Claiming death might interfere with his campaign plans, former United Nations secretary general and self-absolved wartime Nazi intelligence officer, Kurt Waldheim, 88, withdrew from the nearly pointless Iowa Straw Poll (TM) . Speaking through a spokesperson and channeler, the late Austrian pol is reported to be spending "more time with his family" in a cemetery outside Vienna.
Austrian-turned-governor-of-California, Arnold Schwartzadrupen, was not reached for comment and is not considered a viable alternative to Waldheim in the Iowa Straw Poll (TM), although in a recent Shinola Register-Tattler/IHOP Poll*, the California governor clocked in 4 points higher than Senator Mickey McCain of Arizona (+/- 5 pts). McCain consistently polls slightly behind an undeclared bale of straw.
World leaders were quick to offer measured stunned silences on this announcement. The undeclared straw bale, however, issued a statement saying: "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Waldheim family and victims of Nazi tyranny."
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*IHOP: Iowa House Of Politics (TM)
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