Monday, July 2, 2007

Iowa Replaces Voting Machines With ATMs

"It seemed like the obvious choice," Governor Chet 'Mr. T' Culvert, said at a Shinola, Iowa ethanol judging contest, early Monday morning. "And the solution was staring up our noses the whole time!" He punctuated the air with an exclamation point to emphasize both his surprise and satisfaction at the Iowa Attorney General's rumored plans to replace the state's outdated voting machines, that simply counted votes, with ATMs (Automated Teller Machines) that track the true test of a candidate's viability.

"The idea came to me when I was on line for cash at the Caseys' store, conveniently located on the square in newly renamed Bloomberg, Iowa," the AG said in a telephone interview, where he didn't actually identify himself. "The fellow ahead of me--a little guy, North Carolina accent, flannel shirt, great haircut--had remarked, 'You know, if we could just get the good, hard working folks of Iowa to vote by ATM, we'd save democracy.' So, I took that as a sign and ordered all voting machines replaced with ATMs. Plus, to make it easier to vote, all ATMs already in place will be retrofitted to accept your vote. Plus, plus!" This reporter could hear the air punctuation over the phone. "I'm ordering TouchPlay (TM) slots to be reinstalled at all convenience stores throughout the state and reprogrammed to not only accept your vote, but to select a candidate at random for the undecided voter." We then lost his signal before being able to confirm his identity or the plans. Still, as the Des Moines Register-Picayune's, political entertainment editor, David Yupson, might well remark, "This represents a big shift...a big shift away from the last shift, which, in and of itself, was big."

When not reached for comment, Iowa State University's Political Science Professor, Stefan Kevorkian, PhD., aka Doctor Political Death (TM) , remarked, "Gimme a break, willya? It's four in the morning! Don't you people ever sleep? Besides, we've seen this all before...."

Doctor Political Death was correct, The Blog Party News nevers sleeps, and it's time to put this issue to bed.

In Shinola, I'm Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam for BPN.


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