O, Yes, IOWA

Crowds Show For Oprah; Some Stay To Hear Candidate

In the final countdown to Iowa Caucus 2008 (TM), candidates now divide their precious Hawkeye state moments between poking ever sharper sticks at each other and dragging out celebrity endorsements. Front runner, Mike Huckleberry (D-AR), has signed up aging Texas Fearless-Fu Fighter, Chuck Norris, as well as the previously uncommitted, Jesus Christ, who until recently was assumed to be remaining on the sidelines. A person-of-spokes for Christ told BPNN: "Jesus doesn't like to endorse candidates, per se, but ever since..." (she paused to whisper) "he whose name must never be spoken* has come out for Rudy "The G-Man" Giuliani, well, heaven knows we had to move, and since Oprah's made her pick, and Streisand hers, the selections were getting thin. So, we went with Mike."

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The Streisand endorsement refers to the critical backing of Barbra Streisand, LLC., a factor sure to put Iowa caucus goers in a quandary, or as one potential caucuser, Millie Eckdevaalt, said at a recent Dancing With the Candidates event held at the newly remodeled, Pella IHOP **: "Barbra who?" When pressed about who'd she'd support, Eckdevaalt pointed to her red and black ABH (Anyone But Hillary) button and said, "I'd vote for Gilligan before I'd voter for them Clintons again."

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Bob Denver (aka Gilligan) would not return our calls confirming his recent entry into this already crowded race. A person-of-spokes for Mr. Denver did, however, imply that Denver might be ineligible to run as he was dead. Iowa's Attorney General-For-Life, Tom Milner, reportedly has said that death could disqualify the otherwise "electable" candidate. Freddie "Boom-Boom-Law-and/or-Order" Thompson (R-NBC), who has long been rumored to be The Skipper, views a Gilligan run as potentially disastrous for the Iowa Caucus TV vote. Gilligan's campaign manager, Alan Hale, Jr., would neither confirm nor deny these rumors, which tells us that there's either a last-minute "Caucus surprise" in the works or not.

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In other breaking Iowa campaign news, Mitt "The Kid" Romney (R-MA, MI, UT?)--who's trailing well behind Huckleberry and Gilligan in a recent BPNN/Des Moines Register-Picayune poll of illegal aliens likely to attend the caucus--appeared on live TV without the aid of striking speechwriters to announce that he is not a Muslim. Apparently, this was an Internet rumor and has been squashed, although, one has to wonder what the lingering effects will be. Candidate Romney went on to explain that his wife wears a respectable Republican cloth coat and that his son "Tagg" lives in a shoe with his dog and will not come out. The Romney campaign machine hopes this puts the whole Mormon/Muslim controversy to bed and the candidate can return to doing what Iowans like best about the Massachusetts governor--showering the state with money.

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*Pat Robertson

**Iowa House Of Politics (TM)

dateline: Pella, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all flights canceled