Friday, November 23, 2007

Musharraf Tosses Helmet in Iowa Caucus Ring

Iowa Caucus Race In Turmoil!

In a shocking special session Thanksgiving decision, the nation's highest court ruled that President-General Perezzzzzz Musharraf (R-PK) could reelect himself to the nation's highest office. Reaction from the White House was supportive: "He's a good man," President Bushcheney said while serving turkey and dressing to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (TM) at Camp David (TM) as the musical troupe prepared to deploy to Iraq, in what has been viewed as an effort to derail former Governor Mitt Romney's (R-MA) influence in the Iowa Caucus. The President then added with a smirk (TM): "(But) Mufassa (sic) needs to take off his uniform."

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It took a week or so to translate "take off his uniform" into a workable phrase that the Pakistani General/President could accept, and with speechwriters still on strike, the White House was forced to outsource the translation to a Karachi firm, which apparently found just the right wording, because, today, Musharraf stood before his Parliament in civie skivvies and a NY Yankees baseball cap. With his voice echoing through the great hall, he said: "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth, oh yes, thank you very much, indeed." Musharraf then donned Johnny Edwards designer campaign blue jeans (TM) and announced his candidacy for the President of the United States.

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Reaction in Iowa, the First-In-The-Nation Caucus State (TM), was swift-boat fast. "Now that Musharraf has entered the race," the Des Moines Register-Picayune's Politics-as-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpson announced on his syndicated TV program, The Barbaric Yawp, "this changes the entire equation." Yawpsun--himself struggling in the wake of the writers strike, now in its seventh week--proceeded to illustrate his analysis on an erasable board using non-union phrases such as "it's a whole new ballgame," and "proof that Iowa voters are an independent-minded lot." He seemed to be on the verge of saying "as we go forward," when Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, took the microphone and said that "there were serious issues and questions regarding Mr. Musharaff's candidacy. Do we know anything about this guy? Is he really an Iowan or just pretending? I want bona fides."
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The question seemed moot as the Internet was already awash with rumors that Musharaff was a "Mormon," and conservative radio host, Surge Windbag, rallied his WHO-Knewsradio audience to throw its support behind Chicago Senator Obamalamadama because, as Windbag seemed to imply (or we inferred), "he's no Mormon." Later, station owner, Don Imus, expressed shock and regret at Windbag's remarks and promised that former General President Musharaff would receive a big, friendly Iowa welcome and a seasonal "Ho-Ho-Ho!"
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Elsewhere in Iowa, the Huckleberry (R?-AR) campaign--which has been surging in recent polls much to the candidate's own surprise and Romney-Rudy's collective chagrin--expressed, through his campaign spokesman and former Iowa Senate pro tem, Danny Carroll, moral concern about run-on sentences and Musharaff's ability to lead the United States: “I think it just causes some uneasiness as to how somebody is going to respond when heavy responsibility is placed on them. I think the Christian would like to know that the person has a strong anchor and prays to the God of the Bible (TM).”* Bibles of the God © were then dropped from a circling USAF C-130 cargo plane onto the Iowa masses undecided about which God endorsed which candidate. Those not enraptured by the message were rendered unconscious. "The Christian," Carroll referenced was unavailable for comment.
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dateline: Turmoil, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party Muse Network ©, all rights returned for deposit.
* actual quote: NY Times November 28, 2007





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