Bloomberg To Buy Iowa?

Hot Air or Trial Baboon?

In a move, described by Iowa's Governor 'Chet' Culvert, former lead banjo player for the Ioway Caucus Bluegrass and Ethanol Boyz, as "Weird but doable," New York City's billionaire mayor, Richard R. Bloomberg, 65, placed a bid to buy Iowa. "All of it," Chet remarked, "even the State Fairgrounds, which gotta be worth somethin'." In anticipation of the new ownership, Culvert ordered Bloomfield, Iowa to change its name to Bloomberg. "Make him feel welcome," Chet added.

Bloomberg, who was formerly a Republican and before that a Democrat and whose 2002 mayoral campaign song included the lyrics, "I'll take Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island, too..."©, has shown a remarkable ability to clean up after former NYC mayor, Rudy 'the G-Man' Guiliani, who was last seen on the presidential rapper circuit trying to outdo Mitt 'the Kid' Romney for the coveted "Most Flipped Stancedance Award" on FoxNews' Dancing With The Pols (TM).

During an interview on board his Gulfstream jet, flown by actor and pilot, John Travolta (I-NJ), Bloomberg elaborated on the rumors of his plans to purchase Iowa and the possible conflict with his management of NYC, LLC: “I believe this brings my affiliation into alignment with how I have led and will continue to lead my city.”* Mr. Bloomberg’s use of "my city," reminded this reporter of Frank Sinatra (D-NJ later R-CA), and, therefore, should be considered by readers to be an endorsement of the Bloomberg campaign.

In a Bloomberg press release, not yet released, the candidate said: "...good ideas should take precedence over rigid adherence to any particular political ideology.” *

When confronted by that statement at a group debate sponsored by the Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP) in Shinola, Iowa, most of the other TeleTubby (TM) candidates stared blankly, some looked afraid and one (Mickey McCain) remarked, "What are good ideas? Nobody told me we're supposed to have those...Sh**, you pay people for ideas, only to find out you're supposed to have good ideas." He then scowled at the cameras and said, "Well, I can get good ideas, too."

When hearing that Bloomberg might outspend her, TeleTubby (TM) candidate, 'Hilly' Clinton, is reported to have smirked, and then on her husband's advice she forced a smile, although she appeared to be not amused.

Candidate Joey Bidentime was contacted on the campaign trail at the Des Moines Interdenominational Airport (KDSM) where he was removing his shoes for TSA screening: "Bloomberg? Is he the guy with the jet plane? Cool...hey, he knows Travolta doesn't he? You ever seen Travolta do that dance in Pulp Fiction? I taught him that move. Dude, watch me!" Bidentime then proceeded to attempt to Twist (TM) but was immediately escorted to a secure area of the terminal for further examination. Travolta, when not reached for comment, might've blamed Bidentime's behaviour on "drugs."

Governor 'Chet' Culvert reminded reporters that his last name ends with a 't' "They call me, Mr. T!" he added and then pittied the fool who might forget.

***

Dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam
*Actual quotes. For full story see: NY Times June 20, 2007 or your podiatrist if irritation persists.