"Golly," Tough-Talking Mitt Declares In Victory
In a stunning affirmation of the power of persistent campaigning with an unlimited war chest and a hand-picked electorate, former Massachusetts Governor and french missionary, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney declared himself the Strawman at the Republican-only, $35-per-vote Straw Poll (TM) held Saturday in Ames, Iowa in opposition to the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) in Des Moines. Unlike the Strawman Poll, the State Fair is open to all regardless of political affiliation and admission is considerably less than $35.
Mitt, dazed with his own brilliance to rally almost one-third (32%) of the Iowa Republicans bussed at his expense to the Straw Poll to vote for him, barely contained his enthusiasm when he shouted: “I’m pleased as punch that I won.”* Had he not mentioned "that I won," straw poll watchers across the country, no doubt, would've wondered what so pleased the candidate to motivate him to compare himself to a watery fruit drink. So, we polled our readers asking: "Is Mitt 'The Kid' Romney as electable as a bowl of punch now that he's swept the Iowa Straw Poll?"
Answers:
"Mitt Who?" Ed Frangazzi, Hackensack, NJ
"What's a straw poll?" Jeanne Metcalf, Santa Cruz, CA
"Romney...is he the guy from Maine?" G.W. Bush, Wash., DC
"I'd vote for the punch. Unless, it's lime punch. I hate lime punch...still, I'd consider voting for the lime punch instead of Romney." Jarrell Mantooth, Detroit, MI
"Why should Idaho get all the credit?" Gloria Vasquez, Borger, TX
"Sheeiit..." Sgt. Al Sanchez, Baghdad
"Straw poll? was that this weekend?" Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani
"Sheeiit..." John McCain, Marlow New Hampshire
"Put a little Jack Daniels in that punch and you mighta got yourself somethin'" Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson, Sour Mash, TN
Romney shrugged off suggestions that winning the Iowa Straw Poll was like winning the T-Ball World Series. And, in what this reporter interpreted as a veiled threat to voters who might have a change of heart before the Caucus, Mitt said: "We know where the people are who showed up. We know how to get them. We know how to bring them again.” **
Second-place Strawman, Mikey Huckleberry, (R-AR) seemed unimpressed with Mitt's 32-percent sweep, commenting that his 18% polling shows he's a real player. Sam Brownbag's (R-KS) surprisingly strong third-place finish (15%) prompted rumors of Sam and Huck forming a joint ticket or build a raft to float down the Mississippi. This was reinforced as they strode on stage, where Huckleberry picked up his trademark bass guitar and after wind-milling the opening riff to The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction," Brownbag shouted into the microphone, as the sky opened up in a cloud burst of near-Biblical irony: "It's a free election, man..."
Concern immediately spread that Mitt's "punch" had been spiked and, maybe, wasn't punch at all but, instead--Koolaid (TM) .
***
* Gee willickers, but that's a real Romney quote.
** Another real dang-tooten' Romney quote.
Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights wronged.
In a stunning affirmation of the power of persistent campaigning with an unlimited war chest and a hand-picked electorate, former Massachusetts Governor and french missionary, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney declared himself the Strawman at the Republican-only, $35-per-vote Straw Poll (TM) held Saturday in Ames, Iowa in opposition to the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) in Des Moines. Unlike the Strawman Poll, the State Fair is open to all regardless of political affiliation and admission is considerably less than $35.
Mitt, dazed with his own brilliance to rally almost one-third (32%) of the Iowa Republicans bussed at his expense to the Straw Poll to vote for him, barely contained his enthusiasm when he shouted: “I’m pleased as punch that I won.”* Had he not mentioned "that I won," straw poll watchers across the country, no doubt, would've wondered what so pleased the candidate to motivate him to compare himself to a watery fruit drink. So, we polled our readers asking: "Is Mitt 'The Kid' Romney as electable as a bowl of punch now that he's swept the Iowa Straw Poll?"
Answers:
"Mitt Who?" Ed Frangazzi, Hackensack, NJ
"What's a straw poll?" Jeanne Metcalf, Santa Cruz, CA
"Romney...is he the guy from Maine?" G.W. Bush, Wash., DC
"I'd vote for the punch. Unless, it's lime punch. I hate lime punch...still, I'd consider voting for the lime punch instead of Romney." Jarrell Mantooth, Detroit, MI
"Why should Idaho get all the credit?" Gloria Vasquez, Borger, TX
"Sheeiit..." Sgt. Al Sanchez, Baghdad
"Straw poll? was that this weekend?" Rudy 'The G-Man' Giuliani
"Sheeiit..." John McCain, Marlow New Hampshire
"Put a little Jack Daniels in that punch and you mighta got yourself somethin'" Freddie 'Boom-Boom Law And/Or Order' Thompson, Sour Mash, TN
Romney shrugged off suggestions that winning the Iowa Straw Poll was like winning the T-Ball World Series. And, in what this reporter interpreted as a veiled threat to voters who might have a change of heart before the Caucus, Mitt said: "We know where the people are who showed up. We know how to get them. We know how to bring them again.” **
Second-place Strawman, Mikey Huckleberry, (R-AR) seemed unimpressed with Mitt's 32-percent sweep, commenting that his 18% polling shows he's a real player. Sam Brownbag's (R-KS) surprisingly strong third-place finish (15%) prompted rumors of Sam and Huck forming a joint ticket or build a raft to float down the Mississippi. This was reinforced as they strode on stage, where Huckleberry picked up his trademark bass guitar and after wind-milling the opening riff to The Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction," Brownbag shouted into the microphone, as the sky opened up in a cloud burst of near-Biblical irony: "It's a free election, man..."
Concern immediately spread that Mitt's "punch" had been spiked and, maybe, wasn't punch at all but, instead--Koolaid (TM) .
***
* Gee willickers, but that's a real Romney quote.
** Another real dang-tooten' Romney quote.
Dateline: Ames, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights wronged.
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