Another Taylor Announces Candidacy

Readers may have noticed that the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) has been off the air since April. The reason is simple. We lost our password. Now that we have it back, we can report that The Clintons, LLC have agreed to leave the presidential race provided we pay them $10 million. "Cheap at half the price," BPNN comptroller, Edmond D. Feader said as he wrote the check after downing a fifth of Gentleman Jack. "Anything to get them off the front page." That's when BPNN--like conservative talk show host and draft dodger, Surge Windbag--discovered that without The Clintons, LLC we go nuthin'. Thankfully, a new candidate has tossed his hat--or flying helmet--into the ring.

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Richard L. Taylor (yeah, that Richard L. Taylor) has announced that he is the man to lead this country into the sunny uplands. We like him because he's a pilot, but non-pilots may like Taylor for more earthly reasons. To judge for yourself go to: http://www.news3online.com/

Send us your opinions about Mr. Taylor, and if they agree with ours, we'll post them. Until then, consider this a complete endorsement by BPNN and The Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP) of Richard L. Taylor for President of the United States of America.

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Dateline: Columbus, OH, Artie Azetti, editor-on-the-lam, BPNN

© 2008, BPNN, all rights refreshed

From Shock and Awe to Fragile and Reversible

Senate Lends Ear To the Front

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“We haven’t turned any corners," General Petraeus Maximus Iraqus warned Senators in the Forum yesterday about the state of the seemingly endless presidential campaign. "We haven’t seen any lights at the end of the tunnel.” His words, carefully chosen so as not to betray any personal political ambitions, were no doubt aimed at the three Senators--Clintonavia Minor, Obamamajoritus and McCainonized--all plotting to replace the flagging Emperor Georgeus Augustless. McCainonized defended his own, often rudderless campaign, by saying: “We’re no longer staring into the abyss of defeat, and we can now look ahead to the genuine prospect of success.”

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As unenthusiastic applause from Republicans quickly died away, Senator Clintonavia Minor rose to the dais to warn her challengers that her own policies could easily shift once again to suit her own purposes: “It might well be irresponsible to continue the policy that has not produced the results that have been promised time and time again.” Nearby in the shadows, her husband, former Emperor Williesgivesus, opened is robe front as though to expose plots to be laid, only this time it was a long knife he bared.

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Senator Obamamajoritus took his time adjusting his toga before addressing his own strategic faults, particularly his earlier failure to dispatch Clintonavia Minor, by saying only that it had been a “massive strategic blunder” on his part, one that surly he would not repeat.

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Lunch was then served, and all attended as the Senators competed in a game of ten pins, while Emperor Georgeus Augustless entertained the masses with stimulating song, stopping briefly to ask, "Does anyone smell smoke?"

No one did.

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....****

dateline: Rome 2008 CE, Artus Azzetti Scribinus, Blog Party News Network BPNN, ©, all rights in praise of the Emperor.

All quotes real and taken from NY Times, April 9, 2008 edition

Hillary Heads To Oz

To Ask Wizard For a Heart.

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According to today's NY Times The Clintons, LLC (TM) campaign strategist, Mark Penn--whose ancestors discovered Pennsylvania--has been allowed to fall on his sword for several strategy gaffes, chief among them Hillary's inability to win the nomination despite husband Bill's aide, but as The Times reported, Penn had one overriding fault: "Mr. Penn also early on resisted efforts to humanize Mrs. Clinton..."

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Insisting that Hillary is, or could be, human--depending on what the definition of "is" is--former President Bill Clinton announced that his running mate, Hillary, will finally take that yellow road all presidential hopefuls must crawl to Oz in order to ask the Wizard for, in her case, a heart. President Clinton noted that she'd better not "chill out," since chief rival, Obama, long ago made the journey and received his courage, plus, Senator McCain, who hasn't been seen since locking up the Republican nomination, is reportedly in Oz and close to getting an economic and foreign policy brain (with help from his tutor, Joe "Whisper In My Ear" Lieberman).

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The Lollipop League (r) superdelegates are at this stage uncommitted but given how much cuter Obama is than The Clintons, LLC (TM), BPNN polls indicate that independent Oz voters may cut Hillary loose and let her drift away....and that goes for her little dog, too.

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....****

© 2008, Dorothy, Ks., Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, all rights rescinded. Some irritation may occur.

Hillary Action Figure Shoots Self in Foot

Many presidential candidates have tried to claim the Ronald Reagan mantle—McCain by confusing Iran and Iraq, Romney by attempting the “ah shucks” pose and, now, The Desperate Democrat (TM), Senator Hillary Clinton, has taken a shot at faking one for the Gipper only to find her aim and memory a tad unreliable. In a recent press conference, Hillary faded into Reaganesque memory mode and thrilled reporters with her daring 1996 raid on Tuzla, Bosnia. Spinning a ripping yarn of the former First Lady dodging sniper fire, pulling hand grenade pins with her teeth while scooping an eight-year old child off the airport ramp, “Rocky” Clinton was determined to show voters that she—not McCain—was the tough guy, hinting that, perhaps, McCain’s war record paled in comparison to her Commando First Lady days.

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Anonymous sources now support Senator Clinton’s war memories and confirm that The Clintons, LLC, ™ Action Team has released a limited edition Hillary Action Hero Figure (TM), complete with eye patch, M-16, grenade launcher plus paste-on battle wounds and medals to compliment her Camouflage Pants Suits (White House 3 AM Red Phone sold separately).

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Insiders on The Clintons, LLC Delta Force hint that they may have uncovered evidence that Senator John McCain never served in the Navy, as he's claimed all these years and, "In fact," the unnamed source added, "We don't believe he was a POW in the Hanoi Hilton for five-and-a-half years but, instead was hiding in the Honolulu Hilton while The Clintons, LLC (TM) were fighting in Vietnam!" Senator McCain was in a special AP World Geo-Politics class given by Professor Joseph Lieberman and unavailable for comment until he'd done his homework.

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.....****

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Ralph Nader Picks New Running Mate?

Independent presidential candidate and fun hater, Ralph Nader, announced his new running mate today at a news conference held on the loading dock at Dunder-Mifflin Paper in Scranton, Pa., a state widely considered to be crucial in his campaign for the Nut House: “He’s experienced. He’s tested and fully vetted. And he’s the kind of guy who could deflect a lot of criticism from me,” Nader said to the assembled crowd of lunchtime workers who briefly stopped playing foursquare to listen to the 105-year-old candidate. “That is why I have selected Elliot Spitzer, lantern-jawed crime-fighter and former governor of New York, to be my running mate…that, and he seems to have some good lodging connections in Washington, DC, which should help with our transition team after the election.”
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Nader then took a question from BPNN reporter, Sharon Klontz, who asked if Ralph had seen a newspaper lately, hinting that, perhaps, his Spitzer choice might be untimely. “Don’t need papers,” Nader replied. “Nothing but obfuscations and monkey shines in the media. I determine my own truths.” Nader then attempted to force the foursquare players to wear safety helmets and goggles. When he subsequently found himself stuffed inside a dumpster Nader admitted that his campaign had hit a bit of a “speed bump,” but that he and his cause—yet to be determined—will still, as all politicians like to say when they have no cause—be “going forward.”
When asked why Spitzer was unable to attend the announcement, Nader replied, “His text message said something about ‘spending more time with his family.’ I like that. Shows character, donchya think?” He didn’t wait to hear what our reporter thought.

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© 2008, Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, all rights recycled. Discontinue use if rash persists.

Ralph Nader Challenges McCain To Race of the Ages

He'll Never Catch Me!

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In a surprise move, perennial presidential candidate and Corvair hater, Ralph Nader, launched his bid for President of the United States, much as other candidates, now forgotten, had--with a rally at the Iowa Sate Fairgrounds. Standing tall on a snowy stage, Nader addressed his supporter with a rousing speech about the benefits of a high-fiber diet and an expose on kitchen appliance that don't really make mounds of jullien fries. He stopped briefly to answer a question from the press corps, Sharon Klontz of the Jackson County FFA News: "Ah, Mister Neber, sir, what are you doing here? The Iowa Caucus was months ago and the Fair isn't until August."

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Ralph didn't flinch under the withering media scrutiny. "Why am I running?" his gestures seemed to reply. “If there was no other reason to run — other than the civil liberties, civil rights issue of ballot access — it’d be worth it.”* He then left the stage escorted by a homeless man pushing a shopping cart full of Nader For President '04 pamphlets with the '04 crossed out and '08 penciled in.

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Klontz, who has since been hired by the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), canvassed the crowd asking, "What do you think of Ralph Nader?" Justin Milsap of West Des Moines--the crowd--answered, "Um, I was, like, here for, you know, a job interview to run the Tilt-O-Whirl next season, and, like, I got lost, but something about this dude standing on, like, a stage, in the snow made me think he just might be the real thing." Milsap then added, "But he wasn't...Do you know where the Tilt-O-Whirl is?" She did.

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When asked about Nader's late entry into the '08 campaign, The Clintons, LLC (TM) scowled, Barrage Obama took notes, and McCain called Nader an old fart and that he was ready to fight him for a hundred years if that's what it took to convince his dear friends that he was a real conservative.

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..... *****

dateline: Des Moines, Iowa--again--Artie Azzetti and Sharon Klontz, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refried.

* real quote

Barrage Obama

Continues to Pound The Clintons' Camp

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Side-by-side, bloodied but unaware, on stage after yet two more primary defeats calculated to throw their opponent off guard, The Clintons, LLC (TM) released a joint statement: “This is the choice we face: One of us is ready to be commander in chief in a dangerous world,” Clinton #2 said. “One of us has faced serious Republican opposition in the past," Clinton #1 picked up. Then, in unison they concluded: "— and one of us is ready to do it again.” *

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It's now up to the voters in Texas and Ohio--possibly Pennsylvania--to decide which Clinton is ready. The crowd cheered on cue as The Clintons, LLC (TM) latest campaign theme song, "Do It To You One More Time" by the Captain and/or Taneal, blared over the PA system while The Clintons, LLC (TM) campaign manager, Howie Mandel, tazed the crowd into a frenzied stupor before the candidates once again boarded the candidates' Spare Change mother ship in their never-ending quest for the co-leads in Fox/TV's newest reality series, White House! ©

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....****

*actual quotes taken way out of context
dateline: Brewpub, Wi., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reordered.

Barbarella's Back

And She's Talkin' Dirty Politics

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--Editorial Staff

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Jane Fonda, long rumored to be the paramour of Rush Limbaugh--the 300-pound gorilla in any political room--let slip an unutterable utterance live, on the air, while appearing on NBC's Today yesterday…ah, the name of the show is Today, that is, and she was on it yesterday, which is not the name of the show. It just sets the timeline as not being today on Today, but, instead, yesterday when all her troubles seemed so far away. Well, Jane—if that’s, indeed, your real name—looks as though your troubles are here to stay after saying (if there are any children in the room, leave now), as the liberal media reported, “the c-word.”

Jane, 70, but not looking a day over 54, was promoting her new movie with co-star Sylvester Stallone, 75, Barbarella IV, the Rambo Years, when she mentioned that she would be appearing on stage with a lot of other famous old women in the long-running play, “The You Know What Dialogues.” But instead of saying "you know what," she chose to use “the c-word.” You know, the word that automatically got boys in trouble in middle school for saying it instead of, well, you know what.
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Fonda, who confirms BPNN's theory that Rush Limbaugh is not gay, was not publicly endorsing any presidential candidate—of which there are three, if you don’t count the kooks—but the septuagenarian actress--about the same age as McCain--who's never shied from controversy, has long been associated with political causes leaning toward the L-word persuasion (Liberal). So, we were surprised that it came as such a shock to yesterday’s Today host when Jane said, “I’m appearing in The C-Word Monologues!”
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This magazine wishes to take a stance. But in lieu of that, let us say that Ms. Fondue has shown courage and backbone—plus just a little cleavage and leg—by her willingness to use the C-word, instead of the more “Politically Correct” (in air quotes for emphasis) other word for, well, you know what. Therefore, the editorial staff—guys all—wish to say that from now on, it will be our policy to follow Jane’s lead in using the C-word. And with that we have reserved the second row seats for Jane’s opening night performance in “The Conservative Dialogues.” Limbaugh, reportedly, takes up the front row.

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Barbarella IV, the Rambo Years opens tomorrow at theaters everywhere and we'll be sure to get front row seats for that.

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.....****

Views expressed aren't necessarily those of the editorial staff and do not reflect actual research or command of the subject but are subject to change. Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights and seats reserved. ©

The Clintons Roll Out New Strategy

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Make 'em Think We're Losing--Then Spring the Trap!

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In a scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail, The Clintons, LLC (TM), faced yet another defeat in yesterday's primaries with the courage of the legless and armless Black Knight: “I’m tested. I’m ready. Let’s make it happen!” Hillary shouted in support of her husband's quest for the nomination. “We are going to sweep across Texas," she warned Democrats, "...bringing our message about what we need..."*

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The Clintons, LLC (TM), juggernaut only appears to be stalled after a string of inconvenient losses to their archrival, Barrage Obama, who was reported to be campaigning in his native state, Hawaii, while Hillary and Bill passed the campaign hat for gas money to refuel their Time For Spare Change campaign bus before heading to Texas. Donations were sluggish to the point that Hillary was about to once again offer to lend their campaign another $5 million, on "very attractive terms," a campaign staffer leaked to BPNN. "We're just waiting for the credit report to come back," he added. "Seems we can't loan large amounts of unsecured cash to subprime candidates anymore."

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The loan, however, proved unnecesary and cash flowed in as co-candidate Once-and-Future President Bill Clinton, led the Clintons For Spare Change cheerleaders in the campaign's new cheer:

"We're tested.

We're ready.

Let's make it...

Hap-pen!"

Mr. Clinton seemed ready, indeed, to make it happen until co-candidate, Hillary, forced him back on the bus, which immediately left for El Paso.

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*actual quotes taken way out of context

dateline: Waterloo, Va., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights rearranged.

Stimulus Package Jolts GOP and Dems

Recession Ends!

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In a rare kumbuya photo moment, Speaker Nancy Pelosi appeared on stage at the Viva Las Vegas Gaming By Government Convention beside Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., to announce the passage of the bi-partisan, bi-polar, by golly Economic Stimulus Package 2.0. “We are making history," the joint commission on spending other people's money declared while tazing a middle class taxpayer in effigy. "What has passed the Congress in record time is a gift to the middle class and those who aspire to it in our country.” *

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Reaction was immediate as dozens of taxpayers responded warmly to the "gift" from their government by announcing that they would immediatly borrow more on their already-leveraged homes and credit cards. "It's the only American thing to do," Janice Bellwether of St. Cloud, Mn. said when interviewed in the oxygen tent at the Mall of the Americas outside Minneapolis. "It supports the troops," she added. "And shows France that...that we're not France and are still number one as we Go Forward!" She then held aloft a large, foam, red-white-blue, made-in-Russia, #1 finger to punctuate her stance while chanting, "As we go forward! As we go forward!"

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Other grateful middle-class American taxpayers declared their love for Pelosi and Paulson Junior's "gift" by saying they'd buy more Indian car parts and Venezuelan oil.

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Survivors of the recent Super Taco Tuesday episode of America's Favorite Candidate ** were quick to share in the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior success. "I'm suspending my campaign," Willy Milton Romney announced just minutes before the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior Gift to America was announced, whereupon, Romney--going against tradition--changed his mind. "With my rebate, I will continue my campaign to become America's Favorite Candidate!" BPNN accountants did the math and figuring Romney earned no more than $75,000 in 2007, he should receive $1,200 (married, filing jointly) plus $300 per child, in rebates, which nets the Reborn Romney campaign roughly $123,000,000, enough to carry his message of conservative change to the Republican convention to be held in August at the Minneapolis Mall of the Americas.

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Candidate, and presumptive front-runner (the Dean sympton of an imploding candidacy), Mickey "I'm Really, Really a Conservative" McCain, voted for giving the "gift" to the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior masses--this, after originally not voting for it.

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Not to be outdone, The Clintons, LLC, fresh from their stunning primary victory in American Samoa, announced through an attorney that the stimulus rebate was their collective idea and that if they're elected, the gifts will be even bigger.

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Governor/Pastor Mike Huckleberry, of Arkansas, was unavailable for comment as he and Senator Obamalamadama were jamming all night at the Blue Note jazz club in Manhattan. A person-of-spokes for the Governor/Pastor/Bassman said, "Like, the Huckman, was, you know, so on the beat tonight playing his hit single, Down With the IRS...we're taking this mojo all the way to Mall of the Americas, dude."

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The IRS Director, Henry F. Potter, said that rebate checks should be in the mail as soon as financing was secured from the Bank of Mao in Beijing, and taxpayers should have their gifts in time to pay their 2007 taxes.

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* actual quote, NY Times, February 8, 2008

** FoxTV

dateline: Las Vegas, Nv., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refinanced.

Rudy Defeats Huckabee

Florida Race Fields The Winnows.

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Floridians forced an insight into Rudy The G-Man Giuliani's constantly-evolving campaign strategy by handing him a resounding victory over fellow GOP front-runner, the non-evolving Reverend/Governor Mike Huckleberry, in a race that has been likened--by those of us who didn't witness it--to Dewey v. Truman or Rocky v. Apollo Creed. Bloodied, but unevolved, Huckleberry, with his wife, Adrian, at his side, conceded to the former NYC mayor-turned-superhero by saying that he didn't want a rematch. Rudy graciously accepted Huckleberry's surrender and, then, stunned the Sunshine State voters, who'd braved 80-degree temperatures, by announcing that he'd quit the race and return to fighting international terrorism. In a flash, Rudy swirled his cape across his shoulders and leaped onto the lecture circuit at $100,000 a show. But before leaving the Floridians below to shuffle off to early-bird specials where they'd complain about the air-conditioning, he pulled yet another stunner and charged his supporters to rally behind anyone but Romney. And with that, Rudy was gone from the '08 race.

While Republicans hogged most of the headlines yesterday, Democratic candidate, The Clintons, LLC (TM), racked up another upset victory over front-runner, Barrage Obama, by continuing their strategy to campaign only in states that don't count. Hillary wasn't available for comment as she campaigned for her husband along the side roads of American Samoa. Bill, aware that his VP was out of sight, stumped in a Fort Lauderdale hot tub with Michigan State coeds auditioning for the new political reality Fox/TV series, Spring Break With The Candidates!.

.......*****

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dateline: Boca Subprimo, Fl., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights half-price before 6 PM.

Kennedys Don't Go For Clintons

GOP in Panic

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Conservative radio talk show host, Surge Windbag, abandoned his usual schoolyard bully tone as he shocked his 13.5 million listeners by pleading on air for The Kennedys--Senator Ted and JFK's daughter, Caroline--to reconsider their separate endorsements of Barrage Obama. "You must support Hillary!" Surge begged. "My whole career rests on her...(sniffle)...she's always been there for me...(whimper)...without Hillary," Windbag confessed, "I got nothing...(radio tears)...nothing....we'll be back after this..."

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When asked to comment on the Kennedy defection, The Clintons (TM) responded by saying, "I don't need 'em, I still plan on getting elected...oh, heh, just don't tell the wife, though." Hillary, who was campaigning in American Samoa, could not be reached for comment.

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.......*****

dateline: New York, New York, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights rerecorded.

The Clintons Whupped Good in SC

NASCAR State All Agog For...No, Not Her

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In a concession speech that can only be described as uninspiring--due, in part, to the ongoing Speechwriters Strike, now in its eight year--suddenly-second-tier presidential hopeful Bill Clintonredux, congratulated his opponent, Barrage Obamalamadama, and refocused The Clintons' (TM) campaign sights on what can be salvaged in the remaining primary days: “We now turn our attention to the millions of Americans who will make their voices heard in...American Samoa....”* And then, to make sure he was taken seriously, he added the obligatory, "As we go forward...you, know, for change!" Seeing no reaction from the dozens of supporters, and this reporter, inside the Fort Sumter Hotel ballroom, Bill then kicked over the microphone stand and stomped offstage while a lone Celine Dion sang, "The Sun Comes Out Tomorrow" in Canadian.

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Bill's running mate, what's her name, wasn't immediately available for comment in the Columbia, SC strip club, The Hanging Chad, where BPNN had set up an all-night poll watch. But, it's rumored that the former head of the once front-running Democratic ticket was headed to Samoa, located somewhere near Hawaii, in hopes of repeating The Clintons (TM) breathtaking Michigan victory by running unopposed.

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.....****

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*Real quote. There's more to it, but we gleaned the important parts. For the complete concession text go to NYTimes.com

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dateline: Columbia, SC, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights remanded.

Shocking Shakeup in Primary Shag

Kuspinach to Run?.

According to Jérôme Kerviel, person-of-spokes for Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!), the Congressman may announce his candidacy for President of the United States, "If," Kerviel emphasized, "we can, how you say...gin up ze dough necessary for such a lengthy campaign, say, six, maybe, ten billion Euros...er, bucks." Presidential futures markets in Asia were closed for a run-on-bank holiday when the Kerviel announcement was leaked, but this can only bode ill since campaign markets are still reeling from the announcement earlier this week that Freddie "Boom-Boom-Law-And/Or Order" Thompson (R-NBC) had abandoned his quest for the lead in White House!, the much anticipated reality show replacement for Friday Night Lights, a victim of the ongoing Speechwriters Strike. John Travolta had been rumored to host White House! until photos of the NJ movie star in a woman's fat suit appeared on YouTubeTop dashing that hope; although, Trovolta is still considered a strong contender for the #2 slot on the Kuspinach ticket, especially since, as the actor notes, he comes with his own Air Force Two jet. *

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In other campaign whispers, the Clintons' (TM) campaign let it leak that a running mate has been chosen, but, as of press time Hillary would neither confirm nor deny that she will accept the VP assignment Bill offered her.

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......*****

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*Boeing 707

dateline: The Paris Hilton Hotel, Beowulf, Quebec, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights left out.

Huckabee Update: Pol's Pole Poll

These Colors Don't Run (For President)

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The Reverend/Governor of Arkansas--one of the many former Arkansas governors running for president--Mike Huckleberry, abandoned his usual aw-shucks approach to weighty issues, such as should Tony Dow be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and squarely faced the Confederate Flag Burning Amendment issue by stating: "We tell them, you're going to tell us what to do with our flag? We'll tell you what to do with the pole."*

"Them" was not available for comment, having been stunned by the Reverend/Governor's white lightning wit. But, as folks here 'bouts in Arkansas know, when them says nuthin', them's sho-nuf plannin' somethin'.

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Meanwhile half of the other former Arkansas governor team running for president responded by saying, "I suggested that Hillary add a pole to her campaign stage performances."

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A recent PBS/Fox/BPNN poll suggests that the pole issue plays well in Arkansas and South Carolina where candidate Johnny "Also-Ran" Edwards is expected to release a pole plan of his own, one that recognizes the pole as an integral part of the US economy "going forward."

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* True quote

dateline: Polecat Trailer Haven, Arkansas, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reheated.

Huckabee: From God's Lips To Your Ballot

We Can't Make This Stuff Up

When Divine Inspiration strikes, we in the media--as our conservative radio talk show colleague Surge Windbag notes--"must give pause." And after that pause, when our senses return, we usually comment on whatever the current egregious proclamation from the dwindling field of presidential candidates might be. We call our commentaries "editorials," a Latin term meaning, "slow news day." And on the day of the South Carolina Primary and Las Vegas Caucus we offer this unedited comment from former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon):

"I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do is amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than trying to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view of how we treat each other and how we treat the family." *

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As promised, we won't comment, nor could we get a comment from God (TM), who was reportedly busy rewriting the United States Constitution. It should be noted, however, that God (TM) is not registered to vote in either South Carolina or Las Vegas, Nevada; only in Iowa, where he's already cast his ballot for the Southern Baptist televangelist turned Republican front-runner.

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***

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* True quote. Be afraid, be very, very afraid....almost makes Romney seem rational.

"God" is the registered trademark of the Republican Party which is solely responsible for your salvation.

Those passages not copyrighted by God, LLC (TM) or his agents, is the property of the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©.

Massachusetts Governor Wins Native State

GOP Faces New Challenge

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In the wake of former Massachusetts Governor Romney's stunning victory in Michigan--his home state that he left 40 years ago to serve as a front-line missionary in France during the Vietnam War--Mitt "The Kid" faces unforeseen Comeback Kid challenges. "We're running out of candidates," Republican National Lapel Pin chair, Darby Wawson, noted aboard the Romney Limited campaign jet as it lifted off from George Romney International Airport in Lansing, Michigan just minutes after the ballots we're counted and destroyed. "So far," Wawson said off -the-record, "We've allowed each candidate to win a state; we call it our 4-H policy--every candidate a winner." Dawson then shrugged and giving a George W grin, he continued, "Who could've foreseen that we'd still be in this race after New Hampshire? I mean, we thought Obamalamadama was a lock, and we was lookin' toward 2012 when we get another shot at Hillary. But, now? Sh&#, we're screwed." Shifting uncomfortably in the club seat while pouring another two fingers of Johnny Walker Blue label and looking over his shoulder to make certain the candidate hadn't seen, Wawson confided with us: "It's a mess, this whole GOP primary is a mess." He ticked off the reasons on his fingers, wet with whiskey: "Rudy has dibs on Florida, Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and-or-Order Thompson has an option on South Carolina, and just 'tween you and I..."

"You and me," our correspondent corrected.

"...I think Freddie's gonna exercise his Carolina option. I haven't seen the script yet, what with that writers strike and all...So, where's that leave us? Every candidate's got hisself a primary win, and still this thing won't end! We just need more Republican candidates."

"What about McCain?"

"Who?

"Mc...."

"Oh, yeah, he who's name must never be spoke," Wawson dismissed the second-place Michigan winner. "He's not really one of us." Wawson's wink combined with the secret sign of touching his nose and flag lapel pin, indicated how uncommitted the GOP really was to its one veteran candidate.

Still, Wawson admitted in further confidential conversations before the Johnny Walker ran dry, "Romney's finally got a couple of good one liners, stuff voters can hold onto."

"Such as...?"

"The Fence...."

"Border fence?"

"Yeah, shhh...." Wawson waved his glass, "This is where he trumps even Rudy. While everyone else is focusing on the Mexican fence...."

"I think it's the US fence along the Mex...."

"Romney will build a fence along Michigan's northern border."

"Canada?"

"Wisconsin. Keep them cheeseheads outa the U.P.; bunch of Hillary liberals not supporting the troops or even going forward..." And before elaborating on the Border Security issue, Wawson gave us a taste of Romney's new campaign slogan: "A New Pessimism." And seeing my no-reaction, Wawson quoted from Romney's victory speech: "Tonight is a victory...over Washington-style pessimism."* Wawson grinned, "Good, huh? Everyone is sick to death of Washington-style this and Washington-style that...including pessimism. Romney knows the voters want change..."

"And hope..."

"And hope...but change more than hope," Wawson said, "And he's the only hope we have for change to a 'New Pessimism' in America...going forward. Always going forward."

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Meanwhile, The Clintons, LLC (TM) easily won Michigan's Democratic primary with a new strategy of only running in states where no other candidates are on the ballot. When asked at the Democrat's Texas Hold 'em Debate last night in the Evel Knievel Room at Little Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, to comment on The Clintons' Michigan surge, Senator Obamalamadama said nothing but gave a street-wise digital gesture indicating disgust.

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When asked how he might do in the upcoming make-or-break-firewall-metaphor-challenged South Carolina Primary, Senator Johnny Edwards, esq., (D-NC) threatened legal action against anyone who voted against him.

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*Taken from Romney's real victory speech...leaving out the words we thought were boring and didn't capture our interpretation of events.

dateline: Sumter, South Carolina, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refuted.

Romney Correction

We Goofed

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In yesterday's BPNN Update, our field reporter, Artie Azzetti, referred to the former governor of some northeastern, liberal state--where gay abortions are required when purchasing a handgun--as Milton Willard Romney, aka "Mittens." He erred and, if he could be contacted, Azzetti would no doubt be concerned, as we are, that his mistake had been discovered. Milton Willard was actually the name of a TV cartoon dinosaur, voiced by Sandy Becker, on WPIX in New York City in the late 1950s. Governor Romney's real name is Willard Milton, and apparently went by the nickname, Willy, as in this kid gives us the willies. For that reason, and with an eye toward a possible presidential run in 2008, Willy, in 1959, had his nickname legally changed to Mitt, named for the family dog, which unfortunately disappeared on a summer vacation road trip and therefore, was unavailable for comment. This was almost confirmed when our research staff attempted to contact Wilton Millard's son, Zip, at Romney's New Hampshire campaign headquarters on the shores of Lake Sunapee near Keene. However, after winning yet another "silver medal" in yesterday's primary, the entire Romney staff decamped before we could get a comment. The Romneys were reportedly headed to Wyoming where Mitt, the former governor of that state where everyone is named Kennedy, could savor his one "gold medal" win.

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The entire staff of the Blog Party News Network and its IHOP affiliate, the International House Of Paranoia, sincerely regret any discomfort or inconvenience this error may have caused us.

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Meanwhile, in a curious upset, former Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon) turned in a surprisingly weak third-place finish behind Romney and Senator John McCain (R-AZ). Initially, BPNN exit polls suggested that New Hampshire voters--unlike Iowans--couldn't bring themselves to vote for a Hanna-Barbera character in an election where characters count. But, then, it was reported that just minutes before the polls opened 86% of Huckleberry supporters had actually been swept heavenward in an ill-timed Republican Rapture that pushed McCain over the finish line ahead of God's chosen one. God was reportedly mulling his/her options.

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On the Democrat field, The Clintons (TM) scored an even curiouser upset against Senator Obamalamadama, winning that primary by enough margin to ensure gas money toward next week's Michigan primary. At dawn today, a crocodile-teary Hillary could be seen at the wheel of the Clintons' Count Your Change campaign bus leaving the granite-willed state.

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dateline: Lindys Diner, Keene, NH, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights perceived.

Iowa Caucus Wrap-up

Iowa--A Look Back .

Former whatever he was, Milton Willard Romney (R-MA, MI, UT), aka Mitt--short for Mittens--finally took off the gloves as he boarded his Gulfstream IV family-jet at Des Moines Interdenominational Airport (KDSM) and headed for New Hampshire, where polls indicated he'd find a primary election. Stunned by his recent second-place, "silver medal," finish to Reverend/Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR), Romney declared, "We are doing God's work now," and while flashing a Nixonesque double V-for-Validation salute in the airplane's doorway, added, "in my opinion, by keeping al Qaeda and Hezbollah from establishing a safe haven."* Unable to hear his entire statement due to the noise level inside the airport bar where my press corps two-for-one vouchers were about to expire, we can only assume that the safe haven Romney referred to was Iowa, a state that had just shown Mitt that silver medals only count in the Olympics. But before I could ferret out any more facts from CNN the bartender switched off the TV set and said we had pay up or leave. The Iowa Caucus was over and the media's credit no longer any good..

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In fairness, it should be noted that since then, neither al Qaeda nor Hezbollah--neither of which had candidates polling more than 2% in Iowa, slightly ahead of Rudy Giuliani (R-FL) and Ron Paul (R-Mars)--have shown themselves in the Hawkeye state, and Iowans, once again, feel safe to venture onto the streets, where, unfortunately, many have been run down by truckloads of ethanol promises heading out of town. Still, this reporter must admit that had Operation Enduring Primary not included Iowa, one can only guess what might have been. For that conjecture, we need only look toward New Hampshire, another state most Americans couldn't find on an IHOP map and one that Michael Bloomberg could purchase with his lunch money. And yet, New Hampshire--like Iowa--is tasked with fine-tuning the candidates until one is finally deemed The Least Loser. (TM) **

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Today, as memories of Iowa fade like Hillary's press briefing tears, and Granite staters head to their polls despite 50-degree weather, Iowans can only feel a misty sense of loss, knowing that they're not to be pandered to for another four years, although, the John Edwards' campaign has already replaced its Edwards '08 billboards that appear like so many Burma Shave signs along Interstate 80, with Edwards '12...'16...'20....

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* actual quote: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/01/06/romney-i-want-bin-laden-_n_80072.html

** FoxTV, premiers January 20, 2009 8 EST/7CST

dateline: Last exit along I-80 in eastern Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights conveniently shifted left as the campaigns go forward in search of spare change.

Markets Crash As Huckabee Blitzes Iowa

Chaos in the IHOP *

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Not since the burning of Atlanta or the fall of Miss Saigon have fictionalized images so dramatically captured a made-for-TV political crisis. With Huckleberry supporters whooping it up until nearly 11 PM CST last night, Des Moines residents found no rest after months of relentless siege by political warlords and their armies of inhuman robo-dialers.

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Just before dawn the voters had had enough, though, and the last of the Hillary campaign staff had to be airlifted off the Embassy Suites rooftop by helicopter. Aides reportedly tried to rally campaign volunteers--desperate for change--who tried to climb aboard and were last seen clinging to the copter's skids as it disappeared toward New Hampshire and an uncertain future. By first light, the Huckleberry troops controlled the city--smiling, helping old ladies across streets and brandishing their bass guitars and bibles.

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Apparently, in reaction to this stunning political upset, stock markets around the world performed a collective plotz. Japan's markets sank over 4%, while the Dow Jones shed over 200 points. "It's a scary number," Joe Balestrino, senior portfolio manager at Federated Investors, said in response to an unrelated issue, but we liked the quote so much we've used it here without relevance, permission or footnote. "No question about it," Joe added, again, on that other issue. "No matter how good you wanted to feel...(and he added more facts we didn't need)...there is far less conviction than even two or three days ago."

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Conviction, indeed. And where does that leave Iowa? Alone, between two very cold rivers, I'll tell ya. Abandoned like last night's prom date, without a friend as these candidates leave for other states; there to make promises, eat more things on a stick and pretend as though they--the candidates--actually want to attend your state fair or sit in your cafes and drink your weak coffee. Well, wake up, America. It happened in Iowa and can happen to you.

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Democracy--It's not just for Iraq. And Caucus. It's not just a guttural word anymore; it's the name of a new movie by Michael Moore about how Iowa did its part to keep this country entertained until the writers strike ended.

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* IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics

dateline Des Moines, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights rehashed.

Iowa Caucus Boffo Biz in Better Bistros

Wallace and Davis To Team? They'll Have Competition...

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Two unknowns swept the Iowa Caucus (TM) last night, stunning old-guard party stalwarts on both sides of the now crumbling aisle while potentially changing the face of American politics. Senator Hillary Rodham (D-NY) and former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL), seemed to come out of nowhere to win Hawkeye hearts and minds. Little is known of these two centrist, erudite politicians who have smashed the mold of what’s expected in Beltway politics. (Not that we understand any of those metaphors, but are required by a vague code of journalistic ethics to use them while "going forward.")
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In his concession speech, Mitt Romney (R-MA) said: “In the next ten years, we'll see more progress, more change than the world has seen in the last ten centuries,”* thus admitting that his campaign theme, “Return With Me To the Middle Ages!” was ill advised. He’s reported to have fired all five sons from his campaign payroll, telling them to “Go get real jobs, ya bums.” Three have reportedly joined the Army, now that they’re no longer encumbered by a promise to help elect their Daddy to the White House.
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Rudy Giuliani, reached at the North Miami AARP Supper Club during the Early Bird Surge, told reporters: “9-11…9-11…terror….9-11…no cole slaw, just a pickle, dear….9-11….”
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Fred Thompson (R-NBC), who scored a respectable 14% in the caucus said he’d release a victory statement as soon as the writers strike ended and he was given his lines.
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Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) watched the Caucus results on his iPhone in the IHOP** coffee shop in Dayton, where he and Ralph Nader plotted an alliance for 2012. They reportedly left no tip.

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* true quote

** International House Of Pathos, not affiliated with Iowa House Of Politics or the International House Of Pancakes.
dateline: Bush 08 HQ, West Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) © all rights reserved and defended in order to maintain a well regulated militia.

Iowa Caucus Home Stretch

Candidates Grovel Toward the Finish Line
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Sinking dramatically in the most recent Des Moines Register-Picayune poll of Iowans most likely to lie to pollsters who keep annoying them with dumb questions, Johnny Edwards (D N or SC) responded in Dylanesque verse:

"I don’t need a poll

To tell me that--

We’re moving,”* he sang while plucking on a folk guitar at the Java Jurors coffee house off Court Avenue in downtown Des Moines on this final full day of pandering and rationalizing before the Iowa Caucus.

"And I don't need a weatherman

To tell which way the wind blows," Edwards continued into the second verse before the crowd dispersed as word spread that candidate Obamalamadama (D-CHI) was playing down the street at the Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP). .

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Throughout the Hawkeye state desperate presidential hopefuls attended to last-minute campaigning. Mitt The Kid Romney was spotted shoveling snow with his five sons at the Odd Fellows Hall in Garden Grove, Iowa. John McCain took a turn as a bouncer at Big Earl's Club in Des Moines tossing out underage voters by the coattails, sending each one into the night with a "Thanks, ya little twerp."

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In Eastern Iowa, candidate HillyBilly Clintons (D-NY+/-) dressed up as Mother Theresa and walked barefoot through the snow spreading health care insurance pamphlets while supporters in saffron robes chanted, "Time For Change? Spare Change..." and tore down Obamalamadama banners.

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In southern Iowa, former Governor Mike Huckleberry (R?-AR), still smarting from his failed Don't Watch My Video campaign, reverted to his roots and preached before dwindling crowds of mouth-breathing undecided voters before picking up his bass guitar and, despite fingers numbed by the cold, launched into a Christian version of Free Bird.

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Delaware's, Joe Bidentime addressed a packed room at the Indianola Day Care Center where many in the crowd, made up largely of his own family, grew cranky having listened well beyond their normal nap time. Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT), meanwhile, tended bar a block away at Signatures Grill on the Indianola square. A slow night, as it turned out, his tip jar netted $4.50 according to a FEC filing..Dodd has reportedly requested federal matching funds.

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And in North Dakota, candidate Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) briefly addressed a polite crowd at the Fargo Bowl 'n Wash before a campaign aide checked the rental car GPS and informed the candidate that they'd accidentally left Iowa several days before.

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This just in: Michael Bloomberg's personal jet has been spotted at the Des Moines International Airport (where there are no international flights). Unconfirmed reports of the NY City mayor arriving with bags of billion-dollar bills, ready to buy the Caucus state, are just that--unconfirmed--but, even at this late date, may portend a major shift in the Iowa Caucus, especially if we continue to use words such as "portend."

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*real quote

dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reserved before the votes are counted.

Huckleberry Turns The Other Cheek in Iowa

Christian Candidate's Bona Fides Still Largely Intact

“It’s never too late to do the right thing,”* front-runner Mike Huckleberry (C-AR), Christian candidate for president said in New Year's Eve press briefing just days before Iowans caucus in a collective ritual that determines what candidates the rest of the country will receive. Mr. Huckleberry was referring to his decision to not air by airing an ad attacking his attacker, Mitt "The Kid" Romney. "See?" Huckleberry shouted from the pulpit before a press corps hardened by years of Iowa campaigning. "You asked for it!"

"No we didn't," Davis Yawpsun, Politics-as-Entertainment-Editor for the Des Moines Register - Picayune, noted from the open bar.

Still, Huckleberry pressed on by pressing the press into watching the controversial ad he'd just banned. In it, a small female child picks daisies in an undisclosed Iowa ethanol field. Overhead, angels fly unaware of the looming Romney doom. Suddenly, as the child sings the glories of Huckleberry in Biblical verse, with a faint image of the candidate dressed in a white robe and playing a mean Martin bass guitar in the background, Romney--portrayed as a dark angel of death in a Boston Red Sox jacket--unleashes a mushroom cloud of hellfire, tax increases, gun control, and state-sponsored illegal gay space aliens forcing abortions upon the Iowa electorate.

As the screen fades to black, Governor Huckleberry's voice, amid a choir of cherubim, is heard to say, "I'm Mike Huckleberry, and I approved this message...then...but now I don't, so please don't watch it, again and again, and please don't write any front page stories about it or put it on your blogs or, heavens forsake my campaign--on YouTube!"

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Well, editorially speaking, the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) is not beholden to any one candidate--except to those who donate the most to our travel funds--and therefore, although no one on our staff has actually seen the ad, BPNN refuses to fall for the governor's blatant attempt to get this respected media vehicle to run one word about the Mike Huckleberry banned ad, which can be viewed on our website and forwarded to your friends so that they, too, won't see it. Again, the banned ad is not to be viewed at http://www.wehearthuckleberry.org/ and on the BPNN website.

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*actual quote

dateline Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, BPNN ©, all rights reserved for revision at a later date.