Monday, September 17, 2007

Steaks Alive!

Harkin Snake Fry

When the stakes are high with candidates begging to be grilled by pundits fired up by metaphor, the media return like swallows to Indianola, Iowa, home of the Blog Party News Network (BPNN) headquarters and (as Dave Barry says, "I'm not making this up") the Hot Air Museum.* Actually, it's a hot air balloon museum, but the allusion worked for Senator Tom Harkin's (D-IA) Snake Fry, a chance for party faithful to get drunk while roasting what might possibly be the next President of the United States plus a half-dozen future losers. During the quadrennial Kiss-the-Senator's-ring-and-win-a-caucus event, hungry candidates smile 'til their cheeks ache and promise "Change" 'til their noses reach the White House.

Senator Johnny John Edwards, esq. (D-N/SC) set the tone in his direct examination of the crowd by announcing that the '08 election was over, and that Democrats should quit bickering among themselves and kick the tar outta former President Hillary Clinton. Whereupon, Clinton, unrecognizable at first without her husband hovering overhead, said, in cross-examination how much she enjoyed being President and to show her gratitude, showered the 12,000 attending fans with cash, which they were forced to return upon FEC investigation immediately following the concert.

As the sun set over the subdivisions rapidly replacing farmland in this once bucolic Des Moines suburb, Senators Joey Bidentime (D-DE) and Bill Blain Richardson III (D-NM) drank beer and told long jokes that no one got. Barack Obama (D-Chicago) looked concerned but cool throughout his guitar solo, which went well, until during his finale he tried unsuccessfully to light his guitar on fire, at which point both the Indianola fire chief and Mrs. Obama demanded to know where he got the lighter and was he secretly smoking again. Obama deflected the queries with a universal health care plan and a call for troop withdrawal.

Closing act, Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), rhymes with 'God,' wowed the crowd with a reading from Adam Smith in Spanish while changing a diaper. The 3% of the audience remaining applauded with polite constraint in lieu of hope.

Notable by his absence was Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), an admitted vegetarian campaigning in a state renowned for its pork. Dennis, instead, participated in the competing Melon Fry held in Muscatine, Iowa, a town known for its Muscatine melons, tongue piercing salons and the Max Allen Collins Mystery Writer's Workshop, held every fall inside the refurbished Road To Perdition Amphitheater along the Mississippi River.

*There really is a hot air museum in Indianola, Iowa. For more go to:

Dateline Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-at-home-for-once, The Blog Party News Network (BPNN), (c), all rights, rightfully acclaimed.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

McCain Still Alive in Iowa...Again

Climbing aboard is shiny new tour bus, The Straight Talk Expression, Senator John McCain (R-AZ) waved to his hastily assembled adoring crowd and shouted, "Never Give Up; Never Surrender!"

Okay, that's from the movie Galaxy Quest. McCain's new, beta-tested campaign slogan is simply: "Never Surrender,"* which was created by his newly-reformed campaign advisory team, apparently after viewing Galaxy Quest, when his previous Iowa Caucus campaign theme, "You Little Jerks," didn't catch fire in the Hawkeye state quite the way his California advisers expected it should. Other tested and rejected McCain movie slogans included: "You dirty rats," "You ain't seen nuthin'" and "Oh, you, you, you!"

Later, as the McCain Failure Is Not An Option party bus left town it passed the Iowa Caucus Momentum Depot where the HillyBilly Clinton campaign bus was stalled for unexpected and unexplainable repairs. Estimates run in excess of $850,000. Rumors of butt cheeks pressed to the McCain bus glass were not confirmed.


* True.
dateline: Waterhole, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all righteousness reserved.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Dodd o Richardson?

Quien Es Mas Macho?*

The University of Miami audience, attending the latest in a series of countless presidential debates for Poli-Sci 101 credit, was treated to an impromptu duet by Senator Cristo Dodd (rhymes with "God") (D-CT) and Governor Bill Blaine Richardson III (D-NM) singing La Bamba in nearly flawless Spanish, while fellow candidates, Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!) looked on helplessly, and Senator Hilly/Billy (D-AR/NY/DC/Wherever) attempted to keep time by tapping her foot and pretending to know the words, until candidate Obamalamadama (D-Chicago) quietly leaned over telling her to give it up. And, oh, she gave him such a look every male in the audience recoiled and apologized to the nearest female.

With the musical portion of the pageant complete, and Cristo Dodd clearly ahead, the competition moved on to the "Foreign Political Figures" category. Inside reports tell us that President George Jr., was watching the pageant in the White House rec room and reportedly told Uncle Dick Cheney, "Oh, I'm good at these."

Moderator, Jimmy Smitts, then asked the candidates, "For 5 electoral points from the Dade County bloc, explain why Hugo Chavez is el Diablo..."

"Chavez!" George Jr. shouted at the wide screen TV, "I met him, didn't OPEC? Don't tell me...Chavez...isn't he the farmer union guy? Hey, you smell sulfur?" Uncle Dick smiled and passed the president another Oreo.

Meanwhile in Miami, Senator Dodd was first on the button: "We shouldn’t be losing a public relations battle to Hugo Chavez!" **

"Correct!" Smitts replied and complimented the Senator from the unspellable New England state, home to the largest Native American casino reservation in the world. "And your pronunciation of the dictator's name, as well as your hair," Smitts continued...."Perfecto!"

The Miami crowd went nuts, and had the election been held that night, Florida would've have fallen into the Dodd camp. But as Hilly/Billy and Obamalamadama were discussing off-camera, the election wasn't held that night.


Dateline: Miami, FL, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News, all rights shift left.

* "Quien Es Mas Macho," is copyright material of SNL, 1978, gleaned under Fair Use.
**Actual quote taken out of context for parody porpoises only, although in Spanish it sounds really cool.
PSA: To Save The Parody Porpoises, contact your representative.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

God To Team With Richardson?

Mike Huckleberry Miffed at Riff

The Sioux City audience was dispersing after HillyBilly and Obamalamadama had performed, when closing act, William Blaine "Bill" Richardson III (D-NM) took the stage. As whispers of "Who's that guy?" floated through the dwindling crowd, Richardson quietly announced, "The Lord has spoken..." Nothing, except monster trucks, gets a Sioux City crowd's attention faster than talking lords, so as one it turned in time to see the overcast skies part and a giant, silvery beam of pure light shone down on Richardson's third-tier body. He shimmered and seemed to expand by several percentage points (+/-3 margin of error) as he spread his arms and, verily, did sayeth: "Iowa, for good reason...for con-sti-tu-tional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."*

"And even as he spoke it was so," reported David Yawpson, senior politics-as-entertainment editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune in his weekly column, The Barbaric Yawp. "Richardson has surged. From here," Yawpson continued in his copyrighted story, gleaned here without permission, "he can only go forward. He has The Lord (TM)** on his side now, and the Republicans will wake up tomorrow wondering who'd lost their Lord."

Across town, Republican late entry, Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson, upon being told of The Lord's defection from the Republican Party immediately "aw-shucked" and with his campaign banjo on his knee told a story about how he once saved the world from nuclear holocaust. He then, paused, seemed to listen to a faraway voice, chuckled and said, "We’ve got to learn to skip and chew gum at the same time."*** Dozens of Young Republicans in the crowd cast aside their Romney signs and openly wept with joy, knowing The Lord (TM) was still in their midst.


* Actual quote.
**"The Lord" is still a trademark protected phrase owned by the Republican National Committee, all rights reserved.
*** Actual quote.
Dateline: SUX, Iowa Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rewrites rehearsed.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Thompson Launches Fall Season Presidential Bid

Bartlett To Counter Freddie's Drive to the West Wing

Coming fast on the heels of last night's scheduled surprise announcement by Freddie Boom-Boom, Law and/or Order Thompson (Rep-NBC) to RNC Director, Jay Leno, that he would run for President this Fall, DNC Director, Conan O'Brien, hinted that his guest, tonight, former President Jeb Bartlett (Dem-NBC), will have an equally surprising announcement concerning rumors that he, Bartlett, may challenge the 22nd Amendment to his contract and run as an indie for president. Both TV candidates are scheduled to appear in Iowa before large audiences of digitally enhanced farmers. Stockard Channing was not available for comment and is rummored to have turned down the offer to continue in her role as the Bartlett First Lady, preferring, instead, to revive her role as Rizzo in Grease, saying, "I'm still cute and still got the legs." The viewing nation has yet to see if Thompson has any legs.


dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, (c) The Blog Party News