Mitt 'The Kid' Unleases Iowa Surge

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dateline: Des Moines; Artie Azzetti, Editor-on-the-Lam

“We’re in the dog days of summer!" John Weaver, Mickey McCain's chief political adviser, warned spectators (mostly reporters) at the unveiling of a statue of Mitt 'The Kid' Romney at the Iowa State Fairgrounds (http://www.iowastatefair.com/). Mitt's chiseled image, 150% life-size and made of clay, is part of a multi-million-dollar media campaign to shock and/or awe Iowa voters. The TV onslaught, which comes six weeks before the traditional political monsoon season begins during the Fair, unnerved some reporters who already had vacation plans. "Most of us were headed to Branson (Missouri) for Jimmy Osmond's Salute To Iowa's Side Roads stage show," David Yupson, political entertainment critic for the Des Moines Register, complained. "We had tickets...and really swell rooms." Yupson, in an unusual show of editorial grit, challenged The Kid's campaign to explain its strategy. Yupson politely shouted: "Iowa's 'Dog Days' (TM) don't officially begin until the Des Moines Dog Obedience Club (TM) hosts the annual summer event in August." He then emphasized, "At the Fair and not on tel-o-vision!" (so) "Just what does Mitt's organization think it's doing?"

Yupson was silenced by conservatively dressed Mittian campaign volunteers who rushed through the crowd handing out free cardboard cutouts (80% life size) of the candidate posing before a 1968 Ford Mustang muscle car while giving a thumbs-up to the viewers.
Weaver then tried to undermine Mitt's campaign surge by explaining in Mickeyian terms that: “It would be like, if on a busy intersection, a hamburger chain puts up a store, and they’re the only hamburger chain around. People would buy their hamburgers there, but after a period of time, Burger King and McDonalds move in, and the hamburger chain wouldn’t do as well.”*

No one understood, or was listening at this point, and, with The Kid's Koolaid consumed, reporters, including this one, who'd run out of commas, then stared at Mitt's cardboard poster image and agreed, "Dude, he does look so presidential."
Only then were hamburgers served to Iowa's news-hungry Fourth Estate.

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* Actual quote. For the full NY Times story go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/13/us/politics/13ads.html?_r=1&oref=slogin