Dems Swap Roles and Rolls With Reps

Coming on the heels of blockbuster second-quarter campaign contribution reports by major TeleTubby (TM) Democratic candidates, Obamalamadama and Hilly/Billy Clinton, Republican candidates Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani and his arch nemesis, Mitt 'The Kid' Romney were too embarrassed to show their faces in the bigger Iowa cities (those with populations over 500) after announcing less-than-Republicanly financial reports.

"It's like I gotta pay my own way," Mitt 'The Kid' grumbled as he wrote yet another personal check for $6.5 billion to his campaign coffer during a break in taping his latest campaign add in which he poses with a butter cow on a TV set made to look almost like the Iowa State Fairgrounds. "You people think I'm Bloomberg or something?" No one, that we contacted in Iowa, confused 'The Kid' with anyone else, except possibly Tony Dow, who was unavailable for comment, because we didn't contact him, and, we should note in all journalistic fairness, is never seen in the same room with Mitt 'The Kid' Romney. We're just saying...

Meanwhile, Senator 'Mickey' McCain, who appeared at a bake sale and July 4th party held on his behalf, and at his expense, at the Oskaloosa American Legion Hall in Oskaloosa, Iowa, appeared to be unperturbed by his own sagging chin and campaign earnings, but would not speak to us. Instead, his senior advisor, Charles Black, agreed to an interview if we purchased a blueberry muffin. We made the deal, and Black commented while absently brushing flies from a batch of caramel buns: “The general mood is bad throughout the party.” *
A quick look around the nearly empty hall confirmed that. Black continued: “There are some donors that are used to giving money all the time, and there are a whole bunch of people who are more casual donors who need to be fired up. The Democrats on the other hand are totally fired up, intensely fired...” *
Dude, like, a whole bunch of us totally agreed, this party sucked, so we left our blueberry muffin on the card table and drove away just as the band, 20/20 Hindsight ** of Mason City was arriving to set up for a NASCAR-themed wedding. Earlier, McCain had intensely fired half of his campaign staff.

Elsewhere, not in Iowa, the unannounced first tier Republican-like candidates, Michael 'I Took Manhattan' Bloomberg and Fred 'No Relation to Tommy' Thompson are both reported to have enough money on hand to buy the Democrat or Republic parties, maybe both. Rumors of Fred's first wife, Emma, donating half of her Harry Potter © film royalties to Fred's Law And/Or Order © campaign have not been verified.

Minor Republican TeleTubby (TM) candidates, Brokeback and Huckleberry have yet to report their campaign totals, which are expected to be totally, like, you know so Democrat. Totally.

****

* Actual quotes. For complete text see the July 4, 2007 NY Times ©: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/04/us/politics/04repubs.html
** Actual rock group and they don't suck.

Dateline: Oskaloosa, Iowa. Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News ©.