Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Endorsements Fly in Iowa

Citing a looming deadline and the need to "pick someone," The Des Moines Register-Picayune announced its choices for the upcoming Iowa Caucus. At an unscripted live press conference, the newspaper's Politics-As-Entertainment Editor, David Yawpsun, read the winners' names from the back of a Court Avenue Brew Pub coaster: "Ah, for the Republican Party we picked...ah, just a sec," Yawpsun adjusted his reading glasses, "Can't read my own writing...least I think it's my handwriting." A hush filled the room until Yawpsun directed an Iowa Public TV reporter to quit hushing, and then continued, "Best I can tell, I recommend Governor...no, wait, that's Senator...yeah, Senator McCain for the Republican nomination, and...huh?" Yawpsun paused, appearing confused. "Whaddya know," he mused, "I had written what looks like 'Obama,' could be 'Oprah'...might even be 'Omagosh,' can't tell. Anyhoooo, looks like I crossed it out and wrote in "The Clintons." An even bigger hush filled the room until Yawpsun, removing his glasses stared at the press corps and with arms wide, asked, "What? It was a long night; can't expect me to remember all them names...." He then left the stage muttering, "Not like anyone attending the caucus actually knows who the hell's running..."
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Contacted in New Hampshire where he was changing a tire with his bare hands on his Never Give Up; Never Surrender Galaxy Quest campaign bus outside the Marlow VFW Hall, John McCain (R-AZ) said of the Des Moines Register-Picayune's endorsement: "Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I think we are starting to see some of the same thing we saw in 2000.” * Which, to this reporter, means that McCain sees himself getting trashed, again, by George W. Bush.
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Meanwhile, a person-of-spokes for The Clintons campaign issued a carefully worded statement on legal paper stating, in part, that "It's about f*&ing time! What's wrong with those square-headed farmers? They think we slogged through that stupid state fair just to smell the pig poop? I mean, come on!"
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Candidate Obamaladama paused while healing lepers before an estimated crowd of 300,000 at the Iowa State University Political Science Arena as moderator, Professor Stephano Schlitz, aka, "Dr. Political Death," informed the one-term Illinois candidate of the Des Moines newspaper's selections. Obamalamadama replied by striking a nearby stone with his staff and beer flowed forth. "Let's see them top that," the Senator quipped as the Iowa multitudes surged forward chanting: "Beer! Beer! Beer! Oh, Oh, Obamalamadama!"
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In other endorsements: The Urbandale Shopper selected Mitt The Kid Romney (R?-MA) after he purchased the weekly handout for a reported $3 million. The NRA's The Rifleman magazine scoped New Mexico's Bill Richardson, because, as editor Lucas McCain noted, "He's the closest thing we got to the late Chuck Connors." Marie Osmond, in a surprise move, chose Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-ARmageddon) saying she could never resist a good bass man. Striking NBC writers voted to back Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-And/Or-Order Thompson and were immediatly hired to rewrite his campaign. The Minuteman Manifesto selected Tom Tancranko (R-CO). Senator Joseph Biden endorsed fellow Senator Christopher Dodd (D-CT), who, in a show of good sportsmanship, endorsed the Delaware Senator. No one endorsed Ron Paul (L-TX), but another $12 million magically appeared in his account from Internet donors, and Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) received the endorsement of the East Cleveland Middle School Gazette, narrowly defeating Republicanish Rudy The G-Man Giuliani.
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...........................***
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* actual quote NY Times, December 18, 2007
dateline: Poliennui, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reaffirmed.

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