Writers Strike At Iowa Caucus

Pols Dumbstruck as Ratings Plummet

Iowans awoke today to the consequences of the Writers Guild strike when the state's favorite reality program Democrat Party! © was removed from the Fox TV lineup and replaced by reruns of Ronald Reagan's hit 1980s series, Mornin', America! ©

"It's a nightmare," The Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-As-Entertainment-Editor, David Yawpson, remarked before a taping of the his weekly PBS series, The Barbaric Yawp. He then seemed stuck for words and stared blankly at this reporter until finally repeating, "It's a nightmare." Sweat was noticeable beneath his two-day old makeup, the result--this reporter can only conclude--from the Local Brotherhood of Makeup Artists and Seam Fitters (LBMASF) refusing to cross the writers' picket line that stretched around the public TV facility.

Effects from the writers walkout continued to be noticed across the Hawkeye state as presidential campaigns sputtered and stalled in small towns, where once glib politicians, armed by speechwriters, babbled aimlessly about Iraq, taxes and ethanol. With their writers on strike, they had to babble unassisted. It was ugly.

Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons (D-NY, AR, IL), appearing in Iowa's famed Amana Refrigerator Colonies, feigned laryngitis and shrugged as reporters shouted questions. At her husband's suggestions, she managed a smile.

Senator Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order Thompson (R-NBC), currently floundering on the Iowa campaign trail even with the best Hollywood writers, was silenced mid-sentence while appearing at a Conservatives Against Everything rally in Waterloo. A quick-thinking aide noted the impending disaster and instantly reprogrammed the Senator to replay his role of the president in Hunt For Reds in October. The right-wing crowd seemed relieved and joined in Thompson's Marxist campaign song, "Whatever it is, I'm Against it!" *

Senator Obalamadama (D-CHI) didn't seem ruffled by the Writers Guild strike. "Read this," he quipped through cigarette smoke as he tossed an Iowa Code (law book) at this non-striking writer. "Iowa's a right-to-work state, man." My blank stare caused the senator to elaborate. "Dig it: I can use non-union writers here, and there ain't nuthin' the Guild can do or think about it." Appearing later that evening before the League of Homeless Voters in Ames, Iowa, Obalamadama launched into his non-union speech aimed at his nearest competitor, Senator Johnny Edwards (D-NC, LLC): "He wear no shine...He got holy roller...(But) He one mojo filter!" Pausing briefly to savor the applause, he drove home his message: "I am the walrus...coo-coo-ca-choo!" **

Former Governor Rudy The G-Man Giuliani (R-NY) smiled when asked if the writers' strike would negatively impact his plans to invade any country ending in an. "No way," Rudy dismissed the question. "I don't need no stinkin' script, I got Pat Robertson on my team--don't think that didn't cost me. 'sides, I memorized my line long ago." He then pushed away to work a crowd of adoring fans who chanted, "9-11...9-11...!"

Senator Joe Bidentime (D-DE), appearing before Cub Scout Troop 135 in Promise City, Iowa*** seemed least impacted by the writers' strike as he continued talking well past the strike deadline and his audience's bedtime.

Dennis Kuspinich (D-OH!), who claims to have never used professional writer staff, took the opportunity to resurrect an old script he's been trying to pedal for seven years. Impeach Cheney! was rejected by the Congressional Thought Control Committee but, in a move only possible in Iowa, was immediately scooped up by Rejection Slip Theater ©, which plans to turn the somewhat improbable storyline into a comedy. "Maybe add a dynamite dance number," RST's executive producer, Joe Pundzak, added when asked what could possibly be done to salvage the administration. When asked if he'd approve the Kuspinich radio musical, Rejection Slip Theater's host, Paul Berge, said, "I'm no writer; I just read the lines put in front of me."

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Dateline: Denison, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights considered.

* Groucho Marx, gleaned under Fair Use, from Animal Crackers © 1930

** Yeah, Beatles ©. Whaddya expect from non-onion writers?

*** Real place in southern Iowa.