TeleTubby (TM) (TT) candidate and self-inherited millionaire, liberal/conservative, pro/con Mitt 'The Kid' Romney came out swinging at the Republican's Sunday Bunch 4 Brunch Debatable Notions Meet held in Des Moines while most Iowans were asleep, hungover or in church: "I get tired of people,"* the Michigan/Massachusetts politician and lifetime-for-almost-a-year NRA member said when provoked by his arch nemesis, Senator Sam Brownbag, who appeared to hover along with Governor Mike Huckleberry above the other candidates on a silvery cloud while a choir of nongendered angels clouded voters' minds.
The Kid clarified which people tired him, saying (after consulting instant poll response to the first part of his statement) that he was tired of people "...that are holier than thou..."* At this point it was unclear to this reporter if Romney meant Brownbag or the breakfast club moderator, ABC-TV's tossle-haired Georgio Stepenonalotofus. Romney then admitted that the holier thous had been "...pro-life longer than I have." *
Meanwhile, as the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment editor, David Yawpsum noted in his Monday morning column, Barbaric Yawp: "...among the hundreds of Republican candidates appearing on stage Sunday morning, many, if not most, appeared ready to attend church services should their handlers advise such a move."
Questions remained fairly tame throughout the morning as various candidates yawned, read the funnies and Senator McCain slipped off stage to refill his coffee mug at nearby Java Joe's (TM), timing his absence to avoid the sticky question: "Who among you still supports the Iraq War and President Bushcheney?" After a long pause, during which candidates appeared to be struck deaf, Yawpsum directed the question at Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani who smiled, pointed to an imaginary offstage wife and shrugged, bringing much needed laughter relief from the dozen or so audience members. Representative Tom Tancankerous of Colorado blew a raspberry, and when asked to elaborate muttered something about bombing the s&%^ outta countries full of illegal foreigners he found offensive.
With that the event was brought to a close. The Ladies Aid Society served coffee and caramel rolls in the basement rec room, after which all candidates--except Giuliani and McCain--raced to Ames for Saturday's Strawman Poll (TM) where Mitt places all his hopes on winning the bathing suit contest portion of the pageant. Recent polls, however, show Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law and/or Order' Thompson holding a substantial lead by not declaring his candidacy. When reached for comment, Boom-Boom's non-campaign manager said, "We declare too soon, we lose the initiative, so Senator Boom-Boom has no plans to announce until after he's elected." Upon hearing that, Senator Mickey McCain immediately announced from his campaign minivan, on its way to Keene, New Hampshire, that he wasn't running either, whereupon, Governor Romney shouted to reporters over the whine of his Learjet's engines: "I wasn't running before any of them weren't running...and I wasn't running in Iowa first!"
***
* Actual quote dissected out of context.
dateline Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, The Blog News, editor-on-the-lam
The Kid clarified which people tired him, saying (after consulting instant poll response to the first part of his statement) that he was tired of people "...that are holier than thou..."* At this point it was unclear to this reporter if Romney meant Brownbag or the breakfast club moderator, ABC-TV's tossle-haired Georgio Stepenonalotofus. Romney then admitted that the holier thous had been "...pro-life longer than I have." *
Meanwhile, as the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment editor, David Yawpsum noted in his Monday morning column, Barbaric Yawp: "...among the hundreds of Republican candidates appearing on stage Sunday morning, many, if not most, appeared ready to attend church services should their handlers advise such a move."
Questions remained fairly tame throughout the morning as various candidates yawned, read the funnies and Senator McCain slipped off stage to refill his coffee mug at nearby Java Joe's (TM), timing his absence to avoid the sticky question: "Who among you still supports the Iraq War and President Bushcheney?" After a long pause, during which candidates appeared to be struck deaf, Yawpsum directed the question at Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani who smiled, pointed to an imaginary offstage wife and shrugged, bringing much needed laughter relief from the dozen or so audience members. Representative Tom Tancankerous of Colorado blew a raspberry, and when asked to elaborate muttered something about bombing the s&%^ outta countries full of illegal foreigners he found offensive.
With that the event was brought to a close. The Ladies Aid Society served coffee and caramel rolls in the basement rec room, after which all candidates--except Giuliani and McCain--raced to Ames for Saturday's Strawman Poll (TM) where Mitt places all his hopes on winning the bathing suit contest portion of the pageant. Recent polls, however, show Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law and/or Order' Thompson holding a substantial lead by not declaring his candidacy. When reached for comment, Boom-Boom's non-campaign manager said, "We declare too soon, we lose the initiative, so Senator Boom-Boom has no plans to announce until after he's elected." Upon hearing that, Senator Mickey McCain immediately announced from his campaign minivan, on its way to Keene, New Hampshire, that he wasn't running either, whereupon, Governor Romney shouted to reporters over the whine of his Learjet's engines: "I wasn't running before any of them weren't running...and I wasn't running in Iowa first!"
***
* Actual quote dissected out of context.
dateline Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, The Blog News, editor-on-the-lam
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