Candidates Race To Iowa's Bottom
In the final weeks leading up to the Democratic Iowa State Fair (TM), TT multi-candidate Hilly/Billy (version 0.8 (TM) D-NY/AR) was struck by a witless cow pie from second-rated TT candidate Obamalamadama on the Caucus-Rukus Trail. “I don’t want Bush-Cheney lite,”* Obamalamadama quipped about Hilly/Billy before a multitude at the Davenport Municipal Airport where he'd stopped briefly for the Quad Cities Quadrennial Quaker Qampaign Qualifier, considered a must-attend for any serious Iowa Caucus hopeful.
Obamalamadama's poll-tested, off-the-cuff reference to the state's official beverage--Lite beer--met with unexpected mixed results from the polite, but suddenly discomfited, crowd, which had stood for hours staring open-mouthed into a leaden sky awaiting the candidate's campaign Learjet to arrive.
"Normally, my man owns the crowd," Obamalamadama's campaign coolness analyzer, Bernie Emmelman, noted as his man floundered in the corporate jet's entrance way. "Obamalamadama is all about delivery, style; I hate to see him stumble like this," he added as he shoved a hastily scribbled note to the candidate, now desperate to change course. Obamalamadama read the note, smiled inwardly and announced: “I want a fundamental change.”** The crowd went wild, placated by the implied reference to Bush/Cheney, Iraq, Irabia, FEMA, Alberto Gonzales, Wolfowitz, Britney Spears and the Chicago Cubs. Obamalanadama also appeared to be reaching out to religious fundamentalists by embracing "fundamental change."
The religious euphoria was almost dampened by an unscripted question shouted from the crowd by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's politics-as-entertainment editor, David Yupson: "Is it true you smoke?"
"Oh, s*&^!" Emmelman uttered as he pulled the pin on a smoke grenade, rolled it onto the tarmac, and the candidate, his latest ideas and the luxury Learjet departed, leaving the adoring crowd staring, once again, at the dark sky wondering when--perhaps if--the Democratic saviour would reappear with a new message of hope.
TT candidate Hilly/Billy upon sensing the presence of unauthorized hope, rotated its all-seeing eye atop its dark campaign tower to find out who carried the ring of hope. "Hope," the dark and grating voice from Tower Hilly/Billy warned, "Is our message!" Lightning bolts punctuated the barely veiled threats across the Iowa shires where hairy-toed Caucus goers stopped for second breakfast, unafraid of the dark forces sweeping their state.
Meanwhile, at the site of the impending, and much ignored, Iowa Republican Strawman Poll (TM) to be held Aug 11--in competition with the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) --TT candidate Golum Huckleberry (R-AR) could be heard growling beside a shallow gene pool, "It's mine. Hope is a all mine, my precious, Hope...and fundamentalism--all mine...mine...."
***
dateline: Davenport, Iowa Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights revered.
* Actual quote: See NY Times July 27, 2007
** Actual quote: ibid
In the final weeks leading up to the Democratic Iowa State Fair (TM), TT multi-candidate Hilly/Billy (version 0.8 (TM) D-NY/AR) was struck by a witless cow pie from second-rated TT candidate Obamalamadama on the Caucus-Rukus Trail. “I don’t want Bush-Cheney lite,”* Obamalamadama quipped about Hilly/Billy before a multitude at the Davenport Municipal Airport where he'd stopped briefly for the Quad Cities Quadrennial Quaker Qampaign Qualifier, considered a must-attend for any serious Iowa Caucus hopeful.
Obamalamadama's poll-tested, off-the-cuff reference to the state's official beverage--Lite beer--met with unexpected mixed results from the polite, but suddenly discomfited, crowd, which had stood for hours staring open-mouthed into a leaden sky awaiting the candidate's campaign Learjet to arrive.
"Normally, my man owns the crowd," Obamalamadama's campaign coolness analyzer, Bernie Emmelman, noted as his man floundered in the corporate jet's entrance way. "Obamalamadama is all about delivery, style; I hate to see him stumble like this," he added as he shoved a hastily scribbled note to the candidate, now desperate to change course. Obamalamadama read the note, smiled inwardly and announced: “I want a fundamental change.”** The crowd went wild, placated by the implied reference to Bush/Cheney, Iraq, Irabia, FEMA, Alberto Gonzales, Wolfowitz, Britney Spears and the Chicago Cubs. Obamalanadama also appeared to be reaching out to religious fundamentalists by embracing "fundamental change."
The religious euphoria was almost dampened by an unscripted question shouted from the crowd by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's politics-as-entertainment editor, David Yupson: "Is it true you smoke?"
"Oh, s*&^!" Emmelman uttered as he pulled the pin on a smoke grenade, rolled it onto the tarmac, and the candidate, his latest ideas and the luxury Learjet departed, leaving the adoring crowd staring, once again, at the dark sky wondering when--perhaps if--the Democratic saviour would reappear with a new message of hope.
TT candidate Hilly/Billy upon sensing the presence of unauthorized hope, rotated its all-seeing eye atop its dark campaign tower to find out who carried the ring of hope. "Hope," the dark and grating voice from Tower Hilly/Billy warned, "Is our message!" Lightning bolts punctuated the barely veiled threats across the Iowa shires where hairy-toed Caucus goers stopped for second breakfast, unafraid of the dark forces sweeping their state.
Meanwhile, at the site of the impending, and much ignored, Iowa Republican Strawman Poll (TM) to be held Aug 11--in competition with the Democrat's Iowa State Fair (TM) --TT candidate Golum Huckleberry (R-AR) could be heard growling beside a shallow gene pool, "It's mine. Hope is a all mine, my precious, Hope...and fundamentalism--all mine...mine...."
***
dateline: Davenport, Iowa Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News (c), all rights revered.
* Actual quote: See NY Times July 27, 2007
** Actual quote: ibid
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