Politoco Map Redrawn
Athwart the Fort Des Moines parapets, Governor Che 'Mr. T' Culvert, arms akimbo, announced Iowa's plans to leave the Union Primary System in response to the sovereign state of South Carolina's threat to form a "more perfect primary."
"A line has been crossed in the sands of time," South Carolina's Secretary of State For Elected Metaphors reportedly said, earlier, when informed that the Yankee state of New Hampshire had moved its capital to Boston and its primary date to January 2, 2005, a full three years before it was originally scheduled. Immediately, South Carolina ordered its political primary troops on full alert. Commodore Johnny Edwards, of neighboring North Carolina, phoned in his qualified support for the uprising from aboard his yacht-turned-frigate anchored near Charleston Bay, within view of Fort Sumter. "This injustice will not stand," the one-time, one-term, one-song attorney-turned-senator shouted from a pitching deck, having swapped his copyrighted Iowa workpersons' overalls for a support-the-troops sailor's suit (TM) complete with gold-braided epaulets, sash and a sword, which an aide showed the tiny admiral how to wield, since Edwards had no military background. *
Rebellion spread as news reporters leaked. By mid-afternoon Florida had announced that not only would it advance its primary date to January 1, 2004 in an effort to block "any northern aggression" but the governor ordered all Early Bird Specials moved to before noon. In response, Arizona moved Mexico a mile further from its border, New Mexico threatened to launch an unmanned space probe into California's primary slot, and swinging state Nevada posted five-to-one odds that the 2008 election would be held before the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago.
Throughout all this, President George W. Bush vacationed with Mum and Daddy in Kennebunkbed, Maine where he'd invited newly-elected-and-soon-to-be-impeached French President Bluubluubluu Sarkoozee--or some such unpronounceable name, for a sleepover. Through spokesman, Michael Moore, George Jr. said, "I've been to Iowa. It's a fine state of affairs." And since, the media love everything Mr. Moore says, it was accepted as truth. Upon seeing Michael Moore's hastily-produced docu-comedy on the new primary schedule, Electo, Iowa Governor Che 'Mr. T' Culvert, declared the first in the nation caucus over. “In this state," Culvert noted, "we’re going to still have Christmas.”**
And Mr. T was as good as his word. Tiny Edwards went on to sue South Carolina, and Mitt 'The Kid' Romney announced from a manger in Salt Lake City that he had already won the 2008 election, "Won it in 1968, when I was in France...with the Army."
And to all a good fight.
***
dateline: Des Moines, on a snowy August night. I'm Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights reserved and confidence refunded.
"A line has been crossed in the sands of time," South Carolina's Secretary of State For Elected Metaphors reportedly said, earlier, when informed that the Yankee state of New Hampshire had moved its capital to Boston and its primary date to January 2, 2005, a full three years before it was originally scheduled. Immediately, South Carolina ordered its political primary troops on full alert. Commodore Johnny Edwards, of neighboring North Carolina, phoned in his qualified support for the uprising from aboard his yacht-turned-frigate anchored near Charleston Bay, within view of Fort Sumter. "This injustice will not stand," the one-time, one-term, one-song attorney-turned-senator shouted from a pitching deck, having swapped his copyrighted Iowa workpersons' overalls for a support-the-troops sailor's suit (TM) complete with gold-braided epaulets, sash and a sword, which an aide showed the tiny admiral how to wield, since Edwards had no military background. *
Rebellion spread as news reporters leaked. By mid-afternoon Florida had announced that not only would it advance its primary date to January 1, 2004 in an effort to block "any northern aggression" but the governor ordered all Early Bird Specials moved to before noon. In response, Arizona moved Mexico a mile further from its border, New Mexico threatened to launch an unmanned space probe into California's primary slot, and swinging state Nevada posted five-to-one odds that the 2008 election would be held before the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago.
Throughout all this, President George W. Bush vacationed with Mum and Daddy in Kennebunkbed, Maine where he'd invited newly-elected-and-soon-to-be-impeached French President Bluubluubluu Sarkoozee--or some such unpronounceable name, for a sleepover. Through spokesman, Michael Moore, George Jr. said, "I've been to Iowa. It's a fine state of affairs." And since, the media love everything Mr. Moore says, it was accepted as truth. Upon seeing Michael Moore's hastily-produced docu-comedy on the new primary schedule, Electo, Iowa Governor Che 'Mr. T' Culvert, declared the first in the nation caucus over. “In this state," Culvert noted, "we’re going to still have Christmas.”**
And Mr. T was as good as his word. Tiny Edwards went on to sue South Carolina, and Mitt 'The Kid' Romney announced from a manger in Salt Lake City that he had already won the 2008 election, "Won it in 1968, when I was in France...with the Army."
And to all a good fight.
***
dateline: Des Moines, on a snowy August night. I'm Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights reserved and confidence refunded.
*Chris Dodd--rhymes with "God" and is the only Dem presidential candidate with any military experience
**actual quote, lifted out of context from the real Iowa governor, Chet Culver
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