Saturday, December 29, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
In a shocking special session Thanksgiving decision, the nation's highest court ruled that President-General Perezzzzzz Musharraf (R-PK) could reelect himself to the nation's highest office. Reaction from the White House was supportive: "He's a good man," President Bushcheney said while serving turkey and dressing to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (TM) at Camp David (TM) as the musical troupe prepared to deploy to Iraq, in what has been viewed as an effort to derail former Governor Mitt Romney's (R-MA) influence in the Iowa Caucus. The President then added with a smirk (TM): "(But) Mufassa (sic) needs to take off his uniform."
It took a week or so to translate "take off his uniform" into a workable phrase that the Pakistani General/President could accept, and with speechwriters still on strike, the White House was forced to outsource the translation to a Karachi firm, which apparently found just the right wording, because, today, Musharraf stood before his Parliament in civie skivvies and a NY Yankees baseball cap. With his voice echoing through the great hall, he said: "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth, oh yes, thank you very much, indeed." Musharraf then donned Johnny Edwards designer campaign blue jeans (TM) and announced his candidacy for the President of the United States.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
**Iowa House Of Politics, a division of the International House Of Parody (TM) . Not a real quote.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Massachusetts Governor Romney then rose in a swirl of honey bees and was placed in the highest sky box to watch his Red Sox paste the devil-worshipping Colorado Rockies 130-1. Mitt barely suppressed a smirk as his youngest son, Dustin, led the Red Sox order with a homer off the rim of the center field Green Monster. Mitt's middle son, Josh, rallied the Romney boys' defense of their Dad's presidential run by pitching a nearly perfect game, allowing only one run when Hilly/Billy Clinton momentarily distracted him by skywriting above the stadium: "This ain't Iowa!" Two of Romney's other sons--Manny and Youk--made certain Dad's line drive for the White House remained on course with performances Boston hasn't seen since the Romney family led troops up nearby Bunker Hill in 1775.
Meanwhile, Colorado's manager, Tom Tancredo, could be seen rending his garments and weeping visibly in the Rockies' dugout as he sent his last reliever pitcher, 12-year-old Little Leaguer, Ronnie Paul from Greeley, CO, in to face the the Romney juggernaut. Paul is reported to be resting in stable condition.
After the game, a Mitt aide reportedly said to this BPNN reporter: "Major League Baseball teams just shouldn't be named for states, that's the point we made and the point that will spearhead this team to the White House..."** Tancredo meanwhile seemed to collapse when told that Game #2 would be fought against Romney's eldest son, Curt.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
When the stakes are high with candidates begging to be grilled by pundits fired up by metaphor, the media return like swallows to Indianola, Iowa, home of the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) headquarters and (as Dave Barry says, "I'm not making this up") the Hot Air Museum.* Actually, it's a hot air balloon museum, but the allusion worked for Senator Tom Harkin's (D-IA) Snake Fry, a chance for party faithful to get drunk while roasting what might possibly be the next President of the United States plus a half-dozen future losers. During the quadrennial Kiss-the-Senator's-ring-and-win-a-caucus event, hungry candidates smile 'til their cheeks ache and promise "Change" 'til their noses reach the White House.
Senator Johnny John Edwards, esq. (D-N/SC) set the tone in his direct examination of the crowd by announcing that the '08 election was over, and that Democrats should quit bickering among themselves and kick the tar outta former President Hillary Clinton. Whereupon, Clinton, unrecognizable at first without her husband hovering overhead, said, in cross-examination how much she enjoyed being President and to show her gratitude, showered the 12,000 attending fans with cash, which they were forced to return upon FEC investigation immediately following the concert.
As the sun set over the subdivisions rapidly replacing farmland in this once bucolic Des Moines suburb, Senators Joey Bidentime (D-DE) and Bill Blain Richardson III (D-NM) drank beer and told long jokes that no one got. Barack Obama (D-Chicago) looked concerned but cool throughout his guitar solo, which went well, until during his finale he tried unsuccessfully to light his guitar on fire, at which point both the Indianola fire chief and Mrs. Obama demanded to know where he got the lighter and was he secretly smoking again. Obama deflected the queries with a universal health care plan and a call for troop withdrawal.
Closing act, Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), rhymes with 'God,' wowed the crowd with a reading from Adam Smith in Spanish while changing a diaper. The 3% of the audience remaining applauded with polite constraint in lieu of hope.
Notable by his absence was Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), an admitted vegetarian campaigning in a state renowned for its pork. Dennis, instead, participated in the competing Melon Fry held in Muscatine, Iowa, a town known for its Muscatine melons, tongue piercing salons and the Max Allen Collins Mystery Writer's Workshop, held every fall inside the refurbished Road To Perdition Amphitheater along the Mississippi River.
Dateline Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-at-home-for-once, The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), (c), all rights, rightfully acclaimed.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Okay, that's from the movie Galaxy Quest. McCain's new, beta-tested campaign slogan is simply: "Never Surrender,"* which was created by his newly-reformed campaign advisory team, apparently after viewing Galaxy Quest, when his previous Iowa Caucus campaign theme, "You Little Jerks," didn't catch fire in the Hawkeye state quite the way his California advisers expected it should. Other tested and rejected McCain movie slogans included: "You dirty rats," "You ain't seen nuthin'" and "Oh, you, you, you!"
Later, as the McCain Failure Is Not An Option party bus left town it passed the Iowa Caucus Momentum Depot where the HillyBilly Clinton campaign bus was stalled for unexpected and unexplainable repairs. Estimates run in excess of $850,000. Rumors of butt cheeks pressed to the McCain bus glass were not confirmed.
dateline: Waterhole, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all righteousness reserved.
Monday, September 10, 2007
The University of Miami audience, attending the latest in a series of countless presidential debates for Poli-Sci 101 credit, was treated to an impromptu duet by Senator Cristo Dodd (rhymes with "God") (D-CT) and Governor Bill Blaine Richardson III (D-NM) singing La Bamba in nearly flawless Spanish, while fellow candidates, Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!) looked on helplessly, and Senator Hilly/Billy (D-AR/NY/DC/Wherever) attempted to keep time by tapping her foot and pretending to know the words, until candidate Obamalamadama (D-Chicago) quietly leaned over telling her to give it up. And, oh, she gave him such a look every male in the audience recoiled and apologized to the nearest female.
With the musical portion of the pageant complete, and Cristo Dodd clearly ahead, the competition moved on to the "Foreign Political Figures" category. Inside reports tell us that President George Jr., was watching the pageant in the White House rec room and reportedly told Uncle Dick Cheney, "Oh, I'm good at these."
Moderator, Jimmy Smitts, then asked the candidates, "For 5 electoral points from the Dade County bloc, explain why Hugo Chavez is el Diablo..."
"Chavez!" George Jr. shouted at the wide screen TV, "I met him, didn't I...at OPEC? Don't tell me...Chavez...isn't he the farmer union guy? Hey, you smell sulfur?" Uncle Dick smiled and passed the president another Oreo.
Meanwhile in Miami, Senator Dodd was first on the button: "We shouldn’t be losing a public relations battle to Hugo Chavez!" **
"Correct!" Smitts replied and complimented the Senator from the unspellable New England state, home to the largest Native American casino reservation in the world. "And your pronunciation of the dictator's name, as well as your hair," Smitts continued...."Perfecto!"
The Miami crowd went nuts, and had the election been held that night, Florida would've have fallen into the Dodd camp. But as Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama were discussing off-camera, the election wasn't held that night.
Dateline: Miami, FL, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all rights shift left.
* "Quien Es Mas Macho," is copyright material of SNL, 1978, gleaned under Fair Use.
**Actual quote taken out of context for parody porpoises only, although in Spanish it sounds really cool.
PSA: To Save The Parody Porpoises, contact your representative.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
The Sioux City audience was dispersing after HillyBilly and Obamalamadama had performed, when closing act, William Blaine "Bill" Richardson III (D-NM) took the stage. As whispers of "Who's that guy?" floated through the dwindling crowd, Richardson quietly announced, "The Lord has spoken..." Nothing, except monster trucks, gets a Sioux City crowd's attention faster than talking lords, so as one it turned in time to see the overcast skies part and a giant, silvery beam of pure light shone down on Richardson's third-tier body. He shimmered and seemed to expand by several percentage points (+/-3 margin of error) as he spread his arms and, verily, did sayeth: "Iowa, for good reason...for con-sti-tu-tional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."*
"And even as he spoke it was so," reported David Yawpson, senior politics-as-entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune in his weekly column, The Barbaric Yawp. "Richardson has surged. From here," Yawpson continued in his copyrighted story, gleaned here without permission, "he can only go forward. He has The Lord (TM)** on his side now, and the Republicans will wake up tomorrow wondering who'd lost their Lord."
Across town, Republican late entry, Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson, upon being told of The Lord's defection from the Republican Party immediately "aw-shucked" and with his campaign banjo on his knee told a story about how he once saved the world from nuclear holocaust. He then, paused, seemed to listen to a faraway voice, chuckled and said, "We’ve got to learn to skip and chew gum at the same time."*** Dozens of Young Republicans in the crowd cast aside their Romney signs and openly wept with joy, knowing The Lord (TM) was still in their midst.
* Actual quote.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, (c) The Blog Party News
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Trailing Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama in Iowa polls, former North Carolina Senator/Attorney and Born Again Po' Boy, Johnny Edwards swapped his workingman overalls for a fresh San Juan Hill look as he waved his stump sword at the unseen enemies of 21st Century Iowans: Robber Barons.
“I’ve been fighting these people all my entire life,”* Po' Boy Attorney Edwards declared in a wide gap-toothed grin beneath his pith helmet. A chorus of Iowa townsfolk backed up his every stanza:
“I fought them in the courtroom..."*
Chorus: (soft) Fought-fought-fought...
"And I’ve beat them and beat them."*
Chorus: (louder) Beat-beat-beat...
"We’ve got to stop being mealy-mouthed and careful."* And Edwards thrust a finger skyward while tucking his other hand inside his safari jacket.
Chorus: Got to Stop! Right Here! Because we've got Trouble...
Yes, this reporter noted, we've got trouble.
"We’ve got to get rid of the robber barons. We need to have some Guts.”*
That's Guts with a capitol G that rhymes with T and stands for whatever it takes to get noticed in the Hawkeye Caucus Circus.
And the townsfolk sang and danced around their candidate before he continued with arms akimbo and fire flashing from behind his steely pince-nez:
“It makes me angry,"* Edwards declared.
"I feeeel out-rage."*
"I won’t let them get away with it.” *
Underwhelmed, the Iowa townsfolk lifted Captain Edwards high above their shoulders and swept him--if not into the Oval Office--at least on the path to victory as they all sang "Hooray For Captain Edwards" to the tune of Hooray For Captain Spaulding.
dateline River City, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the lam, The Blog Party News, all rights rehearsed.
* True quotes, emphasis added
Sunday, August 12, 2007
In a stunning affirmation of the power of persistent campaigning with an unlimited war chest and a hand-picked electorate, former Massachusetts Governor and french missionary, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney declared himself the Strawman at the Republican-only, $35-per-vote Straw Poll (TM) held Saturday in Ames, Iowa in opposition to the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) in Des Moines. Unlike the Strawman Poll, the State Fair is open to all regardless of political affiliation and admission is considerably less than $35.
Mitt, dazed with his own brilliance to rally almost one-third (32%) of the Iowa Republicans bussed at his expense to the Straw Poll to vote for him, barely contained his enthusiasm when he shouted: “I’m pleased as punch that I won.”* Had he not mentioned "that I won," straw poll watchers across the country, no doubt, would've wondered what so pleased the candidate to motivate him to compare himself to a watery fruit drink. So, we polled our readers asking: "Is Mitt 'The Kid' Romney as electable as a bowl of punch now that he's swept the Iowa Straw Poll?"
"Mitt Who?" Ed Frangazzi, Hackensack, NJ
"What's a straw poll?" Jeanne Metcalf, Santa Cruz, CA
"Romney...is he the guy from Maine?" G.W. Bush, Wash., DC
"I'd vote for the punch. Unless, it's lime punch. I hate lime punch...still, I'd consider voting for the lime punch instead of Romney." Jarrell Mantooth, Detroit, MI
"Why should Idaho get all the credit?" Gloria Vasquez, Borger, TX
"Sheeiit..." Sgt. Al Sanchez, Baghdad
"Straw poll? was that this weekend?" Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani
"Sheeiit..." John McCain, Marlow New Hampshire
"Put a little Jack Daniels in that punch and you mighta got yourself somethin'" Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson, Sour Mash, TN
Romney shrugged off suggestions that winning the Iowa Straw Poll was like winning the T-Ball World Series. And, in what this reporter interpreted as a veiled threat to voters who might have a change of heart before the Caucus, Mitt said: "We know where the people are who showed up. We know how to get them. We know how to bring them again.” **
Second-place Strawman, Mikey Huckleberry, (R-AR) seemed unimpressed with Mitt's 32-percent sweep, commenting that his 18% polling shows he's a real player. Sam Brownbag's (R-KS) surprisingly strong third-place finish (15%) prompted rumors of Sam and Huck forming a joint ticket or build a raft to float down the Mississippi. This was reinforced as they strode on stage, where Huckleberry picked up his trademark bass guitar and after wind-milling the opening riff to The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction," Brownbag shouted into the microphone, as the sky opened up in a cloud burst of near-Biblical irony: "It's a free election, man..."
Concern immediately spread that Mitt's "punch" had been spiked and, maybe, wasn't punch at all but, instead--Koolaid (TM) .
* Gee willickers, but that's a real Romney quote.
** Another real dang-tooten' Romney quote.
Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights wronged.