Friday, July 27, 2007

Muck Flies in Iowa Caucus Ring Quest

Candidates Race To Iowa's Bottom

In the final weeks leading up to the Democratic Iowa State Fair (TM), TT multi-candidate Hilly/Billy (version 0.8 (TM) D-NY/AR) was struck by a witless cow pie from second-rated TT candidate Obamalamadama on the Caucus-Rukus Trail. “I don’t want Bush-Cheney lite,”* Obamalamadama quipped about Hilly/Billy before a multitude at the Davenport Municipal Airport where he'd stopped briefly for the Quad Cities Quadrennial Quaker Qampaign Qualifier, considered a must-attend for any serious Iowa Caucus hopeful.

Obamalamadama's poll-tested, off-the-cuff reference to the state's official beverage--Lite beer--met with unexpected mixed results from the polite, but suddenly discomfited, crowd, which had stood for hours staring open-mouthed into a leaden sky awaiting the candidate's campaign Learjet to arrive.

"Normally, my man owns the crowd," Obamalamadama's campaign coolness analyzer, Bernie Emmelman, noted as his man floundered in the corporate jet's entrance way. "Obamalamadama is all about delivery, style; I hate to see him stumble like this," he added as he shoved a hastily scribbled note to the candidate, now desperate to change course. Obamalamadama read the note, smiled inwardly and announced: “I want a fundamental change.”** The crowd went wild, placated by the implied reference to Bush/Cheney, Iraq, Irabia, FEMA, Alberto Gonzales, Wolfowitz, Britney Spears and the Chicago Cubs. Obamalanadama also appeared to be reaching out to religious fundamentalists by embracing "fundamental change."

The religious euphoria was almost dampened by an unscripted question shouted from the crowd by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's politics-as-entertainment editor, David Yupson: "Is it true you smoke?"

"Oh, s*&^!" Emmelman uttered as he pulled the pin on a smoke grenade, rolled it onto the tarmac, and the candidate, his latest ideas and the luxury Learjet departed, leaving the adoring crowd staring, once again, at the dark sky wondering when--perhaps if--the Democratic saviour would reappear with a new message of hope.

TT candidate Hilly/Billy upon sensing the presence of unauthorized hope, rotated its all-seeing eye atop its dark campaign tower to find out who carried the ring of hope. "Hope," the dark and grating voice from Tower Hilly/Billy warned, "Is our message!" Lightning bolts punctuated the barely veiled threats across the Iowa shires where hairy-toed Caucus goers stopped for second breakfast, unafraid of the dark forces sweeping their state.

Meanwhile, at the site of the impending, and much ignored, Iowa Republican Strawman Poll (TM) to be held Aug 11--in competition with the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) --TT candidate Golum Huckleberry (R-AR) could be heard growling beside a shallow gene pool, "It's mine. Hope is a all mine, my precious, Hope...and fundamentalism--all mine...mine...."


dateline: Davenport, Iowa Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights revered.

* Actual quote: See NY Times July 27, 2007
** Actual quote: ibid

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Giuliani Gloats, Edwards Glows

Appearing at an unscheduled grand opening of the newest IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics (TM)) franchise in Sioux City, Iowa, TT candidate Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani, responded in RAP to accusations by RAP competitor, Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson that he'll "whoop The G-Man into G-Whiz" in the Iowa Republican Strawman Poll (TM) to be held August 11 during the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM).

Rapped the 'G-Man' in an impromptu composition he called "I Try Not To" © :
"I try not to, (but)
"I can’t con-trol
"What Thompson does
"And I can’t con-trol
"What Romney does
"And I can’t con-trol
"What John McCain does.”
The G-Man then danced backwards onstage, shifted his baseball cap (NY Yankees) and swung the gold chains around his next before rapping up:
“Maybe I can
"Re-act to
"What they do?
"But I try and think (pointing to his head)
"A-bout what’s
"Our stra-te-gy
"And our stra-te-gy
"Is to try and have
"A pro-por-tion-ate
"Effort in these states
"To try
"As best we can
"To put ourselves
"In a good position
"In the big states
"And then..."
Rudy spun around, vamped, and pointing his finger at the camera, concluded:
"Try and win
"As many of
"The small-er states
"As pos-si-ble." *

It was unclear if Giuliani thought Iowa was a small state given its geographic size.

Meanwhile, appearing on a poverty stage in West Virginia, TT candidate, Johnny 'The Hairman' Edwards (D-Attorney), wrapped up his Richman/Poorman '07 Tour (TM) with his new campaign song, "Everybody Else,"© to the tune of Paul Anka's (for Frank Sinatra) "My Way" © :

"This cause,

"This march we’re on,

"Is not just about--

"The po-or.”

Edwards paused to indicate the audience and flash his boyish, good-looks grin while untangling his running shoes from the mic cord, and, as the crowd begged for relief, he continued in a different key, because Insta-polling (TM) indicated a need for change:

"Everybody’s at risk.

"Everybody’s vulnerable.”

The band music swelled as Edwards wound up for the big finale:

"Two Americas:

"Are the very rich..."

And after thumping his own chest and shedding a digitally-enhanced tear visible on the large screen behind him, Edwards humbly spread his arms and concluded:

"And ev-er-y-bo-dy...else!” **

Amid fireworks, he then climbed aboard a campaign bus after unfurling a banner that read: Idaho Or Bus!


dateline: Sioux City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog News. ©

*Actual candidate quotes: See NY Times July, 19, 2007

** Actual candidate quotes: (ibid)

All songs and/or RAP ©-protected ASCAP, BMI, BBC, MD, SUX, AM & FM, quoted under the Fair Use Treaty of 1977

Monday, July 16, 2007

IHOP To Purchase McCain Campaign?

Iowa House Of Politics Said To Offer 4% Premium, Plus 15% Tip

Struggling to meet campaign payroll and remain the designated maverick Turk Republican front runner, Senator 'Mickey' McCain of Arizona faced the inevitable and is reported to have "taken a lunch" with representatives of the influential political latte chain, Iowa House Of Politics (TM) .

At the West Des Moines Denny's, after Waldorf salads and Pattymelts, it can only be imagined that McCain was in no position to "pick up the check" and had to beg for IHOP to intercede.

Transcripts from the meeting, secured by Blog Party News insiders and not verified for fear of what the truth might do to an otherwise good story, paint a picture of candidate with product to move but in need of cash. IHOP founder and patriarch, Vito "Don" Carlson, is reported to have listened politely, offered to refill McCain's water glass and then after brushing a few croutons from the begging candidate's knee whispered, "I'm afraid my answer is no." Don Carlson went on to explain that he had no problem with McCain's business, "How a man makes a living is not up to me." But, Don Carlson explained, "What you do (politics) is a little..." He wanted to say "dangerous" but the sundaes had arrived and Vito Carlson signaled that the meeting was over. The McCain campaign would have to find a way to survive without IHOP's support.

It was noted that Vito Carlson's eldest son, Sonny, seemed to be hot for the deal, but was rudely shushed by his father.


The Iowa House Of Politics is a political parody franchise licensed by the Iowa House Of Parody and not associated with the other IHOP, International House Of Pancakes, which is a really swell restaurant chain.

Dateline, Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Mr. Huckleberry Goes To Washington

"Maybe he's just a little crazy," the line from Miracle on 34th Street pops into some Iowa minds when first encountering Arkansas's newest hope, Mikey Huckleberry (picture on far right), Governor of the Clinton state and active candidate for the Iowa Strawman Poll to be held in Ames on some miserably hot and humid day with no one in attendance.
Not much is known about Governor Huck because without a map, we're not sure where Arkansas is; we keep confusing it with Louisiana, which may explain why Gov Huck emphasises "education" in his Iowa stump speeches. And it should be noted that the candidate's opinions don't seem to be evolving in any sense of the word.
Mr. Huckleberry pins his Iowa Caucus hopes on one item: Taxes. His plan to create a "Fair Tax" so far has fallen on unreceptive audiences as the Iowa Strawman Poll is scheduled to be held during the Iowa State Fair, and candidates plying Iowa political waters should know that, as politics-as-entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, David Yupson, warns: "You don't mess with taxes in the ethanol state, and Governor Huckleberry's plan to institute a tax on the State Fair (the so-called "Fair Tax") is just unworkable in Iowa. It's dead on arrival, like a deep-fried porkchop-on-a-stick."
Deep-fried Porkchop-on-a-stick (TM) is a trademarked item sold at the Iowa State Fair, and no candidate can be expected to win the Strawman Poll, let alone the Iowa Caucus without consuming at least seven Deep-Fried-Porkchop(s)-on-a-stick (TM) . The record is 17 set in 1992 by then candidate Bill Clinton; this after winning the Fastest Deep-Fried-Twinkies Eating Contest. Clinton later vomited on the SkyGlider and was elected president defeating then President George Bush, the Elder.
Mike Huckleberry, 51, Candidate Bio:
The self-admitted bass player and former preacher's biggest achievement to date was having the foresight to be born in the same trailer court in Hope, Arkansas as Hillary Clinton. Rumors that they might've been separated at birth could not be confirmed without research.
Military background: None that shows.
Major Belly Flops: Huckleberry's biggest failure to this point was to lose an election to a guy named "Bumpers." *
Bubba, Bumpers, and now Hilly/Billy and Huckleberry? It makes writing editorials so, so easy. No content, just say the names: Bubba, Bumpers, Hilly/Billy or
* Dale Bumpers
Iowa Caucus '08 Staff Pick, The Blog Party News ©, all rights wronged, tires balanced while you vote.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

McCain Campaign Seeks New Vision

Campaign Stalls In Search For Aide's Glasses...

In what can only be described as "a slow news day on the Iowa campaign side roads," The Blog Party News © has learned that former front-runner and winner of the Adlai E. Stevenson Perennial Candidate Award, Senator 'Mickey' McCain (R-AZ), admits that is aide, Mark Salter, has lost his glasses (pictured at right searching for clues before FBI arrived*).

"This won't stop us," an unidentified POS for the McCain campaign told us outside McCain's Des Moines YMCA campaign headquarters, where she was having a smoke while rummaging through a trash barrel for deposit bottles. "You wouldn't believe what people toss out. Look at this--there's a nickle deposit here that could go toward victory!" She continued rummaging and ignored our follow-up questions about the campaign's alleged financial difficulties.

"We had false assumptions about how much money could be raised," Salter, injected from a nearby dumpster where he'd been searching for the missing glasses and discovered several inkjet cartridges that could easily be refilled. “It’s not fair to pin it on anybody (meaning him). We all had this expectation that money was going to be very easy for us to raise."** He seemed to ponder whether, if victorious in '08, running the US government, and its Iraq War, might not prove to be "very easy."

Rumors abound that the McCain campaign is down to its last $2 million and may have to stoop to accepting federal taxpayers' contributions. "Hey," a recently laid-off campaign worker informed us, "If we could find the damn glasses we wouldn't need to resort to this sorta nonsense!" He then spotted a juice carton, plucked it from the gutter and called to Salter: "Top Aide Salter, sir, are these good for anything?" The comment was quickly picked up by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's entertainment-in-politics editor, David Yupson, who reported in his column that "Mickey's campaign staff would be advised to do its homework and read the Iowa Study Group Report © by Jimmy Baker. Iowa has a strong bottle deposit law, but that law does not apply to juice cartons. It's nuances like this that can cost a candidate more than a nickel in the Ethanol State caucus."

When contacted in the Senate cloakroom for comment on reports that Salter's glasses were "Lost," Senator McCain told a NY Times reporter, whose notes were observed by this reporter, hiding behind a cloak: "No, no, no, no," McCain said. "I’d describe the campaign (to find Salter's glasses) as going well. I’m very happy with it."** McCain then excused himself to slip deeper into the cloaks to make a cellphone call, pausing briefly to shout to an unpaid aide, "Do I have to push SEND on this stupid thing...?"

Fellow TT candidate Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani's campaign immediately issued a statement saying they knew where all of their glasses were. They just weren't sure where Iowa was.

TT candidate Huckleberry (R-AR) released a statement on stone tablets saying that he didn't believe in glasses, because "Scripture makes no mention of spectacles..." But, Huckleberry added to mollify educated voters, "I'm not necessarily opposed to those who might live a lifestyle that includes alternative vision devices. I just don't believe that the taxpayers--and I intend to eliminate all taxes, when elected--should be forced to pay for this unholy vision thing. God knows I'm right." He then was lifted into the sky on a silvery cloud, only to reappear later in Keene, New Hampshire disguised as a moderate.


Dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News ©

* AP photo © by Stephen Savoia, permission pending finding our glasses.

** Actual quotes from the NY Times, July 11, 2007 ©:

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Obama bid Biden?

Connect The Dots...

Warming up a packed audience of 70 for the opening of the newest IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics (TM)) in Iowa City, TT candidate, Joey Bidentime (D-DE), held the crowd for nearly two hours before FEC hostage negotiators arrived with a large matching-funds check, and the candidate agreed to stop talking provided fellow candidate, Obamalamadama, would coach him on the art of getting to the point. The Obamalamadama camp is reported to have issued a terse reply to our request for a meeting between the two TT candidates, saying, "Biden who?" and bid him good luck in his campaign. The Obamalamadama POS (Person Of Spokes) then bid us a "good day," after asking how we got their number. Knowing we were dealing with attorneys, our staff researcher claimed First Amendment immunity, pretended to speak only Spanish and quickly hung up.

Meanwhile, as the crowd swelled to 30 or so, including 23 reporters attracted by IHOP's open bar, Bidentime fielded a question from Des Moines Register-Picayune politics-in-entertainment editor, David Yupson: "What, if anything, is your strategy for getting elected president or, failing that, at least for getting your campaign troops out of Iowa?"

Bidentime appeared to be caught off guard and paused before admitting: “I must admit to you that I’ve thought more about what I would do as president than how to get elected as president.”* You could hear the italics in his voice.
Yupson followed up with: "Will you ever shut up?"
Bidentime, confused, shifted to the third person as he seemed to escape, ghostlike, from his own candidacy: “Yes, that’s the thing Biden has to get over. I’m conscious of it. I don’t always meet it, but I’m working on it.” *
The ghost then warned Iowans that they would be visited by three more Bidentime images, each more mercurial than the previous, but, by then, the crowd had dispersed because the bar had closed.


Dateline: Iowa City, Idaho, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News ©, all rights researched.

* Actual quotes. See NY Times Saturday, July 7, 2007
IHOP--Iowa House Of Politics (TM) -- is a trademark protected parody not associated with the International House of Pancakes, which in our editorial, First Amendment opinion, is about the silliest name possible for an eatery. --the editor

Friday, July 6, 2007

Where's Edwards in Iowa?

Rumors that third-tier Telebubby (TM) candidate, Johnny 'Eddy' Edwards (Attorney-NC), may have dropped out of the Iowa Caucus and Tractor Pull (TM) flashed through the political press corps' House of Blues Des Moines headquarters, prompting newly hired Edwards operatives, Paul Blank and Chris Kofinis, to corner this reporter in an undisclosed, underground parking garage--complete with low-key lighting and ominous, foreshadowing, background music--where they offered this cryptic, off-the-record warning: "Wake up, Wal-Mart!"

Blank and Kofinis, who will eclipse Eddy's campaign manager, David Bonior, are little known but central figures in the shadowy, pro-labor, anti-Wal-Mart campaign, Wake up, Wal-Mart (TM)* , and therefore have the bona fides to wake up Edwards' flagging Iowa campaign. Plus, as Kofinis might've confided, "We're not afraid to use excessive adjective build-up." Blank stared in what could only be considered tacit agreement.

When asked to comment on his lackluster cash/vote numbers at Senator Tom Harkin's (D-IA) quadrennial Fishfry and Corn Pone Suckup (TM) event in Shinola, Iowa, Edwards, speaking through an interpreter, answered: "Ma daddy was a mill worker, his daddy afore him worked in da mills, and when Ah's elected president, Ah promise that all Iowinians will fullfill mah dream to become mill workers, too, or Ah sue der asses." He then smiled and pulled a can of Dapper Dan (TM)** hair grease from his freshly laundered Oshkosh (TM) bib overalls to slick back his famous coif, which, as Blank noted, is also (TMed) , along with his campaign accent, which no one from either Carolina can place.

Elsewhere on the Iowa campaign cow trail, Senator Paul Simon (D-Graceland) appeared on stage Wednesday evening with Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) at the Shinola Odd Fellows Hall (TM) for an impromptu AARP-endorsed concert featuring Simon with his trademark National Guitar (TM). Dodd, whose name rhymes with "God" (and, therefore, endorsed by the Christians for Church-in-State (Mathew: 501-c-3)), soothed the over-50-something crowd on lead vocals. Art Garfunkel, vacationing at the Santa Barbara Zen Skin and Chi Rehab Center (TM), appeared via satellite on a large screen singing harmony and looking even older than his former singing partner, Paul Simon. When the trio launched into Bridge Over Troubled Waters ©, a subliminal Flomax (TM) ad scrolled beneath Garfunkel's face and caused long lines to appear at the portable toilets. Police were called in when Simon yelled, "It's free concert, man!" He, then, set his guitar on fire, which is in violation of Iowa fire codes.


Dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, The Blog Party News ©, editor-on-the-lam.
* No kidding, there really is a campaign called Wake up, Wal-Mart associated with Kofinis and Blank. We can't make this stuff up. --the editor.
For details see: The Atlantic Online (blog), by Marc Ambinder.
**Dapper Dan (TM) Coen Bros, Ltd, Whereartthou, AL, all rights reversed.
"Bridge Over Troubled Waters," © Simon and/or Garfunkle, ASCAP, BMI, BMW

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Dems Swap Roles and Rolls With Reps

Coming on the heels of blockbuster second-quarter campaign contribution reports by major TeleTubby (TM) Democratic candidates, Obamalamadama and Hilly/Billy Clinton, Republican candidates Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani and his arch nemesis, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney were too embarrassed to show their faces in the bigger Iowa cities (those with populations over 500) after announcing less-than-Republicanly financial reports.

"It's like I gotta pay my own way," Mitt 'The Kid' grumbled as he wrote yet another personal check for $6.5 billion to his campaign coffer during a break in taping his latest campaign add in which he poses with a butter cow on a TV set made to look almost like the Iowa State Fairgrounds. "You people think I'm Bloomberg or something?" No one, that we contacted in Iowa, confused 'The Kid' with anyone else, except possibly Tony Dow, who was unavailable for comment, because we didn't contact him, and, we should note in all journalistic fairness, is never seen in the same room with Mitt 'The Kid' Romney. We're just saying...

Meanwhile, Senator 'Mickey' McCain, who appeared at a bake sale and July 4th party held on his behalf, and at his expense, at the Oskaloosa American Legion Hall in Oskaloosa, Iowa, appeared to be unperturbed by his own sagging chin and campaign earnings, but would not speak to us. Instead, his senior advisor, Charles Black, agreed to an interview if we purchased a blueberry muffin. We made the deal, and Black commented while absently brushing flies from a batch of caramel buns: “The general mood is bad throughout the party.” *
A quick look around the nearly empty hall confirmed that. Black continued: “There are some donors that are used to giving money all the time, and there are a whole bunch of people who are more casual donors who need to be fired up. The Democrats on the other hand are totally fired up, intensely fired...” *
Dude, like, a whole bunch of us totally agreed, this party sucked, so we left our blueberry muffin on the card table and drove away just as the band, 20/20 Hindsight ** of Mason City was arriving to set up for a NASCAR-themed wedding. Earlier, McCain had intensely fired half of his campaign staff.

Elsewhere, not in Iowa, the unannounced first tier Republican-like candidates, Michael 'I Took Manhattan' Bloomberg and Fred 'No Relation to Tommy' Thompson are both reported to have enough money on hand to buy the Democrat or Republic parties, maybe both. Rumors of Fred's first wife, Emma, donating half of her Harry Potter © film royalties to Fred's Law And/Or Order © campaign have not been verified.

Minor Republican TeleTubby (TM) candidates, Brokeback and Huckleberry have yet to report their campaign totals, which are expected to be totally, like, you know so Democrat. Totally.


* Actual quotes. For complete text see the July 4, 2007 NY Times ©:
** Actual rock group and they don't suck.

Dateline: Oskaloosa, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News ©.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Clinton II Doesn't Skip Iowa!

With her Canadian campaign theme song, You & I But Mostly I, eh, © blaring over the Iowa State Fair Ground PA system, TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Hilly 'Spouse o' Bill' Clinton was pulled from a trunk by her husband and set atop a bale of straw. There, as Bill appeared to drink from a water glass, Hilly launched into her stump speech: “You know, if I were as smart as Bill seems to suggest I am, I would say nothing.”*

The crowd cheered. Bill smiled, water dribbling down his chin. Hilly's head swiveled from extreme left to right and almost in a complete circle taking in the applause while flashing her heart-stopping painted grin. And she said nothing.

Husband Bill, whom, Hilly reminded us, had been such a great president that by the end of the impromptu rally attended by dozens of Hilly supporters, few noticed when the ex-president stuffed wife Hilly back into the trunk and climbed upon the straw bale to announce that he was, indeed, really the Clinton running for president, again, and that Hilly--adorable though his puppet was--could not compete against any Republican in 2008. "Bush, perhaps," Bill noted to smug amusement, "But," he added, "That durn Constitution had some clause about Presidents staying too long." When asked by Des Moines Register-Picayune politics-as-entertainment reporter, David Yupson, if Bill would have any issues with that very Constitution, the former two-term president smiled, ah-shucked and the question was withdrawn to great relief and applause.

A barbecue was held immediately after the rally during which candidate Bill bested the State Fair record for number of things-on-a-stick consumed by a candidate in less than 30 minutes. He then challenged all remaining Democratic candidates to a hard-boiled egg eating contest, boasting: "I can eat fifty of 'em!" Only TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Joey Bidentime, who was working the grills at the time accepted the challenge stating, "I've already eaten fifty-one!" By then, though, no one was listening to Bidentime as Bill climbed aboard the Clinton Campaign bus while surviving members of the 70s blandgroup, Fleetwood Big Mac, played:
"Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow.
Don't stop, it'll be here again.
Don't stop thinkin' about the sorrow.
Don't stop...
Or Hilly will run again." © ASCAP, KNEECAP, toss the crowd a bone

A muffled plea for recognition could be heard from the steamer trunk as it was slid into the bus baggage hold.


*Actual quote. For full text see NY Times July 3 ©:

Dateline: Des Moines, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News editor-on-the-lam

Monday, July 2, 2007

Iowa Replaces Voting Machines With ATMs

"It seemed like the obvious choice," Governor Chet 'Mr. T' Culvert, said at a Shinola, Iowa ethanol judging contest, early Monday morning. "And the solution was staring up our noses the whole time!" He punctuated the air with an exclamation point to emphasize both his surprise and satisfaction at the Iowa Attorney General's rumored plans to replace the state's outdated voting machines, that simply counted votes, with ATMs (Automated Teller Machines) that track the true test of a candidate's viability.

"The idea came to me when I was on line for cash at the Caseys' store, conveniently located on the square in newly renamed Bloomberg, Iowa," the AG said in a telephone interview, where he didn't actually identify himself. "The fellow ahead of me--a little guy, North Carolina accent, flannel shirt, great haircut--had remarked, 'You know, if we could just get the good, hard working folks of Iowa to vote by ATM, we'd save democracy.' So, I took that as a sign and ordered all voting machines replaced with ATMs. Plus, to make it easier to vote, all ATMs already in place will be retrofitted to accept your vote. Plus, plus!" This reporter could hear the air punctuation over the phone. "I'm ordering TouchPlay (TM) slots to be reinstalled at all convenience stores throughout the state and reprogrammed to not only accept your vote, but to select a candidate at random for the undecided voter." We then lost his signal before being able to confirm his identity or the plans. Still, as the Des Moines Register-Picayune's, political entertainment editor, David Yupson, might well remark, "This represents a big shift...a big shift away from the last shift, which, in and of itself, was big."

When not reached for comment, Iowa State University's Political Science Professor, Stefan Kevorkian, PhD., aka Doctor Political Death (TM) , remarked, "Gimme a break, willya? It's four in the morning! Don't you people ever sleep? Besides, we've seen this all before...."

Doctor Political Death was correct, The Blog Party News nevers sleeps, and it's time to put this issue to bed.

In Shinola, I'm Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam for BPN.


Obamalamadama Wins Iowa Caucus!

"It's all over but the shouting," TeleTubby (TM) candidate Obamalamadama's person-of-spokes (POS, formerly spokesperson), Jane Weatherall, announced at the candidate's Des Moines, Iowa headquarters. "We got the most cash votes!"

"Not so fast," TT candidate Hilly Clinton's POS, Bill, shouted back from Hilly's campaign bus double-parked outside the Obamalamadama HQ. "It's not over until the Supreme Court certifies the Price-Waterhouse tally and says it's over." Bill, who was difficult to hear over the constant blaring of Hilly's Canadian campaign theme song, "You & I But Mostly I," was referring to the campaign contribution, second-quarter tallies released this morning, which show the Obamalamadama camp raking in over $32,000,000 while Hilly, sucked up a measly $22,000,000, and half of that was spent on gas for the campaign bus at an Iowa based Casey's convenience store (NASDAQ: CASY) where, earlier, Hilly's manager, Bill, was seen buying a fresh glazed doughnut while chatting up the girl behind the counter.

The Eddy Edwards camp, meanwhile, known for running a much leaner, and better groomed, operation, reported raising $9,000,000 in the second quarter, thus raising the possibility of Eddy making another run at the Vice-President's slot. When learning that Eddy Edwards might want his job, the current VP, Dick 'Head of the Senate' Cheney was rumored to have said that Eddy could go (do something to himself).

TeleTubby (TM) candidate, Joey Bidentime, has yet to announce his second-quarter cash/vote tally, but it's expected to fall far short of what it takes to make it in this horse race. His first quarter total was $76.47. Bidentime is scheduled to open for Bobby Sherman in the Saddle Soap Lounge at Prairie Meadows Racetrack where, earlier, he was seen placing a bet at the To Show window.

So, with second quarter results almost in, and the Obamalamadama juggernaut reported to have an estimated $163,000,000,000 in its campaign war chest, The Blog Party News, in keeping with journalistic tradition is ready to declare Obamalamadama the winner of the 2008 Iowa Caucus.

For more on Iowa Caucus Campaign Contribution Vote Counting see sidebar:


Dateline: Shinola, Iowa, Staff Report Blog Party News