GOP Faces New Challenge
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In the wake of former Massachusetts Governor Romney's stunning victory in Michigan--his home state that he left 40 years ago to serve as a front-line missionary in France during the Vietnam War--Mitt "The Kid" faces unforeseen Comeback Kid challenges. "We're running out of candidates," Republican National Lapel Pin chair, Darby Wawson, noted aboard the Romney Limited campaign jet as it lifted off from George Romney International Airport in Lansing, Michigan just minutes after the ballots we're counted and destroyed. "So far," Wawson said off -the-record, "We've allowed each candidate to win a state; we call it our 4-H policy--every candidate a winner." Dawson then shrugged and giving a George W grin, he continued, "Who could've foreseen that we'd still be in this race after New Hampshire? I mean, we thought Obamalamadama was a lock, and we was lookin' toward 2012 when we get another shot at Hillary. But, now? Sh&#, we're screwed." Shifting uncomfortably in the club seat while pouring another two fingers of Johnny Walker Blue label and looking over his shoulder to make certain the candidate hadn't seen, Wawson confided with us: "It's a mess, this whole GOP primary is a mess." He ticked off the reasons on his fingers, wet with whiskey: "Rudy has dibs on Florida, Freddie Boom-Boom-Law-and-or-Order Thompson has an option on South Carolina, and just 'tween you and I..."
"You and me," our correspondent corrected.
"...I think Freddie's gonna exercise his Carolina option. I haven't seen the script yet, what with that writers strike and all...So, where's that leave us? Every candidate's got hisself a primary win, and still this thing won't end! We just need more Republican candidates."
"What about McCain?"
"Who?
"Mc...."
"Oh, yeah, he who's name must never be spoke," Wawson dismissed the second-place Michigan winner. "He's not really one of us." Wawson's wink combined with the secret sign of touching his nose and flag lapel pin, indicated how uncommitted the GOP really was to its one veteran candidate.
Still, Wawson admitted in further confidential conversations before the Johnny Walker ran dry, "Romney's finally got a couple of good one liners, stuff voters can hold onto."
"Such as...?"
"The Fence...."
"Border fence?"
"Yeah, shhh...." Wawson waved his glass, "This is where he trumps even Rudy. While everyone else is focusing on the Mexican fence...."
"I think it's the US fence along the Mex...."
"Romney will build a fence along Michigan's northern border."
"Canada?"
"Wisconsin. Keep them cheeseheads outa the U.P.; bunch of Hillary liberals not supporting the troops or even going forward..." And before elaborating on the Border Security issue, Wawson gave us a taste of Romney's new campaign slogan: "A New Pessimism." And seeing my no-reaction, Wawson quoted from Romney's victory speech: "Tonight is a victory...over Washington-style pessimism."* Wawson grinned, "Good, huh? Everyone is sick to death of Washington-style this and Washington-style that...including pessimism. Romney knows the voters want change..."
"And hope..."
"And hope...but change more than hope," Wawson said, "And he's the only hope we have for change to a 'New Pessimism' in America...going forward. Always going forward."
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Meanwhile, The Clintons, LLC (TM) easily won Michigan's Democratic primary with a new strategy of only running in states where no other candidates are on the ballot. When asked at the Democrat's Texas Hold 'em Debate last night in the Evel Knievel Room at Little Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, to comment on The Clintons' Michigan surge, Senator Obamalamadama said nothing but gave a street-wise digital gesture indicating disgust.
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When asked how he might do in the upcoming make-or-break-firewall-metaphor-challenged South Carolina Primary, Senator Johnny Edwards, esq., (D-NC) threatened legal action against anyone who voted against him.
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*Taken from Romney's real victory speech...leaving out the words we thought were boring and didn't capture our interpretation of events.
dateline: Sumter, South Carolina, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights refuted.
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