Sunday, October 21, 2007

Iowa Caucus Round Up the Usual Suspects

What We Know So Far (in Cliffs Notes depth) of the Front Runners and Boot Lickers


Can't keep track of the presidential hopeful field of dreams? No problem. We can't either, and here in Iowa the truth is, we don't really pay much attention until Caucus night, and by then we vote for whatever candidate brings the best caramel rolls. But for political junkies outside the ethanol belt, here's how Iowans see the Red and Blue lightweight contenders:


Senator Brownbag (R-KS?): Out and not missed, because we weren't really sure which one he was. Kept confusing him with Governor Huckleberry. One's from Kansas and the other from Arkansas, although on mailings the abbreviation for Arkansas (AR) was often mistakenly printed as AK, which is Alaska, and there's just no way Iowans will vote for anyone from a state that a) is colder than Mason City and b) gets more federal subsidies.


Governor Huckleberry (R-AK?): We think he's the one who's not Tancredo. Big eyes, never appears in a bathing suit due to stretch marks but a mean-ass bass player. Promises to eliminate income taxes (which doesn't get him the CPA vote here) and wants all US citizens to due push-ups. Bottom line: Huckleberry is on the way out. Still, dynamite bass man. Shame.


Tancredo (R-CO): Not since Lyndon LaRouche have so many Iowans been so...what's the word...? Scared of a Johnny-one-note political cartoon. Note to Tancranko: We don't really care that much about immigration. Many Iowans come from immigrant stock, yah, you be bechya. Tancredo: never in, so Out.


Senator Freddie Boom-Boom Law and/or Order Thompson (R-NBC): We love this guy. Not since Professor Harold Hill sang and danced his way into Marion the Librarian's bloomers, have Iowan's taken to a conman with such enthusiasm. But, as we like to say in River City, "He's got Trouble...with a capitol T that rhymes with P and stands for Polls, my friends. They lie. We lie. Iowans love to lie to the big-city pollsters who call us up during chore time askin' who we's gunna caucus fer. We lie. We'll keep Thompson alive just 'cause he's kinda funny to watch...like Ed Sullivan with a southern accent. In the end: Thompson is cancelled. We'll still watch him in reruns, though.


Obamalamadama (D-CHI): We dig this guy, want to hang out with him in smokey blues joints off downtown Des Moines. Not quite the bass man as Huckleberry, but smoooth with three ooo's. We're told he's black, and Iowan's are famously comfortable in our multi-cultural skins. Those who aren't, quietly note that he's also half-white. Either way, we like Obamalamadama...but don't expect too many to actually vote for him. Shame, he's probably the best of the lot.


Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY/AR/DC...): While Obamalamadama may only be half-black (or half-white, depending upon your Rorschach view) Hillary is all woman. We think. Frankly, she's scares some of us, so we'll probably vote for her in open caucus. Which means she'll win the Iowa Caucus, go on to scare the tar outa New Hampshire and South Carolina (but not Nevada) and win the nomination. Once we Iowans get into the secret voting booth, however, we'll vote for whatever plastic bobble head the Republicans offer.


Edwards (D-NC/IA): Johnny has been in Iowa so long he's become un-noticeable, except for those stupid blue jeans. No one in real Iowa wears jeans that fit like that. The average Iowan (male or female) has a 43 waistline. Off-the-Walmart-rack, you can only buy size 42 or 44. That means Iowa women look like summer sausage extruding from their undersized jeans while the male crowd flops around in Depression-era pants with plenty of comfort zone for emergencies. Here's the deal, though: Johnny Edwards' one theme is poverty. Hello, FDR? Iowans are raking in the federally subsidized ethanol dollars lately and don't care to be treated as Lil' Abner characters in the Edwards passion playground. 'sides, Freddie Boom-Boom does a better good-ole-boy drawl.


Dodd (D-CT/Fenway Park): Rhymes with "God." Great hair. Drinks beer. Served in the military. What's not to like? We'll find something and, like Biden, the other truly qualified candidate in this hog race, we'll dump him.


Bidentime (D-DE): Funny guy. Won't shut up, but funny. Smart, too. Won't shut up. Like Dodd, knows a lot about foreign policy, like, fer instance that the Iraq war thing didn't work out so well. Plan to undo that mess? Not invade Iraq again. Voter response: See Dodd.


Giuliani (R-NYC): Like Tancredo, Rudy The G-Man Giuliani is a one-hit wonder. Yeah, he was mayor of NYC when it was attacked...SIX YEARS AGO! Since then, he's gone through almost as many political and social conversions as Iowa's least favorite candidate...


Mitt The Kid Romney (R-UT, MA, MI): In purple trucks, weighing in at whatever weight gets him the most support for the bucks he's slathered on Iowa (a state that appreciates out-of-town subsidies). Mitt and Sons, LLC has all the charm to Iowans as someone trying to impersonate Prof. Harold Hill. Hey, Mitt, if you're gonna con, get a better song and dance. But, keep buying that air time for your Leaver It To Beaver TV ads. Iowa media like the revenue stream. Bottom line: we'd vote for Eddie Haskel or Lumpy Rutherford before Romney. And it's not just because of that whole Larry Craig thing, either. We found that rather amusing, because Iowans have long had our suspicions about Minnesota. I'm just saying...


Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY): Did I mention she really scares us? In a recent secret poll by David Yawpson, Politics as Entertainment Editor of the Des Moines Register/Picayune, 78% of Iowa males likely to caucus, said that Hillary reminded them of their junior high school vice-principal. That same poll showed that 89% of Iowa males likely to caucus, who'd attended Catholic school, said that Hillary reminded them of the "a mean nun who knows what naughty thoughts you harbor."
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McCain: Tired, beat up, getting a little short-tempered... That's how Iowans' feel about McCain's constantly reemerging campaign. Although, we do like his Galaxy Quest motto: "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" Still, we admire the old warrior, and where we might view Hillary as the evil vice-principal, Mr. McCain is the principal who wants to catch us smoking by the dumpster. With respect, Senator: Time's up.


Kuspinich (D-OH!): Remember, America, we Iowans get to vote first, so if you don't buy our ethanol--and we mean in big boatloads--or send us a serious candidate we just might caucus Dennis Kuspinich onto your ballot.


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Dateline: River City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam, BPNN (Blog Party News Network) (TM), all rights reserved for possible revision.

*Margin of error +/- 100%. Yes, caucus is used as a verb.





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