Saturday, December 29, 2007

Huckleberry Puts Pakistan on the Map

Pakistan Now Where Mexico Once Was
As the Mike Huckleberry campaign rethinks its decision to hire Lauren Caitlin Upton, the renowned Miss South Carolina, as a speechwriter to replace striking writers, the candidate--stumping in Pella, Iowa--stumbled through a pop quiz on his least favorite subject: Geography.
Mrs. Vernon Schaaksbref of Vinton, Iowa asked the former Arkansas governor, "Governor, given the recent tragic events in Pakistan, vis-a-vis Bhutto's assassination, or as the Musharraf government now considers it, a suicide--how would a Huckleberry administration react?"
The Southern Baptist, gun-waving, weight-losing, marathon-running, constantly-evolving, Republican(ish) front-runner squirmed uncomfortably while eyeing the plate of glazed Dutch Letters within reach before answering, "I'm glad you asked that question, and personally I believe it's a question that needs to be asked and one that, such as, as far as I can tell, no one, such as, has asked to this point. And to that point, such as," the sweating candidate continued to layout his geopolitical worldview in Miss South Carolina wing-it fashion, "we have more Pakistani illegals coming across our border than all other nationalities, except those immediately south of the border.”* He pointed vaguely at Missouri and then seemed to recover and shot back at the inquisitor: "Can we just focus on my weight lose? Does everything in politics nowadays have to be about world events?"




*That bit is a real quote.
dateline: Pellawindows, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights researched, refined and redefined for easier consumption.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Endorsements Fly in Iowa

Citing a looming deadline and the need to "pick someone," The Des Moines Register-Picayune announced its choices for the upcoming Iowa Caucus. At an unscripted live press conference, the newspaper's Politics-As-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpsun, read the winners' names from the back of a Court Avenue Brew Pub coaster: "Ah, for the Republican Party we picked...ah, just a sec," Yawpsun adjusted his reading glasses, "Can't read my own writing...least I think it's my handwriting." A hush filled the room until Yawpsun directed an Iowa Public TV reporter to quit hushing, and then continued, "Best I can tell, I recommend, wait, that's Senator...yeah, Senator McCain for the Republican nomination, and...huh?" Yawpsun paused, appearing confused. "Whaddya know," he mused, "I had written what looks like 'Obama,' could be 'Oprah'...might even be 'Omagosh,' can't tell. Anyhoooo, looks like I crossed it out and wrote in "The Clintons." An even bigger hush filled the room until Yawpsun, removing his glasses stared at the press corps and with arms wide, asked, "What? It was a long night; can't expect me to remember all them names...." He then left the stage muttering, "Not like anyone attending the caucus actually knows who the hell's running..."
Contacted in New Hampshire where he was changing a tire with his bare hands on his Never Give Up; Never Surrender Galaxy Quest campaign bus outside the Marlow VFW Hall, John McCain (R-AZ) said of the Des Moines Register-Picayune's endorsement: "Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I think we are starting to see some of the same thing we saw in 2000.” * Which, to this reporter, means that McCain sees himself getting trashed, again, by George W. Bush.
Meanwhile, a person-of-spokes for The Clintons campaign issued a carefully worded statement on legal paper stating, in part, that "It's about f*&ing time! What's wrong with those square-headed farmers? They think we slogged through that stupid state fair just to smell the pig poop? I mean, come on!"
Candidate Obamaladama paused while healing lepers before an estimated crowd of 300,000 at the Iowa State University Political Science Arena as moderator, Professor Stephano Schlitz, aka, "Dr. Political Death," informed the one-term Illinois candidate of the Des Moines newspaper's selections. Obamalamadama replied by striking a nearby stone with his staff and beer flowed forth. "Let's see them top that," the Senator quipped as the Iowa multitudes surged forward chanting: "Beer! Beer! Beer! Oh, Oh, Obamalamadama!"
In other endorsements: The Urbandale Shopper selected Mitt The Kid Romney (R?-MA) after he purchased the weekly handout for a reported $3 million. The NRA's The Rifleman magazine scoped New Mexico's Bill Richardson, because, as editor Lucas McCain noted, "He's the closest thing we got to the late Chuck Connors." Marie Osmond, in a surprise move, chose Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon) saying she could never resist a good bass man. Striking NBC writers voted to back Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-And/Or-Order Thompson and were immediatly hired to rewrite his campaign. The Minuteman Manifesto selected Tom Tancranko (R-CO). Senator Joseph Biden endorsed fellow Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), who, in a show of good sportsmanship, endorsed the Delaware Senator. No one endorsed Ron Paul (L-TX), but another $12 million magically appeared in his account from Internet donors, and Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) received the endorsement of the East Cleveland Middle School Gazette, narrowly defeating Republicanish Rudy The G-Man Giuliani.
* actual quote NY Times, December 18, 2007
dateline: Poliennui, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reaffirmed.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Writers Strike Disrupts Republican Debate

Candidates Without Mouthpieces Babble In Des Moines
Resorting to puns, cliches and...those other things that sound dumb, Republican candidates shuffled through yet another debate in Iowa, this one hosted by Sister Maria Belladonna, Guest Political Editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune. After making all candidates "line up behind his respective rostrum," Sister Belladonna fired the opening question at Governor Mitt The Kid Romney (R-MA, mostly): "Mister Romney, if elected president...stand up straight, please, Mr. Romney."
"Sorry, sister."
"And unless you've brought enough for everyone, please remove that smug confidence from your face."
Obligingly, Mitt stood up straight and waited the avenging nun to finish her question: " would you simultaneously secure our nation's borders, increase American worker productivity and mow your lawn?"
Romney began to smile, hesitated and replied, "I'm glad you asked that question."
Sr. Belladonna could be heard to mutter, "I'll bet you are," as she slapped a ruler against her palm.
Romney swallowed hard, seemed to be confused and resorted to an old stump speech: "Blah, blah, blah...blah, blah...blah!"
Both supporters in the audience of 12 applauded as the moderator turned her attention to Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR): "Mr. Huckleberry..."
"Yes, sister?"
"Please don't interrupt."
"As the current front-runner, how will you maintain this (pause) unlikely lead, given your opponents' willingness to, well, do whatever it takes to bring you down? You have 30 seconds."
"Thirty seconds for what?"
"To answer the question, Mr. Huckleberry."
"Twenty-five seconds."
With his patented deer-in-the-headlights gaze, Huckleberry--working for weeks without a speechwriter--replied: "kill the snake rather than just treat the snakebites...I can’t part the Red Sea, but I believe I can part the red tape...(and) a polarized country has led to a paralyzed government.”*
Sr. Belladonna stared, said nothing for 15 seconds as Huckleberry squirmed. Finally, "Thank you, Governor."
"I'm a governor, too, Sister!" Mitt Romney shouted.
"No talking out of turn..."
"I want to talk about illegal aliens, please, Sister," Congressman Tancranko (R-CO) whined.
"Not today, Mr. Tancranko," Sr. Belladonna said. "We're only talking about real issues today."
Tancranko, knowing he hadn't done his homework and would have nothing further to say, stormed off the stage muttering, "Stupid issues...stupid illegal space aliens...."
After a few more questions to which candidates simply repeated previously memorized speeches, Sister Belladonna removed her reading glasses and asked the assembled Republican presidential candidates: "Have any of you gentlemen done your homework?"
Romney's hand shot up, but Belladonna ignored him adding, "Anyone actually done his own homework?" Romney's hand slowly dropped, after which Rudy Giuliani shot a spit wad and Johnny McCain giggled, while Ronnie Paul tried to unravel his tie from the microphone cord.
Sister Belladonna rapped the moderator's rostrum with her ruler and demanded: "Show of hands, is anyone of you able to write his own words, to have an independent thought?" An awkward silence was interrupted by Freddie Thompson who pumped and arm fart. And with that, another presidential candidates debate was concluded and they all ran outside for recess...all except Romney who remained behind offering to help fold chairs. Sr. Belladonna refused his offer and was last seen lighting a cigarette as she left the building.
*real quotes: NY Times Dec. 13, 2007
dateline: Des Moines, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights revered.

Monday, December 10, 2007

O, Yes, IOWA

Crowds Show For Oprah; Some Stay To Hear Candidate
In the final countdown to Iowa Caucus 2008 (TM), candidates now divide their precious Hawkeye state moments between poking ever sharper sticks at each other and dragging out celebrity endorsements. Front runner, Mike Huckleberry (D-AR), has signed up aging Texas Fearless-Fu Fighter, Chuck Norris, as well as the previously uncommitted, Jesus Christ, who until recently was assumed to be remaining on the sidelines. A person-of-spokes for Christ told BPNN: "Jesus doesn't like to endorse candidates, per se, but ever since..." (she paused to whisper) "he whose name must never be spoken* has come out for Rudy "The G-Man" Giuliani, well, heaven knows we had to move, and since Oprah's made her pick, and Streisand hers, the selections were getting thin. So, we went with Mike."
The Streisand endorsement refers to the critical backing of Barbra Streisand, LLC., a factor sure to put Iowa caucus goers in a quandary, or as one potential caucuser, Millie Eckdevaalt, said at a recent Dancing With the Candidates event held at the newly remodeled, Pella IHOP **: "Barbra who?" When pressed about who'd she'd support, Eckdevaalt pointed to her red and black ABH (Anyone But Hillary) button and said, "I'd vote for Gilligan before I'd voter for them Clintons again."
Bob Denver (aka Gilligan) would not return our calls confirming his recent entry into this already crowded race. A person-of-spokes for Mr. Denver did, however, imply that Denver might be ineligible to run as he was dead. Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, reportedly has said that death could disqualify the otherwise "electable" candidate. Freddie "Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order" Thompson (R-NBC), who has long been rumored to be The Skipper, views a Gilligan run as potentially disastrous for the Iowa Caucus TV vote. Gilligan's campaign manager, Alan Hale, Jr., would neither confirm nor deny these rumors, which tells us that there's either a last-minute "Caucus surprise" in the works or not.
In other breaking Iowa campaign news, Mitt "The Kid" Romney (R-MA, MI, UT?)--who's trailing well behind Huckleberry and Gilligan in a recent BPNN/Des Moines Register-Picayune poll of illegal aliens likely to attend the caucus--appeared on live TV without the aid of striking speechwriters to announce that he is not a Muslim. Apparently, this was an Internet rumor and has been squashed, although, one has to wonder what the lingering effects will be. Candidate Romney went on to explain that his wife wears a respectable Republican cloth coat and that his son "Tagg" lives in a shoe with his dog and will not come out. The Romney campaign machine hopes this puts the whole Mormon/Muslim controversy to bed and the candidate can return to doing what Iowans like best about the Massachusetts governor--showering the state with money.
*Pat Robertson
**Iowa House Of Politics (TM)
dateline: Pella, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all flights canceled

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Ethanol State Caucus Turns Grassroot

Brew It Yerself, Pol Says
Democratic candidates elbowed for the lead in sustaining Iowa's ethanol caucus boom during a recent Iowa Public Radio candidates debate, with Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) seeming to take the lead with a new tact: "Under my administration, there will be an ethanol plant in every garage!" His Rooseveltian delivery impressed many listeners who immediately went on line to and pledged a record $456 to his flagging campaign. When pressed by moderator--NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me celeb, Carlos Casttillo--to explain just how the f*&# you plan to do that," Kuspinach flashed his famous lack of smile (rumor has it his tongue is pierced, which doesn't play well in Iowa) and said: "If caucusers will go to my website and make a pledge to become a Friend of Ethanol (TM), they will receive an Energy Independence Starter Kit (TM), which consists of four ears of price-supported Iowa corn, a tax credit and directions on how to build a wind-powered ethanol plant out or recycled campaign posters, suitable for either backyard or basement use."
Upon further investigation, it should be noted that Kuspinach may have gleaned the idea from George Bush, Jr.'s 2000 campaign proposal to put a "nucular power plant in every backyard, heh," an idea put on hold by his Uncle Dick until complete victory is achieved in the Mideast. Persons-of-spokes for neither The White House (TM) nor the the Kuspinach campaign responded to our repeated plans to contact them for comment. Nor, it should be noted, were we able to get our Homeland Ethanol Plant (TM) to produce as much gasoline substitute as candidates seem to promise. Although, by adding yeast and hops we have produced a drinkable beer and have invited all the candidates over for a post-Caucus party to be held at the Des Moines IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics) (TM) located on the corner of Court and 2nd Avenues. So far only Christopher Dodd (D-CT of West Des Moines) has responded: "Free beer? Damn skippy, I'll be there!" And then after some reflection asked, "I don't have to actually win the caucus to get the beer do I?"
No, Senator, Iowans are willing to share with anyone--Democrat, Republican--Winners and Losers alike....except, Hillary, she gets all mouthy and tries to dance when drunk.
dateline: Templeton, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor on the lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reworked.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Mitt Schmitt, We Got It Wrong

It's a rare event when the media err (pause to double check noun/verb agreement) and admit their mistake. We've made ours and, worse, have been caught. Over the years, we--The Media (TM) --have learned that it's not the mistake that causes the rukus, but the inevitable cover-up that gives a story legs. Take Condi Rice, for example--great legs. And she's rarely off the front page. Go back in political history to Donna Rice of Gary Hart lap-dancing fame--good legs, not great, so that scandal quietly slipped away. More recently, former fat Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR) surged in Iowa Polls when he came in third at the IHOP (Iowa House Of Politics (TM)) annual Run For Your Political Life Marathon held in Britt, Iowa, home of the Hobo Museum,* by pumping his post-heavy weight legs faster than any pundit willing to leave the Britt Bar & Grill could've imagined. Huckleberry easily passed Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons who have been stumbling recently while trying to run a three-legged race in a two-legged state.
We've learned this because making up news is easier than reporting it. So, we make stuff up. That's our job as dedicated members of the Fourth Estate. All of this makes it especially difficult for this editor to admit that we were wrong all along about former Massachusetts Governor Mitt "The Kid" Romney. His name isn't Mitt. It's Willard...yeah, like the creepy guy in the 1971 movie about the rats. Mitt is short for Milton....yeah, like the guy who wrote that boring Paradise Lost. You remember, that thing we were all supposed to read in college but no one did but laughed nonetheless when it was made into the movie Animal House.
No one may ever read this correction, but after several months of covering up our error, we knew it was time to come clean and clear Willard Milton's name. So, Mr. Romney...Mitt, we are truly sorry about your name.
dateline: Indianola, Iowa, editor, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights redefined.
*Britt Iowa's Hobo Museum--real place.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Musharraf Tosses Helmet in Iowa Caucus Ring

Iowa Caucus Race In Turmoil!

In a shocking special session Thanksgiving decision, the nation's highest court ruled that President-General Perezzzzzz Musharraf (R-PK) could reelect himself to the nation's highest office. Reaction from the White House was supportive: "He's a good man," President Bushcheney said while serving turkey and dressing to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (TM) at Camp David (TM) as the musical troupe prepared to deploy to Iraq, in what has been viewed as an effort to derail former Governor Mitt Romney's (R-MA) influence in the Iowa Caucus. The President then added with a smirk (TM): "(But) Mufassa (sic) needs to take off his uniform."


It took a week or so to translate "take off his uniform" into a workable phrase that the Pakistani General/President could accept, and with speechwriters still on strike, the White House was forced to outsource the translation to a Karachi firm, which apparently found just the right wording, because, today, Musharraf stood before his Parliament in civie skivvies and a NY Yankees baseball cap. With his voice echoing through the great hall, he said: "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth, oh yes, thank you very much, indeed." Musharraf then donned Johnny Edwards designer campaign blue jeans (TM) and announced his candidacy for the President of the United States.

Reaction in Iowa, the First-In-The-Nation Caucus State (TM), was swift-boat fast. "Now that Musharraf has entered the race," the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpson announced on his syndicated TV program, The Barbaric Yawp, "this changes the entire equation." Yawpsun--himself struggling in the wake of the writers strike, now in its seventh week--proceeded to illustrate his analysis on an erasable board using non-union phrases such as "it's a whole new ballgame," and "proof that Iowa voters are an independent-minded lot." He seemed to be on the verge of saying "as we go forward," when Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, took the microphone and said that "there were serious issues and questions regarding Mr. Musharaff's candidacy. Do we know anything about this guy? Is he really an Iowan or just pretending? I want bona fides."
The question seemed moot as the Internet was already awash with rumors that Musharaff was a "Mormon," and conservative radio host, Surge Windbag, rallied his WHO-Knewsradio audience to throw its support behind Chicago Senator Obamalamadama because, as Windbag seemed to imply (or we inferred), "he's no Mormon." Later, station owner, Don Imus, expressed shock and regret at Windbag's remarks and promised that former General President Musharaff would receive a big, friendly Iowa welcome and a seasonal "Ho-Ho-Ho!"
Elsewhere in Iowa, the Huckleberry (R?-AR) campaign--which has been surging in recent polls much to the candidate's own surprise and Romney-Rudy's collective chagrin--expressed, through his campaign spokesman and former Iowa Senate pro tem, Danny Carroll, moral concern about run-on sentences and Musharaff's ability to lead the United States: “I think it just causes some uneasiness as to how somebody is going to respond when heavy responsibility is placed on them. I think the Christian would like to know that the person has a strong anchor and prays to the God of the Bible (TM).”* Bibles of the God © were then dropped from a circling USAF C-130 cargo plane onto the Iowa masses undecided about which God endorsed which candidate. Those not enraptured by the message were rendered unconscious. "The Christian," Carroll referenced was unavailable for comment.
dateline: Turmoil, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party Muse Network ©, all rights returned for deposit.
* actual quote: NY Times November 28, 2007

Monday, November 12, 2007

Writers Strike At Clintons Iowa Campaign

With The United Brother and/or Sisterhood of Amalgamated Speechwriters, Seamfitters and Lollipop Leaguers still on strike, presidential campaigns across Iowa are spinning out of control as candidates' aides desperately comb local colleges for any unused words. Aides in the Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons' Brigade took a page from the FEMA self-examination book and allegedly coaxed a Grinnell College Student to toss the New York senator a slow pitch during a recent campaign stop. "Um, Ms. Senator Clintons, like, um, if you were to um, you know, like, should get, um, like elected or even caucused?"
Senator Clintons immediately picked up the ball and launched into a practiced speech on motherhood, clean air and her evolving views on water-boarding. She then vanished in a puff of smoke while a deep voice, rumored to be from Billy, her darker half, warned the suddenly terrified Grinnellkins to "Ignore the words behind the curtain." Unfortunately for the Clintons a reporter from the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Inc. persisted in pulling back that curtain and discovered that the student's questions was a plant, a dupe, a patsy, I tells ya, and the Hilly/Billy campaign knew all along.
A campaign staffer immediately stopped the BPNN investigation by invoking the Moving Forward immunity card: “It’s not something we do,"* Mr. Elleithheeheehee smugly announced.
"What, water-boarding?"
"No, planting questions," Elleithheeheehee continued unfazed. "It’s not an 'official' campaign policy.” He seemed to punctuate his 'statement' with air quotes and then elaborated on Clintons' My dog didn't bite you, but if it did, it wasn't my dog campaign rationale: “But it is now an 'official' campaign policy that we will not do this moving forward.” **
There it is. Once a candidate "moves forward" there's nothing anyone can do, especially in Iowa, a state with the motto: A Place To Go Forward © . As though to emphasize the hopelessness, Grinnellkens saw Senator Hilly/Billy turn over an over sized hour glass and declare, "Only eight weeks to Caucus time, my pretties...!" Her cackling laugh terrified second tier candidates cowering in a nearby shrubbery.
In a usual display of rehearsed pluck, candidate Johnny Edwards (D-ESQ) announced, "Wait! I just might have an idea..."
(to be continued?) ***
dateline: Emerald City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network, (BPNN) ©, all rights temporarily wronged.
*Actual quote from Elleithheeheehee, NYTimes, November 12, 2007
** ibid
*** Not if you vote first and Vote Iowa Blog Party!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Writers Strike Enters Week 2 in Iowa Caucus

Candidates Speechless!
With presidential hopefuls wandering wordlessly across freshly harvested Iowa cornfields in desperate search for quips and original thoughts, neither party can deny the effects wrought by the Speechwriters Guild strike, now entering its second week and causing even Blog Party News Network (BPNN) writers to resort to excessive adjective build-up, camp metaphor and lack of sentence-ending punctuation..."We're reduced to using an ellipse at the end of every darn sentence..." said David Yawpson, the Politics-As-Entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, where staff writers--although not Guild members, themselves--refuse to cross striking writer picket lines, "Unless there's, like, an exclusive, you, interview just sitting there," Yawpson admitted while flashing his boyish grin, recognizable by viewers of his hit PBS TV series, The Barbaric Yawp...and with no end to that sentence in sight, we're forced to shift to a new paragraph.
Seemingly unaffected by the Writers Strike (TM) is former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckleberry, who's amassed a war chest of words, most from Ye Olde Testament! © and therefore considered, by some, to be in public domain. When confronted by fellow self-proclaimed conservative alternative to Rudy The G-Man Giuliani, Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order Thompson pulled out all the metaphorical stops and stopped just short of calling Huckleberry a "Hillary" by, instead, labeling him a “pro-life liberal.”*
Bold talk for a one-term fat man, but former fat man Huckleberry, dressed in flowing robe and sandals shot back: "Lo! Verily though the Writers Guild beith on strike, and Fred doth struggle to get some lines,” he paused to allow the swelling masses to catch up on his march across the vast Iowa landscape, “Whoever doth put such line together doth writeth for the comedy and, verily, not for a serious political drama.”**
Outside a nearby MaidRite (TM) cafe, a bush burst into flame.
Dateline: Ecclesiastes, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, Blog Party News Network ©, all rights conferred by a First Amendment-loving God.
*True quote. Unbelievable but true.
**Actual quote...well, close to the actual thing. Go to and judgeth for thine self:

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Pat Robertson Comes Out...

...For Rudy!
In a stunning, and might we add--bold--display of political in-your-faceness, the Rev. Pat Robertson, who takes his orders directly from a gay-fearing God, ordered his Christian Broadcasting Network to get behind the pro-Choice, pro-Gay, New York City candidate. Why?
“Rudy’s a very good friend of mine,” Robertson admitted. *
To which we at BPNN say, "You go, Pat! You go!"
Maybe this time, he will.
Staff editorial, Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights no doubt condemned by Pat Robertson.
* Actual quote. For complete text of Pat Robertson's gushy relationship with the tough-talkin' Manhattan Mayor, go to: November 8, 2007.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Writers Strike At Iowa Caucus

Pols Dumbstruck as Ratings Plummet
Iowans awoke today to the consequences of the Writers Guild strike when the state's favorite reality program Democrat Party! © was removed from the Fox TV lineup and replaced by reruns of Ronald Reagan's hit 1980s series, Mornin', America! ©
"It's a nightmare," The Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-As-Entertainment-Editor, David Yawpson, remarked before a taping of the his weekly PBS series, The Barbaric Yawp. He then seemed stuck for words and stared blankly at this reporter until finally repeating, "It's a nightmare." Sweat was noticeable beneath his two-day old makeup, the result--this reporter can only conclude--from the Local Brotherhood of Makeup Artists and Seam Fitters (LBMASF) refusing to cross the writers' picket line that stretched around the public TV facility.
Effects from the writers walkout continued to be noticed across the Hawkeye state as presidential campaigns sputtered and stalled in small towns, where once glib politicians, armed by speechwriters, babbled aimlessly about Iraq, taxes and ethanol. With their writers on strike, they had to babble unassisted. It was ugly.
Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY, AR, IL), appearing in Iowa's famed Amana Refrigerator Colonies, feigned laryngitis and shrugged as reporters shouted questions. At her husband's suggestions, she managed a smile.
Senator Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order Thompson (R-NBC), currently floundering on the Iowa campaign trail even with the best Hollywood writers, was silenced mid-sentence while appearing at a Conservatives Against Everything rally in Waterloo. A quick-thinking aide noted the impending disaster and instantly reprogrammed the Senator to replay his role of the president in Hunt For Reds in October. The right-wing crowd seemed relieved and joined in Thompson's Marxist campaign song, "Whatever it is, I'm Against it!" *
Senator Obalamadama (D-CHI) didn't seem ruffled by the Writers Guild strike. "Read this," he quipped through cigarette smoke as he tossed an Iowa Code (law book) at this non-striking writer. "Iowa's a right-to-work state, man." My blank stare caused the senator to elaborate. "Dig it: I can use non-union writers here, and there ain't nuthin' the Guild can do or think about it." Appearing later that evening before the League of Homeless Voters in Ames, Iowa, Obalamadama launched into his non-union speech aimed at his nearest competitor, Senator Johnny Edwards (D-NC, LLC): "He wear no shine...He got holy roller...(But) He one mojo filter!" Pausing briefly to savor the applause, he drove home his message: "I am the walrus...coo-coo-ca-choo!" **
Former Governor Rudy The G-Man Giuliani (R-NY) smiled when asked if the writers' strike would negatively impact his plans to invade any country ending in an. "No way," Rudy dismissed the question. "I don't need no stinkin' script, I got Pat Robertson on my team--don't think that didn't cost me. 'sides, I memorized my line long ago." He then pushed away to work a crowd of adoring fans who chanted, "9-11...9-11...!"
Senator Joe Bidentime (D-DE), appearing before Cub Scout Troop 135 in Promise City, Iowa*** seemed least impacted by the writers' strike as he continued talking well past the strike deadline and his audience's bedtime.
Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), who claims to have never used professional writer staff, took the opportunity to resurrect an old script he's been trying to pedal for seven years. Impeach Cheney! was rejected by the Congressional Thought Control Committee but, in a move only possible in Iowa, was immediately scooped up by Rejection Slip Theater ©, which plans to turn the somewhat improbable storyline into a comedy. "Maybe add a dynamite dance number," RST's executive producer, Joe Pundzak, added when asked what could possibly be done to salvage the administration. When asked if he'd approve the Kuspinich radio musical, Rejection Slip Theater's host, Paul Berge, said, "I'm no writer; I just read the lines put in front of me."
Dateline: Denison, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights considered.
* Groucho Marx, gleaned under Fair Use, from Animal Crackers © 1930
** Yeah, Beatles ©. Whaddya expect from non-onion writers?
*** Real place in southern Iowa.

Friday, November 2, 2007

O, Mama--Obama Wanna Change!

There, it's on the table: "I think it is important for us to send a signal," Senator Obamalamadama (D-CHI) said after the butt-whuppin' he took in Philadelphia when he dared attack Senator Clintons during a taping of the Fox-TV sitcom (1) , Democrat Party! © "That," Senator O continued, "we are not hellbent on regime change, just for the sake of regime change, but expect changes in behavior." *
That word, again--"behaviour." Clintons' behaviour has long been the whispered undercurrent of the Democratic Primary season. Party faithful know that to speak what must never be spoken (that the 30-year war between the two royal families: Clintons and Bushcheney cannot be allowed to go on) plays into media hands. "This thing, " Party capo regime, Dean Howard, recently noted at a secret meeting of Iowa Democrat leaders in a backroom of the West Des Moines IHOP **, "This si...silly thing cannot be allowed to go's unholy and stops here."
Obamalamadama apparently agreed and showed remarkably restrained courage--if not self-destructive political impulses--by cautiously signalling it was, perhaps, maybe, could be time for "regime change" or behaviour change, whatever. Hellbent or otherwise, the freshman senator has been losing muscle in Iowa polls, but his sudden willingness to lash out against Clintons, comparing her--as we interpret it--to Bushcheney, says something about the entire process. Frankly, what it says is beyond us. But playing the Behavioural Card (TM) is clearly a signal that something is afoot, begging the question: Plots has he laid? What other cards, we must ask, is the Chicago senator yet willing to play? Does he, like so many other Dems, suspect that Clintons may not be the real power behind the party and that the strings are being pulled by that shadowy political operative, Iowa's governor Chet Barzini? We can only speculate, because the facts stubbornly refuse to expose themselves to the sunlight of tough investigatory reporting without actually getting the facts. That said, we can only note that "regime change," may indeed, already be under way. Still, as party leaders stood to applaud what Obamalamadama called, "the peace we have made here today," this reporter can only wonder if the Clintons will calmly accept regime change or, once again, "go to the mattresses."
dateline: Corleone, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, © Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reserved, take the cannolis ©.
(1) Democrat Party! © a BPNN production, was recently cancelled by NBC and sold to Fox.
*Actual quote...although, upon reflection, the senator may have been referring to regimes other than the Clintons/Bushcheney 30-year war.
Iowa House Of Politics, a division of the International House Of Parody (TM) . Not a real quote.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Rudy's Mouthpiece Takes Biden Bait

Referring to Joe Bidentime as “The good senator,"* Rudy The G-Man Giuliani's communications director, Katie Levinson (rumored to be one of the ex-mayor's next ex-wives) signaled that the Giuliani team sees the Delaware senator as a clear and present threat in 2008 and not the also-ran as viewed by most Iowa Democrats.
Beyond being merely "good" Ms. Levinson went on to explain that Joe "is quite correct that there are many differences between Rudy and him.”* She then reached back two decades to Bidentime's failure to footnote sources in a Poli-Sci 101 term paper he'd handed in while still a sophomore in presidential politics: “For starters,” Ms. Levinson continued, “Rudy..." The casual, almost familiar, use of the the former mayor's first name should be noted here: "(Rudy) rarely reads prepared speeches..." *
Levinson then clarified that apparently when Rudy does read so-called prepared speeches "he isn’t prone to ripping off the text from others. And," she continued her attack with a metaphorical shift, "Senator Biden certainly falls into the bucket of those (at the recent Democrat Philly-Whup-Hilly debate) who have never had executive experience and have never run anything."*
In fairness, it should be noted that the Delaware senator had run for president in 1988, losing because of the improperly-cited (plagiarized) passage and the fact that his paper was not typed.
"Wait," Levinson then added, as though having an original thought, while turning to the next page in her prepared statement, "I take that back; Senator Biden has never run anything (wait for it...) but his mouth.”*
This neener-neener-neener comment seemed to signal the next phase of Rudy's campaign to win in Iowa, or at least be distinguishable from the other out-of-staters in gray suits posing in bean fields. Rudy's campaign supporters immediately held up signs reading Has Run More Than His Mouth! when to everyone's surprise, Ms. Levinson, pulled off her glasses, undid the top button on her Republican clothe blouse and announced: "I, Katie Levinson, have a better chance of becoming president than he does!” *
Rudy supporters looked momentarily stunned, but being well-trained, instantly dropped their Rudy placards and replaced them with lipstick red: Katie--A Better Chance!
In a faraway castle, atop a dark mountain shrouded in fog, Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons, surrounded by winged monkeys, watched the shifting images in her crystal ball and smiled. "We'll see about your 'better chance,' my pretty." Her cackling laugh sent shivers through all the Who's in Whoville, Iowa, who--unbeknown to her--slowly found the courage to stand up to her dinner-time robo-calls.
As for the Delaware senator, who had been polling in single digits in the Ethanol State, Joe Bidentime was scheduled to speak at the opening of a new IHOP (TM) (Iowa House of Politics ©) in River City, Iowa, ** but was, instead, spotted by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-As-Entertainment editor, David Yawpson, at a Kinko's copying parts of the Gettysburg address for his next stump speech.
Dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reworded.
* Actual lengthy Levinson statement taken out of context, because it's just too boring to run unedited with an imagined background and laugh track. To read the more-or-less complete text of Levinson's rant, visit NY Times Nov 1 edition.
** Real place and future birthplace of Captain James Tiberius Kirk
IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics, a division of the International House Of Parody (TM). Not affiliated with pancakes, international, domestic or otherwise.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Clintons Show Steel In Philly

Democratic candidates came together last night in the City of Brotherly Love for a rare display of unity to kick the tar out of the Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY, ETC)...or so they hoped. Candidate Obalamadama (D-CHI) seemed to lead the suicide attack by strapping on the threadbare Rush Limbaugh mantle of If You Can't Say Anything Nice, Just Say 'Clinton'. The half-term Senator from Chicago forgot that Rush is a clown, so his imitation of the Republican court jester took some of the sting out his stab: “It is the fight that we’ve been through since the ’90s," Obamalamada said. "And part of the job of the next president is to break the gridlock and to get Democrats and independents and Republicans to start working together to solve these big problems.”* Those big problems, presumably, being Clintons--maybe Bushcheneys--it was a little unclear to this reporter.
Former Senator Johnny Edwards (, NC) egged Obamalama on, whispering that he knew a good lawyer in case this tactic failed. He could be seen slipping him a business card on which was printed, Edwards, would make a swell VP. Works on contingency. Call.
Clintons, dazed but still standing, replied: “I need to rebut that,"** Whereupon her supporters broke with NBC debate protocol and chanted "Rebut that! Rebut that..." until moderator Tim Russet threatened to "clear the courtroom if there was one more outburst. This is a circus not a debate...ah, a debacle, not a, a ...oh, never mind."
Two bright spots in the Democrats' evening of discontent were Bill Richards (D-NM), sporting a black cape and mask, jumping to Clintons' defense. Waving a sword and stroking his pencil-thin mustache he challenged his fellow candiditoes to "Unhand that fairly lady. These are no ways for Democraticos for to be behaving. It is the Senor Bushcheneys we must defeat. There is no honor on this path you have chosen." He then rode off on his white charger and was never heard from again. Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!) took advantage of the awkward silence that followed to announce that he'd seen a UFO. Whereupon, everyone laughed, and theme music rose to indicate that another episode of Democrat Party! © had come to a close. Citing low ratings, though, NBC subsequently announced that the political sitcom was being replaced by Howie Mandel's Republican reality show: Appeal/No Appeal ©, in which a half-dozen rich white guys in dark suits vie to hide their pasts and appear tougher than an old Vietnam POW/fighter pilot. Early audience response seems to indicate a possible hit series with comments such as "Rudy's imitation of the Fonz is killer, just killer," a likely voter from Des Moines said.
Dateline: Philadelphia, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights regurgitated, opinions may vary.
* Actual quote
**Actual quote

Friday, October 26, 2007

Iowa Update: Hair Raising Torture

As Iowa plays Hide-The-Caucus by continually shifting the date, presidential hopefuls continue undeterred to search for it. This week, alone, candidates Rudy The G-Man Giuliani (R-NY) and Senator Mickey McCain (R-AZ) struggled for Hawkeye hearts and/or minds by parsing the meaning of torture vis-a-vis waterboarding. The argument is mute to many Iowans who quietly believe that all presidential candidates should be tortured, "Give 'em back a little taste of what they been puttin' us through," Earl Soyrust, an independent voter from Twofourdee, Iowa, remarked after leaving a mandatory Meet Hillary Or Else event. "She calls in the middle of dinner, she calls on weekends," he lamented. "The lady just don't know when to shut up." At which point, Earl's wife, Annette, quipped, "Lot like that Biden fella." Earl nodded but said nothing more, suspecting that Clinton informants might still be in the crowd.
Democrats aren't the only ones feeling the shift in Iowa attitudes toward the political pestilence that won't leave the prairie. Giuliani recently complained while doing his Rodney Dangerfield act in Davenport: "I’m getting tortured running for president of the United States."* Rudy rolled his eyes and adjusted his tie, pausing to relish the laughter, before concluding: "That’s plain silly. That’s silly.”* The fallout was almost immediate as David Yawpson, Politics-As-Entertainment-Editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune, wrote in his syndicated column, My Barbaric Yawp ©: "Mr. Giuliani is slowly learning that Iowans know silly. Iowans like silly. And we like it plain."
Other candidates less concerned about looking silly, immediately charged into the expanding silly gap. Senator Chris Dodd (rhymes with "God") unleashed a barrage of silly TV ads, produced by unemployed actors from Iowa's Rejection Slip Theater, (TM) in which fictitious Iowans politely note how great the senator's hair is despite the grueling demands of campaigning in a state where a haircut costs $15. **
The candidate who will probably benefit most from this "silly" shift in the run-up to the Iowa Caucus Night (whenever it is), could be Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), who has a long record of looking and sounding silly on the stump. In an uncharacteristic stance against silliness in politics, Kuspinich, speaking before a homeless audience in Ames, Iowa, allegedly said that once he solved all the problems facing the other candidates--war, poverty, insurance renewal forms--he'd reshape the entire public forum, "beginning," he was heard to say, "with those damn Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers (TM) ads on National Public Radio (NPR)! You know the ones, something about car owners needing a sympathetic ear...and engine shampoos!" The crowd leapt to its feet as though to leave, but, since the exit doors were locked, cheered Kuspinich on. "When elected, I promise to eliminate engine shampoos!"
This reporter missed the remainder of the stump speech, presumably drowned out by the madding crowd, although, in reality, I just couldn't hear Game 2 of the World Series and wanted to know how Mitt The Kid Glove Romney's team was doing against Tancredo's Colorado Rockettes. (TM)***
* actual quote taken completely out of context, and out of Davenport.
** Honest, he's really running ads about his hair. Great hair, to be certain, as BPNN has noted for months.
*** Romney 2, Tancredo 1
Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artiie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, © The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights remaindered, all bottles rinsed before recycling.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Mitt Sox Colorado

Iowa Next?

Mitt The Kid Glove Romney, strode onto the field at Boston's Fenway Park last night before Game 1 of the 2007 World Series/Caucus to toss out the first unbeliever and simultaneously launch sidearm high heat at the Democrats (or Terrorists; that distinction has been muddied in this campaign): "Just look at what Osam, uh, Barack Obama, said just yesterday, Barack Obama, calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq."* The Fenway Park crowd of 47 million adoring fans of their former governor, instantly broke into song: "Come together, right now...over Mitt!"

Massachusetts Governor Romney then rose in a swirl of honey bees and was placed in the highest sky box to watch his Red Sox paste the devil-worshipping Colorado Rockies 130-1. Mitt barely suppressed a smirk as his youngest son, Dustin, led the Red Sox order with a homer off the rim of the center field Green Monster. Mitt's middle son, Josh, rallied the Romney boys' defense of their Dad's presidential run by pitching a nearly perfect game, allowing only one run when Hilly/Billy Clinton momentarily distracted him by skywriting above the stadium: "This ain't Iowa!" Two of Romney's other sons--Manny and Youk--made certain Dad's line drive for the White House remained on course with performances Boston hasn't seen since the Romney family led troops up nearby Bunker Hill in 1775.

Meanwhile, Colorado's manager, Tom Tancredo, could be seen rending his garments and weeping visibly in the Rockies' dugout as he sent his last reliever pitcher, 12-year-old Little Leaguer, Ronnie Paul from Greeley, CO, in to face the the Romney juggernaut. Paul is reported to be resting in stable condition.

After the game, a Mitt aide reportedly said to this BPNN reporter: "Major League Baseball teams just shouldn't be named for states, that's the point we made and the point that will spearhead this team to the White House..."** Tancredo meanwhile seemed to collapse when told that Game #2 would be fought against Romney's eldest son, Curt.

Elsewhere: In response to Romney's unprecedented march through Boston, rival candidate Rudy The G-Man Giuliani redoubled his efforts by reportedly telling a packed crowd of 37 at a newly opened IHOP*** in Elsewhere, Iowa that "Iowans have nothing....nothing to fear but," he warned, "Stay very, very afraid."**** Sadly for Rudy, most Iowans aren't afraid and were home watching the series and quietly mourning the Cubs.

*actual quote. Tomato/potato, they're all good.
**unverified at press time...or any time for that matter.
***IHOP Iowa House of Politics, not affiliated with IHOP--International House of Parody.
****unverified but reasonable
Dateline: Boston, Artie Azzetti, sports editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network-Sports (BPNN-S), all rights returned.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Romney Leads Red Sox To Victory

Not since Rudy The G-Man Giuliani led the '69 NY Mets to the World Series has a baseball club rallied behind a leader such as Mitt (as in baseball) Kid-Glove Romney. Or so was the impression the former Governor of Massachusetts, wearing BoSox red, seemed to convey during last night's Republican cage debate, during which Senator McCain responded by pulling off his face mask and knee guards to show fellow candidates what real leadership scars looked like, noting that he couldn't attend the '69 World Series (or '69 Woodstock for that matter* ) because, as the former Navy pilot and POW noted: "I was tied up at the time." **
Mitt lost no time responding that he, too, was otherwise committed in 1969, saving Parisians from perdition as a Mormon missionary and therefore unable to serve in either the US military or Major League Baseball. And without drawing breath--as though breathing through gills--Mitt said that his five sons--all of eligible baseball age--could have and would have played for the Red Sox, but chose, instead, to support their dad in his line drive for the White House. "Although," the former Massachusetts governor quickly reminded, "I'm not now pro-choice." To which Giuliani blew a loud raspberry and stage-whispered, "Been there, done that, got the wet T-shirt."
Mike Huckleberry (R-AR) desperately tried to remind the candidates that Ronald Reagan (D&R CA)--who'd played many a warrior, sports hero and a US president with convincing skill--had warned on his deathbed that Republicans should never attack Republicans. Whereupon, Giuliani shot a spit wad across the room at Huckleberry. It missed, ricocheted off Tancredo--known as the Green Card Monster of Politics--and caught former TV star Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson (R-NBC) square in the jowls. As moderator Chris Mathews waded into the GOP meltdown, Huckleberry pleaded to the camera for comity, quoting Martin Luther King: "Can't we all just get along?" McCain pulled down his catcher's mask, leaped atop his rostrum and howled: "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" ***
Luckily, for the GOP, no one was watching as the nation's TVs were set to witness Boston beat the beans out of Cleveland 11-2. Tancredo (R-CO), however, mumbled something about the National League champion Colorado Rockies being unbeatable. He then weighed into the fight hoping to collar an illegal immigrant among the candidates.
*Woodstock, for those who can't forget...or remember, will soon be re-immortalized thanks to a million-dollar taxpayer grant for a Woodstock Museum, compliments of HillyBilly Clinton (D-NY)
**Actual quote
*** © Galaxy Quest, used without permission by the McCain Rebirth Campaign
Dateline: River City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, BPNN (Blog Party News Network) (TM), all rights returned.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Iowa Caucus Round Up the Usual Suspects

What We Know So Far (in Cliffs Notes depth) of the Front Runners and Boot Lickers

Can't keep track of the presidential hopeful field of dreams? No problem. We can't either, and here in Iowa the truth is, we don't really pay much attention until Caucus night, and by then we vote for whatever candidate brings the best caramel rolls. But for political junkies outside the ethanol belt, here's how Iowans see the Red and Blue lightweight contenders:

Senator Brownbag (R-KS?): Out and not missed, because we weren't really sure which one he was. Kept confusing him with Governor Huckleberry. One's from Kansas and the other from Arkansas, although on mailings the abbreviation for Arkansas (AR) was often mistakenly printed as AK, which is Alaska, and there's just no way Iowans will vote for anyone from a state that a) is colder than Mason City and b) gets more federal subsidies.

Governor Huckleberry (R-AK?): We think he's the one who's not Tancredo. Big eyes, never appears in a bathing suit due to stretch marks but a mean-ass bass player. Promises to eliminate income taxes (which doesn't get him the CPA vote here) and wants all US citizens to due push-ups. Bottom line: Huckleberry is on the way out. Still, dynamite bass man. Shame.

Tancredo (R-CO): Not since Lyndon LaRouche have so many Iowans been so...what's the word...? Scared of a Johnny-one-note political cartoon. Note to Tancranko: We don't really care that much about immigration. Many Iowans come from immigrant stock, yah, you be bechya. Tancredo: never in, so Out.

Senator Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson (R-NBC): We love this guy. Not since Professor Harold Hill sang and danced his way into Marion the Librarian's bloomers, have Iowan's taken to a conman with such enthusiasm. But, as we like to say in River City, "He's got Trouble...with a capitol T that rhymes with P and stands for Polls, my friends. They lie. We lie. Iowans love to lie to the big-city pollsters who call us up during chore time askin' who we's gunna caucus fer. We lie. We'll keep Thompson alive just 'cause he's kinda funny to Ed Sullivan with a southern accent. In the end: Thompson is cancelled. We'll still watch him in reruns, though.

Obamalamadama (D-CHI): We dig this guy, want to hang out with him in smokey blues joints off downtown Des Moines. Not quite the bass man as Huckleberry, but smoooth with three ooo's. We're told he's black, and Iowan's are famously comfortable in our multi-cultural skins. Those who aren't, quietly note that he's also half-white. Either way, we like Obamalamadama...but don't expect too many to actually vote for him. Shame, he's probably the best of the lot.

Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY/AR/DC...): While Obamalamadama may only be half-black (or half-white, depending upon your Rorschach view) Hillary is all woman. We think. Frankly, she's scares some of us, so we'll probably vote for her in open caucus. Which means she'll win the Iowa Caucus, go on to scare the tar outa New Hampshire and South Carolina (but not Nevada) and win the nomination. Once we Iowans get into the secret voting booth, however, we'll vote for whatever plastic bobble head the Republicans offer.

Edwards (D-NC/IA): Johnny has been in Iowa so long he's become un-noticeable, except for those stupid blue jeans. No one in real Iowa wears jeans that fit like that. The average Iowan (male or female) has a 43 waistline. Off-the-Walmart-rack, you can only buy size 42 or 44. That means Iowa women look like summer sausage extruding from their undersized jeans while the male crowd flops around in Depression-era pants with plenty of comfort zone for emergencies. Here's the deal, though: Johnny Edwards' one theme is poverty. Hello, FDR? Iowans are raking in the federally subsidized ethanol dollars lately and don't care to be treated as Lil' Abner characters in the Edwards passion playground. 'sides, Freddie Boom-Boom does a better good-ole-boy drawl.

Dodd (D-CT/Fenway Park): Rhymes with "God." Great hair. Drinks beer. Served in the military. What's not to like? We'll find something and, like Biden, the other truly qualified candidate in this hog race, we'll dump him.

Bidentime (D-DE): Funny guy. Won't shut up, but funny. Smart, too. Won't shut up. Like Dodd, knows a lot about foreign policy, like, fer instance that the Iraq war thing didn't work out so well. Plan to undo that mess? Not invade Iraq again. Voter response: See Dodd.

Giuliani (R-NYC): Like Tancredo, Rudy The G-Man Giuliani is a one-hit wonder. Yeah, he was mayor of NYC when it was attacked...SIX YEARS AGO! Since then, he's gone through almost as many political and social conversions as Iowa's least favorite candidate...

Mitt The Kid Romney (R-UT, MA, MI): In purple trucks, weighing in at whatever weight gets him the most support for the bucks he's slathered on Iowa (a state that appreciates out-of-town subsidies). Mitt and Sons, LLC has all the charm to Iowans as someone trying to impersonate Prof. Harold Hill. Hey, Mitt, if you're gonna con, get a better song and dance. But, keep buying that air time for your Leaver It To Beaver TV ads. Iowa media like the revenue stream. Bottom line: we'd vote for Eddie Haskel or Lumpy Rutherford before Romney. And it's not just because of that whole Larry Craig thing, either. We found that rather amusing, because Iowans have long had our suspicions about Minnesota. I'm just saying...

Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY): Did I mention she really scares us? In a recent secret poll by David Yawpson, Politics as Entertainment Editor of the Des Moines Register/Picayune, 78% of Iowa males likely to caucus, said that Hillary reminded them of their junior high school vice-principal. That same poll showed that 89% of Iowa males likely to caucus, who'd attended Catholic school, said that Hillary reminded them of the "a mean nun who knows what naughty thoughts you harbor."
McCain: Tired, beat up, getting a little short-tempered... That's how Iowans' feel about McCain's constantly reemerging campaign. Although, we do like his Galaxy Quest motto: "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" Still, we admire the old warrior, and where we might view Hillary as the evil vice-principal, Mr. McCain is the principal who wants to catch us smoking by the dumpster. With respect, Senator: Time's up.

Kuspinich (D-OH!): Remember, America, we Iowans get to vote first, so if you don't buy our ethanol--and we mean in big boatloads--or send us a serious candidate we just might caucus Dennis Kuspinich onto your ballot.


Dateline: River City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, BPNN (Blog Party News Network) (TM), all rights reserved for possible revision.

*Margin of error +/- 100%. Yes, caucus is used as a verb.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

FaceBlog: Iowa

What a Long Strange Trippi It's Been
Remember this cool statement? “As far as the Internet, this is still the wagon trains coming across the prairie...Everyone is still a pioneer out there. Everything is learn by doing it.”* Joe Trippi--who rode herd on the Howard Dean Dream Scream Team to political Armageddon in the Iowa 2004 Caucus, and should not be confused with Joe Torre who is rumored to being considered as the new manager of the Rudy The G-Man Giuliani campaign 2008--predicted in April, 2007 that Iowans would embrace the promising technology of ox-drawn political metaphors, thus stampeding like so many dumb heifers in support of his man, Johnny I Wear Farmer Pants Edwards. What Trippi and many outsiders never grasp about Iowa is that the real 19th Century wagon trains may have moved on to the West Coast, but Iowa was settled by pioneers who, after crossing the Mississippi River and seeing all that prairie stretching to the horizon, looked around and said, "Screw it. This is far enough." They then held a Steak Fry (TM) and built a mighty tollgate to any future presidential hopefuls trying to cross the mid-continent bridge to the White House (TM) . **
Apparently, after some reflection, and the prospects of an old-fashioned Hawkeye butt-whoopin' come January, Trippi has conceded that: “Dude, it’s clearly true, you know, like, blogs and Web sites, and even some of the, like, cool stuff that our team is, you know, doing in like Iowa, has got less of an impact in Iowa.” ***
Well, Mr. Trippi, that ain't yellow matter custard dripping from this campaign dog's eye, it's, instead, Iowa ethanol-boosted pride that opposes forced high-tech impact on the low-tech state. Every candidate should memorize the Iowa state motto: "Ibbin nicht gotsum; nibbin nebus needsum" or: "If we don't got it, we don't need it."
* Actual quote: NY Times October 12, 2007 ©
** White House is a trademark property of Haliburton, used without permission.
***Actual quote (if you remove the "likes" "you know" and "Dude") © (Oct 12, 2007 NY Times)
Dateline Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), ©, all rights revered.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Steaks Alive!

Harkin Snake Fry

When the stakes are high with candidates begging to be grilled by pundits fired up by metaphor, the media return like swallows to Indianola, Iowa, home of the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) headquarters and (as Dave Barry says, "I'm not making this up") the Hot Air Museum.* Actually, it's a hot air balloon museum, but the allusion worked for Senator Tom Harkin's (D-IA) Snake Fry, a chance for party faithful to get drunk while roasting what might possibly be the next President of the United States plus a half-dozen future losers. During the quadrennial Kiss-the-Senator's-ring-and-win-a-caucus event, hungry candidates smile 'til their cheeks ache and promise "Change" 'til their noses reach the White House.

Senator Johnny John Edwards, esq. (D-N/SC) set the tone in his direct examination of the crowd by announcing that the '08 election was over, and that Democrats should quit bickering among themselves and kick the tar outta former President Hillary Clinton. Whereupon, Clinton, unrecognizable at first without her husband hovering overhead, said, in cross-examination how much she enjoyed being President and to show her gratitude, showered the 12,000 attending fans with cash, which they were forced to return upon FEC investigation immediately following the concert.

As the sun set over the subdivisions rapidly replacing farmland in this once bucolic Des Moines suburb, Senators Joey Bidentime (D-DE) and Bill Blain Richardson III (D-NM) drank beer and told long jokes that no one got. Barack Obama (D-Chicago) looked concerned but cool throughout his guitar solo, which went well, until during his finale he tried unsuccessfully to light his guitar on fire, at which point both the Indianola fire chief and Mrs. Obama demanded to know where he got the lighter and was he secretly smoking again. Obama deflected the queries with a universal health care plan and a call for troop withdrawal.

Closing act, Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), rhymes with 'God,' wowed the crowd with a reading from Adam Smith in Spanish while changing a diaper. The 3% of the audience remaining applauded with polite constraint in lieu of hope.

Notable by his absence was Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), an admitted vegetarian campaigning in a state renowned for its pork. Dennis, instead, participated in the competing Melon Fry held in Muscatine, Iowa, a town known for its Muscatine melons, tongue piercing salons and the Max Allen Collins Mystery Writer's Workshop, held every fall inside the refurbished Road To Perdition Amphitheater along the Mississippi River.

*There really is a hot air museum in Indianola, Iowa. For more go to:

Dateline Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-at-home-for-once, The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), (c), all rights, rightfully acclaimed.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

McCain Still Alive in Iowa...Again

Climbing aboard is shiny new tour bus, The Straight Talk Expression, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) waved to his hastily assembled adoring crowd and shouted, "Never Give Up; Never Surrender!"

Okay, that's from the movie Galaxy Quest. McCain's new, beta-tested campaign slogan is simply: "Never Surrender,"* which was created by his newly-reformed campaign advisory team, apparently after viewing Galaxy Quest, when his previous Iowa Caucus campaign theme, "You Little Jerks," didn't catch fire in the Hawkeye state quite the way his California advisers expected it should. Other tested and rejected McCain movie slogans included: "You dirty rats," "You ain't seen nuthin'" and "Oh, you, you, you!"

Later, as the McCain Failure Is Not An Option party bus left town it passed the Iowa Caucus Momentum Depot where the HillyBilly Clinton campaign bus was stalled for unexpected and unexplainable repairs. Estimates run in excess of $850,000. Rumors of butt cheeks pressed to the McCain bus glass were not confirmed.


* True.
dateline: Waterhole, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all righteousness reserved.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Dodd o Richardson?

Quien Es Mas Macho?*

The University of Miami audience, attending the latest in a series of countless presidential debates for Poli-Sci 101 credit, was treated to an impromptu duet by Senator Cristo Dodd (rhymes with "God") (D-CT) and Governor Bill Blaine Richardson III (D-NM) singing La Bamba in nearly flawless Spanish, while fellow candidates, Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!) looked on helplessly, and Senator Hilly/Billy (D-AR/NY/DC/Wherever) attempted to keep time by tapping her foot and pretending to know the words, until candidate Obamalamadama (D-Chicago) quietly leaned over telling her to give it up. And, oh, she gave him such a look every male in the audience recoiled and apologized to the nearest female.

With the musical portion of the pageant complete, and Cristo Dodd clearly ahead, the competition moved on to the "Foreign Political Figures" category. Inside reports tell us that President George Jr., was watching the pageant in the White House rec room and reportedly told Uncle Dick Cheney, "Oh, I'm good at these."

Moderator, Jimmy Smitts, then asked the candidates, "For 5 electoral points from the Dade County bloc, explain why Hugo Chavez is el Diablo..."

"Chavez!" George Jr. shouted at the wide screen TV, "I met him, didn't OPEC? Don't tell me...Chavez...isn't he the farmer union guy? Hey, you smell sulfur?" Uncle Dick smiled and passed the president another Oreo.

Meanwhile in Miami, Senator Dodd was first on the button: "We shouldn’t be losing a public relations battle to Hugo Chavez!" **

"Correct!" Smitts replied and complimented the Senator from the unspellable New England state, home to the largest Native American casino reservation in the world. "And your pronunciation of the dictator's name, as well as your hair," Smitts continued...."Perfecto!"

The Miami crowd went nuts, and had the election been held that night, Florida would've have fallen into the Dodd camp. But as Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama were discussing off-camera, the election wasn't held that night.


Dateline: Miami, FL, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all rights shift left.

* "Quien Es Mas Macho," is copyright material of SNL, 1978, gleaned under Fair Use.
**Actual quote taken out of context for parody porpoises only, although in Spanish it sounds really cool.
PSA: To Save The Parody Porpoises, contact your representative.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

God To Team With Richardson?

Mike Huckleberry Miffed at Riff

The Sioux City audience was dispersing after HillyBilly and Obamalamadama had performed, when closing act, William Blaine "Bill" Richardson III (D-NM) took the stage. As whispers of "Who's that guy?" floated through the dwindling crowd, Richardson quietly announced, "The Lord has spoken..." Nothing, except monster trucks, gets a Sioux City crowd's attention faster than talking lords, so as one it turned in time to see the overcast skies part and a giant, silvery beam of pure light shone down on Richardson's third-tier body. He shimmered and seemed to expand by several percentage points (+/-3 margin of error) as he spread his arms and, verily, did sayeth: "Iowa, for good reason...for con-sti-tu-tional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."*

"And even as he spoke it was so," reported David Yawpson, senior politics-as-entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune in his weekly column, The Barbaric Yawp. "Richardson has surged. From here," Yawpson continued in his copyrighted story, gleaned here without permission, "he can only go forward. He has The Lord (TM)** on his side now, and the Republicans will wake up tomorrow wondering who'd lost their Lord."

Across town, Republican late entry, Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson, upon being told of The Lord's defection from the Republican Party immediately "aw-shucked" and with his campaign banjo on his knee told a story about how he once saved the world from nuclear holocaust. He then, paused, seemed to listen to a faraway voice, chuckled and said, "We’ve got to learn to skip and chew gum at the same time."*** Dozens of Young Republicans in the crowd cast aside their Romney signs and openly wept with joy, knowing The Lord (TM) was still in their midst.


* Actual quote.
**"The Lord" is still a trademark protected phrase owned by the Republican National Committee, all rights reserved.
*** Actual quote.
Dateline: SUX, Iowa Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rewrites rehearsed.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Thompson Launches Fall Season Presidential Bid

Bartlett To Counter Freddie's Drive to the West Wing

Coming fast on the heels of last night's scheduled surprise announcement by Freddie Boom-Boom, Law and/or Order Thompson (Rep-NBC) to RNC Director, Jay Leno, that he would run for President this Fall, DNC Director, Conan O'Brien, hinted that his guest, tonight, former President Jeb Bartlett (Dem-NBC), will have an equally surprising announcement concerning rumors that he, Bartlett, may challenge the 22nd Amendment to his contract and run as an indie for president. Both TV candidates are scheduled to appear in Iowa before large audiences of digitally enhanced farmers. Stockard Channing was not available for comment and is rummored to have turned down the offer to continue in her role as the Bartlett First Lady, preferring, instead, to revive her role as Rizzo in Grease, saying, "I'm still cute and still got the legs." The viewing nation has yet to see if Thompson has any legs.


dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, (c) The Blog Party News

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Republican Quits Iowa Caucus

Standing atop a leftover prop hay bale shipped to the Crawford Ranch from the 2007 Iowa State Fair (concluded August 19), Republican presidential hopeful, Alberto R. Gonzales of Texas, declared No Mas: “I have lived the American dream.”* And, indeed, he had. Along with lifetime political partner, Karl Rove, Gonzales had risen from an obscure Texas political crony to become the first Hispanic Cabinet leader to be forced to spend more time with his family. Rove, who has reportedly denied ever being Hispanic himself--although, a Senate Investigative Committee led by Larry E. Craig, Republican of Idaho, was rumored to be looking into the matter--was forced earlier this month to also spend more time with his family, part of the Republican Party's desire to get out in front of, as an Iowa Caucus spokesperson for the Blog Party News said, "this family values thing before the Democrat Party steals that, too." When reached for a statement at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport, Senator Craig, wouldn't elaborate, indicating he needed to use the restroom. This reporter speculates that Craig, sensing opportunity, will head across the border into Iowa to fill the void left by Gonzales and announce his own run for president atop yet another hay bale.
In a now familiar sign of political death, White House support for Gonzales remained strong until the end. "They made a good team, Roberto y Karlo," declared Gonzales' one remaining friend, Jorge Bush, Jr., from his ranch where he was showing reporters and his Dad how he'd learned to do handstands on the handlebars without Uncle Dick holding the bike steady. "Alberto is a good man...heh...a good man..." Then Bush smirked and just had to add, "But I bet he can't do this!" Bush then executed one of his dazzling dismounts from an uncomfortable stance to the applause of White House a press corps that suddenly forgot all about the former Hispanic person who would never become Iowa's choice for President of the United States.
Jorge Bush, Jr. raced off on a standby bicycle as Uncle Dick quietly smiled before turning his curious gaze toward Jorge's mother, Barbara, who stood on the hacienda's balcony looking wistfully toward the horizon, as though recalling long summer evenings from a bygone era about which no one speaks. Mournful strands from Jorge Sr.'s acoustic guitar could be heard below, competing with a distant coyote and Jorge, Jr.'s peels of happy summertime fun.
* actual quote
dateline: Crawford, Tejas, Arturo Azzetti, editor-con-queso, el Blogo Partina Nuevos (c)

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Edwards Takes On Robber Barons


Trailing Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama in Iowa polls, former North Carolina Senator/Attorney and Born Again Po' Boy, Johnny Edwards swapped his workingman overalls for a fresh San Juan Hill look as he waved his stump sword at the unseen enemies of 21st Century Iowans: Robber Barons.

“I’ve been fighting these people all my entire life,”* Po' Boy Attorney Edwards declared in a wide gap-toothed grin beneath his pith helmet. A chorus of Iowa townsfolk backed up his every stanza:
“I fought them in the courtroom..."*
Chorus: (soft) Fought-fought-fought...
"And I’ve beat them and beat them."*
Chorus: (louder) Beat-beat-beat...
"We’ve got to stop being mealy-mouthed and careful."* And Edwards thrust a finger skyward while tucking his other hand inside his safari jacket.
Chorus: Got to Stop! Right Here! Because we've got Trouble...
Yes, this reporter noted, we've got trouble.
"We’ve got to get rid of the robber barons. We need to have some Guts.”*
That's Guts with a capitol G that rhymes with T and stands for whatever it takes to get noticed in the Hawkeye Caucus Circus.

And the townsfolk sang and danced around their candidate before he continued with arms akimbo and fire flashing from behind his steely pince-nez:
“It makes me angry,"* Edwards declared.
"I feeeel out-rage."*
Chorus: Out-rage!
"I won’t let them get away with it.” *
Underwhelmed, the Iowa townsfolk lifted Captain Edwards high above their shoulders and swept him--if not into the Oval Office--at least on the path to victory as they all sang "Hooray For Captain Edwards" to the tune of Hooray For Captain Spaulding.


dateline River City, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the lam, The Blog Party News, all rights rehearsed.
* True quotes, emphasis added

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Mitt Punch-Drunk In Straw Poll Slam Dunk

"Golly," Tough-Talking Mitt Declares In Victory

In a stunning affirmation of the power of persistent campaigning with an unlimited war chest and a hand-picked electorate, former Massachusetts Governor and french missionary, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney declared himself the Strawman at the Republican-only, $35-per-vote Straw Poll (TM) held Saturday in Ames, Iowa in opposition to the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) in Des Moines. Unlike the Strawman Poll, the State Fair is open to all regardless of political affiliation and admission is considerably less than $35.

Mitt, dazed with his own brilliance to rally almost one-third (32%) of the Iowa Republicans bussed at his expense to the Straw Poll to vote for him, barely contained his enthusiasm when he shouted: “I’m pleased as punch that I won.”* Had he not mentioned "that I won," straw poll watchers across the country, no doubt, would've wondered what so pleased the candidate to motivate him to compare himself to a watery fruit drink. So, we polled our readers asking: "Is Mitt 'The Kid' Romney as electable as a bowl of punch now that he's swept the Iowa Straw Poll?"
"Mitt Who?" Ed Frangazzi, Hackensack, NJ
"What's a straw poll?" Jeanne Metcalf, Santa Cruz, CA
" he the guy from Maine?" G.W. Bush, Wash., DC
"I'd vote for the punch. Unless, it's lime punch. I hate lime punch...still, I'd consider voting for the lime punch instead of Romney." Jarrell Mantooth, Detroit, MI
"Why should Idaho get all the credit?" Gloria Vasquez, Borger, TX
"Sheeiit..." Sgt. Al Sanchez, Baghdad
"Straw poll? was that this weekend?" Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani
"Sheeiit..." John McCain, Marlow New Hampshire
"Put a little Jack Daniels in that punch and you mighta got yourself somethin'" Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson, Sour Mash, TN

Romney shrugged off suggestions that winning the Iowa Straw Poll was like winning the T-Ball World Series. And, in what this reporter interpreted as a veiled threat to voters who might have a change of heart before the Caucus, Mitt said: "We know where the people are who showed up. We know how to get them. We know how to bring them again.” **

Second-place Strawman, Mikey Huckleberry, (R-AR) seemed unimpressed with Mitt's 32-percent sweep, commenting that his 18% polling shows he's a real player. Sam Brownbag's (R-KS) surprisingly strong third-place finish (15%) prompted rumors of Sam and Huck forming a joint ticket or build a raft to float down the Mississippi. This was reinforced as they strode on stage, where Huckleberry picked up his trademark bass guitar and after wind-milling the opening riff to The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction," Brownbag shouted into the microphone, as the sky opened up in a cloud burst of near-Biblical irony: "It's a free election, man..."

Concern immediately spread that Mitt's "punch" had been spiked and, maybe, wasn't punch at all but, instead--Koolaid (TM) .


* Gee willickers, but that's a real Romney quote.
** Another real dang-tooten' Romney quote.

Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights wronged.