Campaign Stalls In Search For Aide's Glasses...
In what can only be described as "a slow news day on the Iowa campaign side roads," The Blog Party News © has learned that former front-runner and winner of the Adlai E. Stevenson Perennial Candidate Award, Senator 'Mickey' McCain (R-AZ), admits that is aide, Mark Salter, has lost his glasses (pictured at right searching for clues before FBI arrived*).
"This won't stop us," an unidentified POS for the McCain campaign told us outside McCain's Des Moines YMCA campaign headquarters, where she was having a smoke while rummaging through a trash barrel for deposit bottles. "You wouldn't believe what people toss out. Look at this--there's a nickle deposit here that could go toward victory!" She continued rummaging and ignored our follow-up questions about the campaign's alleged financial difficulties.
"We had false assumptions about how much money could be raised," Salter, injected from a nearby dumpster where he'd been searching for the missing glasses and discovered several inkjet cartridges that could easily be refilled. “It’s not fair to pin it on anybody (meaning him). We all had this expectation that money was going to be very easy for us to raise."** He seemed to ponder whether, if victorious in '08, running the US government, and its Iraq War, might not prove to be "very easy."
Rumors abound that the McCain campaign is down to its last $2 million and may have to stoop to accepting federal taxpayers' contributions. "Hey," a recently laid-off campaign worker informed us, "If we could find the damn glasses we wouldn't need to resort to this sorta nonsense!" He then spotted a juice carton, plucked it from the gutter and called to Salter: "Top Aide Salter, sir, are these good for anything?" The comment was quickly picked up by the Des Moines Register-Picayune's entertainment-in-politics editor, David Yupson, who reported in his column that "Mickey's campaign staff would be advised to do its homework and read the Iowa Study Group Report © by Jimmy Baker. Iowa has a strong bottle deposit law, but that law does not apply to juice cartons. It's nuances like this that can cost a candidate more than a nickel in the Ethanol State caucus."
When contacted in the Senate cloakroom for comment on reports that Salter's glasses were "Lost," Senator McCain told a NY Times reporter, whose notes were observed by this reporter, hiding behind a cloak: "No, no, no, no," McCain said. "I’d describe the campaign (to find Salter's glasses) as going well. I’m very happy with it."** McCain then excused himself to slip deeper into the cloaks to make a cellphone call, pausing briefly to shout to an unpaid aide, "Do I have to push SEND on this stupid thing...?"
Fellow TT candidate Rudy 'The G-Man' Guiliani's campaign immediately issued a statement saying they knew where all of their glasses were. They just weren't sure where Iowa was.
TT candidate Huckleberry (R-AR) released a statement on stone tablets saying that he didn't believe in glasses, because "Scripture makes no mention of spectacles..." But, Huckleberry added to mollify educated voters, "I'm not necessarily opposed to those who might live a lifestyle that includes alternative vision devices. I just don't believe that the taxpayers--and I intend to eliminate all taxes, when elected--should be forced to pay for this unholy vision thing. God knows I'm right." He then was lifted into the sky on a silvery cloud, only to reappear later in Keene, New Hampshire disguised as a moderate.
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Dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, The Blog Party News ©
* AP photo © by Stephen Savoia, permission pending finding our glasses.
** Actual quotes from the NY Times, July 11, 2007 ©: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/07/11/us/politics/11mccain.html
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