Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Iowa Caucus Wrap-up

Iowa--A Look Back .

Former whatever he was, Milton Willard Romney (R-MA, MI, UT), aka Mitt--short for Mittens--finally took off the gloves as he boarded his Gulfstream IV family-jet at Des Moines Interdenominational Airport (KDSM) and headed for New Hampshire, where polls indicated he'd find a primary election. Stunned by his recent second-place, "silver medal," finish to Reverend/Governor Mike Huckleberry (R-AR), Romney declared, "We are doing God's work now," and while flashing a Nixonesque double V-for-Validation salute in the airplane's doorway, added, "in my opinion, by keeping al Qaeda and Hezbollah from establishing a safe haven."* Unable to hear his entire statement due to the noise level inside the airport bar where my press corps two-for-one vouchers were about to expire, we can only assume that the safe haven Romney referred to was Iowa, a state that had just shown Mitt that silver medals only count in the Olympics. But before I could ferret out any more facts from CNN the bartender switched off the TV set and said we had pay up or leave. The Iowa Caucus was over and the media's credit no longer any good..
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In fairness, it should be noted that since then, neither al Qaeda nor Hezbollah--neither of which had candidates polling more than 2% in Iowa, slightly ahead of Rudy Giuliani (R-FL) and Ron Paul (R-Mars)--have shown themselves in the Hawkeye state, and Iowans, once again, feel safe to venture onto the streets, where, unfortunately, many have been run down by truckloads of ethanol promises heading out of town. Still, this reporter must admit that had Operation Enduring Primary not included Iowa, one can only guess what might have been. For that conjecture, we need only look toward New Hampshire, another state most Americans couldn't find on an IHOP map and one that Michael Bloomberg could purchase with his lunch money. And yet, New Hampshire--like Iowa--is tasked with fine-tuning the candidates until one is finally deemed The Least Loser. (TM) **
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Today, as memories of Iowa fade like Hillary's press briefing tears, and Granite staters head to their polls despite 50-degree weather, Iowans can only feel a misty sense of loss, knowing that they're not to be pandered to for another four years, although, the John Edwards' campaign has already replaced its Edwards '08 billboards that appear like so many Burma Shave signs along Interstate 80, with Edwards '12...'16...'20....

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** FoxTV, premiers January 20, 2009 8 EST/7CST
dateline: Last exit along I-80 in eastern Iowa, Artie Azzetti, editor-on-the-lam, Blog Party News Network (BPNN) ©, all rights conveniently shifted left as the campaigns go forward in search of spare change.

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