Where's Edwards in Iowa?

Rumors that third-tier Telebubby (TM) candidate, Johnny 'Eddy' Edwards (Attorney-NC), may have dropped out of the Iowa Caucus and Tractor Pull (TM) flashed through the political press corps' House of Blues Des Moines headquarters, prompting newly hired Edwards operatives, Paul Blank and Chris Kofinis, to corner this reporter in an undisclosed, underground parking garage--complete with low-key lighting and ominous, foreshadowing, background music--where they offered this cryptic, off-the-record warning: "Wake up, Wal-Mart!"

Blank and Kofinis, who will eclipse Eddy's campaign manager, David Bonior, are little known but central figures in the shadowy, pro-labor, anti-Wal-Mart campaign, Wake up, Wal-Mart (TM)* , and therefore have the bona fides to wake up Edwards' flagging Iowa campaign. Plus, as Kofinis might've confided, "We're not afraid to use excessive adjective build-up." Blank stared in what could only be considered tacit agreement.

When asked to comment on his lackluster cash/vote numbers at Senator Tom Harkin's (D-IA) quadrennial Fishfry and Corn Pone Suckup (TM) event in Shinola, Iowa, Edwards, speaking through an interpreter, answered: "Ma daddy was a mill worker, his daddy afore him worked in da mills, and when Ah's elected president, Ah promise that all Iowinians will fullfill mah dream to become mill workers, too, or Ah sue der asses." He then smiled and pulled a can of Dapper Dan (TM)** hair grease from his freshly laundered Oshkosh (TM) bib overalls to slick back his famous coif, which, as Blank noted, is also (TMed) , along with his campaign accent, which no one from either Carolina can place.

Elsewhere on the Iowa campaign cow trail, Senator Paul Simon (D-Graceland) appeared on stage Wednesday evening with Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) at the Shinola Odd Fellows Hall (TM) for an impromptu AARP-endorsed concert featuring Simon with his trademark National Guitar (TM). Dodd, whose name rhymes with "God" (and, therefore, endorsed by the Christians for Church-in-State (Mathew: 501-c-3)), soothed the over-50-something crowd on lead vocals. Art Garfunkel, vacationing at the Santa Barbara Zen Skin and Chi Rehab Center (TM), appeared via satellite on a large screen singing harmony and looking even older than his former singing partner, Paul Simon. When the trio launched into Bridge Over Troubled Waters ©, a subliminal Flomax (TM) ad scrolled beneath Garfunkel's face and caused long lines to appear at the portable toilets. Police were called in when Simon yelled, "It's free concert, man!" He, then, set his guitar on fire, which is in violation of Iowa fire codes.

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Dateline: Des Moines, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, The Blog Party News ©, editor-on-the-lam.
* No kidding, there really is a campaign called Wake up, Wal-Mart associated with Kofinis and Blank. We can't make this stuff up. --the editor.
For details see: The Atlantic Online (blog), by Marc Ambinder.
**Dapper Dan (TM) Coen Bros, Ltd, Whereartthou, AL, all rights reversed.
"Bridge Over Troubled Waters," © Simon and/or Garfunkle, ASCAP, BMI, BMW