennedy bunch, but that soured after Bobby..." After a pause, he continued, "He made some inroads into the Republican Party, but, you know how that whole Pat Robertson thing got outa hand..." Again his voice trailed off before concluding, "So he's a Democrat now, although, God knows why. Look, I gotta run, Glen Campbell's due on stage and without me he's got nothing."

The switch from Red God to Blue God was announced last night during the Democratic Candidates' Debate at the IHOP Theater in Keene, New Hampshire. Moderator, Sean Penn, asked candidates to, "Explain in your own words why George W. Bush is evil." Candidate John Edwards was first on the button offering, "I'm glad you asked that question, Sean. As you know, I've long supported God, and now God has announced his support for not only me," Edwards pointed to his own chest before indicating his fellow candidates lined up like TeleTubbies on stage, "but for the Democratic Party as a whole."

Candidate Barack Obama, who'd momentarily ducked behind the rostrum to light a cigarette, took immediate umbrage when he mistakenly assumed that Edwards, an attorney, had called Obama, also an attorney, an "a**-a-hole." After a brief scuffle during which Hilly took the microphone to sell health insurance, and Joey Bidentime made jokes about Edwards' hair--none of which this reporter got--calm returned. Senator Chris Dodd, whose name rhymes with "God" looked stern and, frankly, Godlike with his white hair, throughout.

God 'The Father' could not be reached by any candidate for verification of the endorsement.


Sunday, June 3, 2007

Clinton Serves It Up in Iowa

Hilly, Self-proclaimed TeleTubby Front Runner, Two-Steps at Iowa Pol Potluck

Proving, once again, that she has a long way to go before winning Iowa's uncommitted hearts, Hilly, appeared at the Iowa Blog Party's Candidate Pot Luck held in the Odd Fellows Hall in Cedar Rapids on June 2, with what she referred to as a "casserole" of ideas. The crowd--polite Midwesterners all--quietly gasped at the faux pas. "This is a potluck," Jane C. Freber of Muscatine, remarked on the serving line. "Hilly should know (that) you bring a 'hot dish' to a pot luck, not a casserole." Freber then scooped a small portion of scalloped potatoes onto her paper plate while quietly noting to her husband, Frank, that the edges weren't crisp. "Half-baked," he agreed. The Frebers had recently lost their home to a tornado and said that they appreciated Hilly's show of concern, aware that her "casserole" had--as Hilly noted twice in her opening comments--indeed, arrived sooner than FEMA. Still, as Mr. Freber noted, "That's no reason to vote for someone." Mrs Freber quietly added, "At least she didn't try to hug us, like her husband kept doing." Mr. Ferber corrected his wife, "Hugged you."

A dance immediately followed the pot luck at which point Hilly redeemed herself by challenging fellow TeleTubby candidate, Rudy, to break dance on the gymnasium floor. Both Frebers agreed that Hilly out-danced Rudy. "Kicked his butt," Jane C. Freber commented. Coffee and sheet cake were then served. At 9 PM chairs and tables were folded and stored away as the candidates left for New Hampshire, all except John Edwards who stayed behind to be photographed folding a chair and handing it to a retired union iron worker who complimented Edwards on his hair and blue jeans.

For more details see the NY Times:


Friday, June 1, 2007

Iowa Blog Party Caucus Turns to Teletubbies

Mitt Declares: "I'm Not a TeleTubby!" And calls on Rev. Falwell to back him up.

Threatened by falling Iowa Caucus prospects as the Blog Party surges, Mitt Romney distanced himself from rumors of having once been a TeleTubby (TT) by reportedly saying that he may have dabbled in TeleTubbyism while in Spain but as Governor of Massachusetts, never personally condoned the movement. "However," Mitt was quick to add, "I have been a lifelong supporter of TeleTubbie's Second Commandment right to bare their arms."

Hillary and Rudy, long suspected of being TTs themselves, have refrained from comment.