Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Ralph Nader Challenges McCain To Race of the Ages

He'll Never Catch Me!
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In a surprise move, perennial presidential candidate and Corvair hater, Ralph Nader, launched his bid for President of the United States, much as other candidates, now forgotten, had--with a rally at the Iowa Sate Fairgrounds. Standing tall on a snowy stage, Nader addressed his supporter with a rousing speech about the benefits of a high-fiber diet and an expose on kitchen appliance that don't really make mounds of jullien fries. He stopped briefly to answer a question from the press corps, Sharon Klontz of the Jackson County FFA News: "Ah, Mister Neber, sir, what are you doing here? The Iowa Caucus was months ago and the Fair isn't until August."
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Ralph didn't flinch under the withering media scrutiny. "Why am I running?" his gestures seemed to reply. “If there was no other reason to run — other than the civil liberties, civil rights issue of ballot access — it’d be worth it.”* He then left the stage escorted by a homeless man pushing a shopping cart full of Nader For President '04 pamphlets with the '04 crossed out and '08 penciled in.
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Klontz, who has since been hired by the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), canvassed the crowd asking, "What do you think of Ralph Nader?" Justin Milsap of West Des Moines--the crowd--answered, "Um, I was, like, here for, you know, a job interview to run the Tilt-O-Whirl next season, and, like, I got lost, but something about this dude standing on, like, a stage, in the snow made me think he just might be the real thing." Milsap then added, "But he wasn't...Do you know where the Tilt-O-Whirl is?" She did.
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When asked about Nader's late entry into the '08 campaign, The Clintons, LLC (TM) scowled, Barrage Obama took notes, and McCain called Nader an old fart and that he was ready to fight him for a hundred years if that's what it took to convince his dear friends that he was a real conservative.
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..... *****
dateline: Des Moines, Iowa--again--Artie Azzetti and Sharon Klontz, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refried.
* real quote

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Barrage Obama

Continues to Pound The Clintons' Camp
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Side-by-side, bloodied but unaware, on stage after yet two more primary defeats calculated to throw their opponent off guard, The Clintons, LLC (TM) released a joint statement: “This is the choice we face: One of us is ready to be commander in chief in a dangerous world,” Clinton #2 said. “One of us has faced serious Republican opposition in the past," Clinton #1 picked up. Then, in unison they concluded: "— and one of us is ready to do it again.” *
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It's now up to the voters in Texas and Ohio--possibly Pennsylvania--to decide which Clinton is ready. The crowd cheered on cue as The Clintons, LLC (TM) latest campaign theme song, "Do It To You One More Time" by the Captain and/or Taneal, blared over the PA system while The Clintons, LLC (TM) campaign manager, Howie Mandel, tazed the crowd into a frenzied stupor before the candidates once again boarded the candidates' Spare Change mother ship in their never-ending quest for the co-leads in Fox/TV's newest reality series, White House! ©
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....****
*actual quotes taken way out of context
dateline: Brewpub, Wi., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam,
Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reordered.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Barbarella's Back

And She's Talkin' Dirty Politics
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--Editorial Staff
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Jane Fonda, long rumored to be the paramour of Rush Limbaugh--the 300-pound gorilla in any political room--let slip an unutterable utterance live, on the air, while appearing on NBC's Today yesterday…ah, the name of the show is Today, that is, and she was on it yesterday, which is not the name of the show. It just sets the timeline as not being today on Today, but, instead, yesterday when all her troubles seemed so far away. Well, Jane—if that’s, indeed, your real name—looks as though your troubles are here to stay after saying (if there are any children in the room, leave now), as the liberal media reported, “the c-word.”

Jane, 70, but not looking a day over 54, was promoting her new movie with co-star Sylvester Stallone, 75, Barbarella IV, the Rambo Years, when she mentioned that she would be appearing on stage with a lot of other famous old women in the long-running play, “The You Know What Dialogues.” But instead of saying "you know what," she chose to use “the c-word.” You know, the word that automatically got boys in trouble in middle school for saying it instead of, well, you know what.
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Fonda, who confirms BPNN's theory that Rush Limbaugh is not gay, was not publicly endorsing any presidential candidate—of which there are three, if you don’t count the kooks—but the septuagenarian actress--about the same age as McCain--who's never shied from controversy, has long been associated with political causes leaning toward the L-word persuasion (Liberal). So, we were surprised that it came as such a shock to yesterday’s Today host when Jane said, “I’m appearing in The C-Word Monologues!”
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This magazine wishes to take a stance. But in lieu of that, let us say that Ms. Fondue has shown courage and backbone—plus just a little cleavage and leg—by her willingness to use the C-word, instead of the more “Politically Correct” (in air quotes for emphasis) other word for, well, you know what. Therefore, the editorial staff—guys all—wish to say that from now on, it will be our policy to follow Jane’s lead in using the C-word. And with that we have reserved the second row seats for Jane’s opening night performance in “The Conservative Dialogues.” Limbaugh, reportedly, takes up the front row.
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Barbarella IV, the Rambo Years opens tomorrow at theaters everywhere and we'll be sure to get front row seats for that.
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.....****
Views expressed aren't necessarily those of the editorial staff and do not reflect actual research or command of the subject but are subject to change. Blog Party News Network (BPNN), all rights and seats reserved. ©

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Clintons Roll Out New Strategy

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Make 'em Think We're Losing--Then Spring the Trap!
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In a scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail, The Clintons, LLC (TM), faced yet another defeat in yesterday's primaries with the courage of the legless and armless Black Knight: “I’m tested. I’m ready. Let’s make it happen!” Hillary shouted in support of her husband's quest for the nomination. “We are going to sweep across Texas," she warned Democrats, "...bringing our message about what we need..."*
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The Clintons, LLC (TM), juggernaut only appears to be stalled after a string of inconvenient losses to their archrival, Barrage Obama, who was reported to be campaigning in his native state, Hawaii, while Hillary and Bill passed the campaign hat for gas money to refuel their Time For Spare Change campaign bus before heading to Texas. Donations were sluggish to the point that Hillary was about to once again offer to lend their campaign another $5 million, on "very attractive terms," a campaign staffer leaked to BPNN. "We're just waiting for the credit report to come back," he added. "Seems we can't loan large amounts of unsecured cash to subprime candidates anymore."
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The loan, however, proved unnecesary and cash flowed in as co-candidate Once-and-Future President Bill Clinton, led the Clintons For Spare Change cheerleaders in the campaign's new cheer:
"We're tested.
We're ready.
Let's make it...
Hap-pen!"
Mr. Clinton seemed ready, indeed, to make it happen until co-candidate, Hillary, forced him back on the bus, which immediately left for El Paso.
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*actual quotes taken way out of context
dateline: Waterloo, Va., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights rearranged.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Stimulus Package Jolts GOP and Dems

Recession Ends!
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In a rare kumbuya photo moment, Speaker Nancy Pelosi appeared on stage at the Viva Las Vegas Gaming By Government Convention beside Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., to announce the passage of the bi-partisan, bi-polar, by golly Economic Stimulus Package 2.0. “We are making history," the joint commission on spending other people's money declared while tazing a middle class taxpayer in effigy. "What has passed the Congress in record time is a gift to the middle class and those who aspire to it in our country.” *
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Reaction was immediate as dozens of taxpayers responded warmly to the "gift" from their government by announcing that they would immediatly borrow more on their already-leveraged homes and credit cards. "It's the only American thing to do," Janice Bellwether of St. Cloud, Mn. said when interviewed in the oxygen tent at the Mall of the Americas outside Minneapolis. "It supports the troops," she added. "And shows France that...that we're not France and are still number one as we Go Forward!" She then held aloft a large, foam, red-white-blue, made-in-Russia, #1 finger to punctuate her stance while chanting, "As we go forward! As we go forward!"
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Other grateful middle-class American taxpayers declared their love for Pelosi and Paulson Junior's "gift" by saying they'd buy more Indian car parts and Venezuelan oil.
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Survivors of the recent Super Taco Tuesday episode of America's Favorite Candidate ** were quick to share in the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior success. "I'm suspending my campaign," Willy Milton Romney announced just minutes before the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior Gift to America was announced, whereupon, Romney--going against tradition--changed his mind. "With my rebate, I will continue my campaign to become America's Favorite Candidate!" BPNN accountants did the math and figuring Romney earned no more than $75,000 in 2007, he should receive $1,200 (married, filing jointly) plus $300 per child, in rebates, which nets the Reborn Romney campaign roughly $123,000,000, enough to carry his message of conservative change to the Republican convention to be held in August at the Minneapolis Mall of the Americas.
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Candidate, and presumptive front-runner (the Dean sympton of an imploding candidacy), Mickey "I'm Really, Really a Conservative" McCain, voted for giving the "gift" to the Pelosi/Paulson, Junior masses--this, after originally not voting for it.
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Not to be outdone, The Clintons, LLC, fresh from their stunning primary victory in American Samoa, announced through an attorney that the stimulus rebate was their collective idea and that if they're elected, the gifts will be even bigger.
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Governor/Pastor Mike Huckleberry, of Arkansas, was unavailable for comment as he and Senator Obamalamadama were jamming all night at the Blue Note jazz club in Manhattan. A person-of-spokes for the Governor/Pastor/Bassman said, "Like, the Huckman, was, you know, so on the beat tonight playing his hit single, Down With the IRS...we're taking this mojo all the way to Mall of the Americas, dude."
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The IRS Director, Henry F. Potter, said that rebate checks should be in the mail as soon as financing was secured from the Bank of Mao in Beijing, and taxpayers should have their gifts in time to pay their 2007 taxes.
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* actual quote, NY Times, February 8, 2008
** FoxTV
dateline: Las Vegas, Nv., Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refinanced.