Writers Strike Disrupts Republican Debate

Candidates Without Mouthpieces Babble In Des Moines

Resorting to puns, cliches and...those other things that sound dumb, Republican candidates shuffled through yet another debate in Iowa, this one hosted by Sister Maria Belladonna, Guest Political Editor for the Des Moines Register-Picayune. After making all candidates "line up behind his respective rostrum," Sister Belladonna fired the opening question at Governor Mitt The Kid Romney (R-MA, mostly): "Mister Romney, if elected president...stand up straight, please, Mr. Romney."

"Sorry, sister."

"And unless you've brought enough for everyone, please remove that smug confidence from your face."

Obligingly, Mitt stood up straight and waited the avenging nun to finish her question: "...how would you simultaneously secure our nation's borders, increase American worker productivity and mow your lawn?"

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Romney began to smile, hesitated and replied, "I'm glad you asked that question."

Sr. Belladonna could be heard to mutter, "I'll bet you are," as she slapped a ruler against her palm.

Romney swallowed hard, seemed to be confused and resorted to an old stump speech: "Blah, blah, blah...blah, blah...blah!"

Both supporters in the audience of 12 applauded as the moderator turned her attention to Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR): "Mr. Huckleberry..."

"Yes, sister?"

"Please don't interrupt."

"Yes..."

"As the current front-runner, how will you maintain this (pause) unlikely lead, given your opponents' willingness to, well, do whatever it takes to bring you down? You have 30 seconds."

"Thirty seconds for what?"

"To answer the question, Mr. Huckleberry."

"Oh..."

"Twenty-five seconds."

With his patented deer-in-the-headlights gaze, Huckleberry--working for weeks without a speechwriter--replied: "kill the snake rather than just treat the snakebites...I can’t part the Red Sea, but I believe I can part the red tape...(and) a polarized country has led to a paralyzed government.”*

Sr. Belladonna stared, said nothing for 15 seconds as Huckleberry squirmed. Finally, "Thank you, Governor."

"I'm a governor, too, Sister!" Mitt Romney shouted.

"No talking out of turn..."

"I want to talk about illegal aliens, please, Sister," Congressman Tancranko (R-CO) whined.

"Not today, Mr. Tancranko," Sr. Belladonna said. "We're only talking about real issues today."

Tancranko, knowing he hadn't done his homework and would have nothing further to say, stormed off the stage muttering, "Stupid issues...stupid illegal space aliens...."

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After a few more questions to which candidates simply repeated previously memorized speeches, Sister Belladonna removed her reading glasses and asked the assembled Republican presidential candidates: "Have any of you gentlemen done your homework?"

Romney's hand shot up, but Belladonna ignored him adding, "Anyone actually done his own homework?" Romney's hand slowly dropped, after which Rudy Giuliani shot a spit wad and Johnny McCain giggled, while Ronnie Paul tried to unravel his tie from the microphone cord.

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Sister Belladonna rapped the moderator's rostrum with her ruler and demanded: "Show of hands, is anyone of you able to write his own words, to have an independent thought?" An awkward silence was interrupted by Freddie Thompson who pumped and arm fart. And with that, another presidential candidates debate was concluded and they all ran outside for recess...all except Romney who remained behind offering to help fold chairs. Sr. Belladonna refused his offer and was last seen lighting a cigarette as she left the building.

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*real quotes: NY Times Dec. 13, 2007

dateline: Des Moines, IA, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights revered.