With The United Brother and/or Sisterhood of Amalgamated Speechwriters, Seamfitters and Lollipop Leaguers still on strike, presidential campaigns across Iowa are spinning out of control as candidates' aides desperately comb local colleges for any unused words. Aides in the Senator Hilly/Billy Clintons' Brigade took a page from the FEMA self-examination book and allegedly coaxed a Grinnell College Student to toss the New York senator a slow pitch during a recent campaign stop. "Um, Ms. Senator Clintons, like, um, if you were to um, you know, like, should get, um, like elected or even caucused?"
Senator Clintons immediately picked up the ball and launched into a practiced speech on motherhood, clean air and her evolving views on water-boarding. She then vanished in a puff of smoke while a deep voice, rumored to be from Billy, her darker half, warned the suddenly terrified Grinnellkins to "Ignore the words behind the curtain." Unfortunately for the Clintons a reporter from the Blog Party News Network (BPNN), Inc. persisted in pulling back that curtain and discovered that the student's questions was a plant, a dupe, a patsy, I tells ya, and the Hilly/Billy campaign knew all along.
A campaign staffer immediately stopped the BPNN investigation by invoking the Moving Forward immunity card: “It’s not something we do,"* Mr. Elleithheeheehee smugly announced.
"What, water-boarding?"
"No, planting questions," Elleithheeheehee continued unfazed. "It’s not an 'official' campaign policy.” He seemed to punctuate his 'statement' with air quotes and then elaborated on Clintons' My dog didn't bite you, but if it did, it wasn't my dog campaign rationale: “But it is now an 'official' campaign policy that we will not do this moving forward.” **
There it is. Once a candidate "moves forward" there's nothing anyone can do, especially in Iowa, a state with the motto: A Place To Go Forward © . As though to emphasize the hopelessness, Grinnellkens saw Senator Hilly/Billy turn over an over sized hour glass and declare, "Only eight weeks to Caucus time, my pretties...!" Her cackling laugh terrified second tier candidates cowering in a nearby shrubbery.
In a usual display of rehearsed pluck, candidate Johnny Edwards (D-ESQ) announced, "Wait! I just might have an idea..."
(to be continued?) *** .
*****
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dateline: Emerald City, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network, (BPNN) ©, all rights temporarily wronged.
*Actual quote from Elleithheeheehee, NYTimes, November 12, 2007
** ibid
*** Not if you vote first and Vote Iowa Blog Party!
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