Republican Quits Iowa Caucus

Standing atop a leftover prop hay bale shipped to the Crawford Ranch from the 2007 Iowa State Fair (concluded August 19), Republican presidential hopeful, Alberto R. Gonzales of Texas, declared No Mas: “I have lived the American dream.”* And, indeed, he had. Along with lifetime political partner, Karl Rove, Gonzales had risen from an obscure Texas political crony to become the first Hispanic Cabinet leader to be forced to spend more time with his family. Rove, who has reportedly denied ever being Hispanic himself--although, a Senate Investigative Committee led by Larry E. Craig, Republican of Idaho, was rumored to be looking into the matter--was forced earlier this month to also spend more time with his family, part of the Republican Party's desire to get out in front of, as an Iowa Caucus spokesperson for the Blog Party News said, "this family values thing before the Democrat Party steals that, too." When reached for a statement at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport, Senator Craig, wouldn't elaborate, indicating he needed to use the restroom. This reporter speculates that Craig, sensing opportunity, will head across the border into Iowa to fill the void left by Gonzales and announce his own run for president atop yet another hay bale.

In a now familiar sign of political death, White House support for Gonzales remained strong until the end. "They made a good team, Roberto y Karlo," declared Gonzales' one remaining friend, Jorge Bush, Jr., from his ranch where he was showing reporters and his Dad how he'd learned to do handstands on the handlebars without Uncle Dick holding the bike steady. "Alberto is a good man...heh...a good man..." Then Bush smirked and just had to add, "But I bet he can't do this!" Bush then executed one of his dazzling dismounts from an uncomfortable stance to the applause of White House a press corps that suddenly forgot all about the former Hispanic person who would never become Iowa's choice for President of the United States.

Jorge Bush, Jr. raced off on a standby bicycle as Uncle Dick quietly smiled before turning his curious gaze toward Jorge's mother, Barbara, who stood on the hacienda's balcony looking wistfully toward the horizon, as though recalling long summer evenings from a bygone era about which no one speaks. Mournful strands from Jorge Sr.'s acoustic guitar could be heard below, competing with a distant coyote and Jorge, Jr.'s peels of happy summertime fun.

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* actual quote

dateline: Crawford, Tejas, Arturo Azzetti, editor-con-queso, el Blogo Partina Nuevos (c)

Edwards Takes On Robber Barons

Bully!

Trailing Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama in Iowa polls, former North Carolina Senator/Attorney and Born Again Po' Boy, Johnny Edwards swapped his workingman overalls for a fresh San Juan Hill look as he waved his stump sword at the unseen enemies of 21st Century Iowans: Robber Barons.

“I’ve been fighting these people all my entire life,”* Po' Boy Attorney Edwards declared in a wide gap-toothed grin beneath his pith helmet. A chorus of Iowa townsfolk backed up his every stanza:
“I fought them in the courtroom..."*
Chorus: (soft) Fought-fought-fought...
"And I’ve beat them and beat them."*
Chorus: (louder) Beat-beat-beat...
"We’ve got to stop being mealy-mouthed and careful."* And Edwards thrust a finger skyward while tucking his other hand inside his safari jacket.
Chorus: Got to Stop! Right Here! Because we've got Trouble...
Yes, this reporter noted, we've got trouble.
"We’ve got to get rid of the robber barons. We need to have some Guts.”*
That's Guts with a capitol G that rhymes with T and stands for whatever it takes to get noticed in the Hawkeye Caucus Circus.

And the townsfolk sang and danced around their candidate before he continued with arms akimbo and fire flashing from behind his steely pince-nez:
“It makes me angry,"* Edwards declared.
"I feeeel out-rage."*
Chorus: Out-rage!
"I won’t let them get away with it.” *
Underwhelmed, the Iowa townsfolk lifted Captain Edwards high above their shoulders and swept him--if not into the Oval Office--at least on the path to victory as they all sang "Hooray For Captain Edwards" to the tune of Hooray For Captain Spaulding.

***

dateline River City, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the lam, The Blog Party News, all rights rehearsed.
* True quotes, emphasis added

Mitt Punch-Drunk In Straw Poll Slam Dunk

"Golly," Tough-Talking Mitt Declares In Victory

In a stunning affirmation of the power of persistent campaigning with an unlimited war chest and a hand-picked electorate, former Massachusetts Governor and french missionary, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney declared himself the Strawman at the Republican-only, $35-per-vote Straw Poll (TM) held Saturday in Ames, Iowa in opposition to the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) in Des Moines. Unlike the Strawman Poll, the State Fair is open to all regardless of political affiliation and admission is considerably less than $35.

Mitt, dazed with his own brilliance to rally almost one-third (32%) of the Iowa Republicans bussed at his expense to the Straw Poll to vote for him, barely contained his enthusiasm when he shouted: “I’m pleased as punch that I won.”* Had he not mentioned "that I won," straw poll watchers across the country, no doubt, would've wondered what so pleased the candidate to motivate him to compare himself to a watery fruit drink. So, we polled our readers asking: "Is Mitt 'The Kid' Romney as electable as a bowl of punch now that he's swept the Iowa Straw Poll?"
Answers:
"Mitt Who?" Ed Frangazzi, Hackensack, NJ
"What's a straw poll?" Jeanne Metcalf, Santa Cruz, CA
"Romney...is he the guy from Maine?" G.W. Bush, Wash., DC
"I'd vote for the punch. Unless, it's lime punch. I hate lime punch...still, I'd consider voting for the lime punch instead of Romney." Jarrell Mantooth, Detroit, MI
"Why should Idaho get all the credit?" Gloria Vasquez, Borger, TX
"Sheeiit..." Sgt. Al Sanchez, Baghdad
"Straw poll? was that this weekend?" Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani
"Sheeiit..." John McCain, Marlow New Hampshire
"Put a little Jack Daniels in that punch and you mighta got yourself somethin'" Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson, Sour Mash, TN

Romney shrugged off suggestions that winning the Iowa Straw Poll was like winning the T-Ball World Series. And, in what this reporter interpreted as a veiled threat to voters who might have a change of heart before the Caucus, Mitt said: "We know where the people are who showed up. We know how to get them. We know how to bring them again.” **

Second-place Strawman, Mikey Huckleberry, (R-AR) seemed unimpressed with Mitt's 32-percent sweep, commenting that his 18% polling shows he's a real player. Sam Brownbag's (R-KS) surprisingly strong third-place finish (15%) prompted rumors of Sam and Huck forming a joint ticket or build a raft to float down the Mississippi. This was reinforced as they strode on stage, where Huckleberry picked up his trademark bass guitar and after wind-milling the opening riff to The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction," Brownbag shouted into the microphone, as the sky opened up in a cloud burst of near-Biblical irony: "It's a free election, man..."

Concern immediately spread that Mitt's "punch" had been spiked and, maybe, wasn't punch at all but, instead--Koolaid (TM) .

***

* Gee willickers, but that's a real Romney quote.
** Another real dang-tooten' Romney quote.

Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights wronged.

South Caroline and Iowa Secede?

Politoco Map Redrawn

Athwart the Fort Des Moines parapets, Governor Che 'Mr. T' Culvert, arms akimbo, announced Iowa's plans to leave the Union Primary System in response to the sovereign state of South Carolina's threat to form a "more perfect primary."

"A line has been crossed in the sands of time," South Carolina's Secretary of State For Elected Metaphors reportedly said, earlier, when informed that the Yankee state of New Hampshire had moved its capital to Boston and its primary date to January 2, 2005, a full three years before it was originally scheduled. Immediately, South Carolina ordered its political primary troops on full alert. Commodore Johnny Edwards, of neighboring North Carolina, phoned in his qualified support for the uprising from aboard his yacht-turned-frigate anchored near Charleston Bay, within view of Fort Sumter. "This injustice will not stand," the one-time, one-term, one-song attorney-turned-senator shouted from a pitching deck, having swapped his copyrighted Iowa workpersons' overalls for a support-the-troops sailor's suit (TM) complete with gold-braided epaulets, sash and a sword, which an aide showed the tiny admiral how to wield, since Edwards had no military background. *

Rebellion spread as news reporters leaked. By mid-afternoon Florida had announced that not only would it advance its primary date to January 1, 2004 in an effort to block "any northern aggression" but the governor ordered all Early Bird Specials moved to before noon. In response, Arizona moved Mexico a mile further from its border, New Mexico threatened to launch an unmanned space probe into California's primary slot, and swinging state Nevada posted five-to-one odds that the 2008 election would be held before the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago.

Throughout all this, President George W. Bush vacationed with Mum and Daddy in Kennebunkbed, Maine where he'd invited newly-elected-and-soon-to-be-impeached French President Bluubluubluu Sarkoozee--or some such unpronounceable name, for a sleepover. Through spokesman, Michael Moore, George Jr. said, "I've been to Iowa. It's a fine state of affairs." And since, the media love everything Mr. Moore says, it was accepted as truth. Upon seeing Michael Moore's hastily-produced docu-comedy on the new primary schedule, Electo, Iowa Governor Che 'Mr. T' Culvert, declared the first in the nation caucus over. “In this state," Culvert noted, "we’re going to still have Christmas.”**

And Mr. T was as good as his word. Tiny Edwards went on to sue South Carolina, and Mitt 'The Kid' Romney announced from a manger in Salt Lake City that he had already won the 2008 election, "Won it in 1968, when I was in France...with the Army."

And to all a good fight.

***

dateline: Des Moines, on a snowy August night. I'm Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights reserved and confidence refunded.

*Chris Dodd--rhymes with "God" and is the only Dem presidential candidate with any military experience

**actual quote, lifted out of context from the real Iowa governor, Chet Culver

Romney Struts His Military Prowess

In the final days along the Iowa campaign trail leading to Saturday's Republican Strawman Poll (TM), Mitt 'The Kid' Romney, NRA member-for-life-since-last-year, waved the yellow ribbon in support of US troops by touting his family's military service record: "My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers and they've chosen not to serve in the military and active duty and I respect their decision in that regard."*

The Kid then went on to explain to a polite but unimpressed Bettendorf, Iowa audience how those sons of Mitt's serve the troops without the inconvenience of actually serving with the troops: "One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president." *

Mitt, in his quest for greatness by becoming the new Commander Guy-In-Chief, has made it clear on several occasions that, as a draft-eligible young man, he'd chosen not to exercise his option to serve when eligible during the Vietnam War, preferering, instead, to take the Clintonian path of least draft exposure in Europe. Some analysts say that this pro-choice stance may come back to haunt, although, it's assumed that if pressed, The Kid -- and now The Kid's Kids -- will have a new stance, nullifying any previous stances. Because, dang, gotta admit, they do look presidential.

Former POW, Senator McCain (R-AZ), whose son is currently serving in the Marines, was not reached for comment. The Blog Party News would support and gladly referee a debate between the Romney Boys and Marine McCain. We suggest it be held in the Veterans Auditorium in Des Moines on November 11. Only veterans and their families would be invited to attend.

***

* Sadly, an actual quote

dateline: Bettendorf, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News ©

Blog Party Family Value Statement: The Blog Party News does not wish to drag innocent political family members into the arena. However, once a politician's relative steps on stage--all's fair.

--the publisher

Republicans Defy Iowa Sunday Norms

TeleTubby (TM) (TT) candidate and self-inherited millionaire, liberal/conservative, pro/con Mitt 'The Kid' Romney came out swinging at the Republican's Sunday Bunch 4 Brunch Debatable Notions Meet held in Des Moines while most Iowans were asleep, hungover or in church: "I get tired of people,"* the Michigan/Massachusetts politician and lifetime-for-almost-a-year NRA member said when provoked by his arch nemesis, Senator Sam Brownbag, who appeared to hover along with Governor Mike Huckleberry above the other candidates on a silvery cloud while a choir of nongendered angels clouded voters' minds.

The Kid clarified which people tired him, saying (after consulting instant poll response to the first part of his statement) that he was tired of people "...that are holier than thou..."* At this point it was unclear to this reporter if Romney meant Brownbag or the breakfast club moderator, ABC-TV's tossle-haired Georgio Stepenonalotofus. Romney then admitted that the holier thous had been "...pro-life longer than I have." *

Meanwhile, as the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment editor, David Yawpsum noted in his Monday morning column, Barbaric Yawp: "...among the hundreds of Republican candidates appearing on stage Sunday morning, many, if not most, appeared ready to attend church services should their handlers advise such a move."

Questions remained fairly tame throughout the morning as various candidates yawned, read the funnies and Senator McCain slipped off stage to refill his coffee mug at nearby Java Joe's (TM), timing his absence to avoid the sticky question: "Who among you still supports the Iraq War and President Bushcheney?" After a long pause, during which candidates appeared to be struck deaf, Yawpsum directed the question at Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani who smiled, pointed to an imaginary offstage wife and shrugged, bringing much needed laughter relief from the dozen or so audience members. Representative Tom Tancankerous of Colorado blew a raspberry, and when asked to elaborate muttered something about bombing the s&%^ outta countries full of illegal foreigners he found offensive.

With that the event was brought to a close. The Ladies Aid Society served coffee and caramel rolls in the basement rec room, after which all candidates--except Giuliani and McCain--raced to Ames for Saturday's Strawman Poll (TM) where Mitt places all his hopes on winning the bathing suit contest portion of the pageant. Recent polls, however, show Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law and/or Order' Thompson holding a substantial lead by not declaring his candidacy. When reached for comment, Boom-Boom's non-campaign manager said, "We declare too soon, we lose the initiative, so Senator Boom-Boom has no plans to announce until after he's elected." Upon hearing that, Senator Mickey McCain immediately announced from his campaign minivan, on its way to Keene, New Hampshire, that he wasn't running either, whereupon, Governor Romney shouted to reporters over the whine of his Learjet's engines: "I wasn't running before any of them weren't running...and I wasn't running in Iowa first!"

***

* Actual quote dissected out of context.
dateline Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, The Blog News, editor-on-the-lam