Independent presidential candidate and fun hater, Ralph Nader, announced his new running mate today at a news conference held on the loading dock at Dunder-Mifflin Paper in Scranton, Pa., a state widely considered to be crucial in his campaign for the Nut House: “He’s experienced. He’s tested and fully vetted. And he’s the kind of guy who could deflect a lot of criticism from me,” Nader said to the assembled crowd of lunchtime workers who briefly stopped playing foursquare to listen to the 105-year-old candidate. “That is why I have selected Elliot Spitzer, lantern-jawed crime-fighter and former governor of New York, to be my running mate…that, and he seems to have some good lodging connections in Washington, DC, which should help with our transition team after the election.”
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Nader then took a question from BPNN reporter, Sharon Klontz, who asked if Ralph had seen a newspaper lately, hinting that, perhaps, his Spitzer choice might be untimely. “Don’t need papers,” Nader replied. “Nothing but obfuscations and monkey shines in the media. I determine my own truths.” Nader then attempted to force the foursquare players to wear safety helmets and goggles. When he subsequently found himself stuffed inside a dumpster Nader admitted that his campaign had hit a bit of a “speed bump,” but that he and his cause—yet to be determined—will still, as all politicians like to say when they have no cause—be “going forward.”
When asked why Spitzer was unable to attend the announcement, Nader replied, “His text message said something about ‘spending more time with his family.’ I like that. Shows character, donchya think?” He didn’t wait to hear what our reporter thought.
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Nader then took a question from BPNN reporter, Sharon Klontz, who asked if Ralph had seen a newspaper lately, hinting that, perhaps, his Spitzer choice might be untimely. “Don’t need papers,” Nader replied. “Nothing but obfuscations and monkey shines in the media. I determine my own truths.” Nader then attempted to force the foursquare players to wear safety helmets and goggles. When he subsequently found himself stuffed inside a dumpster Nader admitted that his campaign had hit a bit of a “speed bump,” but that he and his cause—yet to be determined—will still, as all politicians like to say when they have no cause—be “going forward.”
When asked why Spitzer was unable to attend the announcement, Nader replied, “His text message said something about ‘spending more time with his family.’ I like that. Shows character, donchya think?” He didn’t wait to hear what our reporter thought.
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2 comments:
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--Artie Azzetti, BPNN editor-on-the-lam
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