Iowa Caucus Home Stretch

Candidates Grovel Toward the Finish Line
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Sinking dramatically in the most recent Des Moines Register-Picayune poll of Iowans most likely to lie to pollsters who keep annoying them with dumb questions, Johnny Edwards (D N or SC) responded in Dylanesque verse:

"I don’t need a poll

To tell me that--

We’re moving,”* he sang while plucking on a folk guitar at the Java Jurors coffee house off Court Avenue in downtown Des Moines on this final full day of pandering and rationalizing before the Iowa Caucus.

"And I don't need a weatherman

To tell which way the wind blows," Edwards continued into the second verse before the crowd dispersed as word spread that candidate Obamalamadama (D-CHI) was playing down the street at the Iowa House Of Politics (IHOP). .

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Throughout the Hawkeye state desperate presidential hopefuls attended to last-minute campaigning. Mitt The Kid Romney was spotted shoveling snow with his five sons at the Odd Fellows Hall in Garden Grove, Iowa. John McCain took a turn as a bouncer at Big Earl's Club in Des Moines tossing out underage voters by the coattails, sending each one into the night with a "Thanks, ya little twerp."

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In Eastern Iowa, candidate HillyBilly Clintons (D-NY+/-) dressed up as Mother Theresa and walked barefoot through the snow spreading health care insurance pamphlets while supporters in saffron robes chanted, "Time For Change? Spare Change..." and tore down Obamalamadama banners.

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In southern Iowa, former Governor Mike Huckleberry (R?-AR), still smarting from his failed Don't Watch My Video campaign, reverted to his roots and preached before dwindling crowds of mouth-breathing undecided voters before picking up his bass guitar and, despite fingers numbed by the cold, launched into a Christian version of Free Bird.

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Delaware's, Joe Bidentime addressed a packed room at the Indianola Day Care Center where many in the crowd, made up largely of his own family, grew cranky having listened well beyond their normal nap time. Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT), meanwhile, tended bar a block away at Signatures Grill on the Indianola square. A slow night, as it turned out, his tip jar netted $4.50 according to a FEC filing..Dodd has reportedly requested federal matching funds.

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And in North Dakota, candidate Dennis Kuspinach (D-OH!) briefly addressed a polite crowd at the Fargo Bowl 'n Wash before a campaign aide checked the rental car GPS and informed the candidate that they'd accidentally left Iowa several days before.

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This just in: Michael Bloomberg's personal jet has been spotted at the Des Moines International Airport (where there are no international flights). Unconfirmed reports of the NY City mayor arriving with bags of billion-dollar bills, ready to buy the Caucus state, are just that--unconfirmed--but, even at this late date, may portend a major shift in the Iowa Caucus, especially if we continue to use words such as "portend."

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*real quote

dateline: Indianola, Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights reserved before the votes are counted.